Vaxtrek II - Conclusion
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When we last left our somewhat intoxicated crew, ALFALFA was attempting to
quell a riot in Ten Forward, as chief medical officer BANDIT2 rushed to the
Biochem Lab to obtain the cure for the ship-wide illness. Meanwhile,
numerous explosive mines, planted by the VOGON CONSTRUCTOR FLEET, are scheduled
to detonate in less than 30 minutes. We now join COUNSELOR BELGARATH and
and a newly awakened LT. PHANTOM, on the bridge of the Vaxerprise.
COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "Hmmm...all is not well."
LT. PHANTOM: "Oh REALLY?!"
COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "I can feel it. Don't ask me how, but..."
ALFALFA: "ALFALFA TO BRIDGE. Is the Captain there?"
LT. PHANTOM: "Hello. PHANTOM here. The Captain's in his ready room.
Why do you ask?"
ALFALFA: "Well...we seem to be having a little RIOT down here. I was just
wondering if security could..."
LT. PHANTOM: "I'm on my way! Counselor, notify the captain of our status.
I'll be right back. Provided the writers of this CRAP don't
kill me off!"
*FWOOSH*
Z: "Nope. Never happen. No way." 8)
*FWOOSH*
LT. PHANTOM: "SECURITY OFFICERS VENKMAN, STONEWALL, SCRIB, and BIGAL, please
meet in TEN FORWARD."
LT. STONEWALL: "STONEWALL TO PHANTOM. We're already here!"
LT. PHANTOM: "Very well! I'll be there in 2 minutes. Computer! Announce
the time remaining prior to mine detonation, incremented to
every five minutes."
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING. YOUR DESTRUCTION IS IMMINENT. DEATH WILL OCCUR
IN 25 MINUTES."
LT. PHANTOM: "Gee...thanks!"
LT. PHANTOM takes the high speed Turbo-Lift down to Ten Forward.
(Meanwhile...in the Biochem. Lab)
DR. BANDIT2: "Ok! What have you discovered?!"
LT. ARIEL: "TAKE A LOOK!"
Suddenly, (insert rank here) PALLAS walks in wearing his newly pressed uniform.
DR. BANDIT2: "Yeah? So?"
LT. ARIEL: "PALLAS was a WOMBAT! When he came in, he inhaled some of the
spores and was returned to normal!"
DR. BANDIT2: "WOW! Do you know what this means?!"
RASHEED: "YEAH! I'LL WIN THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR SURE, NOW!"
LT. PALLAS: "NOT!"
DR. BANDIT2: "NO...what I mean is, we could use the spores on EVERYBODY!
We could distribute them in the air conditioning system!"
LT. ARIEL: "Sure! And we can also beam some over to the JACK DANIELS!"
RASHEED: "I'll go get the other cultures."
DR. BANDIT2: "This is absolutely amazing. Tell me PALLAS, are ALL the
engineers wombats?"
LT. PALLAS: "Just about. Any of you guys have any eucalyptus leaves I can
munch on?"
DR. BANDIT2: "Hmmm...sounds like we've discovered one of the side effects."
LT. ARIEL: "Hmmm...maybe it only happens that way to members of the crew
who became wombats."
DR. BANDIT2: "But KOALAS eat eucalyptus! Not WOMBATS!"
LT. ARIEL: "HEY! I DIDN'T WRITE THIS STORY YOU KNOW! TALK TO SKIPPY!"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING! DESTRUCTION IS IMMINENT! YOUR DEATH WILL
OCCUR IN 25 MINUTES."
DR. BANDIT2: "Eeep! Quickly RASHEED! We don't have much time!"
RASHEED: "Here you go!"
DR. BANDIT2: "Ok! Let's get out of here! We've only got 25 minutes!"
LT. ARIEL: "Good LUCK!"
Dr. BANDIT2 & RASHEED run zippo-quick to the room which houses the ship's
air conditioning unit. Meanwhile, in Ten Forward.
