Vaxtrek I - Part I


VAX...The Final Frontier.

These are the voyages of the starship Vaxerprise.

Our continuing mission: to seek out that which is silly;

To explore that which is funny;

To boldly go...where no VAX 6320 has gone...before!


"Encounter at Nopoint"


"The Best of Both Smorgasborks"

Written by:

(Assistant writers CONDOR & EINSTEIN)

Based on the episodes:
"Encounter at Farpoint" &
"The Best Of Both Worlds"

Adaptation for MBBS:
Monty's Q-Scan Emporium

Musical Score Performed by:
Pat Metheny & Zamfir and his Magic Pan Flute

Cast of Characters

Captain.........................................Captain Jean-luc TREKKER
First Officer...................................Commander CONDOR
Second officer (Ops)............................Lt. Commander URIEL
Tactical Officer................................Lt. MISTERB
Chief of Security...............................Lt. PHANTOM
Transporter Chief...............................Lt. EINSTEIN
Navigator.......................................Lt. RA
Chief Engineer..................................Lt. Commander SIROTTO
Chief Medical Officer...........................Lt. Commander BANDIT2
Counselor.......................................Lt. Commander BELGARATH

Other Officers:

Security officer: VENKMAN
Engineer: LAZLO
Recreation Officer: ALFALFA

Produced by:
Madame Fong

Directed by:

"Encounter at Nopoint"


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          .                   \\_   `---'   _//       .
.                .               `/ .---. \'                 .
                                 | |  o  | |
                                  \ `-_-' /            .

     "Captain's log, Stardate 40010.8.  I am now Captain of the new
Maple-class Starship Vaxerprise.  I'm still somewhat in awe of its size
and complexity.  Currently we're on course to Deneb 4 to pick up several
key officers still absent from the ship.  As of now, we're short by 200
crew members including a first officer and Chief Medical Officer.  The
trip to Deneb should be uneventful thereby giving me time to get 
acquainted with the new flagship of the Federation."
     Captain Jean-Luc TREKKER touched his communicator, closing the link with 
the ship's log.  He surveyed the bridge - which was somewhat empty without a 
first officer and several empty science stations.  Lieutenant MISTERB
was at tactical, RA at navigation and Ensign JAYDEE temporarily at ops.
JAYDEE would be leaving the ship upon arrival at Deneb 4.  The ship's
counselor, BELGARATH, sat to the Captian's left.
     "Captain," said MISTERB, interrupting the captain's thoughts.
     "Yes, what is it, Lieutenant?" asked TREKKER.
     "Message from Starfleet, sir.  Admiral ARCH hailing."
     "On screen," ordered the Captain.
     "Greetings, Captain TREKKER," bellowed the Admiral.
     "Hello, sir.  To what do we owe the pleasure of this call?"
     "I've got new orders for you.  Upon completion of your officer exchange
at Deneb 4, you are to proceed immediatly to Klingon Outpost 2.  They will
have further orders for you there.  This is top priority, Captain."
     "Is there anything more you can tell me, Admiral?" asked TREKKER.
     "Negative.  All details of this mission will be relayed to you upon
your arrival at Klingon Outpost 2.  ARCH out."  And with that, the screen
returned to show a sea of stars.
     TREKKER turned to BELGARATH.  "Interesting, eh counselor?"
     "I suppose.  Since the Klingons have become our allies, though, I would
assume it's some sort of diplomatic task.  Probably something about the
Romulans," BELGARATH surmised.
     TREKKER considered this, then addressed his navigator.  "Lt. RA, what is
our current speed and ETA at Deneb 4?"
     "We're holding at warp three.  ETA with Deneb 4 in 19 hours," RA responded.
     "Increase to warp five."
     "Aye, sir."
     The Vaxerprise sped on towards its destination.

