Vaxtrek V - Part I
VAX...The Final Frontier.
These are the voyages of the starship Vaxerprise.
Our continuing mission: to seek out that which is silly;
To explore that which is funny;
To boldly go...where no VAX 6320 has gone...before!
This semester's episode:
Gluteus Moebius
Written by:
ENTERPRISE
Based on the episode:
Cause And Effect
Adaptation for MBBS:
Monty's Q-Scan Emporium
Musical Score Performed by:
M.C. Poppin-Fresh & The Lemniscate Orchestra
Produced by:
Hermann Minkowski
Directed by:
ENTERPRISE
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CAPT. TREKKER: "Captain's Log. Stardate 46002.3. It's been almost one week
since our encounter with CAPT. K'ENOBITE in AZIZIA's Galactic
Day Care Center. And now that most of our battle damage has
been repaired, we are headed to Starbase 133 at full impulse
power. The saddest part of it all is that, upon our arrival
at Starbase 133, this proud and sturdy vessel is to be...
decomissioned. This ship has served the Federation well over
the last 5 years, and I hate to have to give her up. End of
log entry." 8(
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "LOG ENTRY HAS BEEN RECORDED AND FILED."
(*Beep-Beep*)
CAPT. TREKKER: "Come."
COMM. CONDOR: "Greetings, Captain!" 8)
CAPT. TREKKER: "Good morning, Number One." 8(
COMM. CONDOR: "What's wrong, Cap'n? Do your cookies still taste like Lime
Jello?"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Oh...it's nothing. I've just been thinking about this ship.
I'm going to miss her. I've had a lot of good times here." 8(
COMM. CONDOR: "You've had GOOD times here? I'VE known nothing but headache
and hardship! First my cat dies, then I accidentally lock-up
the food processors, and no one eats for a week. Then to top
it all off, the shrapnel from your quarters tore a hole in my
bathroom wall big enough to drive a truck through!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Your point, Commander?"
COMM. CONDOR: "My point is, the VAXERPRISE is cursed! We're the butt of ALL
the jokes back at the Academy you know. Granted, we do a bang
up job as far as saving the universe goes, but face it! We're
a ship full of losers! They sent us out here to get RID of us!
Frankly sir, I'll be GLAD when they put this crate out to
pasture."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Surely, you CAN'T be serious?"
COMM. CONDOR: "Yep, they're gonna chop her up, and sell her for scrap!
And don't call me Shirley. Besides, I'm going to get my own
ship! The USS HFS! The biggest ship in the fleet!" 8)
CAPT. TREKKER: "Hooray for you, Commander."
COMM. CONDOR: "That's CAPTAIN, sir." 8)
CAPT. TREKKER: "Not until we get to Starbase 133, it isn't."
COMM. CONDOR: "Hmmm...maybe they'll let me have YOU as my first officer!" 8)
CAPT. TREKKER: "I don't THINK so!"
COMM. CONDOR: "Heh-heh." 8)
LT. OVERDOSE: "BRIDGE to CAPTAIN. Sir, there's a message coming in from
Starbase 133 for you sir."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Thank you, Lieutenant. I'm on my way."
(CAPT. TREKKER and 'soon-to-be-Captain' CONDOR leave TREKKER's ready room and
enter the main bridge. As he approaches his command chair, CAPT. TREKKER
brushes the soot off the armrest.)
CAPT. TREKKER: "Darn it! Somebody get me a DUSTBUSTER!"
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Hmmm...wouldn't that be a SOOTbuster, sir?"
CAPT. TREKKER: "WHAT? What are you babbling about, LTCOMDATA?!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Sir, COMMODORE VIVISECTVI is on line three. He wishes to
speak with you."
CAPT. TREKKER: "On screen."
COMMODORE VIVISECTVI: "Howdy TREKKER. I presume you're on your way here to
Starbase 133?"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Aye, Commodore. We should be there in about a month. Pardon
me for asking sir, but weren't you stationed at Starbase 69
in VAXTREK III?"
COMMODORE VIVISECTVI: "Yeah, but I requested a transfer. The hours are better
here. Enough with the idle chatter, TREKKER. I have a
proposition for you."
CAPT. TREKKER: "I'm all ears."
