For one fiftieth of a century...

They have thrilled us with their adventures...

Amazed us with their discoveries....

Inspired us...with their humor.

Their ship has journeyed beyond imagination...

Her name has become legend...

Her crew, the silliest ever assembled.

We have traveled beside them from one corner of the Galaxy to the other.

They have been our guides, our sanity, and our friends.....

Now you are invited to join us, for one last adventure....

For at the end of Board 11 lies....

CRAP!

_____________________________________________________________________

Vaxtrek IV - Part I

_____________________________________________________________________

VAX...The Final Frontier.

These are the voyages of the starship Vaxerprise.

Our continuing mission: to seek out that which is silly;

To explore that which is funny;

To boldly go...where no VAX 6320 has gone...before!

_____________________________________________________________________

This semester's episode:

The Undiscovered Plot

Written by:
TREKKERPRISE

Based on the Novel:
Luck Be A Lady Tonight!

Adaptation for MBBS:
Monty's Q-Scan Emporium

Musical Score Performed by:
The Pic-N-Save Community Singers

Produced by:
Skippy Tubenburble III

Directed by:
Ren Hoek & Stimpson J. Cat

_____________________________________________________________________

             (Somewhere...in the farthest reaches of the Galaxy)

      __.
                    __.                 __.
                                __.                                 __.
     _____________________________               _______
    |____NCC_1991____USS_FATHEAD__}    ##==========================
                   ________|__|________/________/`_____'
                   \=_________                 |                     __.
     __.     __.              `----._    ---=>/
                                     `-._____/                 __.
                     __.                             __.
          __.           __.                       __.               __.
                                  __.



CAPTAIN RED:  "Captain's Log...Stardate 45989.6.  We are currently en route
               to investigate the disappearance of two Starfleet Vessels
               near the Romulan Neutral Zone.  3 Months ago, Starfleet Head-
               quarters lost contact with the USS S.O.L. during a routine
               pizza run.  Prior to their disappearance, CAPTAIN INLERAH & her
               crew mentioned encountering a large subspace distortion and
               increased amounts of Neutron Radiation.  Then, one month later,
               the USS JACK DANIELS, commanded by CAPTAIN THENOSE, also dis-
               appeared in the same region.  Starfleet headquarters believes
               that the two ships may have been attacked by a cloaked Romulan
               Stormbird, and it's our job to gather as much information as
               possible about their disappearance, and return to Earth.
               ADMIRAL TRIBBLE has urged us not to engage the Romulans, until
               we can ascertain the whereabouts of..."

COMMANDER BLUE:  "Captain, we're approaching the Romulan Neutral Zone."

CAPT. RED:  "Thank you, number one.  Computer, end of log."

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "LOG HAS BEEN RECORDED AND FILED."

CAPT. RED:  "LT. SILF, decrease our speed to one quarter impulse power,
             please." 

LT. SILF:  "Aye, sir."

LT. COMM. DELIRIUM:  "Captain, we're picking up a large subspace distortion
                      off our starboard bow."

CAPT. RED (Looking at COMM. BLUE):  "Do you think this could be what the SOL
                                     and the JACK DANIELS encountered?"

COMM. BLUE:  "It's possible.  The object is in the same position as recorded
              by both ships."

CAPT. RED:  "Interesting.  LT. COMM. DELIRIUM, do you detect any debris?"

LT. COMM. DELIRIUM:  "No, sir.  However...there's a great deal of neutron
                      radiation in this area."

CAPT. RED:  "What's the source of this radiation?"

LT. COMM. DELIRIUM:  "It appears to be emanating from the aforementioned
                      subspace distortion over yonder."

CAPT. RED:  "Could it be a cloaked vessel?"

LT. COMM. DELIRIUM:  "Possibly."

CAPT. RED:  "Number one, open hailing frequencies."

COMM. BLUE:  "Frequencies open, Captain."

CAPT. RED:  "This is CAPTAIN RED of the USS FATHEAD.  You have violated
             Federation space, and in doing so you have committed an act of
             war.  We demand that you identify yourselves IMMEDIATELY!"

LT. SILF:  "Wow.  That's a bit rough isn't it, sir?"

CAPT. RED:  "You have to be firm with these Romulans, Lieutenant, or they'll
             walk all over you."

LT. COMM. DELIRIUM:  "Hmmm...that's bizarre."

CAPT. RED:  "What's the matter?"

LT. COMM. DELIRIUM:  "Well, we're getting a reply to our message, but I don't
                      understand what it means."

