Vaxtrek 10 - Part I


VAX...The Final Frontier.

These are the voyages of the starship Vaxerprise.

Our continuing mission: to seek out that which is silly;

To explore that which is funny;

To boldly go...where no VAX 6320 has gone...before!


This semester's episode (albeit late):

"Romulans On Parade!"

Written by:

Created By:

Based on the Best Selling Novel:
"Lordy, Lordy, We's Havin' BISCUITS tonite!"

Adaptation for MBBS:
Monty's Q-Scan Emporium

Musical Score Performed by:
The Mariah Carey All-Nude Marching Band

Produced by:

Directed by:
Barney The Purple Dinosaur


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COMMANDER EINSTEIN: "First Officer's Log...Stardate 49002.3. It's been almost 3 months since ADMIRAL TREKKER's court-martial and subsequent reinstatement. Since that time, our mission has been to welcome fledgling societies into the Federation, and to mediate treaty negotiations. We are currently en route to sector 79-J where ENSIGN PODAR and myself will take a Jogabout to Gignac IV to collect the long absent LT. VENKMAN. In the meantime, it has been my rather unpleasant duty to supervise the 'First Contact' discussions with the DESPRITT. They are a rather 'immature' race who seem overly eager to achieve Federation membership. Only God knows why. End of Log."


LT. COMM. ACKER: "Commander, the DESPRITT are hailing us again."

COMM. EINSTEIN: "So soon?! They just hung up a minute ago! *sigh* Put them on screen." 8(

(A split screen view of two aliens appears on the main viewer. One is the representative from the DES government, and the other is the PRITT counterpart.)