COMMODORE VIVISECTVI: "We here at Starfleet Command know of your fondness for
vegetables, so we decided to invite you to the Annual
Rutabaga Festival, here at the Starbase."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Uh...sir, it's chocolate chip cookies I'm fond of. I'm not
particularly keen on vegetables. Least of all ruta..."
COMMODORE VIVISECTVI: "I can imagine how thrilled you must be. The festival
is in one week. Hope to see you there."
CAPT. TREKKER: "But...sir. We aren't scheduled to arrive for a month yet.
We don't have warp power. There's no way we could get there
in time."
COMMODORE VIVISECTVI: "Pardon me? I don't think I HEARD you correctly. Did
you just say NO to me, LIEUTENANT?!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "No, sir...I mean yes, sir. I mean...we're horribly limited in
our abilities at the moment."
COMMODORE VIVISECTI: "WHAT?! How DARE you refuse a gift from a superior
officer! Don't you realize we only offer ONE Captain's
invitation each year?! You should be HONORED! So, I
suggest you find a way to get here on time, ENSIGN!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Uh...aye, sir. We'll be there as soon as we can."
COMMODORE VIVISECTVI: "Splendid, Captain. I knew you'd see things MY way.
VIVI out." 8)
LT. MISTERB: "Communications terminated, sir."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Yeah! He'd BETTER hang up! I'll kick his sorry..."
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Sir?"
CAPT. TREKKER: "The man's a tin plated dictator! I oughta...oh, nevermind.
LT. OVERDOSE, plot the shortest course to Starbase 133."
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Sir. That would take us through the Typhon Expanse."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Sooo what? It'll cut our trip down to about one week." 8)
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "You fail to realize, Captain, the Typhon Expanse is
a relatively unexplored region of space."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Well, there's no better time than the present. Don't you
think so, Number One?" 8)
COMM. CONDOR: "Uh...huh." 8(
COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "I could say something, but I won't."
LT. OVERDOSE: "Course laid in, sir."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Excellent. Engage."
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(Five days later...down in Ten Forward, our merry gang
of mirthmakers are playing a blood thirsty game of Scrabble.)
COMM. CONDOR: "Your turn, Mr. LTCOMDATA."
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Aye, sir."
(LTCOMDATA shakes the Scrabble-Bag vigorously and then removes 7 tiles.)
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Hmmm..."
LT. VENKMAN: "HURRY UP! HURRY UP! We don't have all day!"
DR. DOC: "Hmmm...sounds like Mr. VENKMAN needs a sedative. DOC to NURSE
STIMPY!"
LT. VENKMAN: "Ooops! Heh-heh. I'll be quiet. I promise!" 8)
(Suddenly, LTCOMDATA places ALL 7 tiles on the board.)
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Voíla!"
LT. MISTERB: "What the...?"
COMM. CONDOR: "Interesting word, Lieutenant Commander."
LT. VENKMAN: "Uh...I have a question."
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Yes, Lieutenant?"
LT. VENKMAN: "WHAT THE HECK IS IT?!"
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "ZINCKING...Z-I-N-C-K-I-N-G. It is a process whereby
an object is treated or coated with zinc; a bluish
white crystalline metallic element with an atomic
number of..."
LT. VENKMAN: "ZINCKING?! You've GOT to be kidding! What kind of game do you
think we're playing here?!"
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Scrabble. It is a game played on a board, where the
participants attempt to arrange small tiles (upon which
letters have been imprinted) to form words. Several
variations of this game have been devised over the last
300 years. For example, UPWORDS, a game invented during
the latter half of the 20th Century, took a 3-dimensional
approach to the game, while the game SCRABBINARY used
ones and zeros to form..."
DR. DOC: "Thank you, Lieutenant Commander. What's the score, CONDOR?"
COMM. CONDOR: "Well...the word itself is worth...10...15...18...24 points.
There's a double letter score for the Z, and a triple word
score. So in total he has..."
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "82 points for a total of 365, altogether."
LT. MISTERB: "I quit." 8(
DR. DOC: "Why, Lieutenant? The night is young!" 8)
NURSE STIMPY: "SICKBAY TO DR. DOC."
DR. DOC: "DOC here. What's wrong?"
NURSE STIMPY: "LT. COMM. SIROTTO needs you in sickbay, Doctor."
