Vaxtrek II - Part I

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VAX...The Final Frontier.

These are the voyages of the starship Vaxerprise.

Our continuing mission: to seek out that which is silly;

To explore that which is funny;

To boldly go...where no VAX 6320 has gone...before!

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This semester's episode: The Naked Vax

Written by:
ENTERPRISE & TREKKER

Based on the Episode:
The Naked Now

Adaptation for MBBS:
Monty's Q-Scan Emporium

Music by:
The Talking Meat Buckets

Produced by:
D.A. CLACKUM

Directed by:
Fuzzles The Barfing Cat

(Featuring...Susan Sarandon as Mumbles The Wonder Trout)

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                                   `-----'
 

   When we last left our intrepid heroes, they were on their way to Starbase
 42, after an incounter with the BORK.  Capt. TREKKER is fending for his life
 on the holodeck.  Due to a recurrent glich in the Ship's Computer, the
 holodeck (among other things) is malfunctioning.  We now join CAPT. TREKKER
 on Holodeck #3.

DISGRUNTLED GANGSTER:  "EAT LEAD COPPER!!!"  *Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat*

CAPT. TREKKER:  "AAaaiiieee!  COMPUTER!  FREEZE PROGRAM!"  (*Bleep*)

HOLODECK COMPUTER:  "Is there a problem?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "YES!  THERE'S A PROBLEM!  That simulation just tried to KILL
                 me!"

HOLODECK COMPUTER:  "My sole purpose in life is to recreate various senarios in
                     the most realistic form possible."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Don't you think you could tone down the VIOLENCE a bit?!"
 
 
HOLODECK COMPUTER:  "What's the matter TREKKER?  CAN'T TAKE THE HEAT!!!
                     RESUMING PROGRAM!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Aaaiiieee!"

    Suddenly, 2 more gangsters appear, and begin firing at our captain. 
 Displaying extraodinary agility, he manages to scurry behind the desk in
 Nixon Hill's office.

DISGRUNTLED GANGSTER #2:  "YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM US...NICKY!  WE'LL PUMP YOUR
                           GUTS FULL OF LEAD!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "COMPUTER!  FREEZE PROGRAM!"

HOLODECK COMPUTER:  "COMMANDS CAN NO LONGER BE ACCEPTED FROM YOUR LOCATION."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "What?  FROM BEHIND A DESK?"

HOLODECK COMPUTER:  "EXACTLY."
   

CAPT. TREKKER:  "SECURITY!  HOLODECK #3!  IMMEDIATELY!!!"

                         (Suddenly, the phone rings.)

                               *ring-ring-ring*

CAPT. TREKKER (Sound of gunfire in the background):  "Uh...hello?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Hey!  This actually works!  I decided to patch my
                communications through the holodeck computer, so as not to
                ruin the realism.  Neat...huh?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Thank you for your concern.  GET ME OUTTA HERE!"

COMM CONDOR:  "What seems to be the problem?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "The holodeck computer is trying to kill me!"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Hmmm...sounds like a job for the MUCK!"
 
CAPT. TREKKER:  "The MUCK?  What's that?  Aaaiiiee!"  *Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat*

COMM. CONDOR:  "It's a program I often run in Holodeck #4.  It's a simulation
                of the Academy.  The neat thing about it is, it has a mortality
                failsafe.  I'll send a copy down to you."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Thanks Number One!"

  (In the meantime, TREKKER remembers he left a phaser in the desk the last
    time he was running the Nixon Hill program.  So, being the resourceful
        Captain he is, he opens the desk, and starts using the phaser.)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "TASTE MY FIREY DEATH...SLACKERS!!!"

DISGRUNTLED GANGSTER #3:  "GEEZE!  HE'S GOT A HEATER!  RUN FOR IT!!!"

  (Capt. Trekker incinerates two of the three gangsters, unfortunately, the
                       computer just regnerates them.)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "DAMN!  WHY? WHY? WHY?"
 

HOLODECK COMPUTER:  "YOU HAVE A FILE WAITING TO BE RECEIVED ON NODE MAPLE."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "COMPUTER!  RECEIVE *!"

HOLODECK COMPUTER:  "FILE MUCK.COM;1 RECEIVED ON HOLODECK #3."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "COMPUTER!  RUN PROGRAM MUCK!"

     Suddenly, everything vanishes, and TREKKER appears in a Lecture hall
                          at the Starfleet Academy.

COMMODORE BOUNCY-BOTTOM:  "...and class, as you can see here, the magnatomic
                           flux crystals, focus the energy in the warp engines
                           so that..."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Computer!  ARCH!"

COMMODORE BOUNCY-BOTTOM:  "MISTER TREKKER!  I WILL APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DIDN'T
                           INTERRUPT MY LECTURES!  IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION,
                           RAISE YOUR HAND!"
 
  
CAPT. TREKKER:  "Sorry...sir."  *gulp*  

  Capt. TREKKER leaves the lecture hall, and proceeds onto the front lawn of
                                the building.

BOOPY THE GROUNDS KEEPER:  "Well...as I live and breathe!  Jean-Luc!  You old
                            space dog.  Where have you been?"

TREKKER:  "Uh...around."

BOOPY:  "Hmmm...that's a nasty bullet hole in your uniform there.  You should
         have that fixed.  You never know when they'll give a surprise
         inspection."

TREKKER:  "Hahah...you have a point there.  Well, I've got to go.  I'll see you
           around...ok?"

BOOPY:  "Sure thing J.L."

TREKKER:  "Computer!  ARCH!"
 
  
                       (Suddenly, Admiral ARCH appears)

ADMIRAL ARCH:  "Yes?  What is it now?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "No, no, no...I meant the Control Arch!"

                                   *FWOOSH*

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Thank you.  Sheesh!"

  (Capt. TREKKER, disables the holodeck computer so that it can be repaired.
   He then brushes off his uniform, and heads zippo-quick up to the bridge.)

                         (Meanwhile...in Ten Forward)

ALFALFA:  "...so there I was, surrounded by a horde of giant penguins.  I
           didn't know what to do!  I thought that my end had come for sure."

LT. STONEWALL:  "Wow!  Did you die?"
   

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "Of course she didn't DIE!  Good grief!"

ALFALFA:  "Actually...I DID die."

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "Oh."

LT. STONEWALL (Looking rather smug):  "SO THERE...Nyah!"

ALFALFA:  "If it weren't for Capt. TREKKER, I'd be dead today."

LT. STONEWALL:  "Wow."

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "MAN!  You'll believe anything this chick dishes out!  She's
                pulling your leg!"

ALFALFA:  "Oh yeah!  Take a look at this!"

(ALFALFA takes off her hat, to display a penguin scar on the top of her head.)

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "Dude!  That's viscious!  Uh...nevermind."
 

                  (Suddenly, STONEWALL and BIGAL are paged)


LT. PHANTOM:  "Lt. STONEWALL...Ensign BIGAL...please report to briefing room
               #6 for Security Detail.  Thank you."

LT. STONEWALL:  "Well ALFA...we gotta go.  Keep those stories comin'!"

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "Yeah...and I must say, you make the best Figgy Fizzes this side
                of Betelgeuse."

ALFALFA:  "I bet you say that to ALL the girls.  See ya guys."  8)

                       (Meanwhile...back on the bridge)

COMM. CONDOR:  "Yipes!  Fuzzles!  Get out of the Captain's chair!"

FUZZLES:  "Meow...*Hic-BLOP*"

ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW:  "Eewww!"
 
 
                      (Capt. TREKKER enters the bridge)


CAPT. TREKKER:  "Thanks Number One!  I owe you a Figgy Fizz."

LT. COMM URIEL:  "UGGGH!  CAPTAIN!  DON'T SIT THERE!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "WHY NOT?!  IT'S MY CHAIR!  I EARNED THE RIGHT TO SIT IN THIS
                 CHAIR!  I PASSED THE KOBYASHI MARU TEST WITH FLYING COLORS!
                 HA!  NO LOWLY LT. COMMANDER IS GOING TO TELL *ME* WHERE I
                 CAN AND CAN'T SIT!  HA...the nerve!"

LT. COMM URIEL:  "WAIT!!!  The cat's been...*SQUISH*...sick."

ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW:  "Ewwwww...GROSS!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "NUMBER ONE!!!"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Yes sir.  I'll send Fuzzles back to my quarters.  By the way,
                that's a nasty bullet hole in your uniform, if you don't mind
                me saying so sir."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I realize that I have a bullet hole in my uniform.  BUT THAT'S
                 NOT THE POINT!  I FORBADE YOU TO ALLOW THAT WORTHLESS BAG OF
                 FLEAS ON MY BRIDGE!"

COMM CONDOR:  "But she isn't worthless.  Are you precious?"

FUZZLES:  "Meow...*hic-BLOP*"

ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW:  "Ewwww!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "OK!  ENOUGH ALREADY!  WE GET THE POINT!  NOW GET THAT THING
                 OF MY BRIDGE!"

COMM CONDOR:  "Yes sir.  Go on Fuzzles...go home."

Fuzzles the Barfing Cat scampers toward the turbo-lift, and leaves the bridge.
Meanwhile...the Vaxerprise begins to receive communications from Starbase 42.

LT. MISTERB:  "Captain.  We're receiving a message from Starbase 42."
   
CAPT. TREKKER:  "Put it on screen."

ADMIRAL ZEPPELIN:  "Greetings Jean-Luc.  We're awaiting your arrival."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Yes.  It has been a long time has it not?"

ZEPPELIN:  "Indeed.  Are you ready for a personnel transfer?"

TREKKER:  "Now that you mention it...yes!  There's this cat that I can't
           stand.  You see, it keeps..."

ZEPPELIN:  "Sorry...we don't accept cats.  However, we ARE willing to
            accept LT. RED.  He is to be transferred to the U.S.S. MIAMI,
            Registration Number NCC-80°."

TREKKER:  "But sir...I was hoping...to get rid of this damn cat!"

ZEPPELIN:  "Out of the question!  The starbase is 20 years old!  It could
            never take the pounding and you know it!  Besides, all our 
            cleaning staff is on shoreleave."
 
CAPT. TREKKER:  "Damn.  Very well.  LT. RA, when are we scheduled to arrive at
                 Starbase 42?"

LT. RA:  "Well...provided the engines don't catch on fire, approximately 15
          minutes."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Uh...thank you LT.  Admiral, we shall be there shortly."

ADMIRAL ZEPPELIN:  "Splendid!  ZEPPY out."
 
COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I think he's hiding something."

ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW:  "Huh?"


     Meanwhile...in the Recreation Room, ENSIGN BRASSMAN is conducting an
                               Aerobics Class.


BRASSMAN:  "JAZZERCISE...TONE THOSE THIGHS...YOU CAN'T FEEL THE BEAT...IF YOU
            CAN'T SEE YOUR FEET!  GO FOR THE BURN!  GO FOR THE BURN!!!"

BRASSMAN:  "ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...TWO, TWO, THREE, FOUR...WORK IT OUT...
            WORK IT OUT...GO FOR THE BURN!"

LT. EINSTEIN:  "My God!  This guy is KILLING US...*huff-puff-pant-pant*"

LT. COMM. BANDIT2:  "Shut up.  It's good for you...*huff-puff-pant-pant*"

ENSIGN BRASSMAN:  "Ok kids...that's it for today.  Those of you in my fencing
                   class, we'll meet here tomorrow at 09:00 hours.  Later!"

(BANDIT2, The chief Medical Officer, grabs her towel, and goes to her quarters,
               Meanwhile...EINSTEIN approaches ENSIGN BRASSMAN)

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Dude...*huff-puff*...since WHEN did YOU start teaching this
               class?  *huff-puff*  I thought...you were into fencing."

ENSIGN BRASSMAN:  "I AM.  I just like to teach this class, so that I can watch
                   the babes.  8)  Ever see LT. PHANTOM in leotards?"

LT. EINSTEIN:  "I can't say that I have.  *Huff-puff*  Well, I'll see ya later."
 

ENSIGN BRASSMAN:  "See ya EINEY!"

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                       (Meanwhile...back on the bridge)

LT. RA:  "Captain.  We're approaching Spacedock."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Excellent.  Take us in.  I'm going into my ready room to
                 change."

LT. MISTERB:  "To change what?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "MY UNIFORM!  WHAT ELSE?"

LT. MISTERB:  "Well...you could change your mind."

COMM CONDOR:  "Change it into what?"

LT. MISTERB:  "A turnip maybe?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Hmmm...it could be an improvement?" 
 
CAPT. TREKKER:  "ALRIGHT ALREADY!  Sheesh!"

(Capt. TREKKER enters his ready room, and approaches his handy-dandy clothing
                                 replicator.)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Computer.  One Uniform...Captain's Rank...size...Medium."

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "THERE IS NOT ENOUGH INFORMATION FOR REQUESTED PROCESS."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "WHAT?!  What more do you need?!"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "INFORMATION DOES NOT COINCIDE WITH GIVEN PARAMETERS."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "D'Oooooh!  I oughta POP you!"

(Captain TREKKER, throughly unamused, fumbles through his closet, only to find
   a bright blue Hawaiian Shirt, Some Neon Green shorts, a pair of sandals,
                                  and a lei)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Good GOD!  I can't go around looking like THIS!"
 
  
                                   *FWOOSH*

Z:  "You CAN if you try!"  8)

                                   *FWOOSH*

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "Captain to the bridge, please."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Oh God.  On my way!"

  (Captain TREKKER appears on the bridge, wearing all his touristy regalia.)

COMM. CONDOR:  "Captain...we've...*GASP*"

ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW:  "UGH!"

LT. RA:  "Wow!  Are you going sightseeing...sir?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "No I'm not going sightseeing."

LT. MISTERB:  "MAN THAT'S UGLY!  Someone give me a phaser!"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "I think I prefer the kitty vomit."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "ENOUGH ALREADY!  I realize it's ugly, but hey, I'm the
                 captain, right?  LT. RA, take us into the Spacedock."

LT. RA "Aye sir."

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "WARNING...SPACE DOORS ARE CLOSED."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "NO THEY AREN'T!"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "YES THEY ARE."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "NO THEY AREN'T!"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "DON'T ARGUE WITH ME.  I SAID THEY ARE."
 
CAPT. TREKKER:  "I can argue all I want!  I'm the Captain!"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "NO.  YOU'RE JUST A MONKEY ON A POWER TRIP.  WHAT YOU NEED
                   IS A LESSON IN HUMILITY."

LT. MISTERB:  "Starbase 42 reports that we've cleared the Spacedoors."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "IN YO FACE YOU TWO-BIT CALCULATOR!"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "Hmmmph."

  (The Vaxerprise successfully docks at Starbase 42.  The personnel transfer
 is conducted smoothly, and Capt. TREKKER still can't find a clean uniform.)


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 We now resume our story, 5 hours later.  Capt. TREKKER is in his ready room,
   having a clandestine conversation  with a worker at the Starbase, on the
                      miniature viewscreen on his desk.

CAPT. TREKKER:  "So you see...I want to unload this...cat.  How much is it
                 going to cost me?"

GHOST:  "Cat you name...Money I name...otherwise bargain NO!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "ALRIGHT...Dammit!  The cat I'm trying to unload is FUZZLES!
                 Fuzzles the Barfing Cat!"

GHOST:  "FUZZLES?!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Yes!  FUZZLES!"

GHOST:  "FUZZLES IS CAT FORBIDDEN!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Listen to me, by backwards friend, Fuzzles may be cat
                 forbidden, but..."  *BEEP-BEEP*
 
         (Capt. TREKKER abruptly turns off his miniature viewscreen.)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Darn it!  COME!"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "I hate to interrupt sir, but your voice is carrying.
                   I don't think you should be discussing Fuzzles in public.
                   Especially with CONDOR in the next room."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Hmmm...I suppose you're right.  What's our status?"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "LT. RED has left, we've made the necessary repairs to the
                   drive system, and the computer's still broken."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Good.  Notify the crew that we'll be leaving in 5 minutes."

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "Yes sir.  By the way...nice shorts."  8)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "D'Ooooh!  I oughta POP you!"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "*chuckle*"
 

         (Capt. TREKKER follows URIEL onto the bridge, and he's STILL
                        wearing his touristy regalia.)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "LT. RA.  Clear all moorings."

ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW:  "UGH!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "LOOK!  As soon as I can find a uniform, I'll change!"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I sense Deja Vu."

LT. RA:  "Moorings cleared sir."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Splendid.  As soon as we've cleared the doors, plot a course
                 to Delta IV.  We've got to pick up LT. LAZLO."

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Sirotto to bridge.  Captain?  I've fixed the replicator.
                     I've got a new uniform for you!"

ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW:  "THANK GOD!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Very funny...ha ha.  Number One...you have the conn."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Aye sir."

 (Capt. TREKKER leaves the bridge, and heads down to his quarters to change.)

LT. MISTERB:  "Hmmm..."

COMM. CONDOR:  "What's the matter?"

LT. MISTERB:  "I think we're getting a distress signal."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Ah...ignore it.  It'll go away."

LT. MISTERB:  "Very well.  Anybody wanna watch Tag Team Tuba Wrestling on 
               ESPN?"

LT. RA:  "Sure...put it on screen!"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "PAAAARTY!"

(Meanwhile...down in the Biochemical Engineering Lab, LT. VENKMAN is talking
   to Acting Ensign RASHEED, who's working on a science project for class.)

LT. VENKMAN:  "What in the WORLD are you doing?"

RASHEED:  "I'm creating a new strain of fungus!  I'm crossing Penicillium
           Mold with Peruvian Root Rot.  I'm not sure what I'll use it for,
           but I'm sure I'll get an A on it!  Isn't that NEAT?!"

LT. VENKMAN:  "Uh...yeah.  I have one question though."

RASHEED:  "Sure...what is it?"

LT. VENKMAN:  "Anybody ever tell you that you're weird?"

RASHEED:  "Actually...YES!  Thousands of people!  Men and women, children of
           all ages, from miles around have told me that, not only am I 
           unique, but I posess one of the most cherished gifts in all the
           universe!  Gobs of Unbridled Innocence!  Neat...huh?"

LT. VENKMAN:  "Uh...yeah.  Ummm...I've got to go.  I'll talk to you later,
               ok?"

RASHEED:  "Sure thing!  And remember, A Mutant Fungus is a Happy Fungus!"

LT. VENKMAN:  "Uh...yeah."

    (LT. VENKMAN leaves the Biochem. Lab, shaking his head in disbelief.)

                          (Meanwhile...Ten Forward.)

LT. PHANTOM:  "...it was amazing!  The way LT. EINSTEIN turned that BORK into
               a stalk of celery, was pure GENIUS!  I think he should be given
               a citation."

ALFALFA:  "A Chevrolet Citation?"

LT. PHANTOM:  "Uh...no.  But hey, why the heck not?"

ALFALFA:  "Um...he wouldn't be able to fit it in his pocket."
 
LT. PHANTOM:  "Hahah...well, I'm off to the bridge."

ALFALFA:  "Have fun!  There are rumors going around that the Captain doesn't
           have any clean uniforms."

LT. PHANTOM:  "It doesn't surprise me.  He's not the most organized man in the
               world."

ALFALFA:  "Not many of them are.  But alas, I digress."  8)

LT. PHANTOM:  "Haha...see ya."

   As LT. PHANTOM zooms off to the bridge,  we join our intrepid heroes on
      the bridge, where they are watching ESPN on the Giant Viewscreen.

LT. MISTERB:  "This is GREAT isn't it?!  Nothin' says lovin' like Tag Team
               Tuba Wrestling!"

COMM. CONDOR:  "As long as we get rid of it before Herr Capítan returns."
 
 
LT. RA:  "I think Sweden is going to win.  But don't quote me."

                 (Suddenly CAPT. TREKKER enters the bridge.)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Hello everyone!  MISTERB...what's our...EEEK!  What is this?"

LT. MISTERB:  "Uh...Tag Team Tuba Wrestling...sir.  Sweden is winning."

(CAPT. TREKKER scowls at his crew, as MISTERB returns the screen to it's usual
  mode of showing gobs of stars, redshifting.  At the bottom of the screen
               there is the message "INCOMING DISTRESS CALL".)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "An INCOMING DISTRESS CALL?!  Why wasn't I notified?"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "It was MISTERB's fault!"

LT. RA:  "Yeah...he just ignored it!  He said it would go away!"

LT. MISTERB:  "OH FINE!  EVERYBODY DUMP ON ME!  Sheesh!"  8)
   

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Ok...ok...just put it on screen."

LT. MISTERB:  "It's audio only...sir.  I'm patching it through now."

      (A static ridden message is heard over the bridge's P.A. system.)