LT. STONEWALL: "Hey WINSOME? Did you bring my phaser with you?"
LT. WINSOME: "Sure thing, hun. Here you go."
LT. STONEWALL takes the phaser from WINSOME, sets it on stun, and proceeds to
jump on top of the bar. He then spots URIEL and aims the phaser at him.
LT. STONEWALL: "FREEZE! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!"
LT. COMM. URIEL: "Man! This ship is crawling with looneys!"
URIEL, showing extreme agility, lunges behind a table, and fires at STONEWALL,
who leaps from the bar, does a double somersault in midair, and returns URIEL's
fire. URIEL, noticing a mirror on the far wall, remembers that the angle of
incidence is equal to the angle of reflection, so he scurries across the floor,
and aims his phaser at the mirror. The beam from the phaser strikes the
mirror, and whizzes past STONEWALL's ear. LT. VENKMAN, recovering from being
stunned, grabs his phaser, and ducks behind the bar. ENSIGN SCRIB, eager for
a well deserved promotion, aims his phaser at URIEL's foot. Effectively
stunning LT. COMM. URIEL's shoe.
LT. COMM. URIEL: "DAMN! MY FOOT'S ASLEEP!"
In the ensuing meleé, people stampede from Ten Forward, fleeing for there
lives. LT. COMM. URIEL limps over to the bar, narrowly missing being zapped
again by SCRIB. LT. COMM. URIEL, weary of ENSIGN SCRIB's antics, aims his
phaser, at SCRIB, fires it, but nothing happens. Since the phaser was half-
charged, it eventually ran out of power. Suddenly, LT. PHANTOM, and LT. TIPMO
enter Ten Forward.
LT. PHANTOM: "EVERYBODY FREEZE!"
LT. TIPMO: "Don't worry. So much as anyone MOVES, their TOAST!"
LT. PHANTOM: "Uh...I thought there was a riot here?"
ALFALFA (Hiding under a table): "There WAS? Until everyone started shooting
at each other!"
LT. TIMPO: "WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?!"
LT. PHANTOM: "Ok...everyone! Back to your posts!"
LT. MISTERB (Also hiding under a table): "WOW! THAT WAS FUN!"
LT. RA (Also hiding under a table): "OH BLOW IT OUT OF YOUR EAR! I STILL
DIDN'T GET MY FIGGY FIZZ!
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING! DESTRUCTION IS IMMINENT! YOUR DEATH WILL OCCUR
IN 20 MINUTES!"
ENSIGN BIGAL (recovering from being stunned): "Well, at least it's TELLING
us first!"
DR. BANDIT2: "ATTENTION CREW! WE HAVE FOUND A CURE TO THIS AILMENT WE'VE
BEEN SUFFERING. RASHEED AND I ARE ABOUT TO RELEASE MUTANT
FUNGUS SPORES INTO THE AIR CONDITIONING SYSTEM. SINCE I AM
UNCERTAIN AS TO EVERYONE'S REACTION, AS CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER,
I SUGGEST THAT YOU ALL RETURN TO YOUR POSTS."
ENSIGN BIGAL: "Mmmm...eat my butt."
DR. BANDIT2 & RASHEED proceed to dump the spores into the air condtioner,
as the bridge crew returns to (where else?) the bridge.
COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "Welcome back everybody! I Feel...HOOPY!" 8)
LT. COMM. URIEL: "What else is new?"
*The sound of spore laden air cascading from the air vents*
LT. MISTERB: "Hey! The 400 Meter Heavy Kitchen Appliance Pull is on ESPN!
Anybody want to watch?"
LT. RA: "Sure!"
(Captain TREKKER comes out of his ready room carrying an empty bag of cookies)
LT. COMM. URIEL: "Hello captain! How are you feeling?"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Suck. Erg." 8(
Suddenly, the spores begin to take affect, and the entire bridge crew, except
for LT. COMM. URIEL of course, breaks into a rousing chorus of M.C.HAMMER's
PRAY.