DR. DOC: "I'm on my way. DOC out." 8)
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(A wee bit later, we join DR. DOC in sickbay as she patches up
the sick and afflicted.)
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "I don't know what happened. I was realigning the
dilithium crystals, when all of a sudden I got the most
intense abdominal pain. I thought I was going to die.
Good thing LT. FLOUNDER was there to give me a TUMS.
It's a long way to the bathroom."
DR. DOC: "Hmmm...have you suffered from abdominal pain before?"
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "I'm not sure. I don't think so."
DR. DOC: "Hmmm...sounds like you're having contractions. Are you pregnant?"
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "Of course not! I can't GET pregnant!"
DR. DOC: "Oh yeah. Hmmm...well MAYBE it's intestinal gas."
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "Gas? How could it be gas? I haven't EATEN anything!"
DR. DOC: "That's the problem. You need to eat something. Here, have a
Lender's Beagle...er I mean Bagel. Would you like some LOX with
that?"
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "LOX? Liquid Oxygen?"
DR. DOC: "Is THAT what it's made of?! Maybe THAT'S why you have gas! You've
been drinking too much Liquid Oxygen!" 8)
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "What are you talking about?!"
DR. DOC: "Hmmm...I'm not sure. Here...take two Pez and call me in the
morning." 8)
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "Ick. But these are GREEN?!"
DR. DOC: "Hey, those are the best kind!" 8)
(Later that evening...we join CAPT. TREKKER in his Ready Room as he
tries desperately to eat a Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip Cookie WITHOUT
eating the chips.)
CAPT. TREKKER: "DARN IT! Foiled again! Oh well, what's a chocolate chip
cookie without the chocolate?" (*Chomp-chomp*)
(Suddenly, although for only a brief moment,
the room is filled with unintelligible chatter.)
*Mumble-mumble-mumble-blah-blah-blah*
CAPT. TREKKER (Dropping his plate of cookies): *SMASH* "WHAT THE...? TREKKER
to ENGINEERING! Did
you just hear that?"
LT. FLOUNDER: "ENGINEERING, this is Lieutenant FLOUNDER. Hear what, sir?"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Uh...nothing. For a second, I thought I heard voices."
LT. FLOUNDER: "No, sir. We have nothing to report here. Perhaps you're
tired. Maybe you should get some rest."
CAPT. TREKKER: "I think I'll do that. Thank you, Lieutentant. TREKKER out."
(As CAPT. TREKKER leaves his ready room, he glances at the broken plate
of cookies on the floor.)
CAPT. TREKKER: "Weird."
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(The next morning, we join the senior officers in the recently repaired
Observation Lounge, during a rather...important meeting.)
CAPT. TREKKER: "Dang it! Why do these doughnuts taste like lime jello?!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Well sir, we haven't been able to correct ALL the
files yet. There are over 4500 culinary items that
have to be reprogrammed."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Nevermind, Mr. EINSTEIN. Mr. LTCOMDATA, what is your report?"
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "According to our data, we should arrive at Starbase 133
in roughly 3 days."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Hmmm...that's cutting it a bit close don't you think?"
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "On the contrary, sir. At full impulse, it is a miracle
that we have been able to make it this far, so quickly."
LT. MISTERB: "BRIDGE to CAPTAIN. We're detecting a temporal distortion off our
starboard bow."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Hmmm...I'm on my way."
(CAPT. TREKKER and company leave the merry confines of the Observation Lounge
and head zippo-quick to the main bridge. As they enter the main bridge,
CAPT. TREKKER glares unhappily at the soot on his armrest.)
CAPT. TREKKER: "Darn it! I hate soot! Report, Mr. OVERDOSE."
LT. OVERDOSE: "We didn't detect it until we were almost on top of it, sir.
We had no warning."
(Suddenly, the lights go out.)
CAPT. TREKKER: "Emergency lights!"
COMM. CONDOR: "Neat! COMPUTER, activate the Dance Club!"
(At that moment, all the emergency lights begin to strobe.)
CAPT. TREKKER: "D'oh!"
LT. MISTERB: "Sir, something has just emerged from the distortion."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Hmmm...on screen."
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LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "It appears to be a FATHEAD class Starship sir."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Open hailing frequencies."
LT. MISTERB: "Frequencies open, sir."