CAPT. THENOSE:  "VAXERPRISE!  This is the Federation Starship U.S.S. JACK
                 DANIELS!  Can you read us?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "We can read you Captain!  This is Captain. Jean-Luc TREKKER
                 of the Federation Starship VAXERPRISE.  How may we assist
                 you?"

CAPT. THENOSE:  "Everything is weird over here!  My first officer is singing
                 Norwegian Folk Hymnals, my Yeoman keeps force feeding me
                 Ju-Ju-Bees, and my chief engineer has turned into a Wombat!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Hmmm...we're on our way!  LT. RA, plot a course for the
                 U.S.S. JACK DANIELS!  Warp 9!"
 
 

CAPT. THENOSE:  "Thank you so much!  ARRGH!  Leave me a alone YEOMAN!"

YEOMAN OKRA (In a bizarre, yet seductive voice):  "I'M GOING TO BLOW THENOSE!
                                                   I'M GOING TO BLOW THENOSE!
                                                   Wheee!"  *KABOOM!*

Suddenly, there is an explosion heard over the speaker system, and then static.

ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW:  "*GASP*"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "CAPT. THENOSE!  Can you read us?!"

LT. MISTERB:  "Communication has been broken at the source sir."


CAPT. TREKKER:  "Damn!  LT. RA!  Increase speed!"

LT. RA:  "We're going as fast as we can already!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Hmmm...very well.  Steady as she goes."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "MISTERB, patch us in to Lt. LAZLO on Delta IV."

LT. MISTERB:  "Right away sir."

   (As MISTERB fumbles with his equipment, LT. PHANTOM enters the bridge.)

LT. PHANTOM:  "Greetings all!  I noticed we changed course.  What's the
               matter?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "We were en route to Delta IV to pick up LT. LAZLO, when
                 we received a distress call from the U.S.S. JACK DANIELS.
                 Something is amiss, and I suspect...FOUL PLAY!"

COMM. CONDOR:  "I think they've blown up.  But don't quote me."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "YES!  We must hurry!  WE HAVE NARY A SECOND TO LOSE!"

LT. RA:  "MAN!  This room is just dripping with melodrama!"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "WARNING...PLOT IS ABOUT TO THICKEN.  FATAL EXPOSURE IN..."
 

LT. MISTERB:  "Captain...I've contacted LT. LAZLO on Delta IV."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Put it on screen."

 An image of LT. LAZLO appears on the viewscreen.  He is wearing sunglasses,
   a pair of shorts, and he's carrying a horgon.  Standing beside him is a
                      hauntingly beautiful native girl.

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Lt. LAZLO.  We regret disturbing you, but..."

LT. LAZLO:  "Howdy Captain!  Thanks for the shoreleave!  Let me introduce you
             to a friend of mine.  Her name is CANIBAL!  I met her here on
             Delta IV."

CANIBAL (Waving frantically):  "Hello outworlders!  HELLO!!!"

LT. LAZLO:  "This is a fantastic planet!  I think I'm going to stay here for 
             a while."
 
 

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Hmmm...well, I'm afraid you'll have to.  We've been diverted
                 momentarily.  However, when our mission is complete, we will
                 come to get you."

LT. LAZLO:  "No Captain.  You see, I WANT to stay here.  The air is clean, the
             life is sweet, the girls are...well, you can see for yourself!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "You are forgetting that you posess federation property!"

LT. LAZLO:  "What?  My uniform?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "No.  The Shuttle.  You remember, don't you?"

LT. LAZLO:  "Oh yeah!  The GOOMBOT.  Well, you won't have to worry about that
             anymore.  I used the parts to make weapons for the natives."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "YOU WHAT?!"

LT. LAZLO:  "I'm just kidding!  Sure!  Come and get it when you want too.
             But I'm staying here."
 
  
CAPT. TREKKER:  "Very well.  We'll see you shortly, I hope.  TREKKER out."

LT. MISTERB:  "Hailing frequencies closed...sir."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "LT. RA, what is our estimated time of arrival?"

LT. RA:  "Arrival to where?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "THE MOON!  Where else?!  The U.S.S. JACK DANIELS!"

LT. RA:  "Oh...that.  About 6 minutes.  Why do you ask?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Oh, just curious."

   (Meanwhile...down in sickbay, EINSTEIN is having his shoulder examined)

LT. EINSTEIN:  "I think I sprained a muscle while I was lifting weights."

LT. DOC: "Dr. BANDIT2 tells me you were in an Aerobics Class."
 

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Oh...well yeah, that too."

LT. COMM. BANDIT2:  "Nurse DOC, can I see you in here a moment?"

LT. DOC:  "Certainly Doctor.  I'll be right back, EINEY."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Sure thing.  OUCH...this hurts."

   (EINSTEIN is approached by an ensign with a tourniquet around his leg.)

ENSIGN ZENMASTER:  "Not HALF as much as THIS!  I got a piece of shrapnel in
                    my leg."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "How did THAT happen?"

ENSIGN ZENMASTER:  "I was using a Ginsu Steak Knife, to fix a short in my
                    food replicator, and it blew up.  The knife lodged 
                    itself in my leg."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "EEP!  I hate it when that happens!"

ENSIGN ZENMASTER:  "That's ok...DISGUSTING MAN can take ANYTHING!  I laugh
                    at fear!  I chuckle at catastrophe!  I chortle at the
                    sight of DOOM!  I am...DISGUSTING MAN!"

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Ooooo-kay."

                       (Meanwhile...back on the bridge)

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "Captain...we're within visual range of the U.S.S. JACK
                   DANIELS."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Put it on screen."


     .------------------------------------------------------------------.
     |                                 					|
     |   .                   .      _____        .                      |
     |              .              |_____|                   .   .      |
     |                     _______/__---__\_______            .         |
     |              ______/_====---_______---====_\______               |
     |              \___________________________________/               |
     |                 _/_/ \_____\_______/_____/ \_\_                  |
     |    .           | | |         `---'         | | |                 |
     | ..              \_/                         \_/      .           |
     |                                                                  |
     `------------------------------------------------------------------'

(A picture of the U.S.S. JACK DANIELS appears on the screen.  It's registration
                 numbers NCC-666 gleaming in the starlight.)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Hmmm...it LOOKS ok.  Number One...assemble an away team."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Sure thing.  I pick you, and you , and you , and you."
 
CAPT. TREKKER:  "Could you be more specific?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Ok...ok.  I'll take LT. PHANTOM, LT. COMM. URIEL, LT. MISTERB,
                and COUNSELOR BELGARATH."

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I feel needed."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Since we don't know if the crew of the JD has been infected,
                 you are all required to wear decontamination suits."

LT. MISTERB:  "Oooohhh!  But when I weeeear them, I can't feeel anythinggg!"

LT. RA:  "Please don't whine."

LT. MISTERB:  "Ok."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Very well then.  Dismissed.  Have fun...and BE CAREFUL!"

LT. PHANTOM:  "We will sir!"
 

       .            .   __                         __            .
      :                /  \        __---__        /  \
                     __\__/_____---_______---_____\__/__
                     \_________________________________/
                            \\_   \_______/   _//                       .
          .                   \\_   `---'   _//     .
                                \\..-|_|-..//
.                .               `/ .---. \'                 .
                                 | |  o  | |
                           .      \ `-_-' /
                                   `-----'                                .
          .                                    .



   Our intrepid band of heroes wends it's way to Transporter Room #4.  LT.
  EINSTEIN has returned from sickbay, and is waiting in the transporter room
                                  for them.

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Hi folks!  Where are we off to today?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "The bridge of the U.S.S. JACK DANIELS."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Hmmm...according to the sensors, there's no AIR on the bridge."

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I feel short of breath."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Ok...send us to the bowling alley."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Sure thing.  Everybody ready?"

LT. MISTERB:  "I can't breathe in this decontamination suit!"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Hmmm...sounds like a personal problem to me."

LT. MISTERB:  "Ok."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Energize."

  (Lt. EINSTEIN engages the transporter, and begins to send our heroes over
 to the JACK DANIELS, when suddenly...Fuzzles runs into the Transporter Room,
   and leaps onto the transporter pad.  Thus sending it to the JACK DANIELS
                             with the away team)

LT. EINSTEIN:  "DAMN!  I hate it when that happens!  Uh...Captain?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "TREKKER here."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Fuzzles jumped on the transporter pad.  He's now on the JD with
                the away team."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "GREAT!  Computer!  Disengage transporter!

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "COMMANDS CANNOT BE ACCEPTED FROM YOUR PRESENT LOCATION."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "D'Ooooh!  Nevermind."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "What are we going to do?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Well, when the away team returns, lock onto Fuzzles,
                 and bring him back separately.  Frankly, I think we should
                 leave him there."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Aside from his constant gastro-intestinal stress, Fuzzles
                isn't a bad cat."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Think again monkey man!"

                   (Meanwhile...on the U.S.S. JACK DANIELS)



           .                        _________
                                   /  ====___|        __--__
                       .          /  ____  /----------______---_____________
                                  \ _______\_______________________________/
                                  / ---------- /____'\______/
               ____=====_________/____________/_____   `--'              .
               \  ==USS JACK DANIELS = NCC-666 =>= / 
                \_________________________________/ 
       .                                                         .

LT. PHANTOM:  "Hmmm...it's really quiet in here."

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I feel numb."

FUZZLES THE BARFING CAT:  "MEOW...*hic-BLOP*"
 
COMM. CONDOR:  "What are YOU doing here, precious?"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "Oh lord."
  
LT. MISTERB:  "Well, we'll just have to make the best of a bad situation.
               Where's my phaser?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "How dare you blaspheme SO?!  If you do the slightest harm
                to my cat, I shall wreak my mighty vengence upon you.  So
                there...nyah!"

LT. PHANTOM:  "Alright...alright!  Let's figure out what's going on here."

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I feel tipsy."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Computer!  What is the status of the main bridge?"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "THE ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE IN THE MAIN BRIDGE IS INSUFFICIENT
                   FOR THE SUPPORT OF LIFE.  ACCESS IS DENIED."
 
COMM CONDOR:  "Nor encouraged...no doubt.  Ok group, let's go explorin'!"

  Our intrepid band of mirthmakers wanders through the darkened halls of the
  once Pseudo-Mighty Starship JACK DANIELS.  Numerous crew members are found
  lying on the floor, with odd expression on their faces.  The ship is also
                            crawling with wombats.

COMM. CONDOR:  "URIEL, what do you make of all these wombats?"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "Well...we could make throw pillows out of them."

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I feel...hoopy."

