Vaxtrek III - Part I

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VAX...The Final Frontier.

These are the voyages of the starship Vaxerprise.

Our continuing mission: to seek out that which is silly;

To explore that which is funny;

To boldly go...where no VAX 6320 has gone...before!

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This semester's episode:

Hide-N-Z

Written by:
ENTERPRISE & TREKKER

Based on the Book:
The Housewife's Guide to Quantum Mechanics And Special Relativity

Adaptation for MBBS:
Monty's Q-Scan Emporium

Musical Score Performed by:
The Micanopy Philharmonic Orchestra

Produced by:
Po-Po The Discount Clown

Directed by:
Queztalcoatl: The Flying Serpent

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              .    \\_   \_______/   _//                              .........
                     \\_   `---'   _//                ..        ......
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            .           `/ .---. \'                       ...  /
      .                 | |  o  | |       .             ...   |          ____
                     :   \ `-_-' /                     ..     |         /
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    Stardate 45001.4                     .       ..   \         |\
  (Orbiting Starbase 69)        .                .     |        | \
                                                ..     |        |  \
  

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Captain's Log...Stardate 45001.4.  We are currently docked
                 at Starbase 69 for an exchange of officers.  After our ordeal
                 with the USS JACK DANIELS, the ship is being refitted with
                 new anti-lock food terminals and new holodeck safeguards.
                 Right now, the bridge feels like a house with all the children
                 gone.   LT. COMM. URIEL has transferred to the USS MISSIONARY,
                 and I can't help but feel empty.  One LTCOMDATA, is supposed
                 to replace him.  My chief medical officer, BANDIT2 has trans-
                 ferred to head-up Starfleet Medical, which means that
                 DOCTOR DOC is now our chief medical officer.  LT. PALLAS
                 has transferred to the USS IRC, ENSIGN BRASSMAN has
                 transferred to the USS GRADUATE, and ENSIGN BLUE has trans-
                 ferred to the USS JURIS PRUDENCE.  So many have left.
                 Fortunately, I still have COMMANDER CONDOR here.  Although
                 he hasn't been the same since the untimely death of his
                 cat Fuzzles.  End of Log."

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "LOG HAS BEEN RECORDED AND FILED."
                 
CAPT. TREKKER:  "Thank you."                 
  
        We now shift our viewpoint to Starbase 69, where LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA
    is having a discussion with ENSIGN MORPHEUS, an Andorian Ambassador.

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "...interesting.  How long have you been in starfleet?"

ENSIGN MORPHEUS:  "About 2 years.  I was sent here as an ambassador, but
                   due to a gross clerical error, I was made an ensign."

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "That is a possibility.  The bubble for ENSIGN is right
                       next to the bubble for AMBASSADOR."

ENSIGN MORPHEUS:  "Hmmm...have you ever met CAPTAIN TREKKER?  I heard
                   he's a pain in the butt."

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "Pain in the butt?"

ENSIGN MORPHEUS:  "Yeah.  You know.  Annoying."

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "Ah...annoying, testy.  He is a curmudgeon, fuss-budget,
                       crank, an old stick in the..."

ENSIGN MORPHEUS:  "OKAY!  I GET THE POINT!"

LT. COM. LTCOMDATA:  "...mud.  Sorry.  I tend to babble."

ENSIGN MORPHEUS:  "So I've noticed." 8)

 Meanwhile, in Ten Forward, LT. OVERDOSE (formerly LT RA) is drinking a glass
                       of Figgy-Fizz with LT. MISTERB.

LT. MISTERB:  "...evaporator?  I hardly even KNOW her!"

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Behold, as I feign laughter.  Hahahaha!"  8)

LT. MISTERB:  "So.  Why did you change your name?"

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Well, ever since I found out that RA stands for Resident
                Assistant, I felt that something had to be done.  Besides,
                OVERDOSE is far more descriptive."

LT. MISTERB:  "Uh...yeah."

     Meanwhile, down in Holodeck #3, COMMANDER CONDOR is running a rather
                             "personal" program.

COMMANDER CONDOR:  "Come 'ere baby.  Yes...you're a cute little kitten
                    aren't you?  Yes you are!"

FUZZLES THE BARFING CAT:  "Meow...*Hic-BLOP*"

COMMANDER CONDOR:  "Oh...you're so precious.  Let me get you some
                    kitty-stuffies to play with..."