CAPT. TREKKER: "That's why we pray!"
LT. MISTERB: "PRAY!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Oh Yeah We PRAY!"
LT. RA: "PRAY!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "We have to PRAY, just to make it today! Oh YEAH WE PRAY!
LT PHANTOM: "PRAY!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "THAT'S RIGHT...WE PRAY!"
COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "PRAY!"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING! DESTRUCTION IS IMMINENT. YOUR DEATH WILL OCCUR
IN 15 MINUTES."
CAPT. TREKKER: "We got to...WHAT?! REPEAT THAT LAST STATEMENT COMPUTER!"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "DESTRUCTION IS IMMINENT. YOUR DEATH WILL OCCUR IN 15
MINUTES."
CAPT. TREKKER: "AAaauugggh! What happened?!
LT. PHANTOM: "Oh yeah! The VOGON CONSTRUCTOR FLEET called. They're clearing
this sector in order to build a hyper-space bypass."
CAPT. TREKKER: "A WHAT?!"
LT. PHANTOM: "A Hyper-Space Bypass. It's like I-75, just bigger."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Is there anyway we can stop them?!"
LT. PHANTOM: "Nope. They placed mines here 2 months ago. 8 of them."
CAPT. TREKKER: "TREKKER TO ENGINEERING! IS LT. COMM. SIROTTO THERE?"
LT. PALLAS: "Yeah! We're all fine down here. Everyone's putting their
uniforms on at the moment, but other than that, we're ok."
CAPT. TREKKER: "GREAT! LT. RA. plot a course to 351-Mark 9, Warp 9!"
LT. RA: "Aye sir!"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING. THE DOOR TO THE DILITHIUM CRYSTAL CHAMBER IS
OPEN. DUE TO FAILSAFE PARAMETERS, THE ENGINES WILL NOT
COME ON LINE IN THE REACTOR'S PRESENT CONFIGURATION."
CAPT. TREKKER: "AAAUGGH! ENGINEERING! What's the problem?"
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "I'm checking now. Uh-OH!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "WHAT'S WRONG?!"
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "THE DILITHIUM CRYSTAL IS GONE!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "AAAUUUGGHHH!! WHAT DO MEAN...GONE?!"
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "You know. Gone. No longer present in its previous
location?"
CAPT. TREKKER: "D'Ooooh! I meant, where do you think it..."
ENSIGN BLUE: "Uh...guys! I found it."
CAPT. TREKKER: "GREAT! LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!"
ENSING BLUE: "It's not QUITE that easy sir. You see, it's in a million
pieces, on the floor."
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "Oh dear. Hold on Captain! I think we have an old one
around here somewhere."
CAPT. TREKKER: "WHY DO THESE THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?!"
LT. MISTERB: "Captain. We're receiving a message from the USS JACK DANIELS."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Put it on screen."
CAPT. THENOSE: "CAPTAIN TREKKER! Thank you SO much for your assistance!
We just received the spores, and everyone is back to normal!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Well...ain't that just GRAND!" 8(
CAPT. THENOSE: "I just read a message from the VOGON CONSTRUCTOR FLEET. Did
you realize that this ENTIRE sector is going to be incinerated
in about 11 minutes?"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Yep."
CAPT. THENOSE: "Well, as long as you know. Just make sure you're outta here
by then! Well...I'll be seein' you around! Later DUDE!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "WAIT! Before you go! Could you send us a..."
LT. MISTERB: "They've broken communications sir. They seem to be powering
up to leave."
CAPT. TREKKER: "DAMN! TREKKER TO ENGINEERING! Any progress?"
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "We found one, Captain. Unfortunately, it's an old
one. I don't think it'll give us the amount of
power we need to get outta here."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Try it anyway. An old crystal is better than none at all."
COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "I guess you could say that, you can't teach an old..."
