Vaxtrek 6 - Part I

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VAX...The Final Frontier.

These are the voyages of the starship Vaxerprise.

Our continuing mission: to seek out that which is silly;

To explore that which is funny;

To boldly go...where no VAX 6320 has gone...before!

_____________________________________________________________________

This semester's episode:

I, BORK

Written by:
TREKKERPRISE

Based ever so loosely on the episode:
I, BORG

Adaptation for MBBS:
Monty's Q-Scan Emporium

Musical Score Performed by:
Strontium 90

Produced by:
Jo-Jo The Giant Prairie Dog

Directed by:
Meniscus Head The Magic Ferret

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                    .   __                         __            .
                       /  \        __---__        /  \
                     __\__/_____---_______---__##_\__/__
                     \_________________________________/
                            \\_   \_______/   _//                       .
          .                   \\_   `---'   _//
                                \\..-|_|-..//
.                .               `/ .---. \'                 .
                                 | |  o  |##
                                  \ `-_-'##
                                   `-----'




CAPT. TREKKER:  "Captain's Log, stardate 46138.2.  We're on final approach to
         	 Starbase 133.  All is well.  The decommission of this
		 vessel will take place tomorrow at 1100 hours."

LT. COMM. PHANTOM:  "Captain, we're receiveing a signal from the USS TALON."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "On screen."

     (The screen wavers and the image of a Starfleet commander appears.)

COMM. FORD:  "Greetings, Captain TREKKER.  This is the USS TALON, awaiting
              it's Captain."  8)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Very well, Commander.  Captain CONDOR will transport over 
                 within ten minutes."

COMM. FORD:  "Thank you, Captain."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "You're welcome.  ...And Commander?"

COMM. FORD:  "Yes?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "You're getting a fine Captain."  8)

COMM. FORD:  "Yes, sir!"  8)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "VAXERPRISE out."

LT. COMM. PHANTOM:  "Shall I inform Captain CONDOR, sir?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Yes, Commander.  Advise him to meet me in Transporter Room 
                 One in ten minutes for his departure."

LT. COMM. PHANTOM:  "Aye, sir."

           (We now shift our viewpoint to Transporter Room One...)

ENSIGN PODAR(singing):  "I'm so blue..."

                (In walks CAPTAIN CONDOR with his suitcase...)

ENSIGN PODAR(still singing):  "It had to be you..."

CAPT. CONDOR:  "Ahem!"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Oops...sorry, sir."

CAPT. CONDOR:  "Well, take care, Ensign.  As soon as the Captain gets here,
                I'm gone!"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "I'll miss you, sir.  *sniff*"

CAPT. CONDOR:  "I know you will, Ensign.  But I do have something for you
                before I go.  -Sort of a good-bye gift."

ENSIGN PODAR:  "For ME?!  Oh, sir, I didn't know you cared!"  8)

CAPT. CONDOR:  "Well, I don't.  But I got you this anyway."

  (CAPTAIN CONDOR rummages around in his suitcase a little and pulls out an
                                  envelope.)

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Oh, COOL!  Is this a promotion!?"  

CAPT. CONDOR:  "Well, no, but I think you'll like it!"  8)

  (ENSIGN PODAR opens up the envelope and pulls out the contents.  Instantly
                  the smile on his face turns into a frown.)

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Is this what I think it is?"

CAPT. CONDOR:  "Yep!  The ENTIRE script to the movie _Highlander II_!"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Sir, you REALLY shouldn't have."  8(

CAPT. CONDOR:  "True, but I figured, 'what the heck'!"  8)

                         (CAPTAIN TREKKER enters...)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Are you all set, Captain?"

CAPT. CONDOR:  "Yeppers!  I'm off to boldly go where no one has gone before!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Oh?  Are you exploring some far off sector for your first
                 mission?"

CAPT. CONDOR:  "No, I meant I'm going to go find God."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Um, Kirk tried to do that years ago."

CAPT. CONDOR:  "Yeah, but I have one thing he didn't."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "What's that?"

CAPT. CONDOR:  "Fuzzles III!  She's awaiting my arrival on board!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Heh.  I'm just glad she's on YOUR ship."

CAPT. CONDOR:  "Hmph!  Fine.  I'm leaving.  Adios, mon-former-Capitan!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Goodbye, CONDOR.  Ensign, energize."

ENSIGN PODAR (still sulking over the 'gift'):  "Huh?  Oh.  Ok."

               (CAPTAIN CONDOR is beamed off the VAXERPRISE to
                     forever find adventures on his own.)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Is something wrong, Ensign?"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "YES!  MY LIFE IS WORTHLESS!  TOTALLY WORTHLESS!  NO ONE LOVES
                ME!  BABIES CRY WHEN THEY SEE MY FACE!  CHILDREN RUN TO THEIR 
                PARENTS WHEN I COME NEAR!  MY OWN MOTHER ONCE TOLD ME I WAS
                NOTHING MORE THAN A WALKING LIABILITY!  MY PANTS ITCH and I
                NEVER GET A PROMOTION! *SNIFF!*"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "No, no.  I meant is something wrong with the transporter?"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Um, *sniff*, no..."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Ah!  Very good, then!  Carry on!"  8)

                         (CAPTAIN TREKKER leaves...)

ENSIGN PODAR(to himself):  "*sniff*  I'm so unloved.  My only friend has been 
                            promoted to First Officer and I'm stuck down here
                            with bad gifts..."  8(

                                   *FWOOSH*

Z:  "Yep, your life is pretty crappy!  Bye!"  8)

                                   *FWOOSH*

                (Meanwhile...on the bridge of the USS TALON.)
                                                     
 .                       .           _________________________________________ 
                ______               \  <=== USS TALON ===== NCC-1341 ====   / 
_____________---______---___________  \_____________________________________/ 
\___________________________________|       /   _/      
              \________/ \  .  ..   \      /  _/         
                `----'  ,-'----------`-___/__/______.-------.
.                       \   <====-- ::. :     ______________/
                         \    <----  .  _____/         
         :                \____________/                   .


LT. COMM. ARIES:  "So, what do you think the new Captain will be like?"

LT. COMM. ARES:  "I don't know.  I heard he's Starfleet's best."

LT. SHERLOCK:  "I served with him on the VAXERPRISE.  He was voted best
                First Officer four months in a row!"