DES: "Commander, we urgently desire a response to our inquiry!" PRITT: "NO! Talk to US first! We're BETTER than the DES! WE HAVE NINTENDO!" DES: "Oh yeah?! Well WE have SEGA!" LT. OVERDOSE: "SEGA!!!!!" COMM. EINSTEIN (Looking at OVERDOSE): "the HELL?" DES: "You PRITT are all alike. All you do is NAG, NAG, NAG!" PRITT: "Hmmmph! Well, it's better than always leaving the toilet seat up!" DES: "Oh yeah? Well yo momma so UGLY, she has to go Trick-or-Treatin' over the PHONE!" PRITT: "Does not!" DES: "Does too!" PRITT: "DOES NOT!" DES: "DOES TOO!!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "SILENCE! BOTH of you!" DES: :( PRITT: :( COMM. EINSTEIN: "Your petty bickering has brought me to a decision." PRITT: "Yay!" DES: "So...which of us becomes a member of the Federation?!" PRITT: "US! PICK US!!!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "You BOTH want to be members of the Ok, I will satisfy your childish desires. You can BOTH join the Federation..." DES & PRITT: "YAY!" COMM. EINSTEIN: " a SLAVE RACE!" DES & PRITT: "Huh?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Dozens of Starships will be arriving within the hour bringing thousands of our stormtroopers who will ravage your planet and subjugate your people." DES: "But...but..." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Mr. ACKER, beam down 2 billion pairs of shackles, please." 8) LT. COMM. ACKER: "Right away, sir." PRITT: "Uh...perhaps we can discuss this..." COMM. EINSTEIN: "SILENCE! We will also be collecting tribute. Each quarter annum, the Federation flagship...that's us...will return to collect 400% interest on all you reap and sow. You will be a broken people. Your spirit...gone. Your morale... destroyed. Crushed under the merciless steel-toed boot of the United Federation of Planets. Enjoy your 'membership' and...have a nice day! Mr. ACKER...please close the channel." 8) LT. COMM. ACKER: "Aye aye, sir." 8) DES: :( PRITT: :( (The main viewer returns to its normal starfield display.) LT. OVERDOSE: "Uh...I didn't know we HAD stormtroopers." LT. COMM. ACKER: "That's what you get for missing staff meetings." 8) LT. OVERDOSE: :( LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Commander, we are approaching the coordinates for your departure. The main shuttlecraft bay reports that they are ready." COMM. EINSTEIN (Rises from the Command chair): "Very well. Commander, you have the conn." LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Aye, sir." LT. COMM. SILF (Shouting from two soundstages over): "HEY! THAT'S MY LINE!" LT. COMM. ACKER (Looks around): "Wh?" COMM. EINSTEIN (Entering the aft turbolift): "Later kids. Oh...and notify the Admiral that PODAR and I will be leaving shortly." LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "I shall endeavor to carry out your order accurately." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Whatever." (The turbolift doors close) LT. COMM. ACKER: "So Russ, you think the DESPRITT are scared of us now?" LT. OVERDOSE: "Heck, I'M scared of us...and *I* have a work permit!" :) . ___======_________________________________ \ === USS VAXERPRISE = NCC 1313-A ==>== / __--__ \______________________________________/ ____________---______---___________ . \_ \ \_________________________________/ . \_ \ . / : .. _/ \______/ . \_ \ / : _ / `--' ____\_ \______'-------===, . /_| \_| : .::. | | \____ .: --========>== | . ----___ | | . . . --------------' . . (We join ADMIRAL TREKKER and LT. COMM. PALLAS during an important discussion.) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "So what you're trying to tell me is that the Warp Engines may not be able to generate enough power?" LT. COMM. PALLAS: "Power?! I don't even know her!" (: ADMIRAL TREKKER: "That's getting old, Lee." LT. COMM. PALLAS: "You can't prove that." (: ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Cut it out!" LT. COMM. PALLAS: "So, when do we eat?" ADMIRAL TREKKER (starting to get annoyed): "Whenever you want." LT. COMM. PALLAS: "Is Thursday good for you?" ADMIRAL TREKKER (extremely annoyed): "Just stop it!" LT. COMM. PALLAS: "You brought it, you stop it!" ADMIRAL TREKKER (incensed): "Stop it...stop it..." LT. COMM. PALLAS: "You'll have to do better than that. Wait! Better?! I don't even know Gayle!" (: ADMIRAL TREKKER (grabbing PALLAS by the throat): "STOP IT! STOP IT!" LT. COMM. PALLAS: "Hey look, I'm choking!" ADMIRAL TREKKER: "STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!" (ADMIRAL TREKKER strangles PALLAS to death, and throws his limp and lifeless body against the wall.) ADMIRAL TREKKER: *Sigh* (ADMIRAL TREKKER ponders about what he has done.) ADMIRAL TREKKER (to himself): "I still don't feel the satifaction I want; that oh-so-intense pleasure I crave." (Suddenly the holodeck doors open and COUNSELOR BELGARATH enters.) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Hello, Counselor." COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "Greetings, your majesty. The cleaning staff and I were going to have breakfast in the Starboard Side Lounge and we were wondering if you'd like to join us." :) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Well, I'm rather busy at the moment. I'm attempting to vent my anger and frustration with our chief engineer by using this simulation." COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "I sense great hostility within you. Mind if I watch?" :) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Suit yourself. Just be quiet." COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "No problem." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Computer, increase annoyance level by ten percent and restart program." HOLODECK COMPUTER: *beep-beep* LT. COMM. PALLAS (alive again): "You can't prove that." (: ADMIRAL TREKKER: "You said that already." LT. COMM. PALLAS: "Gee?! Ya think?! Your point being? E-VIL!!! You brought her, you liquor. Is Thursday good for you?" ADMIRAL TREKKER (getting angry once again): "Stop it!" LT. COMM. PALLAS: "Stop what? Oh! Is that what you kids are calling it now?" Gee, thanks for inviting me. You can't prove that! So, when do we eat?! Mmmm...waffles!" (: (Shaking with rage, ADMIRAL TREKKER grabs PALLAS by the throat) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!" (Once again, TREKKER strangles PALLAS than throws him against the wall, dead.) ADMIRAL TREKKER: *Sigh* "Still not quite what I want." COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "Uh...we're in a whole weird area here." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Computer, increase annoyance level by thirty percent." HOLODECK COMPUTER: "UNABLE TO COMPLY. THE ACTION REQUESTED WOULD EXCEED HOLODECK SAFETY LIMITS." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Damn. Counselor, the holodeck safety feature override requires the consent of two command level officers. Will you assist me?" COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "I'll agree to the override, but if PALLAS gets any worse, I'll either have to leave, or grab a phaser." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Understood. Computer, this is ADMIRAL JEAN-LUC TREKKER and COUNSELOR BELGARATH requesting temporary override of the holodeck safety feature." HOLODECK COMPUTER: "DOES COUNSELOR BELGARATH CONCUR?" COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "Yeah, whatever." HOLODECK COMPUTER: "OVERRIDE ESTABLISHED." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Run program." LT. COMM. PALLAS: "HI DAVE! Thanks for inviting me! Is Thursday good for you? TREKKER?! I don't even know her! You brought her, you TREKKER!" ADMIRAL TREKKER: "You're REALLY annoying me, Lee!" LT. COMM. PALLAS: "HEARD IT! You can't prove that, but thanks for sharing! SHARE?! I don't even have hair! Hair?! I don't even know GAYLE! Rectum?! Dang near killed him! Amy Grant should pose nude! Gee, ya think? Hi Barney, Hi Barney, Hi Barney! D'OH! The Phillies suck! Oh...I ate all your chocolate chip cookies. Wait! Cookie?! I don't even know he! Is that shirt felt?!" (: ADMIRAL TREKKER (Grabbing PALLAS by the throat once again): "Stop it!" LT. COMM. PALLAS: "Stop it? *wheeze* Thanks for sharing! *gag* HI DAVE! *choke* Is Thursday good for you? *wheeze* Start the bus! *gag* So when do we eat? *choke* Alright then! *gurgle* Yes, and? *gasp* You failure!" ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Stop it! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!" (ADMIRAL TREKKER contines to strangle PALLAS long after he's dead.) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!" COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "Uh, sir..." ADMIRAL TREKKER (still holding PALLAS by the neck): "STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!" COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "Sir, I sense extreme distress in you, combined with... an almost perverse pleasure." 8) (ADMIRAL TREKKER continues to strangle the now blue-faced PALLAS.) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!" COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "You know, this program DOES look it on world execute?" ADMIRAL TREKKER: "STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!" COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "I'll leave you to your...pleasure, Admiral." :) (COUNSELOR BELGARATH leaves.) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "STOP IT! STOP! STOP! STOP!..." (Meanwhile...on Deck 38, COMM. EINSTEIN is approaching ENSIGN PODAR's quarters. Upon his arrival, he hears a lot of hammering going on inside.) *CLANK-CLANK-CLANK* COMM. EINSTEIN (Pressing the doorbell): "What in the world?" *Beep-beep* ENSIGN PODAR (shouting & hammering): "Come in!" *CLANK-CLANK-CLANK* (COMM. EINSTEIN enters, covering his ears.) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Uh...what are you doing?" *CLANK-CLANK-CLANK* ENSIGN PODAR (still shouting & hammering): "What did you say?!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "I SAID...WHAT ARE YOU..." (ENSIGN PODAR stops hammering) COMM. EINSTEIN: "...doing." 8( ENSIGN PODAR: "I'm GLAD you asked! I'm making a batch of my Grandma's Old fashioned Chocolate Chip Cookies. I'm giving them to the Admiral as a present." 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: " why all the hammering?" ENSIGN PODAR: "Well, I heard His Highness likes them good and flat." COMM. EINSTEIN: "His women?" ENSIGN PODAR: "No, stupid...his cookies." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Oh." ENSIGN PODAR: "Want some?" 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: " Let's go. The Jogabout is waiting." ENSIGN PODAR: "Cool! Which one are we taking?!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "The Charmin, I believe." ENSIGN PODAR: "Cool! Do I get to squeeze it?!" 8) (insert pause for out-of-context-theatre-reference here) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Hey! No squeezing the Charmin jokes!" ENSIGN PODAR: "Oh poop. You're no fun." (PODAR & EINSTEIN leave, en route to the Main Shuttlebay.) (Meanwhile...back in Holodeck #3) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "STOP! STOP!-" LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "BRIDGE TO ADMIRAL TREKKER." ADMIRAL TREKKER (Jolted back to reality): "...the Hell?!" LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Sir, we are approaching the drop off point for the rescue party." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Very well. Meet me in the Main Shuttlebay." LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Will do, sir. BRIDGE out." ADMIRAL TREKKER (Straightening his uniform): "Ah...that felt good. Computer, save program and exit." HOLODECK COMPUTER: "PROGRAM HAS BEEN SAVED." (The holodeck doors open and TREKKER leaves.) (We now turn our attention to the Starboard Side Lounge where breakfast is being served. For those of you who didn't read VAXTREK 9, the Starboard Side Lounge is a recent addition to the VAXERPRISE. Located in the interconnecting dorsal (the neck of the ship), the SSL serves as a more "elegant" alternative to Ten Forward. So...we now join LT. MOZART as he prepares to order breakfast.) (Writer's Note: Due to a clerical "error" in CSE 520, caused by 'a lack of chilled water', the role of LT. MOZART will be played by everyone's favorite Taco Bell geriatric and all-around failure NORM!(TM) aka Sean.) LT. MOZART: "EXCUSE ME?! WAITRESS?! YO! LADY?!" ENSIGN LOUCH: "WHAT?!" LT. MOZART: "My Figgy Fizz is flat!" ENSIGN LOUCH: "So is your head." :( LT. MOZART: "Hey! You can't talk to me like that! I'll withhold your gratuity!" ENSIGN LOUCH: "Oh yeah?! Withhold THIS!" LT. MOZART: *GASP* ENSIGN LOUCH: "For your information, I'm NOT a waitress!" LT. MOZART: "D'OH!" ENSIGN LOUCH: "I was GOING to ask if this seat was taken and join you for breakfast, but I see that you are nothing but a waste of time and space. Good bye." (ENSIGN LOUCH grabs her purse and walks to another table.) LT. MOZART (Sipping his still flat Figgy Fizz): "I hate it when that happens." (Suddenly two crew members from Engineering walk up to MOZART's table.) ENSIGN WOLFGANG: "Mind if we have a seat?" LT. MOZART: "No...not at all." 8( ENSIGN CADO: "Thanks." (Both crew members sit at the 4 person table, just as the Maitre'D approaches them.) COOPA: "Greetings Gentlemen, and welcome to the Starboard Side Lounge. I am COOPA, your Maitre'D. Our breakfast special today is Podarian Waffle Surprise." :) LT. MOZART (With eyes open wide): "God heps me I luuuuvz da waffulz!" 8) COOPA: "I presume you will be trying today's special?" :) LT. MOZART: "Do chickens have lips?!" 8) COOPA: "No...but I'll get the Waffles for you anyway." :) LT. MOZART: "Alright then." 8) COOPA: "Anything for you, sir?" ENSIGN WOLFGANG: "Yes. I would like two scrambled Owan eggs, heavy on the pepper, and a side order of Cardassian Bacon." ENSIGN CADO: "Uh...that's not particularly healthy you know." ENSIGN WOLFGANG: "Hey! You eat what YOU like and I'll eat what *I* like." :) COOPA: "And you, sir?" :) ENSIGN CADO: "Hmmm...I'll have a slice of lemon." COOPA: "Just a slice of lemon?" ENSIGN CADO: "Yeah...well, you see...I've been sick, and..." COOPA: "A slice of lemon it is. Your orders will be ready in a thrice." :) (COOPA leaves.) LT. MOZART: "So, what brings you guys here?" ENSIGN WOLFGANG: "Turbolift MANGO, but that's not important right now." LT. MOZART: "No, I mean WHY are you here?" ENSIGN WOLFGANG: "Well, after graduating from the Academy, I was assigned to the USS BOBITT, which had its warp core forcibly jettisoned during the Starfleet Christmas Party..." LT. MOZART: "NO! I mean *WHY* are you *HERE*!?" ENSIGN WOLFGANG: "Ah, a philosophical question. Indeed, it can be asked 'Why are ANY of us here?' Is there a supreme being who placed us here for a purpose? Or are we an accident of evolution, a statistical oddity, a mere burp in the great digestive tract of the universe?" LT. MOZART: "Nevermind. Just nevermind." ENSIGN WOLFGANG: "Whew, that's a relief. We really didn't come here for a heavy conversation; we're the night shift in Engineering and we thought we'd knock off work before LT. COMM. PALLAS showed up." ENSIGN CADO: "He's not the most enjoyable person to be around, you know." LT. MOZART: "Gee...I've been telling people that for YEARS!" ENSIGN CADO: "Ah. Well allow me to introduce ourselves, I am Ensign CADO, and this is Ensign WOLFGANG." LT. MOZART: "WOLFGANG? Did you say Wolfgang?" ENSIGN CADO: "Yeah. What about it?" LT. MOZART: "I'm Lieutenant MOZART." ENSIGN WOLFGANG: "MOZART?! that possible?" LT. MOZART: "I suppose so." ENSIGN CADO: "Wow. The irony of it all." :) LT. MOZART: "Gee...I feel so...COMMON." ENSIGN WOLFGANG: "Well, think of it this way. It could always be worse." (Suddenly a 4th person arrives at the table.) ENSIGN AMADEUS: "Hello...mind if I join you?" LT. MOZART & ENSIGN WOLFGANG: "AAAUUUUGGGHHH!!!" (Meanwhile, up in Ten For, er, Cindy's Bar & Grill...) LT. SIREN: "Where *is* everyone?" ROMANTIC: "At the Sadboard Side Lounge." LT. SCRIB: "Don't you mean 'Starboard Side Lounge'?" ROMANTIC: "Whatever." LT. SIREN: "But it's so...QUIET in here." ROMANTIC: "Well, we have a new "No Failures" policy. That kinda limits our client base." LT. SCRIB: "No failures? Whoops - gotta go!" (LT. SCRIB leaves.) LT. SIREN: "Sad." ROMANTIC: *Sigh* . ___ ___ . |_|_| __---__ |_|_| ___\_/_____---_______---_____\_/___ \_________________________________/ \\_ \_______/ _// . . \\_ `---' _// \\..-|_|-..// . . `/ .---. \' . | | o | | \ `___' / `-----' (Shifting our viewpoint to the Main Shuttlebay, PODAR and EINSTEIN are about to board the Charmin.) ENSIGN PODAR: "I just LOVE these little field trips!" 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: "You mean like the time you took the Admiral to that Managerial Conference on Yakum 2?" 8) ENSIGN PODAR: " promised you wouldn't bring that up again." COMM. EINSTEIN: "What are YOU complaining about. The scars healed, didn't they?" ENSIGN PODAR: 8( COMM. EINSTEIN: "Which reminds me, I thought the Admiral would give us a send off or something. I'm surprised he isn't here, yet." ENSIGN PODAR (Wide eyed): "HEY! Maybe he's stuck in a Turbolift! I'll go help!" 8) COMM. EINSTEIN (Grabbing Podar's arm): "Whoa, Skippy! Not so fast!" ENSIGN PODAR (Taking a seat next to his dufflebag): "Sorry. I get carried away sometimes." (ENSIGN PODAR whips out his Tricorder and begins fiddling around with it.) COMM. EINSTEIN: "I wonder if VENKMAN is ok. It's been almost a year since we uh, granted him shoreleave." (ENSIGN PODAR stares intently at his Tricorder's viewscreen.) ENSIGN PODAR: "Yeah...well, he's a resourceful...Ummph!...young lad. I'm sure he'll...Dang!...find enough food to...AAAUUGHH!!...survive." 8( COMM. EINSTEIN: "What are you doing?" ENSIGN PODAR: "Playing TETRIS(tm)!" 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: "TETRIS(tm)?! On a Tricorder?!" ENSIGN PODAR: "Hey, it's better than picking scabs, alright?!" (Ensign PODAR puts his Tricorder away just as ADMIRAL TREKKER and LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA enter.) ENSIGN PODAR: "Speaking of scabs..." 8) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Greetings, Gentlemen. I'd like to bid you a fond adieu..." ENSIGN PODAR: "A fond WHAT?" ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Adieu. It's French for goodbye." (ENSIGN PODAR still looks extremely puzzled.) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "You know...adieu...ADIEU." ENSIGN PODAR: "Gesundheit." 8) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "D'oh! Anyway, good luck on your little escapade, and, uh... may the force be with you." ENSIGN PODAR: "Wh?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Thank you, Admiral. We'll bring VENKMAN back alive." ENSIGN PODAR (Whispering to EINSTEIN): "Uh...but what if he's dead?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Shhh! You'll ruin the moment." 8) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Farewell, Number One. We'll rendezvous with you in 3 days." LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Actually, sir...that's 3 days 11 hours and 15 minutes." ADMIRAL TREKKER (Looking briefly at LTCOMDATA): "That's VERY nice, Commander. Now go to sleep." LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA (Feigning slumber): "Z-z-z-z-z..." ADMIRAL TREKKER (Waving): "So long, men!" 8) LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA (Also waving): "Have fun stormin' the planet!" (PODAR and EINSTEIN grab their belongings and climb aboard the Charmin.) LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Think it'll work?" ADMIRAL TREKKER: "It would take a miracle." (Pause) TREKKER & LTCOMDATA (Waving): "BYE!" (The Jogabout door closes and PODAR and EINSTEIN walk toward the cockpit.) COMM. EINSTEIN: "I just noticed something." ENSIGN PODAR: "And what was that?