LT. COMM. URIEL: "HEY! NO PUNS!"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING. DESTRUCTION IS IMMINENT. YOUR DEATH WILL OCCUR
IN 10 MINUTES."
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "Ok Captain. The crystal is in place!"
(COMM. CONDOR enters the bridge, carrying a cured Fuzzles in his arms.)
COMM. CONDOR: "Hello everyone! It seems as if we're in trouble."
LT. RA: "What else is new?"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Great! Now that we're all here, LT. COMM. URIEL, plot
a course to 354-Mark-9. Warp 9!"
LT. COMM. URIEL: "Aye sir."
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING. THE DILITHIUM CRYSTAL PRESENTLY LOCATED IN CHAMBER
NUMBER 2, DOES NOT MEET ENGINE SPECIFICATIONS. MAXIMUM WARP
VELOCITY IS NOT POSSIBLE."
CAPT. TREKKER: "GEEZE! Computer! What is the maximum acceleration we can
attain while using this crystal?"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "ZERO to WARP 6 in 5 seconds."
CAPT. TREKKER: "UGH! That's not enough!"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING. DESTRUCTION IS IMMINENT. YOUR DEATH WILL OCCUR
IN 5 MINUTES. Thank you for shopping at Pic-N-Save!"
LT. RA: "Hmmm...I guess we'll just let the engines idle here, huh?"
Fuzzles, noticing the bereft looks on the faces of the bridge crew, decides
to leave the bridge, and zoom down to engineering.
COMM. CONDOR: "Maybe if we could add a little more mass to the Reaction
Chamber?"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Impossible. It would take us HOURS to figure out exactly
how much material to add to the reactor!"
ALFALFA: "ALFALFA to BRIDGE. Captain? Is Commander CONDOR there?"
COMM. CONDOR: "CONDOR here! What's up?"
ALFALFA: "Well, provided we survive this, it would be nice if you would
unlock all the ship's food processors for us. We haven't eaten
in several hours."
COMM. CONDOR: "Oh dear. I hope I can remember the code."
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "ANYBODY WANT TO PLAY A GAME OF PARCHEESY?"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Uh...not now computer."
COMM. CONDOR: "Uh...computer. Unlock Food Processors. Code...174562CTN89268
6785786891-LOCK"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "THAT CODE IS INCORRECT. ACCESS DENIED."
COMM. CONDOR: "Oh poo!"
(Meanwhile...in engineering)
LT. PALLAS: "...intercooler temperature, 1000 degrees Kelvin. Reactor core
temperature, 20,000 degrees Kelvin. DAMN! It's still not
hot enough!"
ENSIGN BLUE: "Oh well...we're dead."
(Suddenly...Fuzzles runs in.)
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "Hey! It's Fuzzles! What are you doin' here baby?"
FUZZLES: "Meow-meow!"
(Fuzzles runs to the reactor room, and enters through a revolving door.)
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "UGH! FUZZLES! DON'T GO IN THERE!"
FUZZLES: "MEOW! MEOW...MEOW!"
With the strength of 100,000 cats, Fuzzles removes the door to the reactor
chamber, and does her stuff.
FUZZLES: "Meow...*hic-BLOP*"
(She then closes the door to the reactor, and slumps to the floor.)
(Meanwhile...back on the bridge)
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING. DESTRUCTION IN 20 SECONDS."
LT. RA: "CAPTAIN! The engines are showing a 200% boost in efficiency!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "GREAT! GET US OUTTA HERE! ENGAGE!"
Like ANOTHER bad remake of Star Trek II, the Vaxerprise engages it's warp
engines, and hauls butt out of the soon to be evaporated sector.
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "DESTRUCTION IN 5...4...3...2...1."
CAPT. TREKKER: "MISTERB! Raise shields!"
LT. MISTERB: "Shield raised sir." *Beep-beep*
Aside from a little buffeting...the Vaxerprise emerges unscathed.