CAPT. RED:  "What does it say?"

LT. COMM. DELIRIUM:  "It says, 'WELCOME HOME, MY CHILDREN.'"

CAPT. RED:  "'Welcome Home, My Children?'  Freaky."

LT. SILF:  "CAPTAIN!  THERE'S A LARGE SURGE OF ENERGY APPROACHING US FROM OUR
            STARBOARD SIDE!"

CAPT. RED:  "Evasive maneuvers, Lieutenant!"

LT. SILF:  "UGGH!  The controls are dead, sir!"

CAPT. RED:  "SHIELDS UP!  RED ALERT!  BRIDGE TO ENGINEERING, WE NEED WARP
             POWER...NOW!"

LT. COMM. PALLAS:  "Engineering, Pallas here.  No can do, Captain.  The engines
                    are off-line.  The nearby subspace distortion is preventing
                    us from generating a stable warp field."

CAPT. RED:  "Damn."

COMM. BLUE:  "IMPACT IN 10...9...8..."

CAPT. RED:  "I guess we'll get to see what happened to the other two ships,
             huh?"

LT. COMM. DELIRIUM:  "Yep!"  8)

COMM. BLUE:  "...3...2...1..."

             
          (Several days later...on the bridge of the USS VAXERPRISE)


CAPTAIN TREKKER:  "Captain's log, stardate 45993.2.  The Vaxerprise is
                   awaiting the arrival of the USS DOMINOS to deliver 
                   a new Vulcan ambassador assigned to the Romulan Empire.
                   Meanwhile, it is a time of relaxation as we prepare
                   for the upcoming mission."


 .                     .             _  ___________________________=====____ 
              __--__                / ||   =<==2nd Star On The Right==     / 
___________---______---___________  \_||__________________________________/ 
\________________________________/           | |      . 
             \______/  \__ .. :  \           | | 
               `--'       \_   :  \          | |                     . 
                         __-`------`-----____| | 
.                     \ |||_     .::. :      |_|--_ 
                      -)=|__ =<=======--      :. |_\ 
         :            / |||           __________---'     . 
                          ------------                  


                     (In the ever-popular Ten Forward...)

LT. STONEWALL:  "...And then we weren't allowed to play anymore."

LT. TIPMO:  "I can't believe the Captain ordered you to stop playing MUD."

LT. STONEWALL:  "Well, I think he was under orders from Fleet Captain MCW."

ENSIGN SMILIE:  "It still doesn't seem fair."

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "We could rebel."

ENSIGN SEYMOUR:  "Yeah, but then I wouldn't be able to get as many backrubs."

ENSIGN PEZ:  "Why do you say that?"

ENSIGN SEYMOUR:  "Because everyone would be so busy fighting."

ENSIGN MISTERSPOCK:  "I fail to see the logic in needing so many backrubs.
                      Perhaps you should simply stretch before exercising."

ENSIGN SEYMOUR:  "Darling, backrubs ARE my exercise."

LT. TIPMO:  "I'm going to the phaser range.  Anyone care to join me?"

ENSIGN DIVA:  "I'll go."

                      (LT. TIPMO and ENSIGN DIVA leave.)

ENSIGN SMILIE:  "So, BIGAL, how accurate is TIPMO with a phaser?"

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "The only person on the VAXERPRISE who surpasses him is LT.
                PHANTOM."

ENSIGN SMILIE:  "Really?  Hmmm...maybe I'll join them."

                               (SMILIE leaves)

ENSIGN BIGAL:  "I thought she was in computers."

ENSIGN MISTERSPOCK:  "She is."

ENSIGN SEYMOUR:  "So, MISTERSPOCK, how good are you at giving backrubs?"

ENSIGN MISTERSPOCK:  "I have never given one."

ENSIGN SEYMOUR:  "Well...try it out on me, babe."  8)

(ENSIGN MISTERSPOCK begins to rub ENSIGN SEYMOUR's shoulders.  Unfortunately,
 he gives her a Vulcan neck pinch accidentally.  SEYMOUR promptly collapses.)

ENSIGN MISTERSPOCK:  "Oops." 

ENSIGN BIGAL:  *chuckle*   8)

                       (Meanwhile...at another table.)

LT. MORPHEUS:  "I'll FINALLY be able to meet a fellow ambassador."
  
LT. LAZLO:  "What do you mean?"

LT. MORPHEUS:  "The Vulcan ambassador T'PANTHER is coming aboard."