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "LTCOMDATA is using contractions." ENSIGN PODAR: "I know. It's a virus." COMM. EINSTEIN: "LTCOMDATA has a VIRUS?!" ENSIGN PODAR (Whispering): "Shhh! Not so loud! Someone might hear you!" (The cockpit door slides open, allowing our heroes to enter it's spacious confines. Both PODAR & EINSTEIN take their seats and prepare to depart.) COMM. EINSTEIN: "So explain this...VIRUS a little more to me." ENSIGN PODAR: "Well, not to implicate anyone, but ENSIGN RASHEED and I came up with the idea as a birthday present for LTCOMDATA. You see, first he'll start using contractions, then he'll develop a sense of humor. After a while, before you know it, it'll almost be a pleasure to have him around." 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Ok, but what if his neural net feeds back on itself, and it kills him?" ENSIGN PODAR (Flipping a few switches): "Then Russ gets promoted, Chad gets that recipe for Vulcan Plomeek Soup, and everyone is happy." 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Alright then. Prepare for departure." 8) ENSIGN PODAR: "CHARMIN TO VAXERPRISE, we are ready to depart." SHIP'S COMPUTER: "CHARMIN, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR DEPARTURE." ___ . ___ |___| __---__ |___| . ___\_/_____---.--.--.---_____\_/___ . . \____\\_______\__:__/_______//____/ \\_ \__| |__/ _// . \\_ `| |' _// . \\..=====..// . . . `/|||||||\' __.-----------.__ . / `-----------' \ . . __' .-----------. `__ /.--. / .---------. \ .--.\ . : || |/ /_____|_____\ \| || . __'`__ \_`___________'_/ __'`__ . |__||__| `-------------' |__||__| `----' `----' : . . (Meanwhile, zillions of feet away, The Imperial Warbird CORVUS is leading a formidable armada of Romulan Vessels toward Federation Space. We join Praetor ACHERNAR aboard the CORVUS as he discusses battle strategy with his First Officer.) . . //-o-\\ _____---=======---_____ ====____\ /=====\ /____==== . // `--\ \ / /--' \\ \_\ \ o / /_/ . \_/ . : . . . __--=====----~~ __~~ __-~~---/ //-o-\\ _~~~_ __~~ .==== _____---=======---_____ | ||| | | . ====____\ /=====\ /____==== \___/.__ ` ... // `--\ \_/ /--' \\ ~~__ ~~--______\ \_\ \ o / / _/ .~~--__======-\ \ . \_/ __--=====----~~~~~~----=====--__ \ __~~ __-~~---/ \---~~-__ ~~__ .\_ . _~~~_ __~~ .==========. ~~__ _~~~_ . | ||| | | \ / | | ||| | \___/.__ ` --- --- ' . __.\___/ . . ~~__ ~~--______\ /______--~~ __~~ . ~~--__======-\ \/ /-======__--~~ \ / . . \ / . . . . \/ . -~~~~~~----=====--__ : \---~~-__ ~~__ . =========. ~~__ _~~~_ . . . | | ||| | INSERT CLOAKED ROMULAN ... ... ' __.\___/ WARBIRD HERE /______--~~ __~~ . \ \/ /-======__--~~ \ / \__/ . . . . . . PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "Hey First Officer, let's discuss battle strategy!" CENTURION ZOROASTER: "As you wish, sir." PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "As soon as we reach the Neutral Zone, I want to be sure that we're armed to the teeth! Someone fetch me my photon dentures!" LT. D'QMAN: "Aye, aye...your gumminess!" CENTURION ZOROASTER: "By the time we arrive, we should have 17 Warbirds and 26 Stormbirds with us. More than a match for the pathetic Federation. Mooohahahha!" 8) PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "Oh HAPPY day! Federation space shall be MINE, and I'll be able to fulfuill my lifelong dream of opening a chain of Wholesale Kwikie Marts! Lieutenant! Get Regis Philbin on the phone! I demand an interview at once!" 8) LT. KIKAIDER: "Yes, your wizardry." PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "Ah...everything's coming up roses!" 8) CENTURION ZOROASTER: "Whatever you say, sir." . . . . . . __--=====----~~~~~~----=====--__ __~~ __-~~-----_ _-----~~-__ ~~__ _~~~_ __~~ : | | : ~~__ _~~~_ . . | [ ] | . | | | | | [ ] | \___/.__ ` | | ' __.\___/ . ~~__ ~~--______\__/ \__/______--~~ __~~ . ~~--__======----------======__--~~ . \ / . . \ / . : . \/ . .. . (Later, on the bridge of the USS VAXERPRISE) ___. ___. ___. ___======_________________________________ ___. \ === USS VAXERPRISE = NCC 1313-A ==>== / __--__ \______________________________________/ ____________---______---___________ ___. \_ \ \_________________________________/ \_ \ ___. / : .. _/ \______/ \_ \ / : _ / `--' ___. ____\_ \______'-------===, ___. ___. /_| \_| : .::. | | ___. \____ .: --========>== | ___. ----___ | | ___. ___. --------------' ___. ___. ___. ADMIRAL TREKKER: "So...what's next on our itinerary?" LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "I believe we're scheduled for shoreleave, sir." LT. COMM. ACKER: "SHORELEAVE?! Did someone say shoreleave?! LT. COMM. PYEWACKET: "Great! I'll get to read 'Taming of the Shmoo'!" LT. OVERDOSE: "The Taming of the WHAT???" LT. COMM. PYEWACKET: "The Shmoo...THE SHMOO!" LT. OVERDOSE: "Gesundheit." 8) LT. COMM. PYEWACKET: "D'oh!" LT. COMM. ACKER: "I'll be able to get my hair done!" COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "...and finally be able to carry out that scheme of mine wherein I take over the ship and...uh, forget I said that." LT. OVERDOSE: "Did I mention we're all going to die?" LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Yes. To be exact, you've mentioned it 48,654.5 times since we left spacedock. 873 times in your quarters, 397 times on various turbolifts, 18,151 times in the corridors, 25,253 times on the bridge, 2417 times in Ten Forward, twice in the main shuttlebay, and 1561 times in the Transporter Room." LT. COMM. ACKER: "Uh...what about the .5?" LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "He was interrupted twice." LT. OVERDOSE: :( LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "To be frank with you,'re beginning to bring us all down, and it's depressing the hell out of me." LT. COMM. ACKER: "Cool. I didn't know your name was Frank." LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Oh, just shut the hell up." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Commander? Are you feeling well?" LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "I don't feel anything. I am an android." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "But, you're using contractions!" LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "A guy can expand his vocabulary, can't he?!" COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "Actually, wouldn't that be considered contracting?" ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Counselor! Puns are NOT allowed on my bridge!" COUNSELOR BELGARATH: " wasn't intended as a pun. Just a fortuitous observation on my part." :) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Fortuitous observation? Hmmm, perhaps you should be eating more fiber." COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "Wh?" LT. COMM. ACKER: "...and it's not-the-hell your bridge, Admiral." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "I beg your pardon, Commander." >:( LT. COMM. ACKER: "Um...I was just saying that the Nadahailia Bridge on Gignac IV is so very lovely this time of year. Yeah, that's what I was saying..." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Grrrr..." >:[ COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "Wait! I sense a plot point in the extremely near future." LT. OVERDOSE: "Sir, I'm receiving an urgent message from Commodore ZAPHOD. It's encoded as Captain's-Eyes-Only." COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "Called it." 8) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Very well, pipe it through to my...whoops! I'm not a Captain anymore. Oh well...I guess it's not for me then." :) LT. OVERDOSE: "Should I just hang up?" ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Be my guest." :) LT. OVERDOSE: "Alright, then." *click* ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Now, where were we?" COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "I think we were talking about how the bridge was 'not-the-hell' yours." :) LT. COMM. ACKER: "Shhhh!" ADMIRAL TREKKER: >:( LT. COMM. ACKER: "Well, your NAME isn't on it." ADMIRAL TREKKER: >:( LT. COMM. ACKER: "'s on the commissioning plaque, but that doesn't count! *GULP* Does it?" ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Mr. ACKER..." >:( LT. COMM. ACKER: "I know, I know. Confine myself to an airlock." 8( ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Good. As long as we're clear on your orders. And as punishment, you have to wear the dunce helmet." :) LT. COMM. ACKER: "Aw, gee whiz." <8( (LT. COMM. ACKER leaves to momentarily confine himself to the aforementioned airlock.) LT. OVERDOSE: "Sir, we're being hailed by Commodore ZAPHOD again. This time his message is encoded as Admiral's-Eyes-Only." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "That's better. I'll take it in my Ready Room. Commander LTCOMDATA, you have the conn." LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "CONN!!!! Er, I mean 'Aye Aye, sir'" (Admiral TREKKER leaves) LT. OVERDOSE: "ADMIRAL OFF THE BRIDGE!" (LT. COMM. ACKER enters, after his stint in the airlock.) LT. OVERDOSE: "FAILURE ON THE BRIDGE!" LT. COMM. ACKER: "Russ?" 8( LT. OVERDOSE: "Yes, my liege?" :) LT. COMM. ACKER: "Shut up." LT. OVERDOSE: "But you look so CUTE in the dunce helmet." :) (Shifting our viewpoint to the Admiral's Ready Room) COMMODORE ZAPHOD: "Our remote sensors have been detecting some Romulan activity in Sector 107-M." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "That's near the Federation Neutral Zone!" COMMODORE ZAPHOD: "We know. That's why we want to go and...DRAT!" ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Is everything ok, Commodore?" COMMODORE ZAPHOD: "Yeah, I'm just running Doom(tm) on another terminal here. Hold on a second, I'll be right back." =) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Alright then." (Admiral TREKKER leaves his desk and saunters over to his food replicator.) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Computer, 5 Cookies, Chocolate Chip, 4 Chewy, 1 Crunchy, Hold the walnuts." SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WORKING." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Oh! And a glass of milk...6 degrees Celsius please." (*PING*) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Ah...nuthin' says lovin' like cookies from the oven!" :) (TREKKER returns to his desk.) ADMIRAL TREKKER: *chomp-chomp-chomp* *gurgle-gurgle* *chomp-chomp* :) COMMODORE ZAPHOD: "Ok...I'm back. That's really a fun game, Jean-Luc. You should try it." =) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Maybe later. I'm still trying to get the hang of Mines(tm). So, you were telling me about the Romulans?" COMMODORE ZAPHOD: "Yes. It's Starfleet's belief that Praetor ACHERNAR is planning an offensive attack near our most distant outpost." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "NOT DEEP ROW I?!" COMMODORE ZAPHOD: "Exactly. And we're trying to get as many starships together as we can. However, your's being the flagship, we have a 'special' mission for you." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Uh...this doesn't involve me dressing up as a pig again, does it?" COMMODORE ZAPHOD: "" ADMIRAL TREKKER: "That's good, 'cause I remember the LAST time I had to go on one of those 'special' missions, I was almost arrested for prostitution, and you KNOW how those Tellarite police can be." COMMODORE ZAPHOD: "Uh...yeah." ADMIRAL TREKKER: :) COMMODORE ZAPHOD: "Jean-Luc, we want you to take an Awayteam to Romulus to covertly gain some information that will give us a tactical advantage." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "ROMULUS?! But, that's clear across the...hmmm. Are there any Chocolate Chip Cookies in it for me?" COMMODORE ZAPHOD: "No." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Then how am I supposed to get motivated for such grueling work, if I don't get any benefit from it?!" COMMODORE ZAPHOD: "Well, Starfleet Command COULD forget about your allowing a KNOWN Romulan spy to ESCAPE with vital Starfleet information!" ADMIRAL TREKKER: "HEY! You can't threaten me! I outrank you!" COMMODORE ZAPHOD: "That may be so...but I'm the one with the oh-so-kooshy desk job." =) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Hmmm...I see your point. Very well then. We will make haste to Romulus. Oh wait! We don't have a cloaking device! How are we going to get there with out being attacked?" COMMODORE ZAPHOD: "Well, stop by the Starbase, and we'll paint your ship green. You'll blend right in." =) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "GREEN?! You can't paint the VAXERPRISE GREEN!" COMMODORE ZAPHOD: "No, we're painting the VAXERPIGEON green. We'll be expecting you shortly, Admiral. uh, ZAPHOD...out." =) (TREKKER's desktop monitor reverts to it's Starfleet Logo ScreenSaver(tm).) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "The USS VAXERPIGEON? Good grief." :( (As TREKKER prepares to leave his Ready Room, he stops at his fishtank and decides to feed his fish who, unbeknownst to him, is actually CAPTAIN RECYCLER who Z turned into a Dragon Wrasse several months ago.) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Hello little fishy. How are you today?" :) (RECYCLER rams his head against the front of the fishtank repeatedly, startling TREKKER.) ADMIRAL TREKKER: "WHOA! Settle down, Binky! You're so touchy! We're going to have to lower the temperature in your fishtank. COMPUTER, set the temperature in the fishtank to 75." SHIP'S COMPUTER: "PLEASE SPECIFY SCALE. CELSIUS, FAHRENHEIT, KELVIN, RICHTER, BEAUFORT, MOH'S, RANCH, THOUSAND ISLAND, OR BLEU CHEESE." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Hmmm...let's try something different today. How about... KELVIN." SHIP'S COMPUTER: "TEMPERATURE IS BEING CHANGED." ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Have fun, Binky. I'll be back later to check on you." :) (Little does the Admiral know that this temperature change will cause the water in the tank to freeze solid in a matter of minutes. In the meantime, RECYCLER continues to ram himself into the front of the fishtank.) ___ ___ |___| __---__ |___| . ___\_/_____---.--.--.---_____\_/___ . \____\\_______\__:__/_______//____/ \\_ \__| |__/ _// \\_ `| |' _// . \\..=====..// . . . `/|||||||\' |_-------_| . \ / `-----' (Meanwhile...aboard the CHARMIN.) ______. ______. ______. ___.----------------._______ / `----------------' `-----_ ______. ______. / __________________ ooooo oooo `----_ ___ /__ \ | | / =====> _ .---`---. //// / | | \ ooooo |o| `________\ \__--'------------------`-------__`_'_____________/ ______. ______. |_Charmin________________/__ /--------' `---------------------------' ______. ______. ______. ______. ______. ENSIGN PODAR: "I just thought of something." COMM. EINSTEIN (half asleep): "What's that?" ENSIGN PODAR: "I'm starting to have doubts about our mission." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Why? Because neither one of us really knows what we're doing? Or because every time we go on a mission like this, something always goes wrong? Or possibly because the graphic of our ship looks like a Yugo that somebody stepped on?" ENSIGN PODAR: "Well, actually, I hadn't thought of those things. I was just wondering if there were other ships in that quadrant." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Uh...maybe?" ENSIGN PODAR: "And isn't that system OUTSIDE of Federation territory?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Yeah!" ENSIGN PODAR (thinking): "Um..." COMM. EINSTEIN: "What's wrong?" ENSIGN PODAR: "I think there ARE other ships in that quadrant." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Well there SHOULDN'T be. The VAXERPRISE was the only one assigned to map it." ENSIGN PODAR: "Yes, but do you remember what we FOUND out there?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "No, I... *GASP*!" ENSIGN PODAR & COMM. EINSTEIN: "ROMULANS!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "We're dead." ENSIGN PODAR: 8( (Shifting our viewpoint back to the Imperial Warbird CORVUS) . . . . : . INSERT CLOAKED INSERT CLOAKED . ROMULAN WARBIRD HERE ROMULAN STORMBIRD INSERT CLOAKED HERE ROMULAN WARBIRD HERE . : . . . __--=====----~~~~~~----=====--__ : __~~ __-~~---/ \---~~-__ ~~__ . _~~~_ __~~ .==========. ~~__ _~~~_ . | ||| | | \ / | | ||| | \___/.__ ` ___ ___ ' __.\___/ . . ~~__ ~~--______\ /______--~~ __~~ . ~~--__======-\ \/ /-======__--~~ \ / . . \ / . . INSERT ROMULAN . \/ WARBIRD HERE INSERT...well . you get the point...8) . . . : (We join Praetor ACHERNAR on the bridge of the CORVUS as his consort T'NOLAN tells him a bedtime story.) T'NOLAN: "And the mommy spider said to the baby spider, 'Be sure to eat all your grubs little one, or you won't grow up to be as old and shriveled as your daddy over there.'" PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "Hahaha! Tell me another one, tell me another one!" T'NOLAN: "Ok...once upon a time, there were three Rocky Mountain Spotted Ticks. The first tick was named Vespasian, after the great but little known Roman emperor. He was a rather malnourished tick because he spent most of his life on the hood of a 1955 Studebaker. The second tick was named Osiris, after the Ancient Egyptian god of the underworld. He too was rather sickly to behold for he was trapped in a sarcophagus for over 3000 years. PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "Oooo! Then what?" T'NOLAN: "Well, the THIRD tick was named Babette Von Westchester. She was a very happy tick. She spent most of her life looking for buried treasure on the shores of Lake Titicaca." CENTURION ZOROASTER: "I hate to break this up, but several ships have arrived and are requesting to join the armada." PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "Power up disruptors and FIRE!!! Oh, wait, are they Romulan ships?" CENTURION ZOROASTER: "Of COURSE they're ROMULAN!" PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "Ah...then invite them to join us! The more the merrier I always say!" CENTURION ZOROASTER: "As you wish...sir." PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "Helm, what's our current heading?" LT. D'QMAN: "119 Mark 9, sir." PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "Ugh...that'll NEVER do. Change our course to 237 Mark 17." LT. D'QMAN: "Uh...but sir, that'll take us..." PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "I know where it takes us, Lieutenant! Just plot the course 'lest I kill you where you stand." LT. D'QMAN: "But sir, you said..." PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "DON'T DO AS I SAY!!! DO AS I SAY!!!" LT. D'QMAN: "Oookay. Changing course to 237 Mark 17." PRAETOR ACHERNAR (Sitting back down): "Thank you, Lieutenant. Now...where were we? Oh yes, the ticks." 8) T'NOLAN: "Yes...the third tick was Babette Von Westchester. Her sister was the patron saint of splinter removal you've heard me tell about. That's why she was so tall. Not many people know that." PRAETOR ACHERNAR: 8) (A little later, aboard the CHARMIN.) ______. ______. ______. ___.----------------._______ / `----------------' `-----_ ______. ______. / __________________ ooooo oooo `----_ ___ /__ \ | | / =====> _ .