VAX...The Final Frontier.
These are the voyages of the starship Vaxerprise.
Our continuing mission: to seek out that which is silly;
To explore that which is funny;
To boldly go...where no VAX 6320 has gone...before!
TREKKER & ENTERPRISE
(Assistant writers CONDOR & EINSTEIN)
Based on the episodes:
"Encounter at Farpoint" &
"The Best Of Both Worlds"
Adaptation for MBBS:
Monty's Q-Scan Emporium
Musical Score Performed by:
Pat Metheny & Zamfir and his Magic Pan Flute
Security officer: VENKMAN
Recreation Officer: ALFALFA
. __ __ . / \ __---__ / \ . __\__/_____---_______---_____\__/__ \_________________________________/ \\_ \_______/ _// . . \\_ `---' _// . \\..-|_|-..// . . `/ .---. \' . | | o | | \ `-_-' / . `-----' "Captain's log, Stardate 40010.8. I am now Captain of the new Maple-class Starship Vaxerprise. I'm still somewhat in awe of its size and complexity. Currently we're on course to Deneb 4 to pick up several key officers still absent from the ship. As of now, we're short by 200 crew members including a first officer and Chief Medical Officer. The trip to Deneb should be uneventful thereby giving me time to get acquainted with the new flagship of the Federation." Captain Jean-Luc TREKKER touched his communicator, closing the link with the ship's log. He surveyed the bridge - which was somewhat empty without a first officer and several empty science stations. Lieutenant MISTERB was at tactical, RA at navigation and Ensign JAYDEE temporarily at ops. JAYDEE would be leaving the ship upon arrival at Deneb 4. The ship's counselor, BELGARATH, sat to the Captian's left. "Captain," said MISTERB, interrupting the captain's thoughts. "Yes, what is it, Lieutenant?" asked TREKKER. "Message from Starfleet, sir. Admiral ARCH hailing." "On screen," ordered the Captain. "Greetings, Captain TREKKER," bellowed the Admiral. "Hello, sir. To what do we owe the pleasure of this call?" "I've got new orders for you. Upon completion of your officer exchange at Deneb 4, you are to proceed immediatly to Klingon Outpost 2. They will have further orders for you there. This is top priority, Captain." "Is there anything more you can tell me, Admiral?" asked TREKKER. "Negative. All details of this mission will be relayed to you upon your arrival at Klingon Outpost 2. ARCH out." And with that, the screen returned to show a sea of stars. TREKKER turned to BELGARATH. "Interesting, eh counselor?" "I suppose. Since the Klingons have become our allies, though, I would assume it's some sort of diplomatic task. Probably something about the Romulans," BELGARATH surmised. TREKKER considered this, then addressed his navigator. "Lt. RA, what is our current speed and ETA at Deneb 4?" "We're holding at warp three. ETA with Deneb 4 in 19 hours," RA responded. "Increase to warp five." "Aye, sir." The Vaxerprise sped on towards its destination. Meanwhile, at Deneb 4, the USS Hood was in orbit transfering Vaxerprise personnel down to the planet for a brief shore leave. The station on Deneb 4 was called "Nopoint" because no one really wanted to be there, and it really served no purpose whatsoever, other than the fact it was a convenient location for ships to rendezvous and it had an Ice Cream parlor. Currently licking a peanut butter and chocolate ice cream cone was Commander CONDOR, soon to be first officer of the USS Vaxerprise. With him was soon to be Chief Medical Officer BANDIT2 and Security Chief PHANTOM. PHANTOM was currently behind the counter serving some other officers. While she could just have easily had a robot arm scoop the ice cream, she prefered to do it herself. "Builds up the arm muscles" she would say. "So," CONDOR began, "what do you two know of this Captain TREKKER?" BANDIT2 responded first. "Not too much. A friend of mine served with him several years ago, but they were in different departments. My friend said he seemed respectable." "That's not much to go on," commented CONDOR. "I know the Captain very well," inserted