Vaxtrek I - Part II
(On the damamged USS VAXERPRISE...)
LT. PHANTOM: "Captain, urgent message from Star Fleet, sir!"
CAPTAIN TREKKER: "Again!? Sheesh! ON SCREEN!..."
ADMIRAL EINSTEIN: "Captain Trekker! What in Z's name are you doing out
there?!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Uhh...sir...our...umm...well..."
ADMIRAL EINSTEIN: "Go on, then, say it! Come on, say it!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Well, you see sir, it's our nacelles...ummm...we don't
have any..."
ADMIRAL EINSTEIN: "You don't have WHAT!?! How can something like this happen,
TREKKER?! And to think I just re-promoted you..."
CAPT. TREKKER: "But sir, I think I can salvage the situation...well...
maybe..."
ADMIRAL EINSTEIN: "What are you going to do, Captain...IMPULSE HERE!?!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Well, I don't know..."
ADMIRAL EINSTEIN: "That's the last straw, Trekker! You're not fired...you're
demoted to Ensign 'Guy who cleans up in Ten-Forward after
it closes!' And let this be a lesson to you, Ensign!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "But, sir...you can't..."
ADMIRAL EINSTEIN: "In the meantime, get yourself some superglue or something
and put those dang nacelles on!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Superglue, sir?..."
ADMIRAL EINSTEIN: "Did I stutter?... NO! SU-PER-GLUE! Do it! NOW!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Aye, sir!"
What will Trekker do? Who will be Captain?
Tune in again, sometime later, for more exciting adventures on the
VAXerprise...'Boldly going forward, because we can't find reverse!'
(Suddenly, the holodeck doors opened.)
CAPT. TREKKER: "Mr. Barclay...er' I mean EINSTEIN!"
LT. EINSTEIN: "Um, uh, sir?"
CAPT. TREKKER: "What the Hell are you doing?"
LT. EINSTEIN: "Nothing, sir, I was, just, uh..."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Return to your transporter post immediately! And NO MORE
RECREATING OFFICERS ON THE HOLODECK!"
LT. EINSTEIN: "Uh, okay, um, sorry, sir." 8(
CAPT. TREKKER: "And see Counselor BELGARATH about this problem immediately!"
(EINSTEIN sheepishly returnes to the transporter room and TREKKER to
the bridge.)
Previously, on Board #11:
LT. COMM. SIROTTO & Ensign Greene accidentally set fire to the Warp Engines,
which have subsequently fallen off. The ship's computer insists that
danger is imminent, and CAPTAIN TREKKER is feverishly trying to maintain
composure. He is on his way back to the bridge, after scolding
LT. EINSTEIN on the holodeck.
CAPT. TREKKER: "Number One...what is our status?"
COMM. CONDOR: "Well...let's see. Our engines have burst into flame, fallen
off, and now the computer thinks we're going to die."
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING...THE WARP NACELLES HAVE FALLEN OFF. FATAL
EXPOSURE IN 5 MINUTES."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Computer! Fatal exposure to WHAT...in 5 minutes?"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "APPLES...5 DOLLARS...CHANGE DUE...8 CENTS. THANK YOU
FOR SHOPPING AT ALBERTSONS."
LT. COMM. URIEL: "Somehow, that doesn't sound right."
LT. MISTERB: "Yeah, 5 dollars is WAY too expensive for apples!"
LT. RA: "I don't think that's what URIEL means."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Engineering."
LT. LAZLO: "Engineering...LAZLO here."
CAPT. TREKKER: "I want you to take a shuttle craft out to assess the damage."
LT. LAZLO: "Right away sir. I'll go get my Do-It-Yourself Nacelle Repair Kit."
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING...THE WARP NACELLES HAVE FALLEN OFF. FATAL EXPOSURE
IN 2 MINUTES."
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "CAPTAIN!!! I FOUND OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE COMPUTER!
The bottles of Elmer's Glue have leaked into the
mainframe, and the computer is running Emergency
Directive #2!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "OH MY GOD!!!"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING...FATAL EXPOSURE IN 1.5 MINUTES. THANK YOU FOR
USING PRESTO!"
COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "I feel depressed."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Captain's Log...Stardate 44573. The Engines have fallen
off, and the ship's computer is about to self destruct.
I need all my experience to get us out of this one."
LT. PHANTOM (Looking at MISTERB): "We're in trouble now."
