 |
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welcome you to our compliation of miscellaneous humor product.
Please watch your head and step. Take small children by the hand and be sure to collect all of your belongings when you leave. Anything left behind WILL be sold. Thank you. |
| The Handyman's Guide to Quantum Mechanics and Special Relativity |
Here at CIRCA: "Your suffering shall be legendary..." |
|
STARDATE 46755.6
History:
I was born the son of Mr. & Mrs. Tubenburble. We lived in a tiny chalet
on the Tharsis Ridge, 27 kilometers from Pavonis Mons. I was a poor but
proud young man, when I decided to leave the confines of my Martian home.
Actually, I hated the cold. I sought a balmy, yet intoxicating venue from
which my creativity could spring forth, and since Venus was too hot and
Ganymede was too cold, I chose Earth. I enrolled at the University of
Florida as an Astronomy Major, and as soon as my check clears, I SHALL
CONQUER YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE WORLD, AND DOMINATE THE
SOLAR SYSTEM! YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR ME! I WILL DESTROY YOU!
LOOK AT MY WINGSPAN! YOUR SILLY LITTLE BANK ROPES WILL NOT
STOP ME! I SHALL DISTRIBUTE THESE DEPOSIT SLIPS TO THE NEEDY!
FOR I AM A CHAMPION OF JUSTICE! Worthless space vermin!
You are like God's unwanted children, milling around like
ants as you wait for the kind hand of death to liberate you from your
miserable existence. You infest this planet, and I will PERSONALLY see to
it that you are DESTROYED! Thank you. 8)
- Skippy T. Podar (Age 12.5)
Personal Favorites:
FAVORITE COLOR: Blue
FAVORITE FOODS: Mexican Monkey Brittle...slathered in Yummy Soy
Paste
FAVORITE BEVERAGE: Milk (between 33 and 42 degrees F.)
FAVORITE T.V. SHOW: "Prime Minister's Question & Answer Time"
on C-SPAN
FAVORITE WORDS: All words that rhyme with Orange.
FAVORITE PEOPLE TO HANG AROUND WITH: NOT the Spice Girls.
FAVORITE AIRPORTS: Orlando International, Stapleton (Denver), and of course,
MIA (Miami International Airport).
FAVORITE ELEMENTS: Praesodymium, Iridium, Xenon, and Heating
FAVORITE ORGANS: Brain, Spleen, Liver and Wurlitzer
FAVORITE SOMNAMBULIST: Wee Willie Winkie
FAVORITE CONDIMENT: Roddenbery's Butter-Maple Syrup
FAVORITE ROCK GROUP: Igneous
FAVORITE ALBUM: Photo
FAVORITE SECTION OF THE MUSIC STORE: New-Wave-Polka-Fusion
FAVORITE HOLIDAY: Mirrored-Disco Ball Day
FAVORITE AMUSEMENT PARK: D.A. CLACKUM'S WACKY
WORLD-O-FIRE-EXTINGUISHERS
FAVORITE GLAND: The HYPERthalimus! 8) *boing-boing-boing*
FAVORITE COMMERCIAL AIRCRAFT MANUFACTURER: Boeing-Boeing-Boeing!
FAVORITE RIDE AT DISNEY WORLD: The Disney/MGM Sewage Flume
FAVORITE UNSUNG HERO FROM THE OUR GANG SERIES: Oat-Bran
FAVORITE EPISODE OF SESAME STREET: Big Bird Gets Mites
FAVORITE SOAP-OPERA: The Rich & The Worthless
FAVORITE DUNGEONS & DRAGONS CHARACTER: Chiki The Frog Boy
FAVORITE PAGE IN MY PHYSICS BOOK: Pg. #592
FAVORITE 16-17th CENTURY ASTRONOMER/PSYCOTHIC: Johannes Kepler
FAVORITE DENOMINATION OF AMERICAN CURRENCY: The Shilling
"Only 3 more therapy sessions, and I'm cured!"
A revised list of my Favorite Quotes:
1. "As the mommy spider said to the daddy spider,
'My eggs!'"
2. "What do you mean, IT BROKE?!"
3. "No! The lady of the house isn't home, and
besides, we gave you people a check last week!"
4. "Uh...Stewardess? I think my window is open."
5. "If my car were a horse, it would be dead. You ever
try feeding a horse gasoline?"