PHANTOM. "Oh?" asked CONDOR. "Yes, he was my commanding officer on the USS Naples. At that time, he was the Tactical Officer. He was very respected by everyone although he has a weird sense of humor. Actually, he has quite a bizarre view on things. His goal in Starfleet was never to become a Captain, but to be an ambassador to Delta 4. I guess he's changed his mind." "Delta 4?" asked BANDIT2. CONDOR considered her before responding. "You don't know about Delta 4?" he asked doubtfully. "No..." "Let's just say it's a very...relaxed society," CONDOR explained. "Whatever," responded BANDIT2. Suddenly, Ensign DREAMSINGER walked in and addressed PHANTOM: "Sir, The Vaxerprise has called and will be here in 4 hours. Apparently the Captain wants everybody to be prepared to beam up at that time." "Thank you, Ensign," replied PHANTOM. DREAMSINGER left and PHANTOM turned to CONDOR. "That's odd." "Indeed," CONDOR responded. "It seems we already have a mystery." BANDIT2 began to head out the door. "I've gotta check on my things," she said and left. PHANTOM also headed towards the door. "See you on board, Commander." "Very good, Lieutenant. Have everyone meet here in three hours." "Aye, sir." Meanwhile, back on the Vaxerprise... TREKKER stood between ops and navigation. "Ensign JAYDEE, how long until we reach the planet?" "One hour, sir, at present speed," came the reply. "Sir!" exclaimed MISTERB. "Something is coming up on us fast!" "Analysis, Mr. JAYDEE," barked the Captain. "I think it's a ship, sir. But it appears to be made of energy." The Captain looked at JAYDEE quizzically. JAYDEE continued, "there is no record of such a structure in the ship's computers." "MISTERB, open hailing frequencies," bellowed TREKKER. "Hailing frequencies opened, sir." "This is Captain Jean-Luc TREKKER of the Federation Starship Vaxerprise. Please identify yourself and state your intent." The crew waited in silence, but there was no response. "JAYDEE, estimated time for the other ship to reach us?" "Five minutes, sir." JAYDEE responded. "Red alert. Raise shields and prepare phasers," ordered the Captain. "Aye, sir," responded MISTERB. The other vessel closed on them fast. It was a huge energy-hexagon that pulsated with an eerie-green light. It surrounded the ship without pause. "Mr. MISTERB, what's our status?" asked the Captain. "The shields are intact, sir. The hostile has surrounded the ship, but is not in contact with the shields. It is matching our speed," came the reply. "Very well, Mr. RA, full stop," ordered the Captain. "Aye, sir." The ship slowed to a complete stop. Suddenly there was a brilliant flash on the bridge. After it dissipated, a black man dressed in pink leggings and wearing a blue Mu Epsilon Phi shirt stood in its place. Quickly, MISTERB assumed an attack position. "NO, MISTERB!" cautioned the Captain. "Everyone remain calm," he said, looking around the bridge. He addressed the intruder, "No one will harm you." "Of course they won't! Your small minds could not conceive a way to harm me!" bellowed the obnoxious alien. "Who are you?" asked the Captain. "We call ourselves the the Z. We have decided your race is grievously silly. You are directed to return to thine own solar system immediately." "What?" asked TREKKER, unsure if the alien was serious. "Did I stutter?" came the reply. "On what do you base this silliness charge?" asked the Captain defensively. "Shall we review your silly history?" asked the evil Z. "Uh, well, actually..." answered the Captain. "Like in 1977, your people actually laughed at Jerry Lewis. Do you DENY this?" "Not everyone laughed at Jerry Lewis, only a small portion of the population," TREKKER fired back. "But still you cannot deny that this indicates a silly race," indicted the Z creature. "You have no right to come here to persecute and judge us!" "Persecute and judge? Persecute and judge! Yes! Oh, Captain, you're a veritable fountain of ideas. The next time we meet, we shall proceed