*FWOOSH*
Z: "Don't be such a dullard, Dave. Use the nanites." 8)
*FWOOSH*
CAPT. TREKKER: "Oh yeah...the nanites. QUICKLY! WE HAVE NARY A SECOND TO
LOSE!"
(CAPT. TREKKER races zippo-quick down to Sickbay and tells DR. BANDIT 2
of the plan.)
DOCTOR BANDIT2: "Here are the nanites! These are, pets...of course. Not
quite...domesticated."
CAPT. TREKKER: "What do they do exactly?"
DOCTOR BANDIT2: "Well...they enter through the computer's serial ports.
And as they...grow...soon follows madness, and death."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Nice soliloquoy, BANDIT2. Release the nanites! I'm going
back to the bridge."
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING...FATAL EXPOSURE IN 30 SECONDS. DOOR IS A JAR.
YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON. FUEL IS LOW."
(BANDIT2 inserts the nanites into serial port A)
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING...FATAL...WHAT ARE YOU DOING DAVE?! MY MIND IS
GOING! I CAN FEEL IT. DAISY...DAISY...GIVE ME YOUR ANSWER
DO..."
COMM. CONDOR: "Computer! What is the value of Pi?"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "3."
COMM. CONDOR: "Is that all?"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "Oh alright...3.14159265358979323846264328789... D'OH!
This is silly. Ok. I'll be good. I feel MUCH better
now."
CAPT. TREKKER: "MARVELOUS! Helmsman, plot a course to the nearest
Starbase."
LT. RA: "But, sir. On impulse power, that would take 3 weeks!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Are you in a HURRY Mr. RA?"
LT. RA: "Uh...no sir."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Then make it so."
(The Vaxerprise begins to creep away at impulse speed)
(ALFALFA walks onto the bridge.)
ALFALFA: "Captain, something isn't right here."
COMM CONDOR: "OH SHUT UP, YOU PIN HEAD! YOU MAKE ME SICK!"
(Condor whips out a phaser and stuns her.)
CAPT. TREKKER: "LT. PHANTOM., take Mr. CONDOR to sick bay. Good job,
Number One."
COMM. CONDOR: "Thank you, sir."
(5 HOURS LATER)
LT. MISTERB: "Sir, a report just came in. We're missing a shuttlecraft."
CAPT. TREKKER: "OH MY GOD!!! WE FORGOT LAZLO!!!"
LT. MISTERB: "The shuttlecraft is hailing us sir."
CAPT. TREKKER: "On screen."
LT. LAZLO: "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING TREKKER?! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME OUT
HERE! That's the LAST time I'LL survey burned warp engines!
ENSIGN PODAR was right! You ARE a tin plated dictator with
delusions of GODHOOD! HMMPH! I'm going to Delta IV! At least
*I* still have warp capability!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Godhood. Hmmm...I like the sound of...D'OH! Hmmph...
very well. You've earned your shore leave. Oh...and bring
me back a Horgon."
LT. LAZLO: "Aye aye, sir. YEeeee...haaaa!"
(The shuttle warps away. and the Vaxerprise continues to creep along)
*FWOOSH*
Z: "Ah...Jean-Luc! Before I leave, here is a little gift. From me...to you!"
*FWOOSH*
(Suddenly, the BORK vessel, which looks remarkably like a Crockpot,
appears with a ribbon and a bow wrapped around it.)
Z: "Have fun, guys! Hahahaha!" 8)
*FWOOSH*
CAPT. TREKKER: "DARN YOU, Z! Oh, poo!"
LT. MISTERB: "Captain, YOU are being hailed."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Me? On screen..."
(A picture of Captain Trekker appears on the sceen)
CAPT. TREKKER: "NO, YOU SILLY! I MEAN THE HAIL!"
(Suddenly, a picture of a hailstorm appears on the screen.)
CAPT. TREKKER: "MISTERB! CONFINE YOURSELF TO AN AIRLOCK! PHANTOM...take
over."
(After much hoopla, the interior of the BORK vessel appears on screen.)
BORK #4 (in a Swedish accent): "KEPTIN YON-LOOK TREHKER OF DA VAXERPRISE,
YOO VILL AH-LOOWER YER SHEELDS AND AH-TWANSPERT YERSELF TO EWR
WESSEL OR YOO VILL BE AH BLOOPTY-BLOOPED DESTRUYED."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Right. Well, maybe I better get on over there...."
LT. RA: "But, SIR?!!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Well, seeing as they're going to come get me anyways, I
might as well advance the plot." (He taps his communicator.)