6. "As the mommy snail said to the baby snail,
'How many times have I told you not to run
through the house with SALT!'"
7. "Honest, officer friendly! I didn't know the
bazooka was loaded!!!"
8. "These cookies taste funny. You didn't use real
butter did you?"
"No. I used Oil of Olay!"
9. "Don't hate me because my face looks like 5 miles of
bad road. Love me because I use Ultress Shampoo!"
10. "I'm sorry sir. We've closed this Hyperspace Bypass.
Use the Florida Turnpike. It may be more
expensive, but it is Oh, so scenic!"
* 11. "Bad Pugga, No touch Rhino!"
* 12. "I feel more like I do right now than I
did when I first got here!"
* 13. "Billy...give daddy the Wave Motion Gun."
14. "Trust me! I know what I am doing! Now then,
where did you say that splinter was again?"
15. Hermann Minkowski is stopped by State trooper for
erratic driving: "Officer, how can I walk in
a straight line if space is curved?"
16. "Why is it that when packages are sent by car they
are called SHIPMENTS, and when they are sent by
ship they are called CARGO?"
17. "Why is it that we DRIVE on a PARKWAY, and PARK
in a DRIVEWAY?"
Guest Quote 18. "You have the soul of an artist....and the
hands of a duck!"
-- Condor
19. "So I said to the Bank Teller...."Miss...How can I
be overdrawn? I still have CHECKS!""
20. "I'll take Obscure Norwegian Pottery for 1000...Alex!"
21. "Well Jim. We always knew you would fail, but not
quite so spectacularly!!!!"
22. "Gainesville is proof that Hell is full and the dead
are walking the Earth."
23. "Dang! Yet ANOTHER Saturday night RUINED by a plague
of locusts!"
24. "I just kept chopping, and chopping! I couldn't stop!"
25. "This is Lothar! The Unhappy Space Pixie---> =8(
26. "That's it! I'M LIVING IN HELL!"
27. "Do I like MacGyver?! Why of course! It's a well written
piece of clap-trap that doesn't ONCE make me want to
WRETCH!"
28. "Would you like some umlauts with your fries, maam?"
29. "Philosophy is like a dead chicken. It can't help you
solve triple integrals!"
30. "May the Lint of a thousand carpets infest your lavish
yet desheveled abode."
31. "The grass is always greener...than a brick."
32. "What's that? HAM?"
33. "I have been to paradise...but I haven't been to ME!"
34. "Dang it! I'm NOT going to pay a lot for this muffler!"
35. "Actually, I DID pay a lot for this muffler. And I'm
DARN PROUD OF IT!"
36. "So...the point is, that the horse really COULDN'T count.
He was just positively conditioned to nod. Right?"
37. "Accelerator?! I hardly even know her!"
38. "Curling irons! We need lots and lots of curling irons!"
39. "Let's put on a SHOW! Quick, grab the jumper cables."
40. "No, you dufus! Those aren't silver bullets, those are
suppositories! Dang interns!"
41. "If I have all the cheese I want, why am I still unhappy?"
42. "Daddy, tell me another story."
"Here...hand me that airplane glue...I'll *tell* you
another story."
HYPER QUOTE: "One hundred silica receptacles, containing
a specific alcoholic beverage, are suspended
on a vertical plane. If a single silica
receptacle happens to descend from the
vertical plane, and as a result, strike
an unyielding horizontal surface, Thus
experiencing severe structural disruption,
what is the quantity of silica receptacles
remaining suspended on the vertical
plane?"
BONUS QUOTE: "Blows with cudgles and missles may
fracture my skeletal structure.
However, maledictions will leave me
unscathed!"
TOP TEN QUOTES FROM MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY,
'THE HANDYMAN'S GUIDE TO QUANTUM
MECHANICS & SPECIAL RELATIVITY'
------------------------------------
10. "She looked at me with those sanguine eyes and my hopes just sank.
I didn't have the heart to tell her that we were like two
fermions in the same quantum state."
9. "Gas station bathrooms. Don't you just hate them!"
8. "The results of the Michelson-Moreley Experiment verified beyond a
shadow of a doubt that space is not permeated with a gaseous
aether. Instead, it's filled with LOVE!"
7. "I asked her if she wanted to go to the prom with me. She replied,
`I'd rather give birth to a chair.' It was at that moment that
I realized that I was destined to devote my life to science."