exactly as you suggest!" Z said, then vanished with a flash of light. "Sir," MISTERB began, "there is no sign of the intruder or his ship." "Very well, proceed on course to Deneb 4, warp five," TREKKER ordered. "Aye, sir," responded RA. The Vaxerprise arrived at Deneb 4 and settled into a standard orbit. Upon hearing of the Vaxerprise's arrival, the crew on the planet began to beam up. Commander CONDOR headed straight for the bridge. CONDOR entered the turbolift feeling unesay. One never knew what to expect from a new Captain. As the bridge doors opened, and CONDOR first viewed the impressive bridge of the Vaxerprise, he almost forgot about the Captain. After allowing himself to fully appreciate the size and beauty of the bridge, CONDOR strode forward to meet his Captain... "Commander CONDOR reporting in, Sir," he said. "Hello, Commander, welcome aboard. Lieutenant MISTERB will fill you in on what has happened to us in the last five hours. We had minor diversion on our way here," TREKKER said. CONDOR went up to the tactical position and introduced himself to MISTERB. MISTERB led the Commander to Science Station One and played the bridge tape of the encounter with the mysterious Z creature. Captain TREKKER headed toward the turbolift. "Mr. MISTERB, have the Commander meet me in Ten-Forward after he's finished. You have the bridge." "Aye, sir," MISTERB responded as the Captain left. CONDOR finished the tape then said to MISTERB, "this is what he calls a 'minor diversion'?" MISTERB just raised his eyebrows. On his way to Ten-Forward, TREKKER ordered others to meet him there. TREKKER met URIEL, PHANTOM, BANDIT2, EINSTEIN, VENKMAN and LAZLO in Ten-Forward. ALFALFA served each of them various drinks, then went back behind the bar. After all the necessary introductions and explanations about their strange order from Star Fleet, TREKKER reviewed the ship's encounter with the mysterious Z creature. The officers took the news with a professional calmness. "Mr. EINSTEIN, there are several officers that are transfering over to the USS Hood. Please supervise this transfer," TREKKER ordered. "Aye, sir," EINSTEIN said and began to leave. "Oh, Mr. EINSTEIN," TREKKER said before he left. "Yes?" asked EINSTEIN, turning around. "I don't want a repeat of what happened last time you supervised crew transfer," TREKKER said sardonically. "Don't worry, sir, I won't. Sheesh." "Thank you, Mr. EINSTEIN." As EINSTEIN left, TREKKER explained to the remaining officers how EINSTEIN had beamed all crew transfers to the bridge on the USS Weaver (an ELM class starship) which can only hold 12 people on the bridge before it gets crowded. When TREKKER finished with his story, CONDOR walked in. "Well, Mr. CONDOR. What do you think of our little encounter?" asked the Captain. "Interesting," came the reply. "Indeed. Mr. URIEL, what do you think?" inquired TREKKER. "Since there appears to be no way to combat the alien, I suggest we simply proceed with our mission. We can't control the situation so why worry about it?" URIEL responded. "I agree," stated the Captain. "Stay sharp everyone. I want no surprises." "But, Captain," interjected ALFALFA from behind the bar, "if there aren't any surprises, where's the FUN?" "A Jedi does not crave adventure and excitement," reminded URIEL. "Huh?" asked ALFALFA. "Sorry, I was referring to an Old Earth Story," explained URIEL. "Alright, everyone," interrupted TREKKER, "let's get back to work." Everyone left Ten-Forward except for ALFALFA & VENKMAN. ALFALFA continued to serve drinks and VENKMAN continued to comsume them. BANDIT2 went to Sickbay and everyone else went to the Bridge. On the bridge the crew took their respective positions. The Captain sat in his command chair admiring the stars and pleased at his subordinates. TREKKER addressed URIEL at ops. "What's our ETA at the Klingon base?" "30 minutes, sir," URIEL responded. Suddenly there was a bright flash. The crew found themselves in a small