---`---. //// / | | \ ooooo |o| `________\ \__--'------------------`-------__`_'_____________/ ______. ______. |_Charmin________________/__ /--------' `---------------------------' ______. ______. ______. ______. ______. ENSIGN PODAR (singing to EINSTEIN): "Did you ever know that you're my hero? And everything I'd like to be... I could fly HIGH-er than an eagle..." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Shut up, already!" ENSIGN PODAR: "Just trying to break the monotony, sir." 8( COMM. EINSTEIN: "Yeah, well... *sigh* Heck, I can't get mad at you! You're my best friend!" 8) (COMM. EINSTEIN and ENSIGN PODAR sit smiling contentedly for a moment...) *FWOOSH* Z: "Nope! I won't say it. It's much too easy." 8) *FWOOSH* COMM. EINSTEIN: "Was that who I thought it was?" ENSIGN PODAR: "Nope." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Good." ENSIGN PODAR: "So tell me, why did you come on this mission?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Well, if you must know, when I was last on Gignac Four, I met someone...special." 8) ENSIGN PODAR: "Oh? What was his name?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "HER, you IDIOT!" ENSIGN PODAR: "Heh-heh....of course....'her'. What was HER name?" 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Genevieve!" 8) ENSIGN PODAR: "Genevieve? Interesting name...if you like Goldfish. I once had a Goldfish named Genevieve. Or was it an Angelfish? distinctly recall her as being a Goldfish. Anyway, I remember coming home from Preschool one day and asking my mom, 'Mommy? Where's Genevieve?'...and Mommy would say, 'I flushed her down the toilet.' Then I said, 'But MA! She was my only FRIEND!' Then Mommy said, 'Why don't you get a REAL friend, you LOSER!' I think THAT's when my life generally started to decline. You know, this means I'm going have to change my 20 year plan. Did I ever tell you about my 20 year plan? Well, let me tell year ONE I promised myself I'd lose those extra 7 pounds...'cause between you and me, it looks like I'm wearin' 7 pounds of butter. Can you believe that?! It looks like I'm wearin' 7 pounds of butter! Well, where was I? Oh yeah, the Goldfish. Well, Evelyn told me that if Mama was gonna flush my pet down the toilet then I had NO business singin' at her sister's wedding! You know they were going to have me sing 'Dude Looks Like A Lady', and I haven't sung that since Cindy's wedding, but you know me! Always up for a challenge!" 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Uh...pardon me a second but, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ME?!" ENSIGN PODAR: "Oh...I'm sorry. Back to your 'girl'friend. What's 'she' like?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Perfection. 8) I would look into her perfect eyes, enjoy the touch of her perfect skin, and I was charmed by the wit of her perfect mind." 8) ENSIGN PODAR (rolling eyes): "Uh-huh." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Ah, when you meet her, you'll see!" ENSIGN PODAR: "I'm sure..." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Oh, ye of little..." SHIP'S COMPUTER: "DANGER! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! THERE IS A VESSEL APPROACHING." COMM. EINSTEIN: "HELL-O!" ENSIGN PODAR: "I'll try to get a visual." COMM. EINSTEIN: "According to the sensors it seems to be a small transport ship." ENSIGN PODAR: "Hmmmm...I'll put it on screen." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Actually, I'd rather YOU put it on the screen." .-----------------------------. | | | . . __ . | | / \ | | | OO | . | | . __/_\__/_\__ | | : \__________/ . | `-----------------------------' COMM. EINSTEIN: "Ewww....what a sad looking ship." ENSIGN PODAR: "Reminds me of my mother." 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Bleh. Reminds me of an ugly, undifferentiated blob." ENSIGN PODAR: "Hey! Don't talk about my mother like that!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Oh, just quit whining and hail the vessel." ENSIGN PODAR: "Will do, Commander. HI MOM! This is the Federation Jogabout Charmin. Please identify yourself." VOICE OVER INTERCOM: "Surrender your vessel and prepare to be boarded!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "E-I-E-I don't think so..." ENSIGN PODAR: "Shall I raise shields?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Well, I'm not reading any weapons on the vessel, so I don't think..." (Suddenly the whine of a transporter fills the air.) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Ack! Get a weapon!" ENSIGN PODAR: "Uh...the weapons are in the other room." 8( COMM. EINSTEIN: "D'OH!" (A figure in a bright-colored swashbuckler's outfit with a sword at his belt suddenly materializes. He's also carrying a huge phaser rifle!) ENSIGN PODAR: "What the...?" SWASHBUCKLER: "SILENCE!" ENSIGN PODAR: 8( COMM. EINSTEIN: "What in the heck ARE you?" SWASHBUCKLER: "That is not your concern. Surrender this vessel!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "You've GOT to be kidding." SWASHBUCKER (leveling the phaser at EINSTEIN): "Do I LOOK like I'm kidding?" ENSIGN PODAR: "Well, to look at you I'd say you were planning to visit the circus." 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Shut up, Skippy. No, Mr. Swashbuckler-type-terrorist-guy, you DON'T look like you're kidding, however..." SWASHBUCKLER: "Then surrender!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Do you realize the penalty for assaulting a Starfleet vessel?" ENSIGN PODAR: "Particularly one that's being piloted by two studly officers such as ourselves?" 8) SWASHBUCKLER: "Do you realize what it feels like to be dead?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Well, no..." SWASHBUCKLER: "Then I suggest you surrender." (ENSIGN PODAR places the back of his hand on his forehead and looks forlorny at the ceiling.) ENSIGN PODAR: "Oh, the horror! Jeff, whatever shall we do?!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "I am COMMANDER EINSTEIN from the Federation Battlestar VAXERPRISE. If you harm us in any way, our shipmates will hunt you down until you are dead, dead, DEAD!" SWASHBUCKLER: "So?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Well, as long as you understand that." 8) SWASHBUCKLER: "I do." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Then we surrender!" ENSIGN PODAR: 8( SWASHBUCKLER: "Good!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "By the way, do you have a name?" SWASHBUCKLER: "Yes, I do. However, you may refer to me simply as 'ROGUE'." ENSIGN PODAR: "VOGUE?!" ROGUE: "No, that's ROGUE, you MORON!" ENSIGN PODAR: "Alright then, ROGUE you MORON." 8) ROGUE: "Shut up! Now, lock your ship's weapons on my vessel and destroy it!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Oooo-kay." . . * . . ___.----------------._______ | * / `----------------' `-----_ * | _/ ./ __________________ ooooo oooo `----_ . \ | // \ /__ \ | | / =====> _ .---`---. **|/OO | //// / | | \ ooooo |o| `________\ ___________****\----*__ \__--'------------------`-------__`_'_____________/ **_\______/ |_Charmin________________/__ /--------' . . / \ \ `---------------------------' : * \ * * ROGUE: "Well done. Now, you will plot a course for Jelico 9." ENSIGN PODAR: "Why?" 8) ROGUE (Aiming the rifle at PODAR's head): "Because I SAID SO!" ENSIGN PODAR: "Because you said so why?" 8) ROGUE: "JUST SHUT UP AND PLOT, MONKEY BOY!" ENSIGN PODAR: 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Jelico 9?! That's over four hundred light years away! Our top speed is Warp Four. It will take us YEARS to get there!" ROGUE: "Just shut up and drive, or your goofy looking friend here gets it!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Your point?" ENSIGN PODAR: "Hey!" 8( COMM. EINSTEIN: "This bites." ENSIGN PODAR: *sigh* 8( COMM. EINSTEIN: "Surely you realize you can't hold us at bay forever." ROGUE: "Yes, I can. And stop calling me Shirley." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Uh...I don't THINK so! You have to sleep SOMEtime..." ROGUE: "I already thought of that. In my pouch here, I have 10 packs of No-Doz (Version 4.0) which will keep me awake for MONTHS at a time." 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: "A-ha! But you have only 10 packs! What will you do when they run out?" ROGUE: "I'll use the replicator when I'm down to 1 pack." 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: "D'OH! Well, I guess we'll just be a-goin' to Jelico 9 then." 8( ENSIGN PODAR: "Yeah, but look on the bright side: there's always room for Jelico." 