CAPT. TREKKER: "This is Captain Jean-Luc TREKKER of the battle-weary Starship
VAXERPRISE. Please identify yourselves."
LT. MISTERB: "Hmmm...no response, sir."
CAPT. TREKKER: "What's that junk off its starboard?"
LT. OVERDOSE: "They appear to have jettisoned some debris."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Identify."
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Five bottles of Figgy Fizz, and a crumpled Snickers
Candy Bar wrapper."
CAPT. TREKKER: "What?"
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "I said, five bottles of Figgy..."
CAPT. TREKKER: "I HEARD what you said, LTCOMDATA. I just can't BELIEVE they're
jettisoning their GARBAGE into space!"
COMM. CONDOR: "The debris is on a collision course with us, sir!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "SHIELDS!"
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Shields are inoperative, sir. Impact in 36 seconds."
COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "Uh...perhaps we should move out of the way?"
LT. MISTERB: "Sounds good to me."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Fire aft thrusters."
LT. OVERDOSE: "Thrusters appear to be broken, sir."
COMM. CONDOR: "THESE are broken, MINE are broken! What gives?!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Suggestions?"
COMM. CONDOR: "How about we fire a photon torpedo at the debris."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "LT. SILVERFIRE once suggested an interesting experiment.
How about if we transport the entire ship, one foot to
the left?"
COMM. CONDOR: "Where do you get your delusions, loser brain?! That's
IMPOSSIBLE!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Hey! It could happen!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Make it so, MISTERB."
LT. MISTERB: "Why me?! Oh, wait...that's my job. Aye, sir."
(LT. MISTERB engages the transporter controls and attempts to transport the
entire ship one foot to the left. Needless to say, this is horribly
unsuccessful.)
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COMM. CONDOR: "SEE! I TOLD YOU IT WOULDN'T WORK!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Oh gee! Everybody dump on ME!" 8(
COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "Now you see it...now you don't...not see it. NOT! I
think...not, no...wait!" 8)
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Impact in 2 seconds."
CAPT. TREKKER: "Brace yourselves!"
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(Suddenly, the ship rocks violently, and everyone is thrown to the floor.)
CAPT. TREKKER: "STATUS!"
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "A crumpled candy wrapper has impacted the starboard
nacelle, sir. We are venting drive plasma."
COMM. CONDOR: "BRIDGE TO CREW! ALL HANDS TO EMERGENCY ESCAPE...THINGIES!
SOON-TO-BE-CAPTAINS AND BABES FIRST!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "Belay that, Commander!"
LT. COMM. SIROTTO: "SIROTTO to BRIDGE! We're losing antimatter containment!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Attempting to eject warp core, sir."
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "Hmmm...ejection procedures are ineffective, sir."
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING...ANTIMATTER CONTAINMENT AT 17% AND FALLING."
COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "WE'RE DOOMED!"
CAPT. TREKKER: "TREKKER to CREW! ALL HANDS ABANDON SHIP! REPEAT! ALL HANDS
ABAN..."
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(As you probably guessed, the VAXERPRISE was destroyed. So, for lack of a
better venue, we shift our viewpoint to the bridge of the USS MINKOWSKI.)
CAPT. PINK: "Wow! She blow'd up REEEEAL GOOD!" 8)
COMM. DREDD: "Hmmm...how unfortunate." 8)
CAPT. PINK: "Mr. TUSCON, were you able to get the registry on that vessel?"
LT. COMM. TUSCON: "Yes, sir. It was the USS VAXERPRISE...NCC-1313."
CAPT. PINK: "Hmmm...contact Starfleet and notify them."
LT. COMM. TUSCON: "Aye, sir."
CAPT. PINK: "Helm, plot a couse to 135 Mark 00."
LT. ADVISORY: "Course plotted, sir."
CAPT. PINK: "Engage."
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Was the VAXERPRISE really destroyed? YES! 8)
Will TREKKER ever...uh...hmmm.
Will the strobes on the bridge be turned...hmmm.
Gee, since the VAXERPRISE is gone, I guess I have no more questions.
So, tune in...later for the exciting
continuation of VAXTREK V! I hope.
"Boldly Going Forward, Well...at least we USED to."
[Main Menu]
[Part I]
[Part II]
[Conclusion]