LT. BEEBOPPER:  "But wait.  Starships only HAVE one First Officer."

LT. SHERLOCK:  "You forget.  We're talking about the VAXERPRISE.  We tended
                to forget things like that."  8)

COMM. FORD:  "May I have your attention please?  Before the Captain arrives
              on the bridge, I'd like to go over the crew roster.  Commander
              ARES?"

LT. COMM. ARIES: "Yes?"

LT. COMM. ARES:  "Yes?"

COMM. FORD:  "Uh...this is going to be confusing."

LT. COMM. ARES:  "Not necessarily.  I'm a minor character, so I'll rarely be
                  in the same place as LT. COMM. ARIES."

LT. COMM. ARIES:  "But, what if we're in Ten Forward at the same time?"

LT. BEEBOPPER:  "But we...don't HAVE a Ten Forward."

LT. COMM. ARES:  "Then we won't have to worry about it, will we?"  8)

COMM. FORD:  "STOP THE IDLE CHATTER!  LT. COMM. ARES, you are to report
              to engineering."

LT. COMM. ARIES:  "Aye, sir."

COMM. FORD:  "NOT YOU!  LT. COMM. ARES!"

LT. COMM. ARIES:  "I *am* LT. COMM. ARIES!"

COMM. FORD:  "STOP IT!!!"

              (Suddenly, Captain CONDOR arrives on the bridge.)

CAPT. CONDOR:  "Greetings, all!"

LT. SHERLOCK:  "CAPTAIN ON THE BRIDGE!"

CAPT. CONDOR:  "WHAT?!  WHERE?!  Oh...that's me."

COMM. FORD:  "Sir, may I introduce your bridge crew.  LT. BEEBOPPER on Tactical
              & Weapons, LT. SHERLOCK, whom you know..."

CAPT. CONDOR:  "Good to see you again, Lieutenant!"

LT. SHERLOCK:  "I'm looking forward to this new assignment, sir."  8)

COMM. FORD:  "LT. SHERLOCK is your Helm & Navigation officer, and LT. COMM.
              ARIES is in charge of Ops."

LT. COMM. ARIES:  "But...I thought I was in ENGINEERING!"

COMM. FORD:  "NO!  LT. COMM. ARES IS IN ENGINEERING!!!"

LT. COMM. ARIES:  "I *AM* LT. COMM. ARIES!"

COMM. FORD:  "STOP THAT!"

CAPT. CONDOR:  "I think I'm going to have FUN here!"  8)


                    .     ___                   ___            .
                         |___|     _______     |___|
                  ________\_/___---.--.--.---___\_/________
                  \________\\______\__:__/______//________/
                             \\_  \|     |/  _//                        .
          .                    \\ _|=====|_ //  
                 .              `/ /|||||\ \'                .
                                 \_-------_/
                                  \       /
                                   `-----'


           (Meanwhile back on the bridge...of the USS VAXERPRISE.)


SENSUAL STARBASE VOICE (over intercom):  "Docking complete."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Thank you, Starbase.  VAXERPRISE confirms."

LT. MISTERB:  "Can I GO now?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Yes.  You seem awfully bitter, MISTERB."

LT. MISTERB:  "Hmph."

                            (LT. MISTERB leaves.)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Well, everyone, meet at Base Command at 1030 hours."

LT. COMM. PHANTOM:  "In 1,030 hours?!  My God, that's 43 DAYS!!!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "No, I mean at 10:30am."

LT. COMM. PHANTOM:  "Oh, ok!  That's a lot sooner."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "So, like, is this it?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "What do you mean?"

LT. OVERDOSE (in his Russian accent):  "Vill ve get another ship?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I have no idea."

                        (Meanwhile in Ten Forward...)

SOCRATES:  "LAST CALL!  FREE FIGGY-FIZZ FOR ALL!"

TEN FORWARD PATRONS:  "Huzzah!"

                               (At a table...)

LT. SKYE:  "Well, do you want to be the one to give me my final backrub
            aboard this ship?"

LT. STONEWALL:  "No.  The sooner I get off this ship, the better."

LT. SKYE:  "Why?"

LT. STONEWALL:  "'Cause I'm bitter."

LT. SKYE:  "Wh?"

                         (LT. ZENMASTER walks over.)

LT. ZENMASTER:  "I'll give you a rub!  You haven't HAD a rub until you've had
                 a DISGUSTING MAN rub."

LT. SKYE:  "Ooh, baby!  Lay those hands on me!"

LT. ZENMASTER:  "Heh heh.  Brace yourself..."

(LT. ZENMASTER begins rubbing her shoulders, then, true to his name, he starts
              slobbering all over her neck, quite disgustingly.)

LT. SKYE:  "Hey, what are you-?"

LT. ZENMASTER:  "Don't you like it?"

LT. SKYE:  "Well, yeah, but it's, well, disgusting."

LT. ZENMASTER:  "Thank you."  8)

                     (At another table in Ten Forward...)

LT. FABBABE:  "So this is the big goodbye, I guess."

LT. GHOST:  "Yeah.  Too bad, I think."

LT. FABBABE:  "Well, I'll certainly miss our talks."

LT. GHOST:  "Me too."

LT. FABBABE:  "So, what would you like to talk about today?"

LT. GHOST:  "Hmmm.  Have I ever told you my mother makes the best brisket?"

LT. FABBABE:  "Uh, no..."

LT. GHOST:  "Well, she does.  Are you gonna eat that pickle?"

LT. FABBABE:  "No...here."

LT. GHOST:  "Thanks.  *munch-munch*"

LT. FABBABE:  "I think I should go..."

LT. GHOST:  "Wait!  First I have to tell you about the time I was in the
             desert, left for dead, when suddenly I found this bottle of
             beer, and..."

LT. FABBABE:  "*Sigh*"

                          (At yet another table...)

LT. MORPHEUS:  "*Sigh*"

LT. MISTERSPOCK:  "What's wrong?"

LT. MORPHEUS:  "I'm gonna miss this ship."

LT. MISTERSPOCK:  "I'm not.  Good riddance, I say."

LT. MORPHEUS:  "That's a very emotional statement, especially from you."

LT. MISTERSPOCK:  "I'll tell you a secret..."

LT. MORPHEUS:  "What?"