6. "Four score and seven years ago, my Aunt Muriel was five years old.
What does this mean? I have no stinkin' clue."
5. "So I said to the woman, 'Linear momentum is not conserved according to
the special theory if we use the conventions for momentum from
classical physics.' She then gave me a kiss on the cheek and I was
on my merry way."
4. "After a long night of dinner and dancing, I tried to explain to her that
capital gamma contains the speed of the particle (u), whereas the
Lorentz Transformation contains the relative speed (v) between the
two frames of reference, namely S and S'. Needless to say, she was
not impressed. Again, I had failed to woo the woman of my dreams.
Why does love mock me so?"
3. "For YEARS I thought a partial derivative was just a normal derivative
with bad posture."
2. "...and as I began to fall down the stairs, I became intimately aware of
how my potential energy was being converted to its kinetic
equivalent. The pain was UNREAL, and this epiphany brought me to
the joyous yet well established conclusion that PHYSICS was my
destiny!"
1. "I then exclaimed in the shrillest voice I could muster, 'OH MY GOD!
IT'S THE CRYSTALLINE ENTITY!' It was then pointed out to me that
it was only a defoliated Maple tree. God did I feel stupid."
THE HANDYMAN'S GUIDE TO QUANTUM MECHANICS & SPECIAL RELATIVITY:
"Only $13.95 at your local Book Distributor. Get a copy...today!"
And now...
HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?
Six months ago, when I was deathly ill, I was able to summon, an ambulance,
my family, my next door neighbor, the kids down the street, my gynecologist,
the fire department, the police, the Cavalry, Boy scout troop 409, the Army,
the Navy, the Isreali Air Force, the Spanish Inquistion, the Ambassador to
Lichtenstien, the Prime Minister of Gabon, the Queen of Sheba, The King of
Siam, Madame Fong, Elizabeth Taylor, Charleton Heston, Greta Garbo, Humphrey
Bogart, Charlie Chaplin, William Shakespeare, Edgar Allen Poe, Andy Warhol,
Shirley McClaine, Emmitt Smith, John Lombardi, Dwayne Schintzius, Don Devoe,
Stephen C. O'Connell, Ronald Reagan, Millard Filmore, Jesus, Mary Magdalene,
Satan, Buddha, The HFS's Mongo-puter GWEE, Monty Hall, Jefferson Davis Hogg,
Clem Kadiddle-hopper, Victor Borge, Calvin & Hobbes, Linus Van Pelt, Sally
Brown, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Hamsters, Teamster's Union #603, the Kingdom
MONERA, every cast member from Cecil B. DeMille's THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, the
Sweathogs, Helen Reddy's Cleaning Woman, The ENTIRE Borg consciousness,
and a tribe of 18,000 pygmies...ALL WITH A TOUCH OF A BUTTON.
LIFE CALL...can save your life! Call today!
"*I* am God's Greatest achievement!"
TOP TEN FUN WAYS YOU CAN CELEBRATE SAINT PSORIASIS DAY...MARCH 25th
-------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Wear lots and lots of Grey!
9. Drink Grey Beer!
8. Eat Grey Cake!
7. Sing goofy songs about dermatological ailments!
6. Wear "Kiss Me! I'm Darby O'Flake!" buttons.
5. Watch your favorite episode of "Live with Regis & Kathy Lee!".
4. March proudly in the St. Psoriasis Day Parade, wearing a frilly Organza
Dress, and two pairs of Coco Chanel pants!
3. Run to your local Quickie Mart and buy lots & lots of Beef Jerky, and
hand them out to kids at the Mall!
2. Read passages from the world reknowned autobiography, "The Life & Times
of Harcourt J. Psoriasis: Bishop & Martyr."
1. Ponder the question, "Why doesn't St. Polycarp have his own holiday too?"
ST. PSORIASIS DAY: Celebrate the Flaking of the Skin! 8) March 25th!
And now...from the 1994 Hoggetown Show-Us-Your-Rash Festival:
TOP TEN THINGS ST. PSORIASIS IS FAMOUS FOR
------------------------------------------
10. Discovering the cure for dandruff at the tender age of 15!
9. Losing said cure for dandruff a week later.
8. Liberating France from Napoleon.
7. First person to use Salsa Dip as a topical antiseptic.
6. Being the patron saint of skin diseases.
5. Was best buds with St. Polycarp.
4. Ate his weight in strawberries at the 1529 World's Fair.
3. First native of Corsica to associate "flying monkeys" with "unspeakable
evil".