Interstingly enough, Fuzzles encouters one of the wombats, and it starts mind-
melding with her.  From this point, it is safe to assume that the wombat maybe
            part Vulcan.  But then again, we've been wrong before.

FUZZLES:  "Meow...meow...VULCAN meow."

ENTIRE AWAY TEAM:  "*GASP*"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "Ok, Lieutenant, lock onto my cooridnates, code 14, mark 2
	seconds..."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "But, sir, that's where Fuzzles the Barfing Cat is located,
	sir..."

URIEL:  "Just do it!  I outrank you, do what I say!"

EINSTEIN:  "Aye, sir...one-one thousand, two-one thousand...energizing..."

FUZZLES THE BARFING CAT:  "Meow...*hic-BLOP* *KABOOOMM!*"

AUDIENCE:  "Ewwwwwwwww!"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "Did you hear that?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Hear what?"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "That noise!"

COMM. CONDOR:  "What noise?"

LT. MISTERB:  "It sounded like someone mumbling."

LT. PHANTOM:  "...about VULCAN...right?"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "EXACTLY!"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Aw...you guys are hearing things.  Let's go to the battle
                bridge and see if we can figure out what happened."

LT. COMM. URIEL (Looking concerned):  "Hmmm...ok."
 
 Our band of explorers leaves the bowling alley, and heads toward the battle
   bridge, which just HAPPENS to be on the same deck as the bowling alley.

     Meanwhile, Fuzzles the Cat is hiding behind a rack of bowling balls,
                          mindmelding with a wombat.

FUZZLES:  "Meow-meow...DANGER-meow."

WOMBAT:  " "

FUZZLES:  "Meow...am hungry...meow."

 The wombat breaks off the mindmeld with Fuzzles, and waddles away.  Fuzzles
  then proceeds to the ship's galley, where she finds a pot of Vulcan Pomete
             Soup.  Slightly congealed, but still somewhat tasty.

                 (Meanwhile...on the Battle Bridge of the JD)

COMM. CONDOR:  "Hmmm...interesting."

LT. MISTERB:  "What's the matter?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "According to this schematic of the main bridge, someone left
                the window open."

LT. PHANTOM:  "That's means..."

LT. MISTERB:  "Everyone was sucked out!"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "The proper term would be BLOWN out."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Hmmm...well, I don't think there's anything much we can do 
                here.  We'll take the ship's logs back to the Vaxerprise,
                and study them there."

LT. MISTERB:  "Yeah!  And we could probably build a cheery fire with them too!"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Oh...you ninny!  8)  CONDOR to Vaxerprise...5 to beam up!"
 
   LT. EINSTEIN promptly beams our merry band of trouble makers back to the
                               the Vaxerprise.

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I feel tingly!"

COMM. CONDOR:  "That's just the transporter effect.  EEEEK!  Where's FUZZLES?!"

LT. MISTERB:  "I think we left her."

COMM. CONDOR:  "LT. EINSTEIN!  Lock on to her signal, and bring her back
                please!"

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Sure thing."

 Lt. EINSTEIN reconfigures the transporter to bring over only cats; and since
   Fuzzles is the only cat over there, that's pretty easy.  Fuzzles is thus
 successfully transported from the JD, still licking her lips from the tasty
                          meal she's just ingested.
 

LT. MISTERB:  "Can I get out of this decontamination suit now?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Sure.  Oh...LT. PHANTOM, are you going up to the bridge?"

LT. PHANTOM:  "Yeah.  I'll tell the Captain of our progress."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Here...take these log entries with you."

LT. PHANTOM:  "Hmmm...ok."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Uh?  I hate to interrupt.  But, why is Fuzzles licking her
                lips?"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "Probably because she's just eaten."

LT. MISTERB:  "EATEN?!  EVERYBODY!  RUN!"

  MISTERB & URIEL dash from the transporter room, while EINSTEIN and CONDOR
                       gaze with curiosity at Fuzzles.
 
LT. EINSTEIN:  "Did you feed her while you were over there?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "No I didn't.  I wonder what she could have gotten into?"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I feel nauseated."

FUZZLES:  "Meow...*hic-BLOP*"

LT. EINSTEIN:  "HEY!  Now look!  I work hard to keep this place clean!"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Sorry about that.  Come on Fuzzles, I'll take you home and
                clean you up."

FUZZLES:  "Meow-meow...WOMBAT-meow."

COMM. CONDOR (with a look of astonishment on his face):  "Hmmm...how odd."

   COMM. CONDOR leaves transporter room #4 with Fuzzles, while LT. EINSTEIN
                         cleans the transporter pad.
 
 
COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "You know what?  I wish I had more lines in this story.
                       My character is stagnating."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Tell me about it!  The writers of this story SUCK!"

                    (Meanwhile...back on the main bridge)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "So you're trying to tell me, that besides the unconscious
                 people strewn about the ship, it was also infested with
                 wombats?"

LT. PHANTOM:  "Yeah...that's about the size of it.  Funny.  The engineering
               section was teeming with them, and I don't know why."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Maybe they were carrying a shipment of wombats to a penal
                 colony or something; and perhaps they got loose?"

LT. PHANTOM:  "Nah.  That sounds too silly."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I'm going to go into my ready room and review the logs again." 

   COMM. CONDOR, after taking Fuzzles back to his quarters, arrives on the
    bridge.  Unbeknownst to our heroes, CONDOR has been infected with the
        same illness that the crew of the JACK DANIELS was exposed to.

COMM. CONDOR:  "Hey kids!  What's shakin'?"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "Excuse me?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "You know...how's it hangin?"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "Uh...ok, I guess."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Where's the captain?"

LT. RA:  "Mentally or physically?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Nevermind.  Computer!  ¿Donde esta El Capitan?"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "CAPT. TREKKER IS LOCATED IN THE MAIN BRIDGE'S READY ROOM."
 
COMM. CONDOR:  "Cool!"

                 (Meanwhile...in CAPT. TREKKER'S READY ROOM)

             _________ 
 .     ___---    o    ---___ 
     _-                     -_       _  ___________________________=====__ 
   _/                         \_    / ||                                  \ 
  /                             \   \_||___________________________     __/ 
 /                               \           | |                   ===== 
/                                 \          | | 
|              ______             |\-----____| | 
|            ,- __   --_          ||         `-'--,       .
|            |:(__)    _)=========||>           O |) 
|            `-______--           ||     ____,-,--'                          .
|                                 |/-----    | | 
\                                 /          | | 
 \                               /   _  _____|_|___________________=====___  
  \_                           _/   / ||                                   \ 
    \_                       _/     \_||___________________________     __ / 
  .   -___               ___-                                      =====     
          ---____o____--- 
                                      .

                              .


     (Capt. TREKKER is listening to one of CAPT. THENOSE's Log Entrees.)

RECORDING FROM JD:  "Captain's Log...stardate 44586.1...my crew has become
                     plagued by some bizarre ailment.  It may just be that
                     the crew needs an extensive amount of shoreleave, or
                     perhaps, everyone has decided to take up drinking as
                     a hobby.  My chief medical officer has run tests on
                     the crew, but no alcohol has been found in anyone's
                     blood.  Also, I have noticed a sudden preponderance
                     of wombats roaming the ship.  They are kind of cute.
                     But, I seem to be at a loss to explain the disappearance
                     my cheif engineer.  I wonder if..."

                                 *BEEP-BEEP*

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Computer...pause log replay.  COME!"                     

COMM. CONDOR:  "Hey Trekkie!  I just came to tell you that I love the way
                you'er running this ship!  Keep up the good work!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Uh...thanks.  Are you ok Number One?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "I'm fine!  And that away team!  Everything was as easy as
                pie!  Hmmm...PI?  3.14159265358979323846264328789..."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Uh...I think you should go to sick bay."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Why?  I'm as fit as a fiddle.  Look!"

(COMM. CONDOR leaps onto the Captain's desk, and begins doing the dance of JOY.)

    While doing this, his foot accidentally presses the erase button, and
        subsequently erases the log entree Capt. TREKKER was reading.

CAPT. TREKKER:  "AAAAUUGGGH!  NUMBER ONE!  Control yourself!"

COMM. CONDOR:  "If an interesting monster, can't have an interesting hairdo..."
 
  
      CAPT. TREKKER grabs COMM. CONDOR, and wrestles him to the ground.

CAPT. TREKKER:  "SECURITY!  Captain's READY ROOM!  On the double!"

                        (LT. PHANTOM enters the room)

LT. PHANTOM:  "What's the problem?!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Take COMMANDER CONDOR to sick bay!"

LT. PHANTOM:  "Aye sir."

COMM. CONDOR:  "...I just don't know WHAT this world is coming to.  Bobby-pins
                please..."

 LT. PHANTOM carries COMM. CONDOR down to sick bay, while CAPT. TREKKER tries
                 to salvage what was left of the log entries.

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Computer...resume replay of log entry."
 
SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "PLEASE SPECIFY."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "JACK DANIELS Captain's log entry...uh...stardate 44586.1."

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "LOG ENTRIES 44586.1 THROUGH 44587.9 HAVE BEEN ERASED."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "DAMN!  Hmm...THENOSE was saying something about infec...
                 Oh my GOD!  CONDOR's GOT...THE DISEASE!"

                     (Meanwhile...in transporter room #4)

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Hey BELGARATH!  All of a sudden, I feel pretty good.  My
                shoulder doesn't hurt anymore!"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "Nah...your mind is playing tricks on you."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Hmmm...are you going to the bridge?"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "Yes.  Eventually."
 
LT. EINSTEIN:  "I've got an idea.  How about if I send you up there via the
                transporter.  I've ALWAYS wanted to try that!"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "Are you sure that's safe?"

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Do Fermions have anti-symmetric wave functions?"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "Uh...I don't know.  Do they?"

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Nevermind.  Hop on the transporter pad."

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I hope you know what you're doing."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Trust me!  I'm your friend!"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "Hmmm...I think I feel sick."

                      (Meanwhile...down in engineering)

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Ok crew.  We're going to practice realigning the crystals."
 
ENSIGN PALLAS:  "Is this reconfiguration REALLY necessary?"

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "It always helps to practice."

ENSIGN PALLAS:  "NOT!"

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Mr. BLUE, please disengage the Dilithium Crystal Chamber."

ENSIGN BLUE:  "Disengaging."

                (Suddenly...Fuzzles runs into the engine room)

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Cool!  It's CONDOR's cat!  Come here kitty!"

FUZZLES:  "Meow!"

      LT. COMM. SIROTTO picks up Fuzzles, and is overcome by giddiness.
 