LT. MISTERSPOCK:  "Well, Vulcans aren't really emotionless...we just 
                   pretend."

LT. MORPHEUS:  "Why?"

LT. MISTERSPOCK:  "Sex appeal."

LT. MORPHEUS:  "WHAT?!"

LT. MISTERSPOCK:  "Which word didn't you understand?"

LT. MORPHEUS:  "I think I need a drink..."


            (Meanwhile...in an obscure corner of Federation space)


                           _                     _                          .
               .          / \       _____       / \   
    .                 =================================         .
                           ||_____|`_____'|_____||
                                ,|__.---.__|,
                         .     // \ |<*>| / \\                     .
          .                  _//   `-----'   \\_   .         .
                            / \               / \
                            \_/         .     \_/

                     .

LT. ACE:  "Captain, we're receiving a distress call from Origami 3."

CAPTAIN FIREDRAKE:  "On screen."

LT. ACE:  "It's audio only, sir."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Very well, on speakers."

FRENZIED NATIVE OF ORIGAMI 3:  "...CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?  THIS IS ORIGAMI 3!
                                WE ARE UNDER ATTACK, AND IN DESPERATE NEED
                                OF ASSISTANCE!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "LT. ACE, open hailing frequencies

LT. ACE:  "Aye, sir." 

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Origami 3.  This is CAPTAIN Edward FIREDRAKE of the USS
                   NOSTROMO.  What appears to be the problem?"

FRENZIED NATIVE OF ORIGAMI 3:  "WE'RE BEING ATTACKED!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Attacked?  By whom?"

FRENZIED NATIVE OF ORIGAMI 3:  "THE BORK!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "The WHO?"

FRENZIED NATIVE OF ORIGAMI 3:  "No, not The WHO!  The BORK!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "What do they want?"

FRENZIED NATIVE OF ORIGAMI 3:  "The only message we received from them
                                mentioned something about them wanting to add
                                our culinary knowledge and distinctiveness to 
                                their own.  AAAUUGGH!!!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE (Rapidly rising out of his chair):  "WHAT'S THE MATTER?!"

FRENZIED NATIVE OF ORIGAMI 3:  "ONE OF THEM JUST ENTERED MY ROOM!  AAUUGH!
                                GO AWAY!!!   LEAVE US ALONE!!!"

BORK #655321:  "YOO VILL BE ASEEMILATED!  REEZISTANCE IZ FYOOTILE, YAH!"

FRENZIED NATIVE OF ORIGAMI 3:  "AAAAAAIIIIEEE!"

                     (Suddenly, the channel goes silent)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "ORIGAMI 3!  THIS IS THE USS NOSTROMO!  CAN YOU READ US?!
                   ORIGAMI 3?!!"

LT. ACE:  "We've lost the signal, sir."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "HELM!  PLOT A COURSE TO ORIGMAMI 3.  WARP 9!"

LT. COWJUICE:  "Aye, sir."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "FIREDRAKE to COMMANDER CAJUN.  Please report to the bridge."

COMM. CAJUN:  "CAJUN here.  I'm on my way."

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Captain, the engine room reports they're ready."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Excellent!  LT. COWJUICE, engage!"

LT. COWJUICE:  "Aye aye, Cap'n!"

             _______.                                           _______.
                                   _______.

       ______________________________              _______
      |____NCC_3301____USS_NOSTROMO_/    ##============================
                     ________|__|________/________/`-----'
                     \=_____________  _____--==> /            _______.
_______.                            \_|   /_____/                   -------.
        _______.     _________________|__/__
                    |______________________/        _______.

                                      _______.


  (Back at Starbase 133, it is 10:00 am.  CAPTAIN TREKKER has been summoned
     to a special meeting of top brass before the decommission ceremony.
    Seated around the conference table are several admirals, LT. OVERDOSE,
     LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA, LT. COMM. PHANTOM, and LT. MISTERB.  As of yet
              there is no one seated at the head of the table.)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "What are we doing here?"

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Maybe they're throwing us a retirement party."

LT. COMM. PHANTOM:  "That suits me, I just bought a Lark."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "If we're all here, where's SIROTTO?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Some sort of assignment, I think.  Where's EINSTEIN?"

   (Suddenly an Admiral rings a bell at the head of the table, calling the
                              meeting to order.)

ADMIRAL TRIBBLE:  "Ladies and Gentlemen, The C-IN-C."

                              (Everyone rises.)

LT. OVERDOSE (whispering to CAPT. TREKKER):  "Music factory?"

               (In walks the COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF of Starfleet.)

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "As you were."

                        (Everyone takes their seats.)

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "Recently, we've had trouble in sector 95, where the
                 Cardassians and the BeJorans have finally, we hope,
                 settled their differences.  However, to protect Federation
                 interests in that sector, we need officers to run the
                 Space Station known as Deep Row I.  Because of his current
                 bitterness aboard the USS VAXERPRISE, LT. MISTERB is 
                 hereby given the field promotion to COMMANDER and ordered to
                 take command of this station along with several crew of
                 his choosing from the VAXERPRISE, per CAPTAIN TREKKER's
                 approval."

COMM. MISTERB:  "Sir?"

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "You, CAPTAIN TREKKER, are going to take him there."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Me?!"

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "There are several people who are unwilling to have the
                 Federation run Deep Row I.  But they'll think twice
                 about attacking the VAXERPRISE under your command."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "But my ship is to be decommissioned, sir.  Even if you
                 delay the decommission, the ship is in no shape for such
                 a journey."

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "That's where your wrong, Captain.  COMPUTER, display visual
                 of Spacedock Bay 4."

STARBASE COMPUTER:  "ACKNOWLEDGED."

    (The conference room viewscreen wavers for a second then produces the
                                following...)


            _____________________________________________________
           /   ...    ..__   ...    ...     ...    __.    ...    \
          |    ...    ./  \  ...   __---__  ...   /  \    ...     |
          |    ...   __\__/_____---_______---_###_\__/__  ...     |
          |    ...   \_________________________________/  ...     |
          |    ...    ...   \\_.  \_______/ .._//  ...    ...     |      
          |    ...    ...    .\\_   `---'   _//    ...    ...     |
          |    ...    ...    ...\\..-|_|-..//.     ...    ...     |
          |    ...    ...    ... `/ .---. \'..     ...    ...     |
          |    ...    ...    ... | |  o  |##..     ...    ...     |
          |    ...    ...    ...  \ `-_-'##...     ...    ...     |
          |    ...    ...    ...   `-----' ...     ...    ...     |
          |    ...    ...    ...    ...    ...     ...    ...     |
           \_____________________________________________________/



CAPT. TREKKER:  "That's my ship.  You can see the damage from here."