LT. RA: "YAHOO! WE MADE IT!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "YES! What's our velocity?"
COMM. CONDOR: "Uh...well, it's got lots of zeros behind it."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Excuse me?"
LT. RA: "Our engines seem to be working overtime."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Slow us down, leiutenant."
LT. RA: "Aye sir."
(The Vaxerprise, traveling at speeds that would put most starships in the
hospital, slows down to a more respectable speed.)
LT. COMM. URIEL: "Our velocity is now Warp 6...sir."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Great! TREKKER TO ENGINEERING. Well done guys!"
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "Uh...Captain. I've got bad news."
CAPT. TREKKER: "What's the problem?"
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "It's Fuzzles sir. I think she's...she's..."
COMM. CONDOR: "*GASP* FUZZLES!"
(Comm. CONDOR runs from the bridge and down to engineering.)
CAPT. TREKKER: "Is she...dead?"
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "I think so sir."
CAPT. TREKKER: "YAY! No more kitty puke!" 8)
LT. COMM. URIEL: "WHY YOU INSENSITIVE, EGOMANIAICAL, LITTLE SNOT!
I OUGHT TO THRASH YOU TO WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR LIFE!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Calm yourself. I'm only kidding. I'm on my way. URIEL,
you have the conn."
LT. COMM. URIEL: "Aye sir. I STILL think you're a toad. But nevertheless,
I'll do my duty with ruthless efficiency...sir."
Meanwhile...in engineering, we see COMM. CONDOR weeping
hysterically on the floor.
COMM. CONDOR: "My poor baby! She gave her life...*sniff*...so that others
may live. What a sacrifice!" 8(
LT. PALLAS: "SHE THREW UP IN THE REACTOR CORE! YOU CALL THAT A SACRIFICE?!"
COMM. CONDOR: "It was for her. *sniff*" 8(
ENSIGN BLUE: "Hey. At least she was doing what she enjoyed best."
(Captain TREKKER enters the engine room, and proceeds to walk over to CONDOR)
CAPT. TREKKER: "I'm SO sorry. I know how much she meant to you." 8(
COMM. CONDOR: "Well...*sniff*...thanks for the sentiment. I'm sure I'll
get over it...*sniff*...one day." 8(
. :.
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(2 days later)
Now that the crisis is over, many of the crew members go on with their
business. Save the fact that no one has eaten in 2 days.
(We join Commander CONDOR in Ten Forward, surrounded by irate crew members.)
COMM. CONDOR: "Computer! Unlock Food Processors...Code 173467321476C32789
777643T732V73117888732476789764375-LOCK."
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "THAT CODE IS INCORRECT. ACCESS DENIED."
ALFALFA: "We've been here for 3 hours! We'll NEVER eat AGAIN!"
COMM. CONDOR: "Wait a second. Let me try again! Computer! Unlock Food
Processors...Code 173467321476C3278..."
(Alas...ends another saga, in the voyage of the USS VAXERPRISE)
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Vax Trek
THE NAKED VAX
Written by..........................ENTERPRISE & TREKKER
Plot Consultants..........................URIEL, VENKMAN, ZENMASTER
ARIEL, SILVERFIRE, DOC.
Special Effects..........................MADAME FONG's FUN HOUSE
Incidental Music..........................The Talking Meat Buckets
Cast
----
CAPTAIN TREKKER......................TREKKER
COMMANDER CONDOR......................CONDOR
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER URIEL......................URIEL
LIEUTENANT MISTERB......................MISTERB
COUNSELOR BELGARATH......................BELGARATH
LIEUTENANT RA......................RA
LIEUTENANT PHANTOM......................PHANTOM
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER BANDIT2......................BANDIT2
LIEUTENANT EINSTEIN......................The Great Trebla
DOCTOR DOC......................DOC
ALFALFA......................Herself 8)
LIEUTENANT VENKMAN......................VENKMAN
ENSIGN SCRIB......................SCRIB
ENSIGN BIGAL......................BIGAL (aka BIG AL!)