LT. LAZLO:  "I thought Andorians were a violent race.  Why do you want
             to meet a peace-loving Vulcan?"

LT. MORPHEUS:  "To advance the plot."

LT. LAZLO:  "Ba-hahahahaha!  Good luck."

LT. MORPHEUS:  "I know it's a long shot..."

LT. GHOST:  "A million to one, I'd say.  Same odds as me finding a non-evil
             female."


(In the Vaxerprise Phaser Room, LT. TIPMO & ENSIGN DIVA join LT. SUNRUNNER who
                             is already there...)


LT. TIPMO (Firing his phaser):  "Ha!  Another one!  That makes 30."

LT. SUNRUNNER (Firing his phaser):  "So what?  I just hit my 102nd."

LT. TIPMO:  "Yes, but you've been here for an hour!"

ENSIGN DIVA (Firing):  "Wimps." (*sound of target being hit*)  "I have 753."

LT. TIPMO:  "Geez!"

                            (ENSIGN SMILIE enters)

ENSIGN SMILIE:  "So who's winning?"

LT. TIPMO:  "I quit."

                             (LT. TIPMO leaves.)

LT. SUNRUNNER:  "753?!  I quit too."

                           (LT. SUNRUNNER leaves.)

ENSIGN SMILIE:  "Heh.  Men.  Sad indeed."  8)

ENSIGN DIVA:  "Tell me about it."

ENSIGN SMILIE:  "What level were they at?"

ENSIGN DIVA:  "Five."

ENSIGN SMILIE:  "Gawd.  Put it up to a level where it will at least be a
                 CHALLENGE for us."

ENSIGN DIVA:  "Ok.  Computer, level 50 please."

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "INCREASING DIFFICULTY TO LEVEL FIFTY."

ENSIGN SMILIE:  "50?"

ENSIGN DIVA:  "Well, we'll START slow, and work up to 100."

ENSIGN SMILIE:  "Okay."  8)

                                       .
                        __                         __       .
                       /__\        __---__        /__\
      .              __\__/_____---.--.--.---_____\__/__                  .
                     \____\\_______\__:__/_______//____/
                            \\_   \__| |__/   _//
                              \\_   `| |'   _//
        .                       \\..=====..//         .          .
                   .             `/|||||||\'
                                 |_-------_|                              .
                                  \       /
             .                     `-----'
                                      .

  (In the Vaxerprise Poker room, the usual poker gang is currently playing a
    hand of Anaconda.  Anaconda is a high-low poker game (the highest hand
                      splits the pot with the lowest).)

LT. VENKMAN:  "I bet 45."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I hate it when you do that."

LT. VENKMAN:  "That's why I do it."

LT. MISTERB:  "E-I-E-I don't think so.  Fold."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "It's only money.  I call."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "D'OH!  Fold."

LT. VENKMAN:  *chuckle*

LT. MIRROR:  "I'll call."

(They turn one more card, VENKMAN is showing 3 aces and 1 king; OVERDOSE is
 showing the 2,3,4 and 5 of clubs; MIRROR is showing 3 jacks and 1 queen.)

LT. VENKMAN (Studying the other cards):  "Hmmmm....30."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "And 50."

LT. MIRROR:  "Call."

LT. VENKMAN:  "Hmmmm......"  

            (VENKMAN looks at MIRROR's cards and then back again.)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "C'mon, VENKMAN."

LT. VENKMAN:  "Call."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Well, I get half."  (OVERDOSE turns over the 7 of spades.)

LT. MIRROR:  "What do you have?"

LT. VENKMAN:  "What do YOU have?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "You're first, VENKMAN."

LT. VENKMAN:  "Full house."  (Venkman turns over the other king.)

LT. MIRROR:  "Four Jacks."

LT. VENKMAN:  "Hmmm....that's bad."

                    (LT. OVERDOSE begins dividing the pot)

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Glad I left that one early."

LT. MISTERB:  "Me too."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Your deal, MISTERB."

LT. MISTERB:  "Ok.  Let's play 'Bite the bullet'."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "No...I refuse."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I hate this game."

                                (*beep beep*)

COMMANDER CONDOR:  "Bridge to Captain Trekker."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Go ahead, Number One."

COMM. CONDOR:  "The USS DOMINOS is approaching, sir."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "We're on our way."

(Captain TREKKER, LT. MISTERB, and LT. OVERDOSE leave the poker room on their
way to the bridge.  As they approach turboshaft #8, the doors open and inside
 is ENSIGN PODAR who appears to be diligently modifying the control panel on
                      the inner wall of the turbolift.)