     Meanwhile, at Deneb 4, the USS Hood was in orbit transfering Vaxerprise
personnel down to the planet for a brief shore leave.  The station on Deneb 4
was called "Nopoint" because no one really wanted to be there, and it really
served no purpose whatsoever, other than the fact it was a convenient location
for ships to rendezvous and it had an Ice Cream parlor.
     Currently licking a peanut butter and chocolate ice cream cone was
Commander CONDOR, soon to be first officer of the USS Vaxerprise.  With
him was soon to be Chief Medical Officer BANDIT2 and Security Chief
     PHANTOM was currently behind the counter serving some other officers.
While she could just have easily had a robot arm scoop the ice cream, she
prefered to do it herself.  "Builds up the arm muscles" she would say.
     "So," CONDOR began, "what do you two know of this Captain TREKKER?"
     BANDIT2 responded first.  "Not too much.  A friend of mine served with
him several years ago, but they were in different departments.  My friend
said he seemed respectable."
     "That's not much to go on," commented CONDOR.
     "I know the Captain very well," inserted PHANTOM.
     "Oh?" asked CONDOR.
     "Yes, he was my commanding officer on the USS Naples.  At that time, 
he was the Tactical Officer.  He was very respected by everyone although he
has a weird sense of humor.  Actually, he has quite a bizarre view on things.
His goal in Starfleet was never to become a Captain, but to be an ambassador
to Delta 4.  I guess he's changed his mind."
     "Delta 4?" asked BANDIT2.
     CONDOR considered her before responding.  "You don't know about Delta
4?" he asked doubtfully.
     "Let's just say it's a very...relaxed society," CONDOR explained.
     "Whatever," responded BANDIT2. 
     Suddenly, Ensign DREAMSINGER walked in and addressed PHANTOM: "Sir, 
The Vaxerprise has called and will be here in 4 hours.  Apparently the
Captain wants everybody to be prepared to beam up at that time."
     "Thank you, Ensign," replied PHANTOM.  DREAMSINGER left and PHANTOM
turned to CONDOR.  "That's odd."
     "Indeed," CONDOR responded.  "It seems we already have a mystery."
     BANDIT2 began to head out the door.  "I've gotta check on my things,"
she said and left.
     PHANTOM also headed towards the door.  "See you on board, Commander."
     "Very good, Lieutenant.  Have everyone meet here in three hours."
     "Aye, sir."

     Meanwhile, back on the Vaxerprise...