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "True, but this is not the ship you're taking to DEEP ROW I.
                 COMPUTER, display Spacedock Bay 5."

            _____________________________________________________
           /                                                     \
          |   ..        ___           ..          ___         ..  |
          |   ..       |_|_|       __---__       |_|_|        ..  |
          |   ..     ___\_/_____---_______---_____\_/___      ..  |
          |   ..     \_________________________________/      ..  |
          |   ..          ..\\_   \_______/   _// ..          ..  |      
          |   ..          ..  \\_   `---'   _//   ..          ..  |
          |   ..          ..    \\..-|_|-..//     ..          ..  |
          |   ..          ..     `/ .---. \'      ..          ..  |
          |   ..          ..     | | ( ) | |      ..          ..  |
          |   ..          ..      \ `___' /       ..          ..  |
          |   ..          ..       `-----'        ..          ..  |
           \_____________________________________________________/


C-IN-C SMILIE:  "Behold the NEW USS VAXERPRISE, NCC-1313-A!"

CAPT. TREKKER (smiling):  "Cool!"

COMM. MISTERB:  "Big deal.  I'm bitter.  Let's go."

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "CAPTAIN TREKKER, report to your new vessel.  Meeting 
                 ajourned!"  8)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I'm so happy, I can hardly contain myself!"  8)

COMM. MISTERB:  "Bleh."

                                      __ 
                   .           .------||------.                            .
                    .-------------------------------------.      
                 __/   ..  ..      ___..___      ..  ..    \__     
              __/                 /   ||   \                  \__   .
           __/ ... ..: ... .:.   |    ||    |   . . : .  :. .  . \__   
        __/                      |    ||    |                       \__  
     __/   ... ..  ..:  ... ..    \___||___/    ...  :..  . .  ...     \__ 
  __/                                 ::                                  \__
 /____________________________________'`_____________________________________\ 
 `---------------------------------------------------------------------------'
                           |  [1]  [2]  [3]  [4]  |
  .                        |______________________|
                         _/                        \_
                       _/   ...   ...   ...   ...    \_
             .        /                                \
                     |.. ..  ..  ..  ..  ..  ..  ..  .. |        .
                     |                                  |
           .          `--------------------------------'
                               |              |
                               | .. .. .. ..  |      .                 .
                               |              |
                               | .. .. .. ..  |            .
                               |              |
            .                  | .. .. .. ..  |
                               |______________|                   .
                             _/                \_
       .                    /    ..   ..   ..    \
      :                    |  ...  ...  ...  ...  |
                            \_                  _/
                              \________________/
                                   |      |
                     .             |..  ..|              .
                                   |..  ..|
                                   |______|
                                    \____/ 
          .                          | ||                          .
                                     | ||
                                     ^ |:
                                       |
                                       :


 (Meanwhile...in The 56 Forward Lounge...aboard Starbase 133, several of the
    crew members of the VAXERPRISE are partaking in some...entertainment.)


LT. VENKMAN:  "We've been here for 20 minutes.  When is she gonna take her
               clothes off?!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "I've already TOLD you!  She's a Moebius Stripper.  No matter
                  how many articles of clothing she takes off, she remains
                  fully dressed!  Neat, huh?!"  8)

LT. VENKMAN:  "Hmmmph...sounds kinda stupid if you ask me."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "That's Starbase 133 for ya.  So, did you hear the good news?"

LT. VENKMAN:  "What good news?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "I've heard through the grapevine that we're getting a
                  new ship!"

LT. VENKMAN:  "REALLY?!  Wow!  I hope my quarters are bigger!  I'll be able
               to hang up my 56 X 80 inch poster of Julia Roberts!"

     (Suddenly...LT. COMM. SIROTTO walks up to EINSTEIN & VENKMAN's table
                    holding a frosty glass of Figgy Fizz.)

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Hey, guys!  Mind if I join you?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "No, not at all.  Have a seat."

LT. COMM. SIROTTO (Being seated):  "Thanks.  So.  What are you guys up to?"

LT. VENKMAN:  "Well, at the moment we're watching some goofy chick take her
               clothes off."

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "When does she start?"

LT. VENKMAN:  "She started over 20 minutes ago."

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "But she's still fully clothed!"

LT. VENKMAN:  "I know."  8(

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "But...but?"

SENSUAL STARBASE VOICE (over intercom):  "Will all senior crew members of the
                                          USS VAXERPRISE please report to the
                                          main transporter room."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Well, that's us men!  We're off on a new adventure!"

LT. VENKMAN:  "Oh...joy.  Can we bring the babe with us?"  8(

COMM. EINSTEIN (rising from the table):  "Come on...let's go."

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "But wait!  I'm still confused about the stripper chick!"
                                                                      

                    (Meanwhile in orbit above Origami 3.)
       .
                                    .
                                                                    .
       ______________________________              _______
      |____NCC_3301____USS_NOSTROMO_/    ##============================
                     ________|__|________/________/`-----'
                     \=_____________  _____--==> /
  .                                 \_|   /_____/                    .
           .         _________________|__/__
                    |______________________/OOOOO   .
                          OOOOO                /OOOOO           .
                       OOO /       _______    /   |  OOO
                     OOO  /      _/       \  /     \    OO
                   OOO\  |      /          \/       \_____OOO
          .      OO    \_|     /                            OO
                OO            |          o                    OO
              OO               \        o      o               OO
             OO                 \                               OO


LT. COWJUICE:  "Sir, we have achieved standard orbit."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Excellent.  What is the planet's status?"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Well...it's round."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "No, no, no!  I mean, what is the current status of the
                   planet's inhabitants?"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Ah!  Well, according to the display thingy here, no higher
                    life forms exist on the planet's surface."

COMM. CAJUN:  "Great Scott!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Are there any ships in the area?"

LT. ACE:  "No, sir.  However, I am detecting relatively strong subspace
           eddy currents on course 115 Mark 06."