 
LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Hahaha!  I'm so pretty...oh so pretty!"

ENSIGN PALLAS:  "Excuse me?"

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Here, hold Fuzzles for a second."

ENSIGN PALLAS:  "I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH THAT CAT!  You know what that cat is
                 famous for...don't you?"

FUZZLES:  "Meow."

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Oh come on!  She won't hurt you!"

ENSIGN PALLAS:  "Oh...alright."

       SIROTTO hands Fuzzles over to PALLAS, and he too becomes giddy.

ENSIGN PALLAS:  "WHOA!  What a rush!"

FUZZLES:  "Meow."
 
                          (Meanwhile...in sick bay)

DR. BANDIT2:  "Because of your expertise in tourniquets, I'm giving you
               the field promotion of Doctor.  Congratulations."

FORMERLY NURSE DOC:  "Gee...thanks!"

          (LT. PHANTOM comes in, carrying CONDOR over her shoulder)

LT. PHANTOM:  "DR. BANDIT2!  I've got a patient for you."

DR. BANDIT2:  "What seems to be the problem?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Don't look aht da fingah, oh you'll miss ahll da heavenly
                gloree!"

DR. DOC:  "Hmmm...I see he's been drinking PEPSI again."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Blasphemy!  P**** is the work of SATAN!"
 
 
DR. BANDIT2:  "Leave him here.  We'll keep him under surveillance."

LT. PHANTOM:  "Sure thing.  You know what?  All of a sudden, I feel...
               kinda hoopy."  8)

DR. BANDIT2:  "Uh...yeah."

        (LT. PHANTOM returns to the bridge, singing the theme to CATS)

DR. DOC:  "Wow...that was odd.  So CONDOR, what seems to be the problem?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Don't think...feeeee-uhl."

DR. BANDIT2:  "Huh?"

                       (Meanwhile...back on the bridge)

LT. MISTERB:  "Ugh!  I've got cat fur on my uniform!  BLEH!"

LT. RA:  "STOP WHINING!"

LT. MISTERB:  "I'm NOT whining!  I'm stating a fact!"

LT. RA:  "You're STILL WHINING!"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "LOOK!  BOTH OF YOU...SHUT UP!"

LT. MISTERB & LT. RA:  "HEY!  *YOU* SHUT UP!"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "I'LL KICK BOTH YOUR BUTTS!  NOW LAY OFF!"

LT. MISTERB:  "OH YEAH!  Let's get him RA!"

LT. RA:  "HO!"

Suddenly, a knock-down, drag-out fight insues on the bridge, just as BELGARATH
                     appears in front of the viewscreen.

                        *Sound of Transporter Effect*

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "Wow!  That was neat!  Hmmm...I feel violence!"
 
      Then, without warning, BELGARATH is hit in the head with a chair.

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "OUCH!  I feel...faint."  *THUNK*

                  (Meanwhile...in the Captain's Ready Room.)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Captain's Log...Stardate 44588.4...My first officer has
                 taken ill with the same malady that has infected the
                 crew of the JACK DANIELS.  I'm uncertain as to whether
                 the infection has spread beyond CONDOR.  Hopefully,
                 by sending him down to sickbay, I've helped to isolate
                 the..."

        (Suddenly, the sound of breaking furniture is heard outside.)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "What in the..."

     CAPT. TREKKER walks onto the bridge, narrowly missing being hit by a
                              flying harmonica.
 
 
CAPT. TREKKER:  "WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE!"

LT. MISTERB:  "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS...PENCIL HEAD!"

     Lt. MISTERB hurls a baseball bat at Capt. TREKKER, but inadvertantly
             hits LT. PHANTOM as she comes out of the Turbo-Lift.

LT. PHANTOM:  "OUCH!  WATCH WHERE YOU'RE THROWING THOSE THINGS!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "HEY!  BREAK IT UP!  ALL OF YOU!"

LT. RA:  "MISTERB started it!"

LT. MISTERB:  "No I didn't!  YOU DID!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "All 3 of you are confined to your quarters!"

LT. PHANTOM:  "Wait Captain!  If you do that, you and I will be the only
               ones on the bridge!"
 
 
LT. COMM. URIEL:  "Like HE cares!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I WILL NOT TOLERATE INSUBORDINATION!  I expect all of you
                 to..."

                     (Suddenly...LT. MISTERB disappears.)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "HEY!  COME BACK HERE!  DON'T DEMATERIALIZE WHEN I'M SCOLDING
                 YOU!  Transporter Room!  TRANSPORTER ROOM!"

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Yeeeees!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Are you responsible for transporting MISTERB off the bridge?"

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Hey!  That's my job ain't it?!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I would appreciate it if you didn't go randomly transporting
                 my crew without my permission!  Got that?"

LT. MISTERB:  "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS...PENCIL HEAD!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Captain's Log...Stardate 44588.6...My entire crew is on the
                 verge of mental collapse!  An away team, led by my first
                 officer (COMM. CONDOR), has inadvertently brought back a
                 bizarre virus which has infected the entire crew. 
                 Fortunately, I have skillfully avoided being infected.  I'm
                 currently on my way to Transporter Room #4, to stop LT. 
                 EINSTEIN from randomly beaming people all over the ship.
                 End of Log."

Shortly after CAPT. TREKKER leaves the turbo-lift, and runs down the corridor
           to the Transporter room, he is stopped by YEOMAN BLAND.

YEOMAN BLAND:  "Ooooh Captain!"  8)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Yes yeoman?"

YEOMAN BLAND:  "*KISS*"  

    YEOMAN BLAND plants a big soppy wet kiss on the lips of Capt. TREKKER.

CAPT. TREKKER:  "AAAUUUGGGH!  YOU KISSED ME?!!  YOU'VE GOT IT DON'T YOU?!"

YEOMAN BLAND:  "You bet your bippy I do...sweet cheeks!"  8)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "NOOOOOO!  THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING TO ME!  I'LL LOSE COMMAND!
                 AAAAUUUGH!  MR. BLAND, YOU'RE CONFINED TO YOUR QUARTERS!"

YEOMAN BLAND:  "Anything you say...sugar bumps."  8)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "AAAAUUUUGGGHH!  THIS IS DISGUSTING!!!"

Capt. TREKKER, totally distraught over the fact that he's just been kissed by
a carrier of the dreaded illness, promptly curls up in a ball in the corridor.

CAPT. TREKKER (Weeping bitterly):  "NO!  THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!  I CAN'T
                                    CATCH THIS THING!  I MUST MAINTAIN...
                                    MAINTAIN...DAMN!  I CAN'T EVEN FINISH
                                    A SENTENCE!  *sniff*  WE'RE DOOMED!"
 
            .
                        __                         __       .
                       /__\        __---__        /__\
      .              __\__/_____---.--.--.---_____\__/__                  .
                     \____\\_______\__:__/_______//____/
                            \\_   \__| |__/   _//
                              \\_   `| |'   _//
        .                       \\..=====..//         .          .
                   .             `/|||||||\'
                                 |_-------_|                              .
                                  \       /
             .                     `-----'
                                      .
 

  Meanwhile...in a nearby sector, we encounter a large yellow spacecraft as
   large as 9 city blocks.  We join the crew of this bizarre spacecraft, as
 it prepares to enter the sector in which our heroes are currently loitering.

   (The following dialogue has been translated for your viewing pleasure.)

VOGON FIRST OFFICER:  "Captain...we're about to enter Sector 1853."

VOGON CAPTAIN:  "Very well.  What's our status."

VOGON FIRST OFFICER:  "Hmmm...odd.  There is a vessel in the next sector, and
                       it's directly in our path."

VOGON CAPTAIN:  "Damn!  Open hailing frequencies."

VOGON FIRST OFFICER:  "Open...sir."

VOGON CAPTAIN:  "ATTENTION INTERLOPERS!  THIS IS CAPTAIN THUBAN OF THE IMPERIAL
                 VOGON CONSTRUCTOR FLEET!  YOU MUST LEAVE THE AREA!  WE ARE
                 CONSTRUCTING A HYPERSPACE BYPASS THROUGH THIS SECTOR."
  

VOGON FIRST OFFICER:  "Hmmm...no response."

VOGON TACTICAL OFFICER:  "Sir.  We've just detected another ship in the same
                          sector.  It however seems to be inoperative."

VOGON CAPTAIN:  "DAMN!  What is this?!  We've been planning this thing for
                 months!  And all of a sudden aliens are getting in our way!"

VOGON FIRST OFFICER:  "Maybe we should repeat the message.  Maybe one of the
                       vessels will respond?"

VOGON CAPTAIN:  "Very well.  ATTENTION MISCHIEF MAKERS!  THIS IS CAPTAIN
                 THUBAN OF THE VOGON CONSTRUCTOR FLEET.  YOUR LIVES ARE
                 IN GRAVE DANGER!  IN LESS THAN 2 HOURS, A SERIES OF
                 STRATEGICALLY PLACED MINES WILL DETONATE IN SECTOR 1853.
                 THE RESULTING EXPLOSION WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING IN THAT
                 SECTOR.  STARS, PLANETS, EVERYTHING.  YOU MUST LEAVE!"

VOGON FIRST OFFICER:  "Sir!  We're receiving a reply!"                 
 
 
VOGON CAPTAIN:  "Put it on screen."

LT. PHANTOM:  "This is CAPTAIN PHANTOM of the Federation Sillyship Vaxerprise!
               What is the meaning of this intrusion?!"

VOGON CAPTAIN:  "We are part of the Vogon Constructor Fleet's survey team.
                 We've come to examine the regions through which our HyperSpace
                 Bypass will be constructed."

LT. PHANTOM:  "HyperSpace Bypass?  What's that?"

VOGON CAPTAIN:  "It's like an I-75.  Just bigger."

LT. PHANTOM:  "So how does this influence us?"

VOGON CAPTAIN:  "Two months ago, we placed 8 high yield explosive mines in the
                 sector which you are now occupying.  In 2 hours, those mines
                 will automatically detonate, thus destroying all matter
                 within a 5 light year radius.  THIS MEANS YOU!"
 
 
LT. PHANTOM:  "So, what you're trying to say is, WE'RE DOOMED!"

VOGON CAPTAIN:  "That's about the size of it.  We have an obligation to at
                 least warn you before your impending demise."

LT. PHANTOM:  "Uh...thanks."