2. Invented Calculus (Ooops...That was TOP TEN THINGS ISAAC NEWTON WAS
FAMOUS FOR.)
1. Introduced the term, "If it itches, don't scratch it." during a pot-luck
barbecue on St. Goombah's Day. (St. Goombah's Day is no longer
celebrated because most people forgot who he was.)
ST. PSORIASIS: "Aloe helps us play!"
TOP TEN GIFTS YOU CAN GIVE TO YOUR SWEETIE
ON SAINT PSORIASIS DAY...MARCH 25th
------------------------------------------
10. A five year supply of medicated shampoo!
9. 3 FREE visits to MADAME FONG'S SHINGLE CLINIC, where they can watch the
world renknown Gothic Opera, "Moisturizer? I hardly even KNOW her!"
starring everyone's favorite Pediatric podiatrist, Dr. Ruroy Sibley.
8. An autographed copy of "Dermal Lesions, Up Close and Personal", written
by Harcourt J. Psoriasis in 1913 during "Show Us Your Rash Week"
7. Fleas!
6. Tickets to the 1994 Poison Oak Festival!
5. A 5 inch replica of Saint Lucretia of Westchester, the Patron Saint
of Splinter Removal.
4. A Six-Pack of Mentholatum...Deep Heating Rub
3. Oil of Olay Casserole, for when those unexpected guests show up!
2. A Saint Psoriasis Medallion, gloriously depicting the patron saint of skin
diseases holding a burning Aloe plant.
1. A 90 minute tape of Dr. Ruroy Sibley endlessly saying, "We have lasers!
We can CUT the corn off with little or no bleeding! Just last week we
had some kids come in from overseas on a field trip for treatments!
I cut off their corns, patched 'em up, and sent 'em home!"
SAINT PSORIASIS DAY: "Don't let them see you flake."
While I was in the shower this morning, I thought, "What if St. Psoriasis had
his own Theme Park?". Sounds like a good Top Ten Topic...huh? 8)
TOP TEN ATTRACTIONS AT "THE ST. PSORIASIS
THEME PARK AND DERMAL CLINIC"
-----------------------------------------
10. Father Sloughy's Hypodermic Aloe Flume
9. Our Lady of Perpetual Redness Bumper Car Rink
8. Dr. Hansen's Mycobacterium Fun House
7. The Exciting World of Seborrheic Dermatitis - Sponsored by Head & Shoulders
6. Off-White and the 7 Guys Whose Growth Was Stunted By The Artificial
Activation of a Recessive Gene: Sloughy, Puffy, Scaly, Pimply, Runny,
Blotchy, and Frank. 8)
5. Harry's Hall of Dermatologists
4. The Passion of St. Psoriasis: A 2 hour all-star extravaganza, recounting
that fateful Tuesday when a young Harcourt J. Psoriasis was "visited"
by the ever popular and lovely St. Lucretia of Westchester (The Patron
Saint of Splinter Removal).
3. CONJUNCTIVA: A state of the art roller coaster, whose themes meld the
flavor of early 16th Century Europe with the Pink Eye scare of the
early 1980's.
2. Hydrocortizone: Blessing or Curse? - (An exciting high-speed water ride
through a giant mock-up of irritated sebaceous tissue, poignantly
narrated by Manuel Noriega & Edward James Olmos).
1. MUCOSA: Experience the horrors of life as a micro-organism as you hurtle
your way down a flume of glycoproteins in a viscid aqueous
solution. (WARNING: You WILL get soaked.)
ST. PSORIASIS DAY (March 25th): "It's not just a fictional holiday, it's
a VAX Tradition!" 8)
TOP TEN MIRACLES ASSOCIATED WITH ST. PSORIASIS
----------------------------------------------
10. LaWanda Merriwether of Kennebunkport, Mississippi sees the face of St.
Psoriasis on the back of a Tortilla Shell, later has the ability to
speak in tongues.
9. Little Timmy Foof-Nagle of Boston, Mass. narrowly misses being run over
by a run-away Pizza Hut delivery van, on his way to Sunday School.