CAPT. TREKKER:  "Excuse me, but what do you think you're doing, Ensign?"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Ah...CAPTAIN!  Just the person I wanted to see.  LT. EINSTEIN
                just received some software in the mail, and I've been using it
                to upgrade the turbolift controls."

LT. MISTERB:  "What's it supposed to do?"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "I'm not sure.  It's written in Japanese.  But EINSTEIN tells me
                it's supposed to make the turbolift more interactive with the
                passengers.  And in the unlikely event of a hostile take over,
                the turbolift will automatically jettison its occupants into
                the comfort and safety of the turboshaft."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "How will it distinguish an enemy from a normal crew member?"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Bacteria count!  Everything in the turbolift is done via
                bacteria count!  It's SO neat!  I was reading about it in this
                month's _Elevator Digest_.  You see, the amount of bacteria
                present in a turbolift is proportional to..."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Ensign, we REALLY need to be going."

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Ooops.  I'm sorry.  I have a proclivity toward loquaciousness.
                You see, it started when I was a child, and..."

LT. MISTERB:  "I think we should use another turbolift."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Agreed.  Good day, Mr. Podar."

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Ok...see ya!"
                

           .                        _________
                                   /  ====___|        __--__
                       .          /  ____  /----------______---_____________
                                  \ _______\_______________________________/
                                  / ---------- /____'\______/
               ____=====_________/____________/_____   `--'              .
               \  ==USS DOMINOS = We Deliver!===>= / 
                \_________________________________/ 
       .                                                         .


        (Two hours later...CAPT. TREKKER, LT. MISTERB, and LT. OVERDOSE
                            arrive on the bridge.)        

LT. PHANTOM:  "Geez...it's about TIME you got here.  The DOMINOS is hailing,
               sir."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "On screen."

CAPTAIN RAISTLIN:  "This is Captain A.C. RAISTLIN of the USS DOMINOS.  I have
                    a delivery for you, Captain TREKKER."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Indeed!  It's good to see you again, Captain.  You look as
                 offensive as ever!"  8) 

CAPT. RAISTLIN:  "Thank you!  Ambassador T'PANTHER is ready to transport."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Very good.  Transporter room, stand by to beam the Ambassador
                 aboard."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "As you wish, Mon Capitan."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Number one, will you please greet the Ambassador and show
                 her to her quarters?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "No."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "No?"

COMM. CONDOR:  "Well...ok.  I have to stop by and feed Fuzzles Jr. first."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Three minutes, Number One."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Hmph."

                               (CONDOR leaves)

CAPT. RAISTLIN:  "Well, I have to go offend some people.  Catch you later,
                 Jean-Luc.  Oh...and remember, Nobody Knows...Like DOMINOS!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Good-bye, old friend."

   (Three minutes later, COMM. CONDOR enters Transporter room #4 holding a
            bouquet of flowers and a bowl of Vulcan Pomete Soup.)

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Greetings, Commander!  Ambassador T'PANTHER is ready for
                transport."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Wonderful!  Energize."

                     (Insert neat Transporter noise here)

COMM. CONDOR:  "Greetings, Ambassador, and welcome to the USS VAXERPRISE.  We
                hope your journey has been pleasant.  If there's anything you
                need..."

AMBASSADOR T'PANTHER:  "You will show me to my quarters."

COMM. CONDOR:  "Very well.  Please accept this bowl of Vulcan Pomete Soup as
                at token of good will."

T'PANTHER:  "Thank you, but I am not hungry.  Just take me to my quarters."

COMM. CONDOR:  "As you wish.  Follow me, please."

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Have a nice day, Ambassador."  8)

T'PANTHER:  "Jo'Lantrue...er...I mean, Live Long and Prosper, Lieutenant."

              (T'PANTHER and CONDOR leave the Transporter Room)

LT. EINSTEIN:  "Jo'Lantrue?  Kooky."
                
 .                     .             _  ___________________________=====____ 
              __--__                / ||   =<=We're the men from Texaco==  / 
___________---______---___________  \_||__________________________________/ 
\________________________________/           | |      . 
             \______/  \__ .. :  \           | | 
               `--'       \_   :  \          | |                     . 
                         __-`------`-----____| | 
.                     \ |||_     .::. :      |_|--_ 
                      -)=|__ =<=======--      :. |_\ 
         :            / |||           __________---'     . 
                          ------------                                   .
 
LT. PHANTOM:  "Sir, message comimg in from Starfleet."