COMM. CAJUN:  "Do you think they belong to the BORK vessel?"

LT. ACE:  "It's quite possible."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Very well.  Plot a course along those eddy currents, Warp
                   9.  Before we go, launch a class 1 probe to the surface.
                   We'll monitor its telemetry en route."

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Aye, sir.  Preparing to launch probe."

LT. COWJUICE:  "Course has been plotted and engaged, sir."

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "The probe is also ready, sir."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Perfect!  Launch probe and engage warp drive."

LT. COMM WANKER:  "Aye, sir.  Launching probe."

COMM. CAJUN:  "Captain, I have a question."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Yes, Number One?"

COMM. CAJUN:  "If and when we FIND the BORK vessel, what are we going to DO 
               with it?  The last time the Federation encountered the BORK
               was over 2 years ago."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Hmmm...well, the VAXERPRISE survived, didn't it?  If THEY
                   managed to defeat the BORK, anybody can!"

COMM. CAJUN:  "You have a point there."

                           _                     _                         .
               .          /_\       _____       /_\ 
    .                 ====\_/=====---------=====\_/====         .
                           ||_____|__|_|__|_____||
                                ,|_________|,
                         .     // \ [|||] / \\                     .
          .                  _//   `-----'   \\_   .
                            /_\               /_\
                            \_/               \_/
                                                                 .

             (Later, on the bridge of the ALL-NEW VAXERPRISE...)

 ..          ..          ..          ..          ..          ..          ..
 .___======_________________________________     ..          ..          ..
 .\ === USS VAXERPRISE = NCC 1313-A ==>==  /     ..        __--__        ..
 ..\______________________________________/ ____________---______---___________
 ..          ..          ..\_    \   ..     \_________________________________/
 ..          ..          ..  \_   \  ..      /  : ..  _/  \______/       ..
 ..          ..          ..    \_  \ ..     /  :   _ /      `--'         ..
 ..          ..          ..  ____\_ \______'-------===,      ..          .. 
 ..          ..          .. /_|    \_|    : .::.     | |     ..          ..
 ..          ..          .. \____ .:     --========>== |     ..          ..
 ..          ..          ..      ----___             | |     ..          ..
 ..          ..          ..          .. --------------'      ..          ..
 ..          ..          ..          ..          ..          ..          ..
 ..          ..          ..          ..          ..          ..          ..


CAPT. TREKKER:  "Prepare to recall all personnel."

COMM. MISTERB:  "I'm working on it.  It's hard to work when you're bitter,
                 you know."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Computer, locate COMMANDER EINSTEIN."

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "COMMANDER EINSTEIN IS NOT ABOARD THE VAXERPRISE."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "TREKKER to EINSTEIN, come in plaese."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "EINSTEIN here, sir."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Why are you not aboard ship?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "I'm in one of the new shuttles outside the station.  These
                  things are SO cool!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "MISTERB, put him on screen."

COMM. MISTERB:  "Here you go..."


           __________________________________________________
          /     .    ________.--------.                      \
         |         / _   _   .--------.~~-_                   |
         |     .  / | |  _|  |  ____  |    ~-_      .         |
         |       /  |_| |_   | |    | |       ~-_             |      
         |      /            | `----' |          ~-_          |
         |     /==NCC-1313-A=|========|======(>)    ~-_       |
         |     \~~~~~~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~~~~~~__-'      |               
         |      \            |        | Pong  __--~~          |              
         |       \           `--------' __--~~                |
         |        |~||~~~~~~~~~~~~~~||~~---__           .     |
         |   .    |_||______________||__---~~'         :      |
         |                                                    |
          \__________________________________________________/



CAPT. TREKKER:  "Commander, we will be leaving drydock shortly."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "I'll have the PONG rendezvous with you as soon as you clear
                  the space doors."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Very well."

                    (Meanwhile in Transporter Room One...)

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Vaxerprise to Starbase Transporter 27, we're ready on this end.
                Who's next?"

LT. TATIANA:  "Starbase here.  Just LT. MORPHEUS, sir."

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Very well, I will... ***AH-CHOO!!!***"

           (ENSIGN PODAR sneezes all over the transporter console.)

LT. TATIANA:  "Is something wrong up there?"

ENSIGN PODAR (wiping his nose):  "Nob, eberythin' is fine.  Energizing...."

 (As PODAR energizes, some of his mucus seeps into the console, thus causing
                              some problems...)

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Uh-oh!  I'm having a minor problem here!  Starbase, boost your
                signal!"

LT. TATIANA:  "Already at full power!  Is he ok?"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Um...well, what do you mean by ok?"

LT. TATIANA:  "Is he alive?"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Um, well, yes and no."

LT. TATIANA:  "What do you mean?"

                         (Meanwhile on the bridge...)

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "Sir, I just detected a malfunction in Transporter Room
                       One."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "What sort of malfunction."

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "I am not sure, sir..."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Transporter Room One, report your status!"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Um, well, you know LT. MORPHEUS?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Yes." 

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Well, um, he's kind of...changed."
                
CAPT. TREKKER:  "What do you mean?"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Well, um..."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "SPIT IT OUT, MAN!"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "He's GREEN!"
                                           
CAPT. TREKKER:  "GREEN?!"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I feel snotty."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "ENSIGN PODAR, conduct him to Sickbay."

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Aye, sir."

                      (Back in the transporter room...)

ENSIGN PODAR:  "C'mon, let's go..."

LT. MORPHEUS:  "I feel so funky...kind of like a GOBLIN."

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Well, then, c'mon, LT. GOBLIN."

LT. GOBLIN:  "Hey!  I LIKE that!  From now on, call me LT. GOBLIN."

ENSIGN PODAR:  "I just did."

LT. GOBLIN:  "Oh yeah!"

                 (Meanwhile, in a quadrant far, far away....)


                                   .               .
             __-,                               ___ _________  .
          __(__)|___                    _______/   |________|         .
         `----------|_______________---/       `----_____|___ 
    .     (      ___+-----------------<---------_____________-----_ 
           `-----                      `-----------'      |  +---_/  .
                          .                          ____/__/___/_____ 
                           .                        |   ======        || 
.                                                   |_________________|| 
 


COMM. K'ISMET:  "Hold position here."

K'URVEY:  "Aye, sir."