8. Cop Rock is cancelled.
7. Anointing newly ordained priests with Aloe Vera is endorsed by the
Vatican.
6. A Plague of locusts decends upon the tiny town of Meckling, Florida,
devouring a years worth of their kumquat harvest. The local economy
crumbles as a result.
5. Regis & Kathy Lee get their own daytime talk show.
4. Joe Don Baker is offered the starring role in "Mitchell!"
3. Denorex and Selsun Blue sign a contract to open a chain of discount hair
salons for people with dry and itchy scalps.
2. "Madame Fong's House of Loofa Sponges" is raided by local law enforcement
officers on the grounds that it's a front for an underground bovine
prostitution ring.
1. Running UF-All-in-One Cards through Skippy Podar's hair is declared
illegal by the Florida Fish & Game Commission. 8)
ST. PSORIASIS DAY: "The most fun you can have on March 25th without
having to take your clothes off." 8)
TOP TEN LITTLE KNOWN MEMBERS OF THE UNCELEBRATED SAINT SOCIETY
--------------------------------------------------------------
10. Saint Chill Blaine...Patron Saint of Frostbite
9. Saint Atlantis of Naboomboo...Patron Saint of Places that Don't Exist
8. Saint Zesty the Unfilm-ridden...Patron Saint of Soap
7. Saint Polycarp...Patron Saint of Fish Multiplication
6. Saint Rhombohedron The Great...Patron Saint of Rectangular Solids
5. Saint Poly-Grip...Patron Saint of Denture Adhesives
4. Saint Daystrom...Patron Saint of Computer Gliches
3. Saint Glucose of Carthage...Patron Saint of Sugar
2. Saint Bouncy-Bottom...Patron Saint of Cellulite
1. Saint Liouville...Patron Saint of Representative Points In Phase Space
Corresponding To The Motion Of A System Of Particles
Whereby The Density Remains Constant During the Motion.
BOARD #12: "We worship people who don't exist!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know, just the other day, Jon and I had a question.
(What would happen if Cap'n Picard went insane?)
Well...here's the answer.
-----------------------------------------------
PICARD: "Stardate 45631.2 The Enterprise is currently orbiting the planet...
*sniff-sniff*...do you smell cheese Number One?"
RIKER: "Do I smell WHAT sir?"
PICARD: "Cheese, you know...cheese. Camembert I believe. Mr. Data, do
the ship's sensors detect any cheese?"
DATA: "No sir. No...cheese...in our sector, sir."
PICARD: "WELL DAMMIT, I SMELL CHEESE! AND I WANT SOME ANSWERS! Counselor,
do you SENSE any cheese?"
DEANNA: "Sir, with all due respect, what is this obsession you have with
cheese? You seem to be preoccupied."
PICARD: "WHAT IS THIS? A MUTINY?! I SMELL CHEESE! GOD! THIS SEAT, IT'S
COVERED WITH SPIKES! DO YOU FEEL THEM NUMBER ONE? GOOD GOD!
MY BUTT HAS BEEN RUBBED RAW!!! COUNSELOR, HAS YOUR BUTT BEEN
RUBBED RAW?!"
DEANNA: "Uh..."
PICARD: "BRIDGE TO MR. LAFORGE! COME TO THE BRIDGE IMMEDIATELY! THE BRIDGE
APPEARS TO BE INFESTED WITH LITTLE SPIKES! GOD, THE HUMANITY!
AND NUMBER ONE! SHUT OFF THAT INFERNAL BUZZING!!!"
RIKER: "Sir? Why are you yelling? There's no..."
PICARD: "DO YOU SMELL CHEESE NUMBER ONE?! MR. DATA! TURN AROUND! AH-HA!
DOESN'T HE LOOK LIKE CHEESE NUMBER ONE? CAMEMBERT, JUST AS I SAID!
NOT GOOD ENOUGH DAMMIT! NOT GOOD ENOUGH! MR. DATA YOU ARE NOT
NEARLY AS RUNNY AS YOU SHOULD BE! AAAAAUUUGH! WHERE ARE MY
PILLS?!"
DEANNA: "What's wrong sir?"
