- Thank you for meeting with us today Mr. Podar.
Oh... why all the formality? Just call me, "Your Grand Imperial Majesty".
- So, what is your full name?
Oh, I go by so MANY names:
Skippy Tubenburble Podar Esq., Spinach King 1973, Son of the Fifth
House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, Heir to the Holy Rings of
Betazed, Supreme Chancellor of Naboomboo.
- My friends call Me Skippy, My enemies call Me Funk Master Flex.
- When and where were you born?
- I was born on August 25th at 11:04 am MDT
at General Rose Memorial Hospital (4th floor), in beautiful Denver Colorado.
- At birth I weighed 3 lbs. 8 ounces. As a result, I spent the first month
of My life blindfolded in an incubator with only My sharp wit and superior
intellect to keep Me alive.
- What makes you think you can actually conquer the Earth?
You do realize that I can have you eliminated with one phone call,
- What made you decide to make global conquest your mission in life?
- 1. I put it on My resume'.
- 2. "Megalomaniacs Anonymous" would kick Me out if I didn't set lofty goals.
- 3. I want My Mom to be able to say, "My son can have you eliminated with one phone call."
- 4. The job comes with a free 1-month supply of Mentos!
- What did you think ruling the world would be like?
Well, it couldn't be any worse than that temp job I had at the carwash.
I was sure there would be a lot more bloodletting, but hey... when you're
making an omelette, eggs must be broken.
- What do you think of the job now and how does that compare with what you thought?
- Does the word "salmonella" mean anything to you?
- Which is your favorite continent, and why?
Well, in all candor, I'll have to say South America. But that's
only because when viewed from space, it reminds Me of a giant pork chop. I
like pork chops. You see, My parents used to feed Me pork chops and make
Me sleep under the kitchen sink, particularly when we had guests. Of
course, there were those rare moments when they would have Me chained in
the basement and feed Me lamb chops. And if you've ever lived in Miami,
you'd realize that being chained in the basement isn't much fun.
Oh, they would still toss the raw meat down to Me every odd day. But on even days
of the week, they'd send Me down a few thimbles filled to the brim with life-
giving Yoo-Hoo(tm) Brand Chocolate "Flavored" Drink. Granted, it was a
bit tasteless, but hey... Life is like that. Oh...just as a reminder,
I am the Universe's greatest achievement. Please make a note of it.
- When did you move to Gainesville, FL?
- What is this? The Spanish Inquisition?
- What made you choose UF over other universities?
I called "Cleo" My personal psychic Tarot Card reader and she told Me
"Ah-ha...Dat drunk girl I see here... You be hangin' out wit her and
she's be puttin' all Your business out on front street. Listen to de cards.
Me cards...dem don't lie. So call me now fer yer free readin'!"
To this day I don't know what that meant, but rather than have My
alcoholic cousin eliminated, I decided to follow Cleo's advice and go to
school at UF.
- What was your major?
My major was Astronomy. I
graduated with My Bachelors in Astronomy back in August of 1992. I then
did a year of Post-Bacc. work in the same field. In 1993 I put My education on
hold in pursuit of My goal of global conquest.
- What drew you to your major and why did you choose it?
- Gravity always wins.
- What did you plan to do after you graduated?
Haven't you been listening?
Don't make Me have you eliminated.
Candidly though, when I was 5 years old I wanted to become an
endocrinologist. You see, I have this morbid fascination with glandular
secretions and maybe with a degree in Astronomy, I can get that high
paying job I've always wanted. Maybe someone will hire Me as a pituitary
gland; or possibly a hypothalimus. I hear the Endocrine System has a
great pension plan.
- How do you keep your skin so smooth and touchable?
Well, everyday before I go to work, I scrub Myself vigorously from
head to toe with steel wool, then I soak My body in boiling water for 15
minutes. At-Home Personal Care with a minimum of fuss is the only way to live.
- So what are YOUR thoughts about the Blair Witch craze that seems to be gripping the nation?
Actually, it reminds Me a lot of the home movies we made of My cousin's
wedding, except our film only cost $3.45 and there was a lot more screaming.
- Do you watch Ally McBeal?
Uh no. Should I?
- If you could be any tree, what type of tree would you be?
- If you were a flavor of "Ben & Jerry's" ice cream, what flavor would you be?
Double Fudge Broken Glass Chunk.
- Do you have a funny story to tell us before we go?
Yes, but it's a lot more fun if you hear it.
- Uh, okay. Thank you for your time.
Whatever. Cook! Fetch Me some hassenfeffer!