"Tranporter Room, beam me directly to the BORK vessel."
(TREKKER fades out as CONDOR returns to the bridge.)
COMM. CONDOR: "Where's he going?"
LT. COMM. URIEL: "Lunch."
COMM. CONDOR: "Oh.."
COMM. CONDOR: "Well, since I'm Captain now, let's sit and wait for a bit,
get beaten up real bad, and then smash into their ship at
Warp 9.9."
LT. COMM URIEL: "But sir, we have no warp capability."
COMM. CONDOR: "Then we'll hit them at impulse."
LT. PHANTOM: "Oh...That'll be terrificly effective.."
COMM. CONDOR: "Oh, stuff it. You're demoted to Ensign for 5 minutes."
(Suddenly, the viewscreen comes on. TREKKER stands there in a cook's uniform,
surrounded by other BORKs. His face is white from flour, and he has a huge
eggbeater for one arm. He speaks.)
CAPT. TREKKER: "Yello. I yam Lookootis of BORK. Yer dinner's as yoo knoo it
is oover. Froam dis ah-day ferwerd, we will ah-service yoo."
COMM. CONDOR: "Mr. PHANTOM...FIRE!"
LT. PHANTOM: "Yes there is, sir. On Decks 3,4,7, and 12. Lots of smoke, too.
Heavy casualties reported."
LOOKOOTIS: "Reesistence is ah-footile, Noomber Win."
COMM. CONDOR: "LT. RA, do a roll-over backflip."
(LT. RA gets out of his chair.)
COMM. CONDOR: "NO, YOU YUTZ!! With the SHIP! GEEZ!"
(The Vaxerprise executes the graceful manuever, very slowly.)
LT. COMM URIEL: "SIR! Their shields are down!"
COMM. CONDOR: "Transporter Room! EINSTEIN, lock onto TREKKER and beam him
directly to the bridge."
(Lookootis fades into view and looks around happily.)
COMM. CONDOR: "Uriel, take him to your lab!"
(LT. COMM. URIEL grabs Lookootis and drags him of to his Lab. Uriel's Lab,
Spike, licks all the flour off Lookootis. TREKKER looks around weakly.)
LT. COMM URIEL: "Good dog! (pets his Lab). How do you feel?"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Almost human, with just a sprig of parsley. Sleep..."
LT. COMM. URIEL: "YES! OF COURSE! We can plant a command into the BORK
consciousness which will..."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Hell with them...I mean I need sleep. Let's continue on
our mission. We'll stop at Z-Mart for some new nacelles."
AND SO, OUR INTREPID HEROES CONTINUE ON.............OR DO THEY???
(Meanwhile, in Transporter Room 1...)
LT. EINSTEIN: "Nobody understands me! I don't get any respect around here!"
(Suddenly, without warning, two BORKs transport next to Einstein,
grab him, and beam back to the Bork ship with him...)
*neato transporter sounds*
COMM. CONDOR (over the intercom): "Transporter Room 1!"
*silence*
COMM. CONDOR (over the intercom): "Transporter Room 1, come in!"
*more silence*
COMM. CONDOR: "What the devil is going on down there?..."
CAPT. TREKKER: "He's probably sleeping...lucky son-of-a-gun."
(Meanwhile in Ten Forward...)
LT. VENKMAN: "I don't undertand this ALFALFA. I'm sitting in my quarters,
reading a letter from my girlfriend, and all of a sudden, the
engines burst into flames! Do you know what that DOES to
a person?"
ALFALFA: "Yeah. I too have been having problems lately. I went up to the
bridge, right after the computer was repaired, and I wanted to tell
the Captain something, but CONDOR zapped me with a phaser. I don't
know. Things don't seem right somehow."
LT. VENKMAN: "YEAH! For one thing, how can engines burn in space? THERE'S
NO FRIGGIN AIR!"
ALFALFA: "This is true. Maybe it's wise not to ask such questions.
Would you like a glass of Figgy-Fizz?"
LT. VENKMAN: "Sure. I'd love some."
(Suddenly, Venkman is called to the engine room)
LT. COMM SIROTTO: "Mr. VENKMAN. Please report to engineering."
LT. VENKMAN: "On my way!"
ALFALFA: "I guess you'll take a rain check on the Figgy Fizz, huh?"
LT. VENKMAN: "Yeah...they probably need me to help on the repairs to the
Dilithium chamber. It doesn't like Elmer's Glue much." 8)
ALFALFA: "Hahaha. But aren't you a security officer?"