courtroom. There was a man with a microphone at the back, a white-haired man who wore a badge stood to the side, and behind the Judge's bench stood Z. The inscription on the bench plaque said, _Judge Z Wapner_. The man with the microphone spoke: "Hi everyone, I'm SCRIB Lywellan here with the People's Court. This is the case of the Silly Starship. The Plaintiff (and Judge) contends that the human race is silly and must go back to it's own solar system. The Defendant, Captain Jean-Luc TREKKER and his bridge crew maintain that while some of there race is silly, they should still be allowed to go wherever they want. Let's see what Judge Wapner decides." The Z creature sat down and spoke. "I know you've been sworn in and I have read my own complaint. Mr. TREKKER, do you really expect this court to believe that your race is NOT silly?" "Yes," TREKKER responded. "Infidel!" shouted the Z creature. "Rusty, shoot one of his men!" As the weird man began to raise his gun, TREKKER interrupted. "Stop! What kind of court is this? If you were to earn that Judge's position you would grant a FAIR trial!" TREKKER said, indicting Z. "But I HAVEN'T earned this title! I merely appropriated it. However, this is a merciful court. Never mind, Rusty," intoned Z. "Stop!" interrupted PHANTOM suddenly. "Lieutenant!" cautioned TREKKER. "Sir, I must! Because I grew up in a place that wasn't silly that had courts like this. This court should get down on it's knees before the silliness of mankind!" she declered. Suddenly the Z creature snapped it's fingers. PHANTOM became petrified with a look of horror. "What are you doing to her?!?" demanded TREKKER. "Punishing her for contempt. I'm making her watch ALL EIGHT HOURS of Andy Warhol's 'Sleep'," Z responded. "Your honor," began TREKKER, with a bit of humility, "please allow us the dignity of proceeding in our own way. If justice is to be served, shouldn't we have the right to express our viewpoints?" "No," replied Z, "but I'll let you anyway." He snapped his fingers and released PHANTOM from the trance. CONDOR and URIEL gently sat her down. "Shouldn't you judge us by our actions, rather than words?" asked TREKKER. "Indeed yes!" Z decided. "This Klingon outpost you're headed to will be a perfect place to judge you! Until next time, mon Capitan...." And with that Z disappeared and the crew found themselves back on the VAXERPRISE. "Report Mr. URIEL," commanded TREKKER. "We're on course for the Klingon base, ETA 30 minutes," URIEL responded. "Very well, I'll be in my ready room. Number one, you have the bridge," TREKKER said. "Aye, sir." CONDOR replied. As TREKKER left the bridge, CONDOR turned to PHANTOM. "Lieutenant, the Captain's life may be in jeopardy, I'm assigning you to be personally responsible for his safety," CONDOR said. "Aye, sir," PHANTOM acknowledged. As the VAXERPRISE approached the Klingon base, they received a signal. "Sir," MISTERB began, "I'm receiving a priority message from the base, Captain's eyes only." "Very well," CONDOR replied. He touched his communicator. "CONDOR to TREKKER." "Go ahead, Commander." "Receiving a message, sir, Captain's eyes only." "Pipe it through," TREKKER ordered. "Aye, sir." "This is Emperor WALRUS," came a voice over the speakers. "Captain TREKKER here. How are you, old friend?" "Very well, thank you." "Is something wrong?" asked TREKKER. "Yes, there is no longer a need for you to come here, but several of the planets bordering the Klingon-Federation border have sent distress signals lately. They said something about a giant crockpot attacking them. Do you know anything about this?" "I'm sorry, Emperor, I don't. However, we shall investigate immediately." "Thank you, Captain. I'd hate to think this was some Federation attack." "Emporer, I can assure you, it's nothing of the kind." "Very well, good luck." After the transmission ended, the Captain called the bridge... "Mr. RA, plot a course for sector K122," ordered the Captain. "Aye, sir..."