CAPT. K'CELESTE:  "How long until the rendezvous?"

COMM. K'ISMET:  "They are probably here now."

CAPT. K'CELESTE:  "Open a channel."

LT. K'MEGABETH:  "Open, your grace."

CAPT. K'CELESTE:  "Are you there, my pretty?"

VOICE OVER SPEAKER:  "Of course, my queen..."

LT. K'MEGABETH:  "SIR!  SOMETHING DE-CLOAKING AHEAD!"

CAPT. K'CELESTE:  "On screen!"

         ____________________________________________________________
        /                                                            \
       |      .      .---------.____            .                     |       
       |           / |        |||\  ~~~--_               ____         |
       |        __|-------------| |~~~~~~~~----______--~~    ~~-_     |
       |       | _|-_           |_|                  =============    |
       |       |_|   ~~---------'__\_____------~~~~~~--.______.-~     |
       |        |__|~~ ~-__/   ~-_~-_                                 |
       |           ~--__   ~-__/  ~-_~-_         .       .       .    |      
       |                ~--__  ~-__/ ~-_~-_             :             |
       |                     ~--__ ~-___/  ~-_                        |
       |         .                ~--__       ~-_                     |
       |  .                           [__________]=====[[             |
       |             .                                                |
        \____________________________________________________________/


LT. K'MEGABETH:  "Bird of Prey off the Port Bow!"

CAPT. K'CELESTE:  "CAPTAIN K'UDDLES.  Please come aboard.  We have much to
                   discuss..."


  (Back on board the VAXERPRISE, they have left spacedock and are preparing
                                 to depart.)


                    .   ___                       ___            .
                       |_|_|       __---__       |_|_|
                     ___\_/_____---_______---_____\_/___
                     \_________________________________/
                            \\_   \_______/   _//                       .
          .                   \\_   `---'   _//
                             .--\\..-|_|-..//--. 
.                .  .------------`/ .---. \'--------------.  .
                 __/    ..  ..   | |  o  | |    ..  ..     \__
              __/                 \ `___' / \                 \__
           __/     ...  ..:  .   | `-----'  |   ..   ..:  ..   . \__
        __/                      |    ||    |                       \__  
     __/   ... ..  ..:  ... ..    \___||___/    ...  :..  . .  ...     \__ 
  __/                                 ::                                  \__
 /____________________________________'`_____________________________________\ 
 `---------------------------------------------------------------------------'
                           |  [1]  [2]  [3]  [4]  |
  .                        |______________________|
                         _/                        \_
                       _/   ...   ...   ...   ...    \_
             .        /                                \
                     |.. ..  ..  ..  ..  ..  ..  ..  .. |        .
                     |                                  |
           .          `--------------------------------'
                               |              |
                               | .. .. .. ..  |      .                 .
                               |              |
                               | .. .. .. ..  |            .
                               |              |
            .                  | .. .. .. ..  |
                               |______________|                   .
                             _/                \_
       .                    /    ..   ..   ..    \
      :                    |  ...  ...  ...  ...  |
                            \_                  _/
                              \________________/
                                   |      |
                     .             |..  ..|              .
                                   |..  ..|
                                   |______|
                                    \____/ 
          .                          | ||                          .
                                     | ||
                                     ^ |:
                                       |
                                       :



CAPT. TREKKER:  "MR. OVERDOSE, set course for DEEP ROW I, and engage at warp
                 five."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Aye, sir!"

                                                             ____.
               ____.                              ____.
  ___======_________________________________      
  \ === USS VAXERPRISE = NCC 1313-A ==>==  /               __--__
   \______________________________________/ ____________---______---___________
                           \_    \          \_________________________________/
                     ____.   \_   \  ____.   /  : ..  _/  \______/
     ____.                     \_  \        /  :   _ /      `--'
                             ____\_ \______'-------===,                     
               ____.        /_|    \_|    : .::.     | |  
    ____.                   \____ .:     --========>== |      ____.
                                 ----___             | |              ____.
              ____.   ____.             --------------'        ____.

                                   ____.


                    (Meanwhile in the ALL-NEW Sick Bay...)

DOCTOR DOC:  "So now you're green?"

LT. GOBLIN:  "It would seem so."

DOCTOR DOC:  "Hmmm.  Are you in any pain?"

LT. GOBLIN:  "No."

DOCTOR DOC:  "Well, we'll fix that right away!"

LT. GOBLIN.  "Um, I think I have to go now..."

DOCTOR DOC:  "Nonsense!  STIMPY!  Bring the big needle!"

NURSE STIMPY:  "Joy!  I'll be right there!"

                (Meanwhile down in the ALL-NEW Ten Forward...)

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Man those new engines are REALLY cool!"

LT. FLOUNDER:  "Yeah, I saw them.  Now that the phaser power is channelled
                through the main engines, I wonder how much the beam intensity
                has increased?"

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "At least 25%, I'd say."

LT. SCRIB:  "Is that alot?"

LT. COMM. SIROTTO:  "Who knows?  The VAXERPRISE has never fired phasers.
                     ....Something about the graphics not being available."

LT. FLOUNDER:  "Huh?"

                               (At a table...)

ENSIGN CAT:  "So, do you WANT to go to DEEP ROW I?"

LT. MISTERB:  "Yes."

ENSIGN CAT:  "Why?"

LT. MISTERB:  "'Cause I have soot all over me, making me look black, and I'm
               bitter."

ENSIGN CAT:  "Why?"

LT. MISTERB:  "LOOK, IT'S A LONG STORY OKAY!?  LEAVE ME ALONE!"

ENSIGN CAT:  "Geez. Calm down.  It's not like I really care or anything, I was
              just trying to advance the plot!"

LT. MISTERB:  "Oh.  Well in that case...nevermind."

                      (Meanwhile...on the USS NOSTROMO.)

.                                  .                              .
                                                        
       ______________________________              _______
      |____NCC_3301____USS_NOSTROMO_/    ##============================
                     ________|__|________/________/`-----'
                     \=_____________  _____--==> /
  .                                 \_|   /_____/                    .
           .         _________________|__/__
                    |______________________/        .


LT. COWJUICE:  "Sir, we are secured from warp speed."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Excellent.  LT. ACE, any sign of the BORK vessel?"

LT. ACE:  "Uh...yes, sir.  They've changed course to intercept us."