PICARD: "IT'S THE BORG! THEY'VE COME AFTER ME!!! DON'T YOU SMELL THE GUN OIL
NUMBER ONE?!!! THAT'S HOW THEY GET YOU!!! THEY SNEAK UP ON YOU
IN YOUR SLEEP, AND THEY ATTACK YOU!!! THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO
LOVE! NOT LIKE YOU!!! I CAN'T EVEN TOUCH THEM!!! GOD! THESE
SPIKES!!! My butt is SO sore!!! MR. CRUSHER! Please strike
yourself about the head and shoulders until you're unconcious.
AAAAAUUUGHHH!!! BEVERLY!!! MY SWEET BEVERLY!!! I NEED YOU!!!!"
DR. CRUSHER: "SICKBAY to BRIDGE. Is everything alright Captain?"
PICARD: "SPIDERS!!!! THE BRIDGE IS CRAWLING WITH SPIDERS!!! DO YOU SEE THEM
NUMBER ONE?!! PLEASE TELL ME YOU SEE THEM! THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL!
YOU THINK THEY WANT THE CHEESE?! MR. DATA, PLEASE BE CAREFUL. THEY
LONG FOR YOUR POSITRONIC BRAIN! THEY NEED IT TO FEED THEIR YOUNG!!!
RUN MY CHILDREN, RUN!!! HEAD FOR THE HIGH HILLS!!! GOD...THE
BUZZING! ASIDE FROM HIS FEATURES, THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT HIM THAT
I FIND...DAMMIT DR. PULASKI! YOU PREACHY COW...ahem...Mr. Crusher,
plot course to 246 Mark 07, IMMEDIATELY!"
WESLEY: "But sir...that'll take us headlong into that..."
PICARD: "Do it Wesley. Lest I lose my patience and kill you where you stand."
WESLEY: "Course laid in sir."
PICARD: "Ahead...warp 9. Engage."
______.
_______.
___....-----'---`-----....___
_______________ _ .===========================================
(================|_) _,---..._______...---'
/______|_================'
\______ / ________.
________. `-----' ________.
_________.
(PICARD takes his seat next to the dumb-founded and wide-eyed RIKER.)
RIKER: "Sir. I must protest."
PICARD: "Yes, yes. I know. You're concerned about my lack of hair.
But I assure you it in NO way affects my performance as a
man. I'm as potent as I ever was. Just ask Beverly.
*knudge-knudge* *wink-wink*"
DATA: "Sir. At our present speed we will plunge headlong into the planet
below in 30 seconds. May I suggest an alternate course of..."
PICARD: "SILENCE, MR CHEESE!!! IF I WANTED TO HEAR YOUR BORG-LIKE PRATTLE
I WOULD HAVE KIND MR. WORF BEAT IT OUT OF YOU!!! DAMN YOU!!!
DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!"
(Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion,
when we'll hear Cap'n Picard say...)
PICARD: "DAMN THE PLANET!!! FULL SPEED AH...oops."
*
* \ *
| * \ |
|/ \ | *
*--*...--\--'-|-`--/--....___
=======|=========\=======/=========*======= .
. *___*-----(KA-BOOM)---* ' /
. (___) /_|_|_|\ *--*---* .
|_____./'_.-|-._\-._____|\
/.__`-|-'__\ *
/ | *
* /
User: AcHeRpRiSe
Date: 23-Mar 01:33 AM 701314472
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Conclusion!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feel free to leave mail messages if you feel
so inclined. Besides, I thoroughly enjoy meeting
new people. Until then, "Keep your feet on the ground
and keep reaching for the Dulcolax!"
Oh...Be sure to read Board #12 of MBBS!
"Star Trekking across the Universe,
On the Starship ENTERPRISE, under Captain Kirk;
Star Trekking across the Universe,
Boldly going forward, 'cause I can't find 'REVERSE'!"
ENTERPRISE NCC-1701-D
"FLORIDA GOLD ORANGE JUICE: Now with the added goodness of Cesium!"
STARDATE: 46503.2
Here is a brand OLD file, that I have recently appended to this
other horrible ole file, and it's just stuffed with Oooodles of new,
and totally worthless ancedotes from my brief and relatively shameless
life. Neat...huh? 8)
___________________________________________________________________________
Here are several things that I have found confusing:
1. Are oranges called oranges because they are orange, or
is orange orange because it's the same color as oranges?
2. Why are Redheads called "Carrot-tops", when the tops
of carrots are GREEN?