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "Engineering to Captain. Uh, sir..." CAPT. TREKKER: "WHAT is it now?" LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "There's a little problem with the engines sir." CAPT. TREKKER: "Could you be more specific?!" LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "Uh...the engines...uh..." CAPT. TREKKER: "SPIT IT OUT MAN!" LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "Ok...uh...they're on fire." CAPT. TREKKER: "WHAT?" LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "Look out the window." (Captain Trekker gazes out the rear windows of the conference room, only to see the Vaxerprise's engines engulfged in firey flames.) \ | / _________ \ / \ | / . ___--- o ---___ \ / \ | / _- -_ _ ******\/*_____________***^*&%^$*__ _/ \_ / || %*&^$***^#(*(*^(*#&^#(* \ / \ \_||_____****_________***______ __/ / \ | | / | \ ===== / \ | | / | \ | ______ |\-----____| | / | \ | ,- __ --_ || `-'--, . | |:(__) _)=========||> O |) | `-______-- || ____,-,--' . | |/----- | | \ / | | \ | / \ / _ ____*****_______***________=====___ \_ _/ / || &*^$*^%#$(&^%#*^&%#&^%#*&^%$*&^ \ \_ _/ \_||_(*&%*(&^$******^$(&^$(&^$(&^$ __ / . -___ ___- / | \ ===== ---____o____--- / | \ . / | \ . CAPT. TREKKER: "EEEK! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!" LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "Uh...it was Ensign Greene...*gulp*...sir." CAPT. TREKKER: "Ensign Soylent Greene?" LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "Uh...yes sir. As a part of an experiment we were doing, we secretly replaced the dilithium crystals with bottles of Elmer's Glue." CAPT. TREKKER: "WHAT?!" LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "Uh...yeah. The bottles clogged the intercooler, and the engines burst into flames." SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING...WARP FIELD NACELLES ARE ON FIRE. FATAL EXPOSURE IN 30 MINUTES." LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "What are we going to do?" CAPT. TREKKER: "First thing we have to do is evacuate the Bingo Parlor! It's directly beneath the nacelles. Hundreds of elderly could be asphixiated! Or WORSE!" (Suddenly, The chief medical officer, contacts Capt. TREKKER from SickBay.) DOCTOR BANDIT2: "Captain! This is Bandit2! It's a MAD HOUSE down here! What's going on up there?!" CAPT. TREKKER: "Uh...the engines are on fire." DOCTOR BANDIT2: "WHAT?!! How'd that happen?!" CAPT. TREKKER: "You don't want to know. Just try to keep everyone calm. We may have to separate the saucer section, and flee for our lives." LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "Uh...sir. The left nacelle just fell off." CAPT. TREKKER: "OH MY GOD!! WE HAVE TO GET TO THE BRIDGE! GET UP HERE!" (Meanwhile, as TREKKER enters the bridge...) COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "I smell smoke." CAPT. TREKKER: "MISTERB, What's our status?!" LT. MISTERB: "Why are you asking me? I'm just the tactical officer." SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING...THE WARP NACELLES ARE ON FIRE. FATAL EXPOSURE IN 20 MINUTES." COMM. CONDOR: "Captain, may I suggest..." CAPT. TREKKER: "SUGGEST WHAT? THAT I RESIGN? IT'S NOT MY FAULT THE ENGINES ARE IN FLAMES! I suppose you'll all court-martial me, just be- cause we lost the port nacelle...eh?" COMM. CONDOR: "No...I was going to suggest we separate the saucer section, and flee for our very lives." (LT. COMM. SIROTTO enters.) CAPT. TREKKER: "I will NOT retreat! Do you hear me?! NOT!!!" *FWOOSH* Z: "Hi! Need any help?" CAPT. TREKKER: "Mmm...Eat my butt." Z: "Fine...suit yourself." 8) *FWOOSH* LT. RA: "Sir. Why don't we just dump halon on the engines?" CAPT. TREKKER: "HALON? Wow! Why didn't I think of that before? Make it so." LT. COMM SIROTTO: "Uh...sir. The Starboard nacelle has just fallen off." CAPT. TREKKER: "Uh, nevermind, MISTER RA." SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING...THE WARP NACELLES HAVE FALLEN OFF. FATAL EXPOSURE IN 10 MINUTES." . . . __--__ . . . ___________---______---___________ \________________________________/ . \______/ \__ .. : \ \***/ `--' \_ : \ /***\ . __-`------`_______| |______ . \ |||_ .::. : |_| |_\ -)=|__ =<=======-- :. ____/ : / ||| ____---- . -------------- . Will the VAXERPRISE be destroyed? Will CAPT. TREKKER be demoted? Will ENSIGN PODAR ever get that promotion he so desperately deserves?
TUNE IN TOMORROW...when we will answer these, and other STARTLING questions:
On...BOARD #11: "Boldly going forward, 'Cause we can't find reverse!"
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