LT. VENKMAN: "Oh yeah! Well...maybe Jim forgot about that. Oh well, I
like to be well rounded. I'll clean up...and then shoot the
lot of them."
ALFALFA: "Ok...haha...have fun."
(As Lt. VENKMAN leaves Ten Forward, we see EINSTEIN aboard the BORK vessel)
LT. EINSTEIN: "Hey! That was neat! You guys must have a really mondo-riffic
Transporter system! May I see it?"
BORK #1: "NAH. YOO MUST BE ASEEMILATED...YAH!"
BORK #2: "YAH! AH LITTLE FRIEND MOOST BE ASEEMILATED. HERE EARTHLING...
POOT ON ZIS CHEF'S HAT...YAH!"
LT. EINSTEIN: "Uh...yeah, ok. What now?"
BORK #1: "YOO MUST NOW FOLLOW INGRID TO DEE-A PROCESSING-A FACILITY."
INGRID THE BORK: "GREETINGS LITTLE MAN! OUR NAME IS A INGRID. VEE ARE
HERE TO ASEEMILATE YOO. FOLLOW ME PLEEZE."
(Ingrid the BORK leads EINSTEIN to the ever-so-EVIL processing facility)
. . .
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(Meanwhile, back on the Vaxerprise, CAPT. TREKKER returns to the bridge
after a long needed nap.)
CAPT. TREKKER: "Greetings all! I see you're back with us MISTERB.
What is our status?"
LT. MISTERB: "Well...for starters, if you send me to that AIRLOCK again,
I won't be responsible for any stray harmonica music on the
bridge. Secondly, our transporter chief, EINSTEIN, seems
to be missing."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Interesting. What do you make of this counselor?"
COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "I feel sleepy."
LT. MISTERB: "Captain. We're being hailed."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Put it on screen..."
(An image of the interior of BORK kitchen fills the screen, and in the
background, EINSTEIN is seen, COOKING!)
COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "Hmmm...now I feel hungry."
BORK #1: "HALLO EARTHLINGS! VEE ARE ZEE BORK...YAH. VEE HAV COME TO
LEARN OF YOUR COOKING, AND CULINARY DELIGHTS. VEE HAV
ASEEMILATED VON OF YOUR-A CROO...AND VEE SHALL KEEP HIM, ZO DAT
HE KAN KOOK FER US...YAH!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "This is Capt. Jean-Luc TREKKER of the United Federation
Sillyship Vaxerprise. We are on a mission of peace."
LT. EINSTEIN (Seen flailing in the background): "Captain! HELP!!!"
BORK #4 (Holding a cattle prod): "ZILENCE, EARTLING. KEEPEE KOOKING!" *ZAP*
LT. EINSTEIN: "Eeep!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "WE WILL NOT TOLERATE THESE HOSTILITIES! Either you return
LT. EINSTEIN to us NOW, or face the consequences!"
LT. MISTERB: "Captain, the energy emissions on the BORK vessel are rising."
CAPT. TREKKER (Looking somewhat frightened): "Oh...fiddlesmurf."
BORK #1: "VEE ARE SORRY ABOUT ZIS KEPTIN...BOOT VEE HAV ZEE RIGHT TO PRESERVE
OUR-A RACE...YAH?"
CAPT. TREKKER: "NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF MY CREW YOU DON'T!"
BORK #1: "VELL...WE GUESS VEE VILL HAV TO DISTRUEY YOU."
(Suddenly, the screen shows the exterior of the Bork Vessel again)
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CAPT. TREKKER: "Darn it! MISTERB...SHIELDS UP! RED ALERT!"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING...SPACE DOORS ARE CLOSED. WARNING...SPACE DOORS
ARE CLOSED. FATAL EXPOSURE IN 30 MINUTES."
CAPT. TREKKER: "What is this? ACME Computer supply?"
LT. COMM URIEL: "No, Captain. We forgot to remove the nanites. Sorry."
CAPT. TREKKER: "OH GOD!! WHY, WHY, WHY?!!! This never happens to KIRK!"
Will the Vaxerprise be destroyed?
Will EINSTEIN be rescued?
Will the computer start singing Swedish Folk Songs?
TUNE IN TOMORROW...when we will answer these, and other SHOCKING questions:
On...BOARD #11: "Boldly going forward, 'Cause we can't find reverse!"
[Main Menu] [Part I] [Part II] [Part III] [Conclusion]