3. Minkowski space. Danged if *I* understand it!
4. Just think. Everything you have done in your life has
brought you to this moment. Look around you. Are you
pleased with where it has brought you?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE SKIPPY PODAR STORY
or
(LIFE AMONG THE LUMPFISH)
Once upon a time, there lived a young man by the name of Skippy.
He was a happy young man. Always willing to help a friend in need, never
desirous of anything, save the happiness of his fellow human being. He
lived many of his years in abject poverty, due to his frivolous philan-
thropy. As a result, those whom befriended him, eventually shunned him.
He eventually became a deranged psychotic & hopeless paranoid. He would
spend many of his daylight hours mired in the depths of his never ending
tedium. Fortunately for him, he eventually found a means of self-expression,
a means by which he could release the torment which bound him. Yes...he
learned how to be obnoxious, and intensely crass.
For example: On an average day, Skippy Podar would compile a list
of intensely irritating things to do. Yes I said irritating. Here is a
sample of one of his many lists.
Skippo's List of Really Irritating Things to do Today
-----------------------------------------------------
1. Put Garden Slugs in Water Fountains at the Court House.
2. Make water balloons out of used surgical gloves
and drop them from a 30 story building.
(Liquid Medium depended upon his mood that day)
3. Giggle moronically on the City Bus.
4. Find a pack of stray dogs, befriend them, and lead them around
town. (Neat way to pick up chicks!!!)
5. Walk up to strangers on the street and say: "I'm walking
through the forest, SWISH-SWISH-SWISH...I'm walking
through the forest, SWISH-SWISH-SWSIH...I'm talking
to a chipmunk, SWISH-SWISH-SWISH...I'm talking to a
chipmunk, SWISH-SWISH-SWISH...I'm going to a mental
home, SWISH-SWISH-SWISH...I'm going to a mental home,
SWISH-SWISH-SWISH...I'm bouncing in the rubber room,
SWISH-SWISH-SWISH...."
(Most people find that VERY annoying)
6. Go slinking around a public restroom.
7. Eat Gravel.
8. Make an Indian-Chief headdress, out of a sweaty Adidas head-
band and some pigeon feathers. Then roam around town,
chanting "GEEBA-GEEBA-GEEBA!"
(This also considered very annoying)
9. Pester some poor unfortunate by rambling on endlessly about
your theories on how Tofu can be used as an Energy Source.
10. Dress in colors that don't match....(RED shirt, BROWN Jacket,
GREEN slacks, BLUE socks, and a YELLOW & BLACK striped
tie.)
11. Glare at shoppers while knitting quaint little bunny
slippers in the produce section at Publix.
12. Write a scathing letter to an editor of a little known
publication.
13. Catalog my lint collection, put all the lint into large
Mason Jars, and show them to people on the bus.
14. Ramble endlessly on how Marjorie Phlegmbaum dumped me in the
3rd Grade.
....and his list went on, and on. As one can see, he needed special
help. Unfortunately, they don't make the help he needed. So he was
forced to live his life as a pestering, babbling, idiot, with delusions
of God-Hood. It is rumored that he is now attending the University of
Florida...under the guise of an Astronomy Major. Beware of him, and
stay clear of his incessant ramblings. It is said that his dementia
is contagious. Neat...huh?
The End...or so we thought.
"Oh my gosh! It's time to rotate the tires on the blimp!"
------------- ADVENTURES IN ROLLER SKATING ------------------
Questions of the day:
1. Which idiot invented the roller skate?
2. Why would anyone want to put wheels on their feet?
3. Why don't I buy a hoverboard?
4. Why does a god need roller skates.
The Answer: "I should learn not to ask these questions."
Well, If I'm going to go touring, I think I should AT LEAST change my name:
TOP TEN STAGE NAMES THAT I'LL USE WHEN I GO ON THE ROAD AS A PROFESSIONAL
SKATER
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Franken Skippy!
9. Skippy The Land Crab
8. Skippy Pronate
7. Captain Body Cast
6. The Wandering Disaster On Wheels
5. The Black Plague
4. Wheels Toward The Sky
3. The Spiraling Love Funnel of Death?
2. Non-Weeble Man: He wobbles...falls down...and CAN'T get up.
1. Mr. Speed Bump
My next endeavor will be ICE SKATING!!!