     TREKKER stood between ops and navigation.  "Ensign JAYDEE, how long until
we reach the planet?"
     "One hour, sir, at present speed," came the reply.
     "Sir!" exclaimed MISTERB.  "Something is coming up on us fast!"
     "Analysis, Mr. JAYDEE," barked the Captain.
     "I think it's a ship, sir.  But it appears to be made of energy."
     The Captain looked at JAYDEE quizzically. 
     JAYDEE continued, "there is no record of such a structure in the
ship's computers."
     "MISTERB, open hailing frequencies," bellowed TREKKER.
     "Hailing frequencies opened, sir."
     "This is Captain Jean-Luc TREKKER of the Federation Starship Vaxerprise.
Please identify yourself and state your intent."
     The crew waited in silence, but there was no response.
     "JAYDEE, estimated time for the other ship to reach us?"
     "Five minutes, sir." JAYDEE responded.
     "Red alert.  Raise shields and prepare phasers," ordered the Captain.
     "Aye, sir," responded MISTERB.
     The other vessel closed on them fast.  It was a huge energy-hexagon
that pulsated with an eerie-green light.  It surrounded the ship without
     "Mr. MISTERB, what's our status?" asked the Captain.
     "The shields are intact, sir.  The hostile has surrounded the ship, but
is not in contact with the shields.  It is matching our speed," came the
     "Very well, Mr. RA, full stop," ordered the Captain.
     "Aye, sir."
     The ship slowed to a complete stop.  Suddenly there was a brilliant flash
on the bridge.  After it dissipated, a black man dressed in pink leggings and
wearing a blue Mu Epsilon Phi shirt stood in its place.
     Quickly, MISTERB assumed an attack position.
     "NO, MISTERB!" cautioned the Captain.  "Everyone remain calm," he said,
looking around the bridge.  He addressed the intruder, "No one will harm you."
     "Of course they won't!  Your small minds could not conceive a way to
harm me!" bellowed the obnoxious alien.
     "Who are you?" asked the Captain. 
     "We call ourselves the the Z.  We have decided your race is grievously
silly.  You are directed to return to thine own solar system immediately."
     "What?" asked TREKKER, unsure if the alien was serious.
     "Did I stutter?" came the reply.
     "On what do you base this silliness charge?" asked the Captain
     "Shall we review your silly history?" asked the evil Z.
     "Uh, well, actually..." answered the Captain.
     "Like in 1977, your people actually laughed at Jerry Lewis.  Do you
DENY this?"
     "Not everyone laughed at Jerry Lewis, only a small portion of the
population," TREKKER fired back.
     "But still you cannot deny that this indicates a silly race," indicted
the Z creature.
     "You have no right to come here to persecute and judge us!"
     "Persecute and judge?  Persecute and judge!  Yes!  Oh, Captain, you're
a veritable fountain of ideas.  The next time we meet, we shall proceed
exactly as you suggest!" Z said, then vanished with a flash of light.
     "Sir," MISTERB began, "there is no sign of the intruder or his ship."
     "Very well, proceed on course to Deneb 4, warp five," TREKKER ordered.
     "Aye, sir," responded RA.
     The Vaxerprise arrived at Deneb 4 and settled into a standard orbit.
Upon hearing of the Vaxerprise's arrival, the crew on the planet began to 
beam up.  Commander CONDOR headed straight for the bridge.
     CONDOR entered the turbolift feeling unesay.  One never knew what to
expect from a new Captain.  As the bridge doors opened, and CONDOR first viewed
the impressive bridge of the Vaxerprise, he almost forgot about the Captain.
     After allowing himself to fully appreciate the size and beauty of the
bridge, CONDOR strode forward to meet his Captain...
     "Commander CONDOR reporting in, Sir," he said. 
     "Hello, Commander, welcome aboard.  Lieutenant MISTERB will fill you in 
on what has happened to us in the last five hours.  We had minor diversion on
our way here," TREKKER said.
     CONDOR went up to the tactical position and introduced himself to MISTERB.
MISTERB led the Commander to Science Station One and played the bridge tape of
the encounter with the mysterious Z creature.
     Captain TREKKER headed toward the turbolift.  "Mr. MISTERB, have the
Commander meet me in Ten-Forward after he's finished.  You have the bridge."
     "Aye, sir," MISTERB responded as the Captain left.
     CONDOR finished the tape then said to MISTERB, "this is what he calls
a 'minor diversion'?"
     MISTERB just raised his eyebrows.
     On his way to Ten-Forward, TREKKER ordered others to meet him there.    
Ten-Forward.  ALFALFA served each of them various drinks, then went back behind
the bar. 
     After all the necessary introductions and explanations about their strange
order from Star Fleet, TREKKER reviewed the ship's encounter with the
mysterious Z creature.  The officers took the news with a professional
     "Mr. EINSTEIN, there are several officers that are transfering over to
the USS Hood.  Please supervise this transfer," TREKKER ordered.
     "Aye, sir," EINSTEIN said and began to leave.
     "Oh, Mr. EINSTEIN," TREKKER said before he left.
     "Yes?" asked EINSTEIN, turning around.
     "I don't want a repeat of what happened last time you supervised crew
transfer," TREKKER said sardonically.
     "Don't worry, sir, I won't.  Sheesh."
     "Thank you, Mr. EINSTEIN."
     As EINSTEIN left, TREKKER explained to the remaining officers how EINSTEIN
had beamed all crew transfers to the bridge on the USS Weaver (an ELM class
starship) which can only hold 12 people on the bridge before it gets crowded.
     When TREKKER finished with his story, CONDOR walked in.
     "Well, Mr. CONDOR.  What do you think of our little encounter?" asked
the Captain.
     "Interesting," came the reply.
     "Indeed.  Mr. URIEL, what do you think?" inquired TREKKER.
     "Since there appears to be no way to combat the alien, I suggest we simply
proceed with our mission.  We can't control the situation so why worry about
it?" URIEL responded.
     "I agree," stated the Captain.  "Stay sharp everyone.  I want no
     "But, Captain," interjected ALFALFA from behind the bar, "if there aren't
any surprises, where's the FUN?"
     "A Jedi does not crave adventure and excitement," reminded URIEL.
     "Huh?" asked ALFALFA.
     "Sorry, I was referring to an Old Earth Story," explained URIEL.
     "Alright, everyone," interrupted TREKKER, "let's get back to work."
     Everyone left Ten-Forward except for ALFALFA & VENKMAN.  ALFALFA
continued to serve drinks and VENKMAN continued to comsume them.
     BANDIT2 went to Sickbay and everyone else went to the Bridge.