CAPTAIN TREKKER:  "TREKKER to CONDOR.  Please report to my ready room."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Aye aye, sir!  CONDOR out.  Aw...poor Fuzzles.  We'll 
                have to share some quality time later.  Bye bye."

FUZZLES THE BARFING CAT:  "Meow-meow...lonely meow."  8(

COMM. CONDOR:  "Don't worry precious, I'll be back.  COMPUTER!  Save program
                FUZZLES.EXE."
  
HOLODECK COMPUTER:  "PROGRAM FUZZLES.EXE HAS BEEN SAVED."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Computer, end program."

HOLODECK COMPUTER:  "PROGRAM ENDED."

                       (Meanwhile, back on Starbase 69)

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "So.  Can you pick up cable with your antennae?"

ENSIGN MORPHEUS:  "No!"

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "How about Radio Free Europe?"

ENSIGN MORPHEUS:  "NO!"

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "Hmmm...WUFT?"

ENSIGN MORPHEUS:  "HEAVENS NO!"
 
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "How about..."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "EINSTEIN to LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA.  Are you ready to beam up?"

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "Yes.  We are ready.  Two to beam up."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Energizing."

    (We shift our viewpoint to Tranporter Room 4 as LTCOMDATA and MORPHEUS
                               rematerialize.)

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Welcome aboard gentlemen.  How was your...OH MY GOD!"

ENSIGN MORPHEUS:  "What?!"

LT. EINSTEIN:  "YOU'RE BLUE!"

ENSIGN MORPHEUS:  "So what?  LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA is gold!"

LT. EINSTEIN:  "OH MY GOD!  HE IS!"  (Lt. Einstein promptly faints.)
 
 Meanwhile, in the Captain's Ready Room, CAPT. TREKKER is watching an episode
               of the Simpsons on his little desk top monitor.

ITCHY:  "Lemonade?"

SCRATCHY:  "Please."

ITCHY:  "I made it just for you."

SCRATCHY:  "You're my best friend."  *BEEP-BEEP*

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Come!"

                (CONDOR enters, carrying a box of Chips Ahoy.)

COMM. CONDOR:  "Greetings Captain!  Beware of Romulans bearing gifts."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Huh?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Nevermind.  These are for you!"
 
CAPT. TREKKER:  "Wow!  Cookies!  I love cookies!  Cookies are my favorite
                 food!  Cookie begins with the letter C!  Captain also
                 begins with the letter C.  As does CONDOR, and COMMANDER,
                 and CAMBOT, and Crooooow!"

COMM. CONDOR:  "SHUT UUUUP!  Oh.  Sorry...sir."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "HMMMPH!  So...why are you here?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "You called ME!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Oh, yeah.  What do you think of our new crew members?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "What new crew members?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "What do you mean 'WHAT NEW CREW MEMBERS?'.  Haven't you
                 read the new crew roster?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Nope.  I've been...busy.  And besides...it has over 1,000
                names on it!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Are you feeling alright commander?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "I don't know.  I miss Fuzzles SO much."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Hmmm...maybe you should talk to someone about it."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Yeah...maybe.  But whom?  No one understands my pain!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to see Counselor BELGARATH."

COMM. CONDOR:  "It wouldn't help either."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Uh...CapTAIn to eINsTeiN...er, I mean EINSTEIN to CAPTAIN."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "TREKKER here.  Are you ok lieutenant?"

LT. EINSTEIN:  "I'm ok.  Just a little disoriented.  Oh...LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA
                and ENSIGN MORPHEUS er Ambassador MORPHEUS...oh, they've 
                beamed aboard sir."
  
CAPT. TREKKER:  "Thank you Mr. EINSTEIN.  Please have them report to the
                 bridge."

               (Shifting our viewpoint to the transporter room)

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Aye sir.  Ok...you heard him!  BEAT IT!"

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "Beat it?"

ENSIGN MORPHEUS:  "Yeah...you know.  Leave."

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "Ah...leave!  Depart, flee, Head-for-the-moutains,
                       run-away, exit-stage..."

LT. EINSTEIN & ENSIGN MORPHEUS:  "SHUT UUUP!"

               (EINSTEIN then "escorts" them into the hallway.)

        Meanwhile, 7 decks below, several members of the security team
                           are discussing...stuff.

LT. COMM. PHANTOM:  "So there I was, staring an angry Mogatu in the face, when
                     suddenly, my great-great grandmother runs over to me and
                     says, 'Hey!  I need you to move my furniture across town.'"