ENSIGN BRASSMAN......................BRASSMAN
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER SIROTTO......................SIROTTO
LIEUTENANT/ENSIGN PALLAS......................PALLAS
LIEUTENANT LAZLO......................LAZLO
Native Girl On Delta IV......................CANIBAL
ENSIGN BLUE......................BLUE
LIEUTENANT ARIEL......................ARIEL
Acting Ensign RASHEED......................Mighty Mush
ENSIGN ZENMASTER......................Disgusting Man
LIEUTENANT SILVERFIRE......................SILVERFIRE
ENSIGN GORF......................GORF (FROG backwards)
ENSIGN BANDIT1......................BANDIT1
LIEUTENANT STONEWALL......................STONEWALL
LIEUTENANT WINSOME......................WINSOME
ENSIGN DIVA......................DIVA
CAPTAIN THENOSE......................THENOSE (Blow me!) 8)
LIEUTENANT TIPMO......................TIPMO
ADMIRAL ARCH......................ARCH (Master of MBBS)
ADMIRAL ZEPPELIN......................Zeppy
GHOST......................Himself
YEOMAN BLAND......................Satan The Happy Bunny
BOOPY THE GROUNDS KEEPER......................BOOPY
DISGRUNTLED GANGSTER #1......................Mic Fleet-Would
DISGRUNTLED GANGSTER #2......................Gilbert Got-Fried
DISGRUNTLED GANGSTER #3......................Dave "SCARFACE" Shlafer
COMMODORE BOUNCY-BOTTOM......................D.A. CLACKUM
HOLODECK COMPUTER......................Susan Saran-Wrap
SHIP'S COMPUTER (VAXERPRISE)......................MADAME CRUSTACEA FONG
SHIP'S COMPUTER (JACK DANIELS)......................Jerry Matherly
YEOMAN OKRA......................Sweet Stix MaGee
Z......................Skippy Podar
FUZZLES......................Herself
(And now...THE LITTLE PEOPLE!)
Fashion Consultant...............BANDIT1
Dance Choreography...............BLUE & BANDIT2
Lighting...............CSE
Best Boy...............MISTERB
Worst Boy...............Saddam Hussein
Dolly Grip...............Salvador
Poly-Grip...............Denture Adhesive
Cat Food Provided by...............KITTY-KINS KAT FOOD
Assistant to MS. FUZZLES...............Jinx The Farting Cat
Assistant Director...............Dave Shlafer
Story Editor...............TREKKER
The guy in charge of continuity...............ENTERPRISE...8)
Character Development...............ENTERPRISE
The without whom Department...............ENTEPRRISE
The cool Board Op with glasses...............ENTERPRISE 8)
The guy with the LOST IN SPACE Shirt...............ENTERPRISE
(Well...you get the point.)
Stunts
------
URIEL STONEWALL SCRIB
BELGARATH MISTERB FUZZLES
EINSTEIN BRASSMAN BIGAL
VENKMAN ALFALFA PHANTOM
"Pray!" "The Ballad of Gilligan's Island"
Written by M.C. HAMMER Courtesy of Columbia Broadcasting
"Me So Horny" "Eine Kline Nachtmusik"
Courtesy of 2 LIVE CREW Written by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Soundtrack available on MADAME FONG RECORDS
Read the Novel from BUNGEE BOOKS
Special Thanks to:
CSE's NERDC Printer
CIRCA
MCW
MONTY
ARCH
My mom...8)
TREKKER
MADAME FONG'S HOUSE OF BABY BACK RIBS
Gene Roddenberry
And anyone who was mentioned in this story.
All characters or events portrayed in this story, are probably fictional.
Any similarities to actual events are purely coincidental.
Copyright © MCMXCI BOARD #11 Productions!
Coming Soon! Vaxtrek III: Hide-N-Z!
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