VOGON CAPTAIN:  "I suggest you notify your compatriots on the other vessel
                 nearby.  Remember, you have 2 hours.  Whether you're here
                 when it happens, is YOUR decision.  Trust me, you don't 
                 want to experience the explosive yield of our patented MINES-
                 -O-SHIVA.  By the way, would you like to hear some poetry?"

LT. PHANTOM:  "Uh...no thanks.  Thank you for your warning.  Vaxerprise out."

VOGON FIRST OFFICER:  "What an odd race of people.  Did you notice that
                       Betazoid doing the can-can in the background?"

VOGON CAPTAIN:  "How could you miss him?  He had a huge knot on his head.
                 It looks like a chair hit him."
 
VOGON FIRST OFFICER:  "Maybe it's a bizarre custom of some sort?"

VOGON CAPTAIN:  "With customs like THAT...they'll never amount to anything.
                 Let's get out of here.  We have 3 more sectors to secure.
                 Helmsman, take us to sector 1854, Warp 3."

VOGON HELMSMAN:  "Aye sir."

    The Vogon Survey Vessel warps out of the soon to be demolished sector.

              (Meanwhile...back on the bridge of the Vaxerprise)

LT. PHANTOM:  "OH MY GOD!  WE'RE GOING TO DIE!  COUNSELOR!  COUNSELOR!
               STOP DANCING!"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I FEEL HAPPY!!!  Hahaha!"  8)

LT. PHANTOM:  "Computer!  Engage Warp Drive!"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "WARP DRIVE IS INOPERATIVE."
 
LT. PHANTOM:  "WHAT?  EXPLAIN?!"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "THE DILITHIUM CRYSTAL CHAMBER HAS BEEN LEFT IN THE OPEN
                   POSITION.  DUE TO FAILSAFE PARAMETERS, WARP ENGINES WILL
                   NOT COME ON LINE WHILE THE CHAMBER IS IN ITS PRESENT
                   CONFIGURATION."

LT. PHANTOM:  "Eeeek!  PHANTOM TO ENGINEERING!  ENGINEERING!"

  Meanwhile...in sickbay, Chief Medical Officer BANDIT2 is running tests on
  COMM. CONDOR, to ascertain the extent of his affliction, while DOC listens
              to him drone on about various and sundry stuffies.

DR. BANDIT2:  "This is SO bizarre!  The synapses in his brain are firing
               randomly!"
               
COMM. CONDOR:  "Computer!  Set Food Replicator Locking Sequence.  Code 
                173467321476C32789777643T732V73117888732476789764376-LOCK!

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "ALL FOOD REPLICATORS ARE NOW LOCKED."
 
DR. DOC:  "OH NO!  WE'LL STARVE TO DEATH!"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Wheee!  Geen!  Geen!  Geen!  And the Lord didst say...HOOPY!"

DR. BANDIT2:  "We've got to stop this infection before it gets any worse!
               Since he was the first to be affected, I would imagine he
               could become comatose within the hour!"

DR. DOC:  "What are we going to do?"

DR. BANDIT2:  "Well...according to preliminary analysis, I've found traces
               of Vulcan Pomete Soup on his skin.  The soup was riddled
               with a foreign strain of bacterium that I've never seen before.
               Perhaps, if we could discover an antigen, I could..."

        (Suddenly, ENSIGN BRASSMAN enters sickbay, brandishing a foil)

    (For those of you who aren't into fencing, a FOIL is a sword thingy.)
 
 
ENSIGN BRASSMAN:  "EN GAURD!  HARLOTS!"

DR. DOC:  "EXCUSE ME?!  WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE CALLING A HARLOT?!"

ENSIGN BRASSMAN:  "You, my fine maiden!  Come away with me, and we shall
                   make beautiful music together!  *wink-wink*"  8)

DR. DOC:  "WATCH IT BUDDY!  I KNOW HAIKIDO!"

COMM. CONDOR:  "You haf ohfended my fahmilee...and you haf ohfended a
                Shaowlin Tempuhl!"

ENSIGN BRASSMAN:  "Huh?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Careful...I know Ninja Magic!"

DR. BANDIT2:  "Sit still CONDOR.  Ensign BRASSMAN, I think you should lie
               down.  You seem to be affected by..."

                    (Suddenly...ENSIGN BRASSMAN vanishes)
 
Like a well oiled machine, LT. EINSTEIN effectively Transports Ensign BRASSMAN
                               out of sickbay.

DR. BANDIT2:  "What in the WORLD is going ON HERE?!"

DR. DOC:  "It seems as if LT. EINSTEIN has also been affected."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Beer es un ga-ga oosy-fray!"  *THUNK*

                      (First Officer CONDOR passes out.)

Meanwhile, in one of the corridors near transporter room #4, we see LT. COMM.
  URIEL and LT. RA, roaming about the ship, singing lyrics from 2 Live Crew.

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "Heeey!  We want some Pooos-say!"
                  
LT. RA:  ""Heeey!  We want some Pooos-say!"

  Meanwhile, coming from the opposite direction is STONEWALL, BIGAL, SCRIB &
                           MISTERB...also singing.
 
ENSIGN BIGAL:  "THE ROOF!  THE ROOF!  THE ROOF IS ON FIRE!"

ENSIGN SCRIB:  "WE DON'T NEED NO WATER!  LET THE MOTHER F_CKA BURN!"

LT. MISTERB:  "Hey!  Watch your language!  This is a family show!"

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "Hey...EAT MY BUTT!"

LT. STONEWALL:  "MY MOMMA...YO MOMMA...HANGIN' OUT CLOTHES!"

ENSIGN SCRIB:  "MY MOMMY PUNCHED YO MOMMA IN THE..."

          Suddenly, the two groups converge on Capt. TREKKER, who's
                    still weeping hysterically on the floor.

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I tried SO hard.  *sniff*  All I wanted to be was a good
                 Captain.  Maybe a role model, even.  *sniff*  Oh, THE PAIN!"

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "Dude!  Looks like the Trekkster has hit rock bottom."
 
 
LT. COMM. URIEL:  "Sir?  Sir!  Are you ok?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "NO I'M NOT OK!   I HAVE NO CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES!"

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "Is that all?  I have a bag of Monkey Clumps with me.  Would
                you like some?"

CAPT. TREKKER (pounding his fists on the wall):  "I'VE LOST CONTROL!  I CAN'T
                                                  MAKE...MAKE...COMPLETE...
                                                  SENTENCES!!  WE'RE DOOMED!"

LT. PHANTOM:  "PHANTOM TO TREKKER...CAPT TREKKER?"

LT. RA:  "PHANTOM?  Old Trekkie is a wee bit out of sorts at the moment.  Can
          we take a message."

LT. PHANTOM:  "We just received a message from the VOGON CONSTRUCTOR FLEET!
               In 1 hour and 30 minutes, everything in this sector will be
               be destroyed.  INCLUDING US!"
 
 
LT. STONEWALL:  "Where are you PHANTOM?"

LT. PHANTOM:  "I'm on the bridge.  I've tried engaging the warp engines, but
               the dilithium crystal chamber has been left open!  I've tried
               to contact engineering, but all I'm hearing is squeeky noises!"

LT. MISTERB:  "Last week...us Fritos rustlers came upon a whole new breed!
               RANCH Fritos!  They looked kinda wild, but they was actually
               sorta mild!  Shoot!  One even let Luke pet it!"

LT. PHANTOM:  "Huh?"

LT. STONEWALL:  "We're just down the hall from Transporter Room #4. ENSIGN
                 SCRIB and I will bring the Captain to the bridge, while
                 MISTERB and BIGAL go to Engineering."

LT. PHANTOM:  "Ok.  Counselor BELGARATH is up here with me.  I'll see you
               soon."
               
LT. STONEWALL:  "Later.  Ok SCRIB, you grab his right arm, I'll get his left." 
 
CAPT. TREKKER:  "MURDERERS!  ASSASSINS!  AAAIIIIEEEE!"  8(

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "Come on Russ, let's go yodelin'!"

LT. RA:  "Sure thing!  Yodel-ay-he-hooo!"

   LT. STONEWALL and ENSIGN SCRIB carry our valiant, yet bummed out Captain
        up to the bridge, while URIEL and RA continue their wandering.

                     (Meanwhile...in Transporter Room #4)

ENSIGN BRASSMAN:  "How'd you do that?"

LT. EINSTEIN:  "It's called a transporter.  I'm the transporter chief,
                and transportin' stuff is my job."

ENSIGN BRASSMAN:  "Oh YEAH!  Take THAT you knave!"

    Ensign BRASSMAN slices a large letter B into the front of LT. EINSTEIN's
                                   Uniform.
 
LT. EINSTEIN:  "HEY!  I JUST HAD THIS PRESSED!"

ENSIGN BRASSMAN:  "You sir...are a MENTAL CASE!  hahah!"

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Oh REALLY?  HA!"

         (LT. EINSTEIN transports ENSIGN BRASSMAN to Shuttle Bay #2)

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Ah...sweet satisfaction!"  8)

                          (Meanwhile...in sick bay)

ENSIGN ZENMASTER:  "Can I go now...PLEASE?!  Can I please...huh...can I?"

DR. BANDIT2:  "NO!"

ENSIGN ZENMASTER:  "Whyyyy  nooooot?!"

DR. BANDIT2:  "Because you have a piece of SHRAPNEL in your leg!"
 
ENSIGN ZENMASTER:  "SINCE WHEN DID THIS BECOME A TOTALITARIAN STATE?!
                    ALL YOU FASCISTS ARE ALIKE!  YOU SEQUESTER INNOCENT
                    PEOPLE OFF THE STREETS, CHAIN THEM IN DARK, FETID
                    BASEMENTS, FEED THEM SUBSTANDARD FOOD, AND YOU KEEP
                    THEM HOSTAGE FOR YOUR OWN NEFARIOUS ENDS!  I HATE YOU!"

DR. BANDIT2:  "Oh PLEASE!  Get a life!"

ENSIGN ZENMASTER:  "HMMMPH...IF DISGUSTING MAN WERE HERE, YOU WOULD CHANGE
                    YOUR TONE, MY PRETTY!"

DR. DOC:  "Hmmm...sounds like it's time for Mr. Sedative."

DR. BANDIT2:  "I agree wholeheartedly."

ENSIGN ZENMASTER:  "AH!  TRYING TO DRUG ME...EH?  WELL YOUR TRUTH SERUM WON'T
                    WORK...DO YOU HEAR ME?!  IT WON'T.  IF YOU EXPECT ME TO
                    TALK...YOU'RE SADLY MISTAKEN!"

