Vaxtrek I - Conclusion
CAPT. TREKKER: "Captain's Log...Stardate 44573.9. It's been nearly a full
day since the engines fell off. Lt. EINSTEIN was sucessfully
rescued from the BORK vessel, and his BORK attachments have
been removed. Unfortunately, the BORK vessel is self
destructing, and it seems to want to take us with it.
and without warp capability, we're ASHES!"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING...IT'S THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH, AND WE HAVE NO WARP
ENGINES. FATAL EXPOSURE IN 4 MINUTES."
CAPT. TREKKER: "LT. RA...GET US OUT OF HERE!"
LT. RA: "Well don't get your hopes up. It'll take us AT LEAST 2 hours to get
far enough away from that floating scrap heap."
LT. COMM. URIEL: "He has a point Captain. When that BORK vessel begins
nuclear fusion, the blast wave will incinerate us."
COMM. CONDOR: "Yeah...we're done for." 8(
COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "God do I feel depressed." 8(
(Suddenly...the doors on the turbo lift open...and out scampers Commander
CONDOR's cat...Fuzzles.)
COMM. CONDOR: "Aw...come 'ere little baby. You're frightened aren't you?
Yes you are...Daddy will protect you."
CAPT. TREKKER: "NUMBER ONE! PETS ARE NOT ALLOWED ON THE BRIDGE. Especially
that incontinent CAT!"
COMM. CONDOR: "Fuzzles isn't incontinent. She just can't hold down her
din-din. Isn't that right...precious?"
FUZZLES THE CAT: "MEOW...*Hic-BLOP*"
ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW: "Eewww!"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING...STERILIZE...IMPERFECTIONS...STERILIZE...FATAL
EXPOSURE IN 3 MINUTES."
CAPT. TREKKER: "TREKKER to Engineering. Mr. SIROTTO, are you ready?"
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "Yes sir. The Psuedo-Warp engine is all warmed up."
CAPT. TREKKER: "SPLENDID! Mr. URIEL, engage."
LT. COMM. URIEL: "Yes SIR!"
(Several seconds pass...nothing happens)
CAPT. TREKKER: "Well? Are we moving?"
LT. MISTERB: "Nope."
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING...COUNSELOR BELGARATH HAS FALLEN ASLEEP. FATAL
EXPOSURE IN 2 MINUTES."
*FWOOSH*
Z: "Hahaha...you guys are HILARIOUS! Have you enjoyed my little gift?" 8)
CAPT. TREKKER: "Z! I OUGHTA POP YOU!"
Z: "But...I thought you would enjoy my little gift." 8)
CAPT. TREKKER: "THEY TRIED TO KILL US!"
Z: "Well you weren't SUPPOSED to make CONTACT with them! They automatically
attack anything alien. Anyway, I've had my fun. What would like me to
do now?"
LT. PHANTOM: "How about LEAVE!"
Z: "Fine...as you wish." 8)
CAPT. TREKKER: "WAIT! Before you go, could you give us new warp engines?"
Z: "Why CERTAINLY, Mon Capitan. Oh...and, have a nice day." 8)
*FWOOSH*
.
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\ ==We Build Excitement=====>= || \ __--__
\___________________________________|| / ___________---______---___________
| | \________________________________/
. | | . / : .. __/ \______/
. | | / : _/ `--'
______| |_______'------'-__
. /_| |_| : .::. ||| /
. \____ .: --=======>= __|=(- .
----____ ||| \ .
. . -------------- .
. .
.
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "SIROTTO TO BRIDGE!!! WE'VE GOT ENGINES!!"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING...RADIATION LEVELS ARE INCREASING EXPONENTIALLY.
A NEARBY CALAMITY IS IMMINENT. FATAL EXPOSURE IN 30
SECONDS. END OF LINE.
CAPT. TREKKER: "MR. RA...plot a course to 117-Mark 13."
LT. RA: "But sir...that'll lead us directly to the Romulan Neutral Zone!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Did I say 13? I'm sorry...I meant 2." 8)
LT. COMM. URIEL: "Velocity?"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Warp NINE! Get us the heck out of here! Engage!"
(Like a bad remake of Star Trek II, The Vaxerprise jumps immediately into
Warp Space, just as the BORK vessel ignites...destroying all near by; which,
incidently, isn't a heck of a lot.)
LT. MISTERB: "YEAH! Smooth sailin' ahead, Captain!"
ALFALFA: "Ten Forward to Bridge...is everything alright up there?"
CAPT. TREKKER: "So far...yes. Everything ok down there?"
ALFALFA: "Couldn't be better, sir. ALFALFA out."
(Meanwhile...In Ten Forward:)
LT. VENKMAN: "Boy...am I glad that's over."
ALFALFA: "Same here. I thought this story would NEVER end. By the way.
Would you care for that Figgy-Fizz now?"
LT. VENKMAN: "Sure." 8)
(Meanwhile...back on the bridge:)
COMM. CONDOR: "Captain...I'm detecting a vessel off our port side."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Hmmm... LT. COMM. URIEL...slow us to Impulse."
(Pause)
CAPT. TREKKER: "What type of vessel is it, MISTERB?"
LT. MISTERB: "I can't tell, really. I'm getting ESPN again."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Nevertheless...open hailing frequencies."
LT. MISTERB: "Hailing frequencies open, sir."
CAPT. TREKKER: "This is CAPTAIN Jean-Luc TREKKER of the United Federation
Sillyship VAXERPRISE. We are on a mission of peace.
Please identify yourselves."
