Are you tired of commercials like this:

MINDLESS HOUSE FRAU:
"When my kids are in the car...I can't smoke! So I chew Wrigley's Spearmint Gum, and the world is a beautiful place again. Fa-la-la-la-la...la-la-la-la!"

Well, we checked the ingredients in Wrigley's Spearmint Gum, and there wasn't a drop of nicotine in it! Surprised?! You shouldn't be.

We at MADAME FONG'S INTERNATIONAL TOBACCO CO. have come up with the PERFECT solution to all your nicotine needs! It's the new:

Fong Patch

Just place this Nicotine-Transdermal patch under your tongue and you're good for the WHOLE day. Just listen to these unsolicited testamonials!

JOE SIXPACK:
"Ever since I...started using the...FONG PATCH...I've been able to...see sound...and hear color...it's the...BEST!"

KINDER VON NON-DESCRIPT:
"Ever since daddy bought the FONG PATCH last week, those Flying-Elf hallucinations aren't NEARLY as disturbing as they use to be!"

CAPTAIN HAPPY PANTS:
"Aside from the nicotine seizures, random fits of blindess, drooling, ringing in the ears, fainting spells and migraine headaches...I thoroughly enjoy the FONG PATCH!"

Where could you go wrong?! So pick up your FONG PATCH today for the low low price of:

$499.95

"Don't suffer from the shakes again!"

PLUS...coming soon! A miracle breakthrough in Transdermal technology!

FONGTACTS!

These innovative new contact lenses blend the hip and trendy world of fashion eyewear, with the mind crushing addiction that is nicotine-dependence.

Just place the FONGTACTS directly over your corneas, and let the magic of transdermal technology work its wonder. We guarantee you'll be free of that old slavemaster we affectionately call nicotine, or your money back!

Here are a few more testamonials from some of our guinea pi... uh, test subjects.

TEST SUBJECT #1:
"MY EYES! I CAN'T FEEL MY EYES!!! Oh wait, those are my pants."

TEST SUBJECT #2:
"Boy these Jalapeno Communion Wafers taste GOOD! What?! I'm supposed to put them on my eyes? Get outta here!"

TEST SUBJECT #3:
"You know, if these things weren't opaque, they'd almost be worth the constant stinging sensation they cause."

So order your pair of FONGTACTS today!

Just send $349.95 per pair to:

FONGTACTS

c/o MADAME FONG ENTERPRISES
1122 Boogy Boogy Avenue
Raleigh, North Carolina 90210

"Let Madame Fong help you get that cancer-laden monkey off your back!

(This was paid announcement by MADAME FONG'S INTERNATIONAL TOBACCO COMPANY)