DR. DOC:  "No...we expect you to SHUT UP!"
 
ENSIGN ZENMASTER:  "ALL PHYSICIANS ARE EVIL!  EVIL I SAY!"

DR. BANDIT2:  "PLEASE...SHUT UP!  GEEZE!"

  BANDIT2, chief medical officer, injects a sedative into ENSIGN ZENMASTER's
                                     arm.

ENSIGN ZENMASTER:  "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME LADY!  MARK MY WORDS!
                    BEFORE THE COCK CROWS THREE TIMES...I SHALL WREAK MY
                    MIGHTY VENGENCE UPON THEE!  AND WHEN I DO, YOU'LL
                    RUE THE DAY YOU...Z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z..."

DR. DOC:  "THANK GOD!"

DR. BANDIT2:  "You're welcome."  8)

    LT. STONEWALL and ENSIGN SCRIB are currently in a turbo-lift bound for
                     the bridge, carrying Capt. TREKKER.

CAPT. TREKKER (Weeping hysterically):  "I WANT MY CHIPS-AHOY!  *sniff* "
 
LT. STONEWALL:  "Captain.  You can't let this get to you.  Everything will 
                 be fine."

ENSIGN SCRIB:  "Yeah...If I broke down into tears everytime I lost control
                of a situation...I'd...I'd..."

LT. STONEWALL:  "...have trouble completing sentences?"

ENSIGN SCRIB:  "YEAH!  THAT'S IT!  Sentences."  8)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "YOU SEE!  IT'S SPREADING!!!  OOOOH! *sniff* WE'RE DOOMED!"

             (Suddenly ENSIGN BANDIT1 appears in the Turbo-lift)

ENSIGN BANDIT1:  "Hey!  This is neat!  Anybody want to buy cosmetics?"

LT. STONEWALL:  "Uh...no."

ENSIGN BANDIT1:  "I didn't think so.  You know...EINSTEIN is transporting
                  folks around the ship.  You should try it sometime."
 
ENSIGN SCRIB:  "NOT!"

ENSIGN BANDIT1:  "Hmmm...well, I see I'm not wanted here.  I think I'll..."

                         (Suddenly BANDIT1 vanishes)

LT. STONEWALL:  "God...that's annoying!"

  We now shift our venue to the Biochem Lab, where Acting Ensign RASHEED is
           showing his Science experiment to his Biology professor.

RASHEED:  "So?  How do you like it?"

LT. ARIEL:  "Hmmm...I've never seen anything like it before.  How long did it
             take you to grow such a large fungus culture?"

RASHEED:  "3 hours!  It's a mutated hybrid of Pencillium Mold, and Peruvian
           Root Rot!  Ain't that neat?"

LT. ARIEL:  "UGH!  It sounds...lovely."  *gulp*
 
RASHEED:  "Notice all the spores it's produced!  *SHAKE-SHAKE-SHAKE*"

LT. ARIEL:  "Stop THAT!  You'll get it all over the rug!"

RASHEED:  "Sorry.  So?  Do I get the A?"

LT. ARIEL:  "Yeah...I guess so.  Leave it here so that I can examine it."

RASHEED:  "Sure thing.  By the way...there's something I haven't told you
           about the spores."

LT. ARIEL:  "Which is?"

                      (Suddenly...a wombat scurries in.)

LT. ARIEL & RASHEED:  "*GASP*!"

      (Meanwhile...in room which houses the Vaxerprises main computer.)

LT. SILVERFIRE:  "Hey GORF!  Hand me that Isolinear chip, please."
 
ENSIGN GORF:  "Sure thing.  Here you go."

LT. SILVERFIRE:  "There!  That should do it.  Close it up."

ENSIGN GORF:  "Well it's about time!"  *Click-click*

LT. SILVERFIRE:  "The computer was swarming with nanites!  It takes
                  time to clean them out."

ENSIGN GORF:  "Do you think we got all of them?"

LT. SILVERFIRE:  "Let's check.  Computer!  What is the nature of the universe?"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "WHAT KIND OF A DUMB QUESTION IS THAT?"

LT. SILVERFIRE:  "Yeah...we got most of them.  But, you can never tell for
                  sure."

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "WARNING...THERE IS A LOCAL BUILD UP OF SUBSPACE DISTORTION.
                   DANGER IS IMMINENT IN APPROXIMATELY ONE HOUR."
 
LT. SILVERFIRE:  "Well...THAT'S comforting!  We fix the computer, and the
                  first thing it tells us, is that we're going to die!"

ENSIGN GORF:  "Isn't that what it always does?"

LT. SILVERFIRE:  "Uh...yeah.  I guess it does."

ENSIGN GORF:  "Come on.  Let's go to Ten Forward, I'll buy you a Figgy Fizz."

LT. SILVERFIRE:  "Cool!"

  GORF and SILVERFIRE leave the Main Computer Room, and wend their way up to
Ten Forward, meanwhile...down in Engineering, LT. MISTERB and ENSIGN BIGAL are
                       about to enter the Engine Room.

LT. MISTERB:  "Hmmm...the door's locked."

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "Break it down!"

LT. MISTERB:  "Dummy!  You can't break down a sliding door!"
 
                                   *FWOOSH*

Z:  "You CAN if you try!"  8)

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "Eeek!  Who in the Hell are you?!"

Z:  "My name is Z!  What's it to ya?"  8)

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "Oh nuthin'...just curious."

LT. MISTERB:  "BEAT IT, TOAD!  THIS DOESN'T CONCERN YOU!"

Z:  "Surely you jest?!"  8)

LT. MISTERB:  "No...I'm serious!  And don't call me Shirley."

Z:  "Ok...as you wish..."  8)

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "WAIT!  Before you go...could you open the door for us?"
 
Z:  "Sure.  But you won't like what you'll see inside."  8)

LT. MISTERB:  "We'll take our chances."

                   *Beep-beep..*sound of door sliding open*

Z:  "See ya!"  8)    *FWOOSH*

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "Holy Guacamole!  The engine room is crawling with WOMBATS!"

LT. MISTERB:  "AAUUUGH!  DON'T SAY THAT WORD!"

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "What?  Guacamole?"

LT. MISTERB:  "NO!  Wombat."

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "Hmmm...look at all the uniforms on the floor.  I wonder if
                there's any connection between the wombats, and the missing
                engineers?"
 
LT. MISTERB:  "I doubt it."

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "MAYBE...the wombats ATE the engineers!  AAaaiiiee!"

LT. MISTERB:  "Nope.  That's impossible.  Wombats are herbivorous marsupials.
               Similar to koala bears, just funnier looking."

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "Herbivorous?  They eat people named Herb?!"

LT. MISTERB:  "MAN!  It's like talking to the cat!"

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "OH YEAH...MISTER FRITO RUSTLER?!"

LT. MISTERB:  "Hey!  Is it my fault I have a sharp wit?"

LT. PHANTOM:  "PHANTOM TO ENGINEERING.  IS ANYONE THERE?"

LT. MISTERB:  "Yeah...Ensign BIGAL and I are here."

LT. PHANTOM:  "So what's the problem down there?"
 
LT. MISTERB:  "The engine room seems to be crawling with wombats.  No
               engineers.  Just wombats!  Oh...and lots of engineering
               uniforms."

LT. PHANTOM:  "Great SCOTT!  This sector is going to be toast in 45 minutes!
               We've got to get the engines on line before then!  See if you
               can close the dilithium chamber."

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "Sure thing."

    (BIGAL walks over to the dilithium chamber, and REMOVES the crystal.)

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "WOW!  So THIS is a dilithium crystal?!  I always wondered
                what they looked like."

LT. MISTERB:  "HEY!  PUT THAT BACK!  YOU'LL BREAK IT!"

ENSING BIGAL:  "Hey!  Calm yourself!  I've been handling stuff like this
                for years!  I'm fully capable of...WHOOPS!"   *SMASH*
 
LT. MISTERB:  "Oh well...we're dead."

LT. PHANTOM:  "What was that noise?"

LT. MISTERB:  "DUFUS here just DROPPED a $4,000 dilithium crystal!"

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "Heh-heh...4 grand?  For a hunk of rock?"  8)

LT. PHANTOM:  "AAUUUGGH!  WE'RE DOOMED!"  *THUNK*

                            (LT. PHANTOM faints.)

LT. MISTERB:  "Lt. PHANTOM?  Yoo-hoo?  Are you there?"

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "She's gone man.  Let's split this joint.  These wombats give
                me the creeps."

LT. MISTERB:  "Ok.  How about we go up to Ten Forward for a drink?"

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "Sounds GREAT!  I'll race ya!"
 
   Meanwhile...on the main bridge, LT. STONEWALL and ENSIGN SCRIB leave the
             turbo-lift, carrying a grief stricken Capt. TREKKER.

LT. STONEWALL:  "Hey!  What's LT. PHANTOM doing on the floor?"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "Not a heck of a lot.  She fainted after BIGAL dropped
                       a $4,000 dilithium crystal.  I guess you could say,
                       People who live in glass houses, shouldn't..."

ENSIGN SCRIB:  "HEY!  NO PUNS!  What do you think this is?  MBBS?"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "Well...actually..."

LT. STONEWALL:  "Come on SCRIB, let's put the Captain in his ready room."

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I feel sadness.  But it's a Happy kind of sadness." 8)

(Meanwhile...several decks below, LT. STONEWALL's girlfriend WINSOME is being
                visited by her dearest & closest friend DIVA.)
 
LT. WINSOME:  "DARN IT!"

ENSIGN DIVA:  "What's the matter?"

LT. WINSOME:  "The darn food replicator is broken!  I invited STONEWALL over
               for dinner, and now, I have nothing to give him."

ENSIGN DIVA:  "Why don't you do what *I* do in those situations?"

LT. WINSOME:  "Which is?"

ENSIGN DIVA:  "Phil (aka LT. COMM. VISION) usually eats so much, the food
               replicator can't keep up.  So I usually sing to him, and that
               calms him down."

LT. WINSOME (with a doubtful look on her face):  "Yeah...RIGHT!"

ENSIGN DIVA:  "Honest!  I just sing a few choruses from La Bohéme, and he's
               as calm as a kitten."
 
LT. WINSOME:  "I think I'll just stick to Ten Forward.  We'll go have dinner
               there.  Let me call and tell him.  WINSOME to STONEWALL.
               You there Doug?"

            (We shift our viewpoint to Capt. TREKKER's ready room)

LT. STONEWALL:  "Yeah...I'm here babe.  What's up?"