LT. MISTERB: "Ah...we're getting a signal now sir. I'm putting them on
screen."
(At that, an image of 2 very short, bald aliens appears on the screen.)
COMM. CONDOR: "Hey! I've seen these guys before."
BINAR #1: "110010101100111010101!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "What?"
BINAR #1: "110010101100111010101!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Oh crap. COMPUTER! Engage universal translator!"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WORKING...DEAR." 8)
CAPT. TREKKER: "I apologize...uh...Mister Binar. Could you repeat the
message?"
BINAR #1: "Yes, yes, no, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, yes, yes,
yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes."
ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW: "Huh?"
COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "I feel confused."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Uh...yeah. Maybe this isn't the time to start diplomatic
relations. Perhaps when you learn English...we will return."
BINAR #2: "No! We want diplomacy NOW!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Wow! You guys do speak english!"
BINAR #2: "I do. My captain doesn't. Needless to say, we observed your
entanglement with the BORK back there, and we wish to congratulate
you all on a job well done."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Why, thank you."
BINAR #2: "And...as a token of our esteem, we're giving you...NOTHING!!!
hahahaha!" 8)
(With that...the BINARIAN vessel turns around, and speeds away.)
LT. RA: "Well...that was...different."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Most definitely. Mr. RA. Take us to Starbase #42. CONDOR,
You have the conn. I'm going to the holodeck."
COMM CONDOR: "Aye, sir. Ok guys...PARTY TIME!!! Come 'ere Fuzzles.
You're a pretty kitty aren't you? Yes you are." 8)
FUZZLES THE CAT: "Meow...*Hic-BLOP*"
ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW: "Ewwww!"
(Meanwhile...on Holodeck 3...)
CAPT. TREKKER: "Computer...run Nixon Hill Program #73."
HOLODECK COMPUTER: "Program #73 in progress. Please enter."
(CAPT. TREKKER enters the Holodeck.)
DISGRUNTLED GANGSTER: "EAT LEAD, COPPER!" *Rat-at-at-at-at-at*
CAPT. TREKKER: "AAAIIIEEEE!!! COMPUTER! FREEZE PROGRAM!"
HOLODECK COMPUTER: "IS THERE A PROBLEM...DEAR?" 8)
Will the Vaxerprise be destroyed?
Will Capt. Trekker be shot by evil gangsters?
Will Fuzzles ever stop vomiting?
TUNE IN TOMORROW...when we will answer these, and other BIZARRE questions:
On...BOARD #11: "Boldly going forward, 'Cause we can't find reverse!"
VaxTrek I
Encounter at No-Point
&
The Best Of Both SmorgasBORKs
Written by..........................ENTERPRISE, TREKKER, CONDOR, &
EINSTEIN
Cast
----
CAPTAIN TREKKER......................TREKKER
COMMANDER CONDOR......................CONDOR
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER URIEL......................The Angel Himself
COUNSELOR BELGARATH......................BELGARATH
DOCTOR BANDIT2......................BANDIT2
LIEUTENANT MISTERB......................MISTERB
LIEUTENANT PHANTOM......................Boo!
LIEUTENANT RA......................The Egyptian Sungod,
Resident Assistant
Right Ascension
ALFALFA......................ALFALFA
LIEUTENANT EINSTEIN......................Jeff the BORK-Boy!
LIEUTENANT VENKMAN......................VENKMAN
LIEUTENANT SCRIB......................SCRIB
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER SIROTTO......................SIROTTO
LIEUTENANT LAZLO......................LAZLO
ENSIGN JAYDEE......................JAYDEE
Z......................Skippy Podar
(And now...miscellaneous characters portrayed by
the Not Ready For Warp Speed Players)
BORK #1 BORK #4 BORK #351
(And now...THE LITTLE PEOPLE!)
Make Up...............ENTERPRISE
Dance Choreography...............TREKKER
Chief in charge of Spell Checking...............TREKKER
Spell Checker's assistant...............ENTERPRISE
Lighting...............CSE
Best Boy...............ENTERPRISE
Worst Boy...............TREKKER
Dali Grip...............Salvador
Gaffer...............TREKKER
Assistant Director...............Skippy Podar
Story Editor...............TREKKER
Assistant Story Editor...............ENTERPRISE
Assistant Assistant Story Editor...............TREKKER
2nd Star in the Big Dipper's Handle...............Alcor
Van Driver...............Russell Ackerman
Continuity...............Any function that is
differentiable to first
order, and does not equal
infinity. 8)
Stunts
------
VENKMAN
Special Thanks to:
CSE's NERDC Printer
CIRCA
MCW
MONTY
ARCH
Our moms...8)
TREKKER
ENTERPRISE
MADAME FONG'S HOUSE OF BEER & SAUSAGES
and of course
Gene Roddenberry, for without whom,
none of this would make any sense.
And anyone else who was mentioned in this story.
VAXTREK is the official trademark of Board #11 Productions...dang it!
Any violation of copyright laws will result in immediate prostitution.
All characters or events portrayed in this story, are unbelievably fictional.
If you can find ANY similarities to actual events, I'll buy you a beer.
So there...nyah! 8)
Copyright © MCMXC BOARD #11 Productions!
Coming soon!
[Main Menu]
[Vaxtrek 1]
[Vaxtrek 2]
[Vaxtrek 3]
[Vaxtrek 4]
[Vaxtrek 5]
[Vaxtrek 6]
[Vaxtrek 7]
[Vaxtrek 8]
[Vaxtrek 9]
[Vaxtrek 10]