TOP TEN PARTS OF MY BODY THAT HURT AFTER A LONG NIGHT OF SKATING
----------------------------------------------------------------
10. My butt
9. My Hands
8. My legs
7. My butt
6. My feet
5. My toes
4. My pride (wherever that is)
3. My butt
2. My back
1. My face
"Ah...the air is just thick with the smell of Ben Gay!"
"I HATE ROLLER SKATING!!! IT IS THE WORK OF SATAN!!! Just thought
I'd point that out."
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD WHILE I WAS ATTEMPTING TO ROLLER SKATE
---------------------------------------------------------------
10. "Someone PLEASE help me up!!!"
9. "Well...here I go! Whoops!!! (THUD) (spin-spin-spin-spin-spin-spin)
8. "So....this is how a dead turtle on I-75 feels!"
7. "My...what a pretty ceiling!"
6. "HEY! STOP SKATING ON MY FACE!"
5. "That's ok...I'll get up on my own! (shuffle-shuffle-shuffle-shuffle)"
4. "Look...it's Skippy the land crab!!" (shuffle-shuffle-shuffle-shuffle)
3. "This floor tastes gritty!! (sound of lips-smacking and teeth grinding)"
2. "Help me little boy! I've fallen and I can't get up!"
1. "Wow...the coefficient of static friction is REALLY low here!"
*. "Yay! Skippy! Now you've got it! (THUD spin-spin-spin-spin)"
TOP TEN DESTINATIONS FOR THE "SKIPPY: WHEELS TOWARD THE SKY" SKATING TOUR
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Shands Hospital & Roller Rink
9. Skippy's Roller Frolics and Rehab Center
8. Micanopy Town Hall
7. North Central Medical Center
6. Cedars of Lebanon Hospital (Miami)
5. Sunshine Skate-away and Prostetic Limb Center
4. Plastic Surgery and Maxillo/Facial Reconstruction Center of Apopka
3. Meals on Wheels Charity Drive (REITZ UNION)
2. 1992 Extra-special Olympics (All monies donated to the:
HELP SKIPPY TO SKATE MALEVOLENT FUND)
1. Thunder-Butt: Roller-Derby....on US 27 six miles south of Clewiston
COMING SOON...in his own movie:
SKIPPY PODAR: And his FEET OF DARING-DEW
(Once you thought it was safe to go Skating without
Accidental Collision insurance!!
----------- An evening at Auntie Grezelda's -----------
GREZELDA: "Dear TIDE. There were ROACHES in my Potato Salad...and
the guests LOVED THEM!!!!"
WOMAN #1: "Grezelda, Darling! I LOVE the crunchy texture of your potato
salad! It's SO today!"
WOMAN #2: "You MUST give us the recipe!"
WOMAN #3: "We can make a batch for the pot-luck supper next week! The
girls at the Women's Auxiliary will love it!!!"
WOMAN #1: "Ooo! And the almonds are so ADORABLE! How did you put the
little legs on them? They're so CUTE!"
TIMMY: "Uh...Mom? One of the almonds just walked away."
GREZELDA: "Shhhh...they're haunted, dear." 8)
--------------- And from the RABBIT ------------------
We Didn't Start The Fryer (Sung to the tune of We Didn't Start...well you
------------------------- get the point.)
Chicken Tenders, Cold fries,
Salsa Double, Chocolate Pie,
Hamburger, Cheeseburger
Hold the Pickles, please.
Imitation Honey dip,
I-forgot-the-napkins trip,
Gotta have my onion rings,
Make a trip to burger king!
Bacon double cheeseburger,
Let's upset another worker.
Diet Pepsi, NutraSweet,
Its impossible to find a seat!
We didn't start the Fryer,
That fry's been burning,
While our stomach's turning.
We didn't start the fryer,
It's gone on and on and on and on...
(Courtesy of RABBIT/Jimmy Chin Nov-20-1989)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Yes, win a dream date with |
"tHank yOU, dOCtoR. i fEEl mUcH BettEr nOw!"
Thank you for reading "Miscellaneous Humor Product" (Version 1.0)
Be sure to tip the waitress as you leave!
The management wishes to thank you for your support
We now return you to your regularly scheduled program:
"Molly Earl's Kitchen Kraft: How To Use Cellulose Sponges As Garnish."
Last updated: February 18th, 2001