ENSIGN SCRIB:  "WOW!  Did you die?!"

LT. TIPMO:  "OH!  SHUT THE HELL UP!"

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "No!  She didn't die!"

ENSIGN SCRIB:  "How am I supposed to know?"

LT. VENKMAN:  "Perhaps if you were more observant..."

LT. COMM. PHANTOM:  "Okay!  Well...actually, I did die.  NOT!  Heheh."

LT. STONEWALL:  "Good grief."

                       (Meanwhile...back on the bridge)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "How soon will we be ready to leave Number One?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "But we're at Starbase 69, not 1?"

CAPT. TREKKER:   "NO!  I meant YOU!"

COMM. CONDOR:  "You're going to leave ME?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Let me rephrase that.  How soon will be ready to leave
                 Starbase 69, Number One?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Well, as soon as everyone is present and accounted for."

      (At that moment LT. MISTERB and LT. OVERDOSE arrive on the bridge)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Greetings Gentlemen!"

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Yeah...hi yourself."  8(

  (Suddenly, LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA and ENSIGN MORPHEUS arrive on the bridge.)

ENSIGN MORPHEUS:  "Hello all.  I am Ambassador Morpheus of Andor.  I bring
                   peace and good tidings to all.  We Andorians seek..."

LT. MISTERB:  "OH MY GOD!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "WHAT IS IT LIEUTENANT?!"

LT. MISTERB:  "HE'S BLUE!"

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Yeah...and he has antennae too!"

ENSIGN MORPHEUS:  "Geeze!  You people act like you've never seen an outworlder
                   before!  Take LTCOMDATA, for example..."

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "I would prefer it if you would address me as Lt. Comm."

ENSIGN MORPHEUS:  "Oh...alright.  Take LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA for example.  He's
                   GOLD!  But I don't see any of you having a hissy-fit!"

LT. MISTERB:  "Yeah...but he's a robot."

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "Correction.  I am not a robot.  I am an android.
                       An automaton, mechanical man, electronic love toy,
                       Your plastic pal who's fun to be with.  I am the
                       quintessence of technological..."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Thank you Mr. LTCOMDATA.  Welcome aboard.  And as for you
                 er, ENSIGN MORPHEUS, We hope you'll enjoy serving with us."

ENSIGN MORPHEUS:  "Thank you.  Well, I must be going.  I have to get familiar
                   with my duties."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Very well.  You are dismissed."

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "SIROTTO to CAPTAIN..."

CAPTAIN TREKKER:  "TREKKER here."

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Have you taken a look at the engines?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "They're not on fire are they?"

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Uh...no.  Well, I hope not.  Nevertheless, they're NEW!
                    The repair crews replaced all our damaged hardware, we've
                    been given new dilithium crystals, and I even have a pair
                    of fuzzy dice to hang on the reactor core!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Cool!  Then I imagine we're ready to go pick up LT. LAZLO
                 from Delta IV."

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Aye sir.  The engines are all warmed up."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Perfect.  MISTERB, patch me in to the Starbase."

LT. MISTERB:  "Aye sir.  Hailing Frequencies open."

STARBASE COMMANDER:  "Starbase 69.  What do you want?!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Uh...we're announcing our departure."

STARBASE COMMANDER:  "So?"
 
CAPT. TREKKER:  "Far be it for me, Commodore, to remind you of Starfleet
                 Protocol."

COMMODORE VIVISECTVI:  "Like I care?  Just leave.  You've been more
                        trouble than you're worth."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Fine!  See if *I* send YOU any Tranya!  Vaxerprise out."

LT. MISTERB:  "Hailing Frequencies closed sir."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Perfect.  LT. RA...er LT. OVERDOSE, plot a course for
                 Delta IV...Warp Factor 2."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Aye sir."

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "Gee...I feel a sense of Deja Vu."

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                      Will the Vaxerprise be destroyed?

        Will CONDOR be at peace with himself now that Fuzzles is gone?

    Will people stop commenting on the fact that ENSIGN MORPHEUS is blue?

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TUNE IN...TOMORROW...when we will answer these, and other DUMB questions:

"On Board #11...Boldly going forward, 'Cause we can't find reverse."

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[Main Menu] [Part I] [Part II] [Part III] [Part IV] [Part V] [Part VI] [Conclusion]