COMM. CAJUN:  "SHIELDS!"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "COOL!  We'll get to see some ACTION!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Calm yourself, Commander.  LT. ACE, are we within sensor
                   range of the BORK vessel?"

LT. ACE:  "Yes, sir."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Perfect.  On screen."

LT. ACE:  "Aye, captain."

       (The screen wavers for a moment, and then, to everyone's horror
     the BORK vessel appears in all it's cybernetically culinary glory.)

         ____________________________________________________________
        /                             _                              \
       |                             |||                  .           |
       |    .          .-------------'-`--------------.               |
       |           .---|______________________________|---.           |
       |           `---|                              |---'           |
       |               |                              |  .            |
       |               |                              |               |
       |               |                              |           .   |
       |            .  |                              |               |  
       |   .           `______________________________'    .          | 
       |                                                              |
        \____________________________________________________________/


LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Hmmm...it LOOKS like a pot."

LT. ACE:  "According to our sensors, it's a Crockpot.  Mass...47 million tons,
           Color...black.  No signs of crew quarters, engineering section,
           bridge or bingo hall."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Interesting.  Open hailing frequencies."

LT. ACE:  "Frequency open, sir."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "This is CAPTAIN Edward FIREDRAKE of the USS NOSTROMO.  You
                   have entered Federation Space!  If you do not leave at once,
                   we will have no choice but to use force!"

                               (Dramatic pause)

LT. ACE:  "No response, sir."

COMM. CAJUN:  "Why doesn't that surprise me?"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Prepare photon torpedoes."

LT. COWJUICE:  "Aye, sir."

LT. ACE:  "Sir, we're being hailed."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "On screen."

 (Suddenly a picture of the inside of the Bork Vessel appears on the screen.)

BORK #000001:  "VEE ARE BORK.  YOO VILL BE ASEEMILATED.  REEZISTANCE IZ FYOOTILE."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "YOU HAVE ENTERED FEDERATION SPACE!  THIS VIOLATION IS..."

BORK #000001:  "VIOLATION IZ IRRELVANT, yah.  VEE VILL ADD YOUR CULINARY 
                DISTINCTIVENESS TO OUR OWN.  YOO VILL BE ASEEMILATED."

LT. COWJUICE:  "Why are they screaming?"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "It's an example of high drama.  By speaking in all caps,
                    they exhibit strong emotion.  Something that is difficult
                    to express in text form."

LT. COWJUICE:  "Thanks.  You're pretty smart!"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Hey!  That's what I'm here for."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "YOU WILL LEAVE FEDERATION SPACE...IMMEDIATELY!"

BORK #000001:  "REEZISTANCE IZ FYOOTILE.  IF YOO REZIST US, YOO VILL BE
                POONISHED, yah!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "OH YEAH!  WELL THINK AGAIN BUDDY!  LT. ACE, close the
                   channel!"

LT. ACE:  "Aye, sir."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Fire photon torpedoes!  Maximum spread!"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Firing torpedoes."

  
.                                  .                              .

       ______________________________              _______
      |____NCC_3301____USS_NOSTROMO_/    ##============================
                     ________|__|________/________/`-----'
                     \=_____________  _____--==> /      --==*  --==*  --==*
  .                                 \_|   /_____/                    .
           .         _________________|__/__
                    |______________________/        .


(The USS NOSTROMO fires its mondo-massive arsenal, but alas with no effect.)

                                        _
                                       |||                          .
                 .  *    .-------------'-`--------------.
                     \ * |___________.-----.____________|    
                      \| |           `-----'            |    
     --==*  --==*  .*--* |                              |                   
        	       | |                              |
                       | |                              |
	               * |                              |     .
    .   	         `______________________________'


CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Status."

LT. ACE:  "The photon torpedoes had no effect."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Fire phasers then!  Maximum intensity!"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Aye, sir.  Firing phasers."

          .                                    .

       ______________________________              _______
      |____NCC_3301____USS_NOSTROMO_/    ##============================
                     ________|__|________/________/`-----' -------------------*
                     \=_____________  _____--==> /
  .                                 \_|   /_____/                    .
           .         _________________|__/__
                    |______________________/        .


   (The phasers impact the giant Crockpot, but as expected, do no damage.)

                                        _
                                       |||                          .
                 .  *    .-------------'-`--------------.
                     \ * |___________.-----.____________|    
                      \| |           `-----'            |    
 ----------------------* |                              |                   
        	      /| |                              |
                     * | |                              |
	               * |                              |     .
    .   	         `______________________________'


LT. ACE:  "Still, no effect, sir."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Damn!"

LT. COWJUICE:  "SIR!  THE BORK VESSEL IS APPROACHING US!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Suggestions?!"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "RUN!"

COMM. CAJUN:  "Commander WANKER may have a point there, sir.  We've thrown
               all we can at them and they STILL haven't been damaged."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "So noted.  LT. COWJUICE, reverse course, full impulse
                   power."

LT. COWJUICE:  "Aye, sir.  Reversing course."
                   
          .
                                               .
                 _______              ______________________________
     ============================## . \_USS NOSTROMO____NCC_3301____|
                 `-----'\________\________|__|__________
       .                 \ <==--_____  _______________=/                  .
                          \_____\   |_/                   .
                .              __\__|__________________  
               .               \_______________________|


CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Status."

LT. ACE:  "They're continuing to gain on us, sir."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Set viewscreen to reverse view."

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Aye, sir."

         ____________________________________________________________
        /                             _                              \
       |                             |||                  .           |
       |    .          .-------------'-`--------------.               |
       |           .---|______________________________|---.           |
       |           `---|                              |---'           |
       |               |                              |  .            |
       |               |                              |               |
       |               |                              |           .   |
       |            .  |                              |               |  
       |   .           `______________________________'    .          | 
       |                                                              |
        \____________________________________________________________/


LT. ACE:  "Sir, they're attempting to lock their tractor beam on us."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Oh poop.  Fire aft photon torpedoes, and then crank us up
                   to warp 6."

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Aye, sir."

                                               .
                 _______              ______________________________
     ============================## . \_USS NOSTROMO____NCC_3301____|
                 `-----'\________\________|__|__________
       .                 \ <==--_____  _______________=/    --==*  --==*  --==*
                          \_____\   |_/                   .
                .              __\__|__________________  
                              .\_______________________|
 .


LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Photon torpedoes away.  Now engaging warp drive."

LT. COMM. RYKER:  "ENGINEERING to BRIDGE!  What's going on up there?!  I was
                   preparing to realign the dilithium crystals!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "You'll have to hold off on that for a while.  I'm going to
                   need all the power you have."

LT. COMM. RYKER:  "Oh...all right."  8(

LT. COWJUICE:  "Sir, the photon torpedoes had no effect.  They are now
                traveling at Warp 6.5."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Increase our speed to Warp 8."

LT. COWJUICE:  "Increasing speed."

COMM. CAJUN:  "I think we're in trouble."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Never say die, Number One."

COMM. CAJUN:  "I DIDN'T say 'die'.  I said that we're effectively doomed."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Regardless, it would be a bad example for the senior
                   officers, i.e. US, to show signs of..."

(Suddenly, the NOSTROMO is violently shaken, throwing everyone to the floor.)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "SHIELDS!!!"

LT. ACE:  "Shields are already up, sir.  The BORK have locked on a tractor
           beam."

LT. COWJUICE:  "...and we've dropped from warp speed, sir."

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "...and I'm having, chest...pains."     


        (Suddenly, 3 BORKS appear on the bridge of the USS NOSTROMO.)


BORK #321888:  "VEE ARE BORK!  YOO VILL BE ASEEMILATED!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "HEY!  GET OFF MY SHIP!"

BORK #256495:  "GETTINK OFF YOUR SHIP IZ IRRELEVANT, YAH!  YOO VILL BECOME
                PART OF OUR CULINARY CULTURE."

       (Suddenly, one of the BORKs whips out a Salad Shooter, and stuns
              everyone on the bridge, except LT. ACE...who ducks
                         behind the Captain's chair.)  


LT. ACE:  "NOSTROMO to STARFLEET COMMAND!  WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!  WE HAVE
           MADE CONTACT WITH THE BORK.  THEY'VE BOARDED THE SHIP, AND..."

BORK #294444:  "CRYINK VOR HILP IZ IRRELEVANT.  YOO VILL BE ASEEMILATED!"

LT. ACE:  "E-I-E-I Don't THINK so!"

  (LT. ACE, runs toward the emergency turbolift, only to be stunned on route
                        by an observant BORK #321888.)

BORK #256495:  "VEE ARE BORK!  VEE VILL ASEEMILATE YOO!"

LT. COMM. RYKER:  "Uh...bridge?  What's going on up there?"

                                   _
                                  |||                          .
            .       .-------------'-`--------------.
                .---|______________________________|---.
                `---|                              |---'
              .     |                              |                        .
                    |      _                     _ |                        .
               .    |     / \       _____       / \|  
    .               | =================================         .
                    |      ||_____|`_____'|_____|| |
                    `-----------,|__.---.__|,------'
                         .     // \ |<*>| / \\                     .
          .                  _//   `-----'   \\_   .
                            / \               / \
                            \_/               \_/


         (Meanwhile the USS VAXERPRISE is approaching DEEP ROW I...)

                                                      .
  ___======_________________________________      
  \ === USS VAXERPRISE = NCC 1313-A ==>==  /               __--__
   \______________________________________/ ____________---______---___________
                           \_    \          \_________________________________/
                         .   \_   \    .     /  : ..  _/  \______/
         .                     \_  \        /  :   _ /      `--'
                             ____\_ \______'-------===,                     
                   .        /_|    \_|    : .::.     | |  
        .                   \____ .:     --========>== |          .
                                 ----___             | |                  .
                  .       .             --------------'            .

                                      .



LT. OVERDOSE:  "We are secured from warp speed.  Approaching DEEP ROW I at
                one-quarter impulse power.  ETA 10 minutes."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Any sign of other vessels?"

LT. BIMBLE:  "No, sir."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Very good.  Bring us to within 10,000 kilometers of the
                 Space Station."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Aye, sir."

                  (Meanwhile in COMM. MISTERB's quarters...)

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Are you gonna be okay down there?"

COMM. MISTERB:  "Anywhere is better than here."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "I don't think so.  I mean, all your friends are here..."

COMM. MISTERB:  "Bah.  Who needs friends?  I'm bitter."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "You're weird."

COMM. MISTERB:  "Oh, go make a pizza..."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Hmph."

CAPT. TREKKER (over intercom):  "COMMANDER MISTERB, report to Transporter
                                 Room One for your departure.  Signal the
                                 others who are joining you."

COMM. MISTERB:  "Acknowledged.  MISTERB out."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Who are you taking with you?"

COMM. MISTERB (tapping his communicator):  "LT. STONEWALL, LT. TIPMO, LT.
                                            MIRROR, LT. RABBIT and LT. DIVA,
                                            report to Transporter Room One."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Ah."

COMM. MISTERB (picking up his suitcase):  "C'mon, let's go."

  (In a few minutes everyone is assembled in Transporter Room One.  MISTERB
                  and his crew are on the Transporter pads.)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Farewell, MISTERB.  And good luck."

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Yeah!  KaPlaH!"  8)

COMM. MISTERB:  "Huh?"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "It means success!"

COMM. MISTERB:  "Yeah, whatever.  Energize, PODAR."

  (ENSIGN PODAR engages the Transporter, thus sending MISTERB & co. to their
                              own adventures...)

                        ___             .         ___
                       |___|       __---__       |___| 
      .              ___\_/_____---.--.--.---_____\_/___                  .
                     \____\\_______\__:__/_______//____/
                            \\_   \__| |__/   _//
                              \\_   `| |'   _//
        .                       \\..=====..//         .          .
                   .             `/|||||||\'
                    .            |_-------_|                              .
                                  \       /
                                   `-----'
  .                                                 .

                      Will the VAXERPRISE be destroyed?

              What will become of the crew of the USS NOSTROMO?

        Why is COMM. MISTERB so bitter, and does it have anything with
                him being confined to an airlock in VAXTREK I?

_____________________________________________________________________

Tune in next time, for the exciting answers to
these and other incredible questions.

Only on BOARD #11: "Boldly going forward,
'Cause we like makin' friends!"

_____________________________________________________________________

[Main Menu] [Part I] [Part II] [Part III] [Part IV] [Conclusion]