CAPT TREKKER:  "In my ready room."

LT. PHANTOM:  "Me?  Now?  But, sir...I don't think...."

CAPT TREKKER:  "Not YOU, Lieutenant.  The message."

LT. PHANTOM:  "Oh.  Heh.  *ahem*  Aye, sir."

(Capt. TREKKER walks into his ready room, sits down at his desk, and activates
                            his desk top monitor.)

ADMIRAL TRIBBLE:  "Greetings, Captain."

CAPT TREKKER:  "Admiral."

ADMIRAL TRIBBLE:  "The following is top priority, Jean-Luc."

CAPT TREKKER:  "Go ahead."

ADMIRAL TRIBBLE:  "Three months ago the USS S.O.L. disappeared near the
                   Romulan Neutral Zone.  One month later, the USS JACK
                   DANIELS also disappeared in the same area.   Finally,
                   we lost contact with the USS FATHEAD three days ago."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Yikes!  Do you believe it's a Romulan attack?"

ADMIRAL TRIBBLE:  "We don't know.  We can only ASSUME it's the Romulans, but
                   we can't be sure.  You are hereby ordered to investigate
                   anything out of the ordinary while delivering the
                   ambassador."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "We'll do what we can, Admiral."

ADMIRAL TRIBBLE:  "There is another factor, Captain."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Oh?"

ADMIRAL TRIBBLE:  "Klingon High Command is also reporting the loss of several
                   vessels.  They are also sending a ship to investigate."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I understand, Admiral.  Don't you think, though, that since
                 we've already lost three very expensive ships it would make
                 sense to send more than one at a time?" 

ADMIRAL TRIBBLE:  "Yes, but you're the only ship in the quadrant.  You are our
                   last hope, Captain.  Otherwise we will have no choice but to
                   assume the worst and possibly go to war with the Romulans."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "What is the Romulan response to the charges?"

ADMIRAL TRIBBLE:  "Praetor TAL is denying any Romulan initiative."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Understood, Admiral.  TREKKER out."

                  (Meanwhile...Aboard the IKV KOLDHEARTED.)

                                                      .
   .                _________ ___    .                          ,-__
                    |________|   \_______                    ___|(__)__
                    ___|_____----'       \---_______________|----------'
              _-----_____________--------->-----------------+___      )
              \_---+   |     `-----------'                      -----'
           _____\___\__\____
         ||        ======   |              .          .
         ||_________________|  
                                                                      .

K'MEGABETH:  "We're receiving a message from the Emperor, Captain."

CAPTAIN K'CELESTE:  "On screen."

EMPEROR WALRUS:  "K'CELESTE, we now have the information.  The ships that
                  have disappeared are the CARELESS, the K'MART and the OZZY."

CAPTAIN K'CELESTE:  "We will be underway immediately."

EMPEROR WALRUS:  "K'CELESTE, I don't want a repeat of what happened in the
                  Krak nebula last year.  You may not destroy your Klingon
                  brothers just because they're men.  Your mission is to
                  discover what has become of those ships and, if possible, 
                  bring them back safely."

CAPTAIN K'CELESTE:  "Very well."

EMPEROR WALRUS:  "One more thing.  The Federation has also lost three vessels
                  in the same area.  They are sending a ship as well...the
                  USS VAXERPRISE.  You are not, under ANY circumstances to
                  engage the Vaxerprise.  Her captain is a personal friend
                  of mine.  Don't ask me why.  He just is."

CAPTAIN K'CELESTE:  "Fine.  Spoil my fun.  Hmph."

EMPEROR WALRUS:  "This transmission ends...now."

CAPTAIN K'CELESTE:  "Helm, plot our course...heading 030, Mark 15.  Warp factor
                     3."

K'RAMP:  "Yes, your majesty."  8)


                .
                        .          //-n-\\           .
                           _____---=======---_____
                       ====____\   /.. ..\   /____====                      .
          .          //         ---\__O__/---         \\
                     \_\                             /_/
                                     .                         .

    .


                      Will the VAXERPRISE be destroyed?

         Will K'CELESTE uncover the mystery of the "No Name Anomaly"?

            Will the EVIL Captain TREKKER find his long lost love?

_____________________________________________________________________

Tune in...later...for the answers to these and other bizarre questions on:

"Board #11...Boldly Going Forward, 'Cause We Canna Find Reverse!"

_____________________________________________________________________

[Main Menu] [Part I] [Part II] [Part III] [Part IV] [Part V] [Conclusion]