     On the bridge the crew took their respective positions.  The Captain sat
in his command chair admiring the stars and pleased at his subordinates.
     TREKKER addressed URIEL at ops.  "What's our ETA at the Klingon base?"
     "30 minutes, sir," URIEL responded.
     Suddenly there was a bright flash.  The crew found themselves in a small
courtroom.  There was a man with a microphone at the back, a white-haired man
who wore a badge stood to the side, and behind the Judge's bench stood Z.  The
inscription on the bench plaque said, _Judge Z Wapner_.  The man with the
microphone spoke: "Hi everyone, I'm SCRIB Lywellan here with the People's
Court.  This is the case of the Silly Starship.  The Plaintiff (and Judge)
contends that the human race is silly and must go back to it's own solar
system.  The Defendant, Captain Jean-Luc TREKKER and his bridge crew maintain
that while some of there race is silly, they should still be allowed to go
wherever they want.  Let's see what Judge Wapner decides."
      The Z creature sat down and spoke.  "I know you've been sworn in and I
have read my own complaint.  Mr. TREKKER, do you really expect this court to
believe that your race is NOT silly?"
      "Yes," TREKKER responded.
      "Infidel!" shouted the Z creature.  "Rusty, shoot one of his men!"
      As the weird man began to raise his gun, TREKKER interrupted.  "Stop!
What kind of court is this?  If you were to earn that Judge's position you would
grant a FAIR trial!" TREKKER said, indicting Z.
     "But I HAVEN'T earned this title!  I merely appropriated it.  However,
this is a merciful court.  Never mind, Rusty," intoned Z.
     "Stop!" interrupted PHANTOM suddenly.
     "Lieutenant!" cautioned TREKKER.
     "Sir, I must!  Because I grew up in a place that wasn't silly that had
courts like this.  This court should get down on it's knees before the 
silliness of mankind!" she declered.
     Suddenly the Z creature snapped it's fingers.  PHANTOM became
petrified with a look of horror.
     "What are you doing to her?!?" demanded TREKKER.
     "Punishing her for contempt.  I'm making her watch ALL EIGHT HOURS
of Andy Warhol's 'Sleep'," Z responded.
     "Your honor," began TREKKER, with a bit of humility, "please allow us
the dignity of proceeding in our own way.  If justice is to be served,
shouldn't we have the right to express our viewpoints?"
     "No," replied Z, "but I'll let you anyway."  He snapped his fingers and
released PHANTOM from the trance.  CONDOR and URIEL gently sat her down.
     "Shouldn't you judge us by our actions, rather than words?" asked TREKKER.
     "Indeed yes!" Z decided.  "This Klingon outpost you're headed to will be
a perfect place to judge you!  Until next time, mon Capitan...."
     And with that Z disappeared and the crew found themselves back on the
     "Report Mr. URIEL," commanded TREKKER.
     "We're on course for the Klingon base, ETA 30 minutes," URIEL responded.
     "Very well, I'll be in my ready room.  Number one, you have the bridge,"
     "Aye, sir." CONDOR replied.
     As TREKKER left the bridge, CONDOR turned to PHANTOM.
     "Lieutenant, the Captain's life may be in jeopardy, I'm assigning you to
be personally responsible for his safety," CONDOR said.
     "Aye, sir," PHANTOM acknowledged.
     As the VAXERPRISE approached the Klingon base, they received a signal.
     "Sir," MISTERB began, "I'm receiving a priority message from the base,
Captain's eyes only."
     "Very well," CONDOR replied.  He touched his communicator.  "CONDOR to
     "Go ahead, Commander."
     "Receiving a message, sir, Captain's eyes only."
     "Pipe it through," TREKKER ordered.
     "Aye, sir."
     "This is Emperor WALRUS," came a voice over the speakers.
     "Captain TREKKER here.  How are you, old friend?"
     "Very well, thank you."
     "Is something wrong?" asked TREKKER.
     "Yes, there is no longer a need for you to come here, but several of the
planets bordering the Klingon-Federation border have sent distress signals
lately.  They said something about a giant crockpot attacking them.  Do
you know anything about this?"
     "I'm sorry, Emperor, I don't.  However, we shall investigate immediately."
     "Thank you, Captain.  I'd hate to think this was some Federation attack."
     "Emporer, I can assure you, it's nothing of the kind."
     "Very well, good luck."
     After the transmission ended, the Captain called the bridge...

     "Mr. RA, plot a course for sector K122," ordered the Captain.
     "Aye, sir..."


"The Best of Both SmorgasBORKs"

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Engineering to Captain.  Uh, sir..."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "WHAT is it now?"

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "There's a little problem with the engines sir."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Could you be more specific?!"