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Bleh." (Meanwhile...aboard the VAXERPRISE) ______. _______. ______. ___======_________________________________ \ === USS VAXERPRISE = NCC 1313-A ==>== / __--__ \______________________________________/ ____________---______---___________ \_ \ \_________________________________/ ______. \_ \ _____ / : .. _/ \______/ ______. \_ \ / : _ / `--' ____\_ \______'-------===, ______. ______. /_| \_| : .::. | | \____ .: --========>== | ______. ----___ | | ______. ______. --------------' ______. ______. (We encounter several crewmembers having a heated discussion, in Engineering.) LT. COMM. PALLAS: "THERE'S GUAVA JELLY ALL OVER THE DILITHIUM CRYSTAL ASSEMBLY!" LT. ZENMASTER: "HEY! I HAD TO EAT LUNCH SOMEWHERE!" LT. COMM. PALLAS: "WELL THE DILITHIUM CRYSTAL CHAMBER IS NOT THE PLACE! JUST *LOOK* AT THE MESS YOU LEFT!" LT. FLOUNDER: "Uh, begging your pardon, sire...but isn't it ill-advised to have the dilithium chamber open while we're in Warp?" LT. COMM. PALLAS: "We're at Warp?" LT. ZENMASTER: "According to my display, we are." LT. COMM. PALLAS: "You can't prove that." LT. ZENMASTER: "ENGINEERING TO BRIDGE." LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "BRIDGE HERE." LT. ZENMASTER: "What's our current speed?" LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Warp 7.3" LT. COMM. PALLAS: "EVIL!" LT. FREEMAN (Running in): "Sir! SIR! We have an emergency in the Deuterium Storage Tank!" LT. COMM. PALLAS: "THE DEUTERIUM STORAGE TANK?! WHAT IS IT?" LT. FREEMAN: "It's a large cryogen tank where we store frozen hydrogen. But that's not important right now." LT. COMM. PALLAS: "I know THAT, fluffhead! I want to know what happened!" LT. FREEMAN: "Oh! LT. HORST collapsed!" LT. COMM. PALLAS: "Collapsed?! What was he doing in there?" LT. FREEMAN: "Well...he was uh..." LT. COMM. PALLAS: "SPIT IT OUT MAN! WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY!" LT. FREEMAN: "He was...eating his lunch, sir." LT. COMM. PALLAS: "HIS LUNCH? IN THE CRYOGEN TANK? WHAT WOULD POSSESS HIM TO DO A DUMB THING LIKE THAT?" LT. ZENMASTER: "Well, SOME tyrants don't LET people eat their lunch on DUTY where it's CONVENIENT!" LT. COMM. PALLAS: "Bite me, Lieutenant." >:( LT. ZENMASTER: "Aye aye, sir!" *CRUNCH* LT. COMM. PALLAS: "AAAUUUGGHHH!" LT. ZENMASTER: :) LT. FLOUNDER: "Oh, THAT's going to leave an attractive scar." LT. COMM. PALLAS: "Well, I guess now were ALL going to have to go to sickbay." LT. ZENMASTER: "What do you mean WE? YOU'RE the one suffering the wrath of... DISGUSTING MAN!" :) LT. COMM. PALLAS: "Shut up, Lieutenant. FLOUNDER, hold down the fort while I'm gone. FREEMAN, you're with me." LT. FREEMAN: "Yes, sir." LT. COMM. PALLAS (Leaving engineering): "ENGINEERING TO SICKBAY. Send a medical team to the cryogen tank on deck 34, on the double." NURSE SELINA: "SICKBAY here. Will do, Commander." (PALLAS and FREEMAN leave.) LT. ZENMASTER (Opening a box under his chair): "I thought he'd NEVER leave." (ZENMASTER then begins to devour a foot-long pastrami sub.) LT. ZENMASTER (Chewing with his mouth open): "Want some?" LT. FLOUNDER (Visibly disgusted): "Ugh...god no." :( LT. ZENMASTER: :) (Meanwhile...back on the ill-fated Charmin) ______. ______. ______. ___.----------------._______ / `----------------' `-----_ ______. ______. / __________________ ooooo oooo `----_ ___ /__ \ | | / =====> _ .---`---. //// / | | \ ooooo |o| `________\ \__--'------------------`-------__`_'_____________/ ______. ______. |_Charmin________________/__ /--------' `---------------------------' ______. ______. ______. ______. ______. ENSIGN PODAR (whispering to EINSTEIN): "What are we going to do?" COMM. EINSTEIN (whispering back): "Um...nothing?" ROGUE: "BE QUIET!" ENSIGN PODAR: 8( SHIP'S COMPUTER: "ARG! A VAST ME HARDEES! THERE BE A VESSEL APPROACHING!" ROGUE: "Computer, on screen." SHIP'S COMPUTER: "NO, COMPUTER NOT ON SCREEN. COMPUTER IN MAIN CONSOLE OF SHIP. COMPUTER THINK YOU NEED TO GET CLUE." ROGUE: "Erg. Just show me the stupid vessel." SHIP'S COMPUTER: "OKEY-DOKEY." .----------------------------------------------------------------------------. | . .-----. | | . \ _-_ / . | | ______________.----'---`-----._____________ | | \_________________________________________/ . | | `------___________------' | | . `---' | | . _|_|_ . | | . /__|__\ | | : `-----' . | | . ___|_|___ : | | /_________\ | | . `---------' . | | | `----------------------------------------------------------------------------' COMM. EINSTEIN: "I've never seen a ship like that before." ROGUE: "Raise shields and lock weapons on target!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "What!? They might be FRIENDLY!" ROGUE: "So?" ENSIGN PODAR: "You can't just go around blasting people for no reason!" ROGUE: "Yes I can. I'm evil! I hate everything and everyone. Now FIRE!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "NO! I refuse!" ROGUE (Leveling his phaser at EINSTEIN): "Are you SURE you want to do that?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Yes!" ROGUE: "Then DIE!!!!!" (ROGUE fires his phaser directly at EINSTEIN's chest. Unfortunately, the charge fizzles instantly and ROGUE is left holding a useless weapon.) ROGUE: "What the...?" (Suddenly, seizing the opportunity, ENSIGN PODAR lunges for ROGUE and knocks him to the floor.) ROGUE: "Oof! Get off me you WEIRDO!" ENSIGN PODAR: "I got him, Jeff! I got him! COMM. EINSTEIN: "Yay!" ENSIGN PODAR (*sniff-sniff*) "My! I just LOVE your cologne! You busy Friday night? *wink-wink*" 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Hang on, PODAR! I'll just get a hypo-spray and..." (The ship is rocked violently by a shot from the other vessel which has been hailing them for the last few minutes. The shot causes EINSTEIN to lose his balance. He falls onto the control panel and accidentally activates the interior stasis field. In a matter of seconds, PODAR, ROGUE and EINSTEIN are locked in suspended animation.) . . . _--------. _-_ : _/`__=====_/ ________________.---'---`----._______/ .--. \ . \_____________________________________.' \ .. \ `------____._.__--._ ... \ \ .. \ . ______ . `-' \_ . . \ \_ . \ . |______\ \______`_ \ .. \ =`==`= . /________| \ . \ `--------' \__ \ . . \ \.-----. . / <===== / . `--------' (Sometime later, COMMANDER EINSTEIN awakes to find himself laying on a double-sized bed. As he looks around the dark room, he notices another double bed. This one has two occupants, PODAR and ROGUE who seem to be unconscious, yet they are still locked in the same position which they were suspended. As EINSTEIN's head begins to clear, he notices a figure moving in the shadows...) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Who goes there?" FEMALE VOICE: "You are on my ship now. I ask the questions here." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Step into the light so I may see you." (EINSTEIN tries to rise, but realizes his legs won't move. Regaining his equilibrium, he squints into the darkness...) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Why won't my legs move?" FEMALE VOICE: "Because they're GONE!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "AAUGH!" FEMALE VOICE: "Just kidding. They're in restraints." 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Why?" FEMALE VOICE: "I told you. I ask the questions here. You answer." COMM. EINSTEIN: "COMMANDER JEFF K. EINSTEIN, United Federation of Planets, Serial Number 234523D23U77M88P8888ME92345PL6E7A7S7E99991- 8769W7I9L2L36Y9O7U3BE98MY36F9R2I3E6N4D298374629384726398- 45345346I76LO78VE999T8H8E8999COL99O54R7ADO78RO93CKI7ES51- 7658765H8I99M5Y888N8A7M4E88IS8562JE5F6F98237492384792384." FEMALE VOICE: "Wow. Your number is SO BIG!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Thanks. I really spent a lot of time working on it." FEMALE VOICE: "What do you mean?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Well, I was reading through the ads in the back of....a magazine, and I saw this product that claimed it could lengthen my serial number by up to 50 characters. I figured it wasn't really true, but I sent away for it on the off chance that it would work....and it did! Best ten bucks I ever spent..." FEMALE VOICE: "Um, yeah. Now, please explain your presence in this sector!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "This is Federation territory." FEMALE VOICE: "*Bzzzt* WRONG. We're OUTSIDE of Federation space by ONE...count 'em...ONE light year." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Oh. Well, we WERE on our way to rescue one of our shipmates when we were attacked by that man over there." FEMALE VOICE: "Which one?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "The one in the loud clothes." FEMALE VOICE: "Oh. The way those two were positioned, I figured they were a couple." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Uh, no." FEMALE VOICE: "Why didn't you respond to the hailing signal I sent?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "What signal?" FEMALE VOICE: "The one I sent just before I attacked your ship." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Oh. I guess I didn't notice since we were busy trying to subdue the ROGUE. He wanted us to fire on your ship!" FEMALE VOICE: "How rude!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Well, yeah, but...HEY, wait a minute! YOU fired on us, which by my thinking makes you just as rude as he. Heck, even MORE SO because you're wearing perfume!" FEMALE VOICE: "That's my right as a woman." COMM. EINSTEIN: "To wear perfume?" FEMALE VOICE: " fire on strange ships." COMM. EINSTEIN: "What!?" FEMALE VOICE: "You heard me." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Look, this isn't getting us anywhere. What is your name and what do you want?" FEMALE VOICE: "You may refer to me as Dark Lady. As for what I want, I haven't decided. I have already downloaded all the information from your ship's computer banks that I want, so I certainly don't need any more of that. I also don't need three more mouths to feed, so I can't keep you here long. The question remains as to what to do with you. I can't just let you go, lest you fire upon me. And I can't just kill you because it goes against my principles. These things have to be done DELICATELY, or you'll hurt the spell." 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: "But you attacked us! We could have been killed then!" DARK LADY: "I only fired at your engines. Speaking of which, if I do return you to your ship, I'm afraid you won't be going anywhere fast. I kinda destroyed your port warp engine." COMM. EINSTEIN: "D'oh!" ENSIGN PODAR (just waking up): "What the...?" DARK LADY: "Whoops! We can't have that!" (Out of the dark comes a phaser shot which hits ENSIGN PODAR in the rear. He promptly loses consciousness.) COMM. EINSTEIN: "STOP THAT!" DARK LADY: "Sorry. I didn't want him to wake up yet." COMM. EINSTEIN: "You could have given him a tranquilizer instead." DARK LADY: "Yeah, but the only tranquilizers I have are in pill form, and I didn't want to wake him up and make him take one." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Oh. So what happens now?" DARK LADY: "*Sigh* So many questions. I'm afraid I don't want to answer you." COMM. EINSTEIN: "You are SO evil!" DARK LADY: "No, I'm superior." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Hmmph." DARK LADY: "Are you hungry? I've got some nice sushi here." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Sushi? I LOVE sushi!" (DARK LADY brings COMM. EINSTEIN a plate full of sushi. She releases him from the restraints, then gives him the plate.) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Uh, aren't you going to keep a weapon pointed at me in case I try to escape?" DARK LADY: "No. I'm not worried about it." COMM. EINSTEIN: "A-ha!" (Suddenly EINSTEIN lunges for the Dark Lady. In an acrobatic maneuver, he tackles the Dark Lady, strips her of her weapon, and pins her to the ground. Since he is now getting his first good look at her, he is taken aback by her beauty.) COMM. EINSTEIN (meekly): "You shouldn't have been so over-confident." DARK LADY: "I disagree. This is EXACTLY where I wanted you." 8) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Eeek!" (COMM. EINSTEIN quickly gets up and points the phaser at the Dark Lady.) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Ok. Get up." DARK LADY: "You're scared of me? Typical male. Has to handle every little situation with his puny little phaser." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Hey! My phaser is NOT little!" DARK LADY: "Oh, yes, look at Mr. Man, always has to defend the size of his phaser. Maybe if you weren't so insecure about your masculinity, you wouldn't have to whip out your little phaser all the time." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Dang it! MY PHASER IS *NOT* LITTLE!!! Look, there's no need to argue about this. Just release the stasis field on those two over there." (Dark Lady moves to a wall panel and deactivates the stasis field.) COMM. EINSTEIN: "Now pick up the guy you shot and move him away from the table." (She does so.) DARK LADY: "What are you going to do with the other guy?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Why? You want him?" DARK LADY: "Yeah, I need to find a husband. Unless of course you're interested." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Uh...some other time perhaps. Why do you need a husband?" DARK LADY: "Well, next week is the annual Weird-Ladies-From-Space Husband Festival. We have to bring a husband in order to get credit." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Credit for what?" DARK LADY: "A free microwave!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Weird." (Suddenly ROGUE begins to stir...) ROGUE: "Ug, my head. Where the HELL are we?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "We're on the Dark Lady's ship." ROGUE: "Oh. Uh...who's the Dark Lady?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "She is." DARK LADY: "Hi." 8) ROGUE (noticing the Dark Lady for the first time): "Hello there." 8) DARK LADY: "You're kinda cute. I think I'll select you." ROGUE: "For what? A good time, perhaps? A roll in the hay? A chance to trip the light fantastic for an evening? A quickie? We aim to please." 8) DARK LADY: "No, I want a husband." ROGUE: "Whoa! Will you look at the time! I'm afraid I have a VERY important appointment...somewhere extremely far away." DARK LADY: "I hate to insist, but the only way you'll ever be able to leave this ship alive is to marry me." ROGUE: "But that's not fair!!!!" EINSTEIN and PODAR (chanting): "Marriage! Marriage! Marriage!" ROGUE: "AAAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (ROGUE takes out a small pill from his pocket and swallows it.) ROGUE: "Ah...sweet cyanide." :) COMM. EINSTEIN: "The HELL? He's trying to kill himself!" DARK LADY: "Can he DO that?" ROGUE: "Yes! In the words of Patrick Henry: 'Give me liberty, or give me death.' I cannot have liberty, so I shall have death!" ENSIGN PODAR: "Would you like fries with that?" 8) (ROGUE starts to turn blue, coughs several times, and then keels over, dead.) DARK LADY: "Geeze. Was it something I said?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "No, just a bad case of terminal overacting." ENSIGN PODAR: "So now what do we do?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Get to the engine control room. Find out what kind of juice this ship's got. I want to get to Gignac Four as soon as possible." DARK LADY: "If you want some juice, we've got orange, apple, and prune. Or you can have your choice of Sunny Delight or purple stuff." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Mmmmmm.....purple stuff." ENSIGN PODAR: "What about the CHARMIN?!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "We'll have to set the self-destruct." ENSIGN PODAR: "*sniff* But it's so new!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "You know the risks of being Starfleet officers, Ensign. Our job isn't always pretty." ENSIGN PODAR: "I know, sir. Even now I have nightmares about LT. MOZART coming to my quarters late at night wearing that lace teddy." COMM. EINSTEIN: "Huh?" ENSIGN PODAR: "How about if we just bring it into the shuttlebay? I'm sure a ship this big must have one." DARK LADY: "Actually, it does." 8) ENSIGN PODAR: "And then, we can use it later if a plot complication arises that calls for us to leave the ship in a hurry, or something!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Oh alright, make it so." ENSIGN PODAR: "Yay!" *clap-clap-clap* 8) (ENSIGN PODAR leaves to go examine the engines.) DARK LADY: "What about my husband?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "Well, he's not perfect, but the man we're going to rescue, one LT. VENKMAN, will be prefectly suitable for your matrimonial needs. He's got a little bit of money too, so at least when you get the divorce you'll be well compensated." DARK LADY: "Yay!" COMM. EINSTEIN: "There's only one problem." DARK LADY: "What's that?" COMM. EINSTEIN: "We're not quite sure if he's still alive..." DARK LADY: *Sigh* (Later, in sickbay aboard the USS VAXERPRISE) ______. _______. ______. ___======_________________________________ \ === USS VAXERPRISE = NCC 1313-A ==>== / __--__ \______________________________________/ ____________---______---___________ \_ \ \_________________________________/ ______. \_ \ _____ / : .. _/ \______/ ______. \_ \ / : _ / `--' ____\_ \______'-------===, ______. ______. /_| \_| : .::. | | \____ .: --========>== | ______. ----___ | | ______. ______. --------------' ______. ______. LT. COMM. PALLAS (Holding his newly repaired arm): "So, do you like it here on the VAXERPRISE?" (: DR. FIEVEL: "It's ok. It's better than the LAST starship I was exiled to." LT. FREEMAN: "Really? Which one?" DR. FIEVEL: "The USS FATHEAD." LT. FREEMAN: "Wow! I've heard a lot of stories about the FATHEAD." DR. FIEVEL: "Did they tell you that the Captain was a flake?" LT. FREEMAN: "" DR. FIEVEL (Looking at PALLAS): "We once spent 3 months at a McDonald's Drive-Thru! Can you believe that? 3 MONTHS! And I never DID get my Happy Meal(tm)." LT. FREEMAN: "Wow." LT. COMM. PALLAS: "Well, I hate to break this to you, but you came to the WRONG ship if you want things to be normal. I have stories about this place that would make your hair curl." DR. FIEVEL: "Oh? Like what?" :) (NURSE SELINA interrupts the conversation) NURSE SELINA: "Doctor, LT. HORST is awake now." DR. FIEVEL: "Oh good! Let's go check on him." LT. COMM. PALLAS: "Gee...ya think?" (: LT. HORST: "Howdy, Doctor! So...what did I have?" DR. FIEVEL: "Spontaneous Pneumothorax." LT. HORST: "Huh?" DR. FIEVEL: "'re a layman eh? Well, let me 'splain it to you in technical terms. You are suffering from a collapsed lung. It appears that one of the 'blebs' that line the exterior of your lung has ruptured. The subsequent release of air into the pleural sac causes the lung to collapse. Lack of adequate interior pressure, you know." :) LT. HORST: "Oh. Am I going to die?" DR. FIEVEL: "Yes." LT. HORST: "AAAAUUUGGGHH!" DR. FIEVEL: "Well not TODAY! But later on, most definitely." :) LT. HORST: :( DR. FIEVEL: "Oh...but not from THIS! This was a minor ailment." LT. HORST: "So I'm cured?! How'd you do it?" DR. FIEVEL: "Well, we removed your lung..." LT. HORST: "AAAAUUUGGGHHHH!" DR. FIEVEL: "...and replaced it with a basketball." LT. HORST: "AAAAUUUGGGHHHH!" DR. FIEVEL: "But don't worry, the bulge is barely notible." :) (HORST opens the front of his hospital tunic to expose the large bulge that takes up the entire right-side of his chest.) LT. HORST: "OH MY GOD!" LT. FREEMAN: "You know, Marc? I think I see the word Spalding(tm) under your right nipple." :) LT. HORST: "AAAAUUUUGGGHHH!" DR. FIEVEL: "Don't worry. The swelling will go down, and as soon as we get a a bionic lung from the shop for you, I'll replace it." LT. HORST: *faint* DR. FIEVEL: "Hmmm...I lose more patients that way." :) LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "BRIDGE TO CREW. REPORT TO BATTLESTATIONS! I REPEAT, REPORT TO BATTLE STATIONS! WE'RE ENTERING ROMULAN SPACE! I REPEAT, WE'RE ENTERING, I'm sorry. Belay that order, it's just Starbase 455. My mistake. Everybody just relax. Have a beer or something. BRIDGE OUT." :) LT. COMM. PALLAS: "...the HELL?" ___ ___ |___| __---__ |___| . ___\_/_____---.--.--.---_____\_/___ . \____\\_______\__:__/_______//____/ \\_ \__| |__/ _// \\_ `| |' _// . \\..=====..// . . . `/|||||||\' |_-------_| . \ / `-----'


"Will the VAXERPRISE be destroyed?"

"Will the DARK LADY marry the ever popular and lovely LT. VENKMAN?"

"...and what of Marc's love for Chad? Will they...WHOOPS! Wrong index card."

"Will Marc's Spontaneous Pneumothorax turn out to be the one
ticket to fame and fortune that he's been waiting his entire adult life for?!"


Tune in NEXT MONTH for the gut wrenching continuation of...

VAXTREK X: "Romulans On Parade!"


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