LT. WINSOME:  "The food replicator is broken.  Do you want to go have dinner
               in Ten Forward instead?"

LT. STONEWALL:  "Sounds great!  I'll meet you there in 10 minutes."

LT. WINSOME:  "Wonderful!  See you there.  WINSOME out."

ENSIGN SCRIB:  "What a gal."  8)

LT. STONEWALL:  "Hey!  What can I say?  We were made for each other."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "God...I'm so depressed.  WHY DO THESE THINGS HAPPEN TO ME?!"
 
LT. STONEWALL:  "Just sit here sir.  We'll get you some Chocolate Chip
                 Cookies."

  (ENSIGN SCRIB shuffles over to the Captain's handy-dandy food replicator.)

ENSIGN SCRIB:  "Computer!  One plate of 15 Chips-Ahoy Chocolate Chip Cookies."

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "PLEASE ENTER ACCESS CODE."

ENSIGN SCRIB:  "Huh?"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "IN ORDER TO OPERATE THIS FOOD REPLICATOR, YOU MUST ENTER
                   THE ACCESS CODE."

ENSIGN SCRIB:  "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  Is it locked or something?"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "AFFIRMATIVE."

ENSIGN SCRIB:  "WHO LOCKED IT?!"
 
SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "COMMANDER CONDOR."

ENSIGN SCRIB:  "DANG!  Uh...STONEWALL?  We can't get any cookies."

LT. STONEWALL:  "Uh...oh.  What are we going to do?"

CAPT. TREKKER (with tears in his eyes):  "There's a box of cookies in the
                                          cabinet on the far wall.  Third
                                          drawer, on the left side, toward 
                                          the back."

LT. STONEWALL:  "Oooo-kay?"

   ENSIGN SCRIB successfully rifles through the cabinet and finds a box of
       Chocolate Chip Cookies.  He promptly hands one to CAPT. TREKKER.

CAPT. TREKKER (crunching away):  "YUMM!  *CRUNCH-CRUNCH*  I feel MUCH better
                                  now!  I think I'll stay here for a while
                                  guys!"  8)
 
LT. STONEWALL:  "Very well sir.  We'll see ya later."

ENSIGN SCRIB:  "And if you need anything else...just call..."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Ok!  BEAT IT!  I've got my cookies!  I don't need any of you!"

LT. STONEWALL:  "Yes sir.  Come on SCRIB, let's go."

ENSIGN SCRIB:  "Wow!  Talk about your mood swings."

 Lt. STONEWALL and Ensign SCRIB leave the captain's ready room, and head for
  Ten Forward.  Meanwhile...we join RASHEED and company in the Biochem Lab.

RASHEED:  "Why is that wombat wallowing in the spores?"

LT. ARIEL:  "I'm not sure.  Maybe it has to scratch an itch or something."

RASHEED:  "Funny?  The wombat looks awfully familiar.  It almost looks like..."

                              *FWOOMP...KA-POW*
 
RASHEED & LT. ARIEL:  "PALLAS!"

LT. PALLAS:  "Happy Birthday!  EEEEK!  I'M NAKED!"

RASHEED:  "DUDE!  How'd you do that?"

LT. ARIEL:  "Eeep!  Let me get you a towel."

LT. PALLAS:  "Uh...I don't know.  Last thing I remember, I was singing the
              theme to Gilligan's Island when..."

                      (LT. ARIEL hands PALLAS a towel.)

LT. PALLAS:  "...thanks.  LT. COMM. SIROTTO turned into a wombat!"

LT. ARIEL:  "Hmmm...I wonder if Dr. BANDIT2 knows about this?"

             (Suddenly LT. COMM. URIEL wanders in, accidentally.)

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "What the hell is going on here?!"
 
LT. PALLAS:  "Nothing sir.  I was just..."

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "STRIPPING FOR THE LADIES...EH?"

RASHEED:  "I'm not a lady!"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "THIS WON'T LOOK FAVORABLE ON YOUR REPORT LEIUTENANT!"

LT. PALLAS:  "BUT SIR..."

RASHEED:  "I'm not a lady!"

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "TUT-TUT...NONE OF YOUR FEEBLE EXCUSES!  IT'S ABOUT TIME
                   SOMEONE PUT HIS FOOT DOWN AROUND HERE.  THE IDEA!  I
                   EXPECT YOU TO BE DRESSED AND BACK AT YOUR POST IN 10
                   MINUTES!  YOU GOT THAT?"

LT. PALLAS:  "Yes sir."

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "Very well!  Carry on folks."
 
RASHEED:  "I'm not a lady!"

LT. PALLAS:  "OK!  WE GET THE POINT!  Sheesh!"  8)

RASHEED:  "Hmmmph.  I don't like the insinuation.  By the way.  You seem to
           be a lot hairier than you used to."

LT. ARIEL:  "Maybe it's a side effect?"

LT. PALLAS:  "Or maybe I'm just a walking mass of testosterone?"

LT. ARIEL & RASHEED:  "NOT!"

 LT. COMM. URIEL leaves the Biochem Lab, and strolls around the ship.  During
his tirade in the Lab, he inhaled enough spores that they began to counteract
the effects of the infection.  Although he is unaware of it, he's returning to
  normal.  Meanwhile...in Ten Forward, everyone and his brother seems to be
                there, and the crowd is starting to get rowdy.
 
ALFALFA:  "Computer!  I need 16 more Figgy Fizzes!  PRONTO!"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "PLEASE ENTER ACCESS CODE."

ALFALFA:  "I DON'T KNOW THE ACCESS CODE?!"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "THIS FOOD PROCESSOR IS INOPERABLE WITH OUT THE ACCESS CODE."

The unruly mob of infected crew members, along with a few of the uninfected,
                               begin chanting.

UNRULY MOB:  "WE WANT FIGGY FIZZ!  WE WANT FIGGY FIZZ!"

ALFALFA:  "I CAN'T ACCESS THE FOOD PROCESSOR!  Darn it!  COMPUTER!  WHO LOCKED
           THE FOOD PROCESSORS?"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "COMM. CONDOR."

ENSING BIGAL:  "Condor?!  Next time I see him, I'll kick his _ss!"
 
LT. MISTERB:  "You can't do that.  He'll have you court martialed."

UNRULY MOB:  "WE WANT FIGGY FIZZ!  WE WANT FIGGY FIZZ!"

LT. WINSOME:  "I think I chose the wrong time to come to Ten Forward."

ENSIGN DIVA:  "Yep."

LT. SILVERFIRE:  "What's the problem ALFA?"

ALFALFA:  "Condor has managed to lock the food processors, and I've run out
           of Figgy Fizz."

LT. SILVERFIRE:  "Hmmm...Computer!  Locate Commander Condor!"

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "COMMANDER CONDOR IS LOCATED IN SICKBAY."

ALFALFA:  "ALFALFA TO SICKBAY!  DR. BANDIT2...I NEED YOUR HELP!"

DR. BANDIT2:  "BANDIT2 here.  What's the problem?"

ALFALFA:  "COMM. CONDOR HAS LOCKED THE FOOD PROCESSORS, AND I'VE RUN OUT OF
           FIGGY FIZZ!"
 
DR. BANDIT2:  "Oh dear.  I was afraid this would happen.  Unfortunately, Comm.
               Condor is unconscious."

ALFALFA:  "UNCONSCIOUS!  I'VE GOT A MOB OF WEIRDOS BEGGING ME FOR FIGGY FIZZES!"

DR. BANDIT2:  "I'll try to wake him.  BANDIT2 out."

ALFALFA:  "Oh dear.  ATTENTION!  MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE.  DUE TO A
           TECHNICAL DIFFICULTY, TEN FORWARD WILL BE CLOSING FOR THE EVENING.
           Thank you."

UNRULY MOB:  "WHAT?!  WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS OUTRAGE?!"

ALFALFA:  "First officer Condor..."

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "I'm going to kick his butt!"

                     (Suddenly LT. COMM. URIEL walks in.)

UNRULY MOB:  "HEY!  HE'S ONE OF CONDOR'S FRIENDS!  LET'S GET HIM!"
 
SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "WARNING...RADIATION LEVELS ARE INCREASING EXPONENTIALLY.
                   FATAL EXPOSURE IN 30 MINUTES."

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "AAAaaaaiiee!"

   The unruly mob approaches URIEL, carrying broken bottles of Figgy Fizz.
Unfortunately, he's only carrying a half charged phaser.  Using great dexterity
      he manages to stun a few of the most forboding of his adversaries.

LT. COMM. URIEL:  "TASTE MY FIREY WRATH...PAGAN SCUM!"

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "I'LL KICK YOUR...OOP!"  *THUNK*

ENSIGN GORF:  "Hey!  He just shot my friend!  I'm going to kick..."

LT. MISTERB:  "GORF!  DUCK!"

         Ensign GORF narrowly misses being zapped by URIEL's phaser when
                       suddenly, LT. VENKMAN walks in.
 
LT. VENKMAN:  "Hey ALFALFA!  Got any Figgy...OOP!"  *THUNK*

LT. COMM. URIEL (Thinking to himself):  "These people are insane!  I should
                                         have done this sooner!  DIE HEATHENS!"

                           (Meanwhile...in sickbay)

DR. BANDIT2:  "Come on Commander!  Wake up!  None of these stimulants seem to
               be working.  Darn it!"

LT. ARIEL:  "ARIEL TO SICKBAY!  DR. BANDIT2...are you there?"

DR. BANDIT2:  "Yes.  What's the matter."

LT. ARIEL:  "I think we've found a cure to this thing.  RASHEED and I are in
             the Biochem Lab."

DR. BANDIT2:  "EXCELLENT!  I'm on my way!  BANDIT2 out.  DOC...watch Condor
               for me.  I'll be right back."

		    .   __                         __            .
                       /  \        __---__        /  \
                     __\__/_____---_______---_____\__/__
                     \_________________________________/
                            \\_   \_______/   _//                       .
          .                   \\_   `---'   _//
                                \\..-|_|-..//
.                .               `/ .---. \'                 .
                                 | |  o  | |
                                  \ `-_-' /
                                   `-----'


                            ---------------------

                      Will the Vaxerprise be destroyed?

                         Will ALFALFA lose her mind?

         Now that he's cured, will URIEL stun everyone in Ten Foward?

_____________________________________________________________________

TUNE IN THIS EVENING...for the answers to these and other BAFFLING questions!

Coming soon...THE CONCLUSION!

_____________________________________________________________________

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