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Uh...the engines...uh..."


LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Ok...uh...they're on fire."


LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Look out the window."

(Captain Trekker gazes out the rear windows of the conference room, only to see
             the Vaxerprise's engines engulfged in firey flames.)

                                                           \   |   /
             _________                      \    /          \  |  /
 .     ___---    o    ---___                 \  /            \ | /
     _-                     -_       _  ******\/*_____________***^*&%^$*__ 
   _/                         \_    / || %*&^$***^#(*&#(*&#^(*#&^#(*      \ 
  /                             \   \_||_____****_________***______     __/ 
 /                               \           | |         / | \     ===== 
/                                 \          | |        /  |  \
|              ______             |\-----____| |       /   |   \
|            ,- __   --_          ||         `-'--,       .
|            |:(__)    _)=========||>           O |) 
|            `-______--           ||     ____,-,--'                          .
|                                 |/-----    | | 
\                                 /          | |       \ | /
 \                               /   _  ____*****_______***________=====___  
  \_                           _/   / || &*^$*^%#$(&^%#*^&%#&^%#*&^%$*&^   \ 
    \_                       _/     \_||_(*&%*(&^$******^$(&^$(&^$(&^$  __ / 
  .   -___               ___-                     / | \            =====     
          ---____o____---                        /  |  \
                                      .         /   |   \



LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  " was Ensign Greene...*gulp*...sir."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Ensign Soylent Greene?"

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Uh...yes sir.  As a part of an experiment we were doing, we
                     secretly replaced the dilithium crystals with bottles of 
                     Elmer's Glue."


LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Uh...yeah.  The bottles clogged the intercooler, and 
                     the engines burst into flames."

                   IN 30 MINUTES."

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "What are we going to do?"
CAPT. TREKKER:  "First thing we have to do is evacuate the Bingo Parlor!
                 It's directly beneath the nacelles.  Hundreds of elderly
                 could be asphixiated!  Or WORSE!"

 (Suddenly, The chief medical officer, contacts Capt. TREKKER from SickBay.)

DOCTOR BANDIT2:  "Captain!  This is Bandit2!  It's a MAD HOUSE down here!
                  What's going on up there?!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Uh...the engines are on fire."

DOCTOR BANDIT2:  "WHAT?!!  How'd that happen?!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "You don't want to know.  Just try to keep everyone calm.  We 
                 may have to separate the saucer section, and flee for
                 our lives."

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Uh...sir.  The left nacelle just fell off."

                 (Meanwhile, as TREKKER enters the bridge...)

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I smell smoke."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "MISTERB,  What's our status?!"

LT. MISTERB:  "Why are you asking me?  I'm just the tactical officer."

                   EXPOSURE IN 20 MINUTES."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Captain, may I suggest..."

                 ARE IN FLAMES!  I suppose you'll all court-martial me, just be-
                 cause we lost the port"

COMM. CONDOR:  "No...I was going to suggest we separate the saucer section,
                and flee for our very lives."
                         (LT. COMM. SIROTTO enters.)
CAPT. TREKKER:  "I will NOT retreat!  Do you hear me?!  NOT!!!"


Z:  "Hi!  Need any help?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Mmm...Eat my butt."

Z:  "Fine...suit yourself."  8)   


LT. RA:  "Sir.  Why don't we just dump halon on the engines?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "HALON?  Wow!  Why didn't I think of that before?  Make it so."

LT. COMM SIROTTO:  "Uh...sir.  The Starboard nacelle has just fallen off."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Uh, nevermind, MISTER RA."

                   EXPOSURE IN 10 MINUTES."

 .                     .                      .                              
              __--__                         .       .                .      
\________________________________/                    . 
             \______/  \__ .. :  \        \***/  
               `--'       \_   :  \       /***\                      . 
                         __-`------`_______| |______
.                     \ |||_     .::. :    |_|    |_\
                      -)=|__ =<=======--     :. ____/ 
         :            / |||             ____----          . 
                          --------------                .  

                      Will the VAXERPRISE be destroyed?

                        Will CAPT. TREKKER be demoted?

    Will ENSIGN PODAR ever get that promotion he so desperately deserves?


TUNE IN TOMORROW...when we will answer these, and other STARTLING questions:

On...BOARD #11: "Boldly going forward, 'Cause we can't find reverse!"


[Main Menu] [Part I] [Part II] [Part III] [Conclusion]