Vaxtrek 8 - Part I

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VAX...The Final Frontier.

These are the voyages of the starship Vaxerprise.

Our continuing mission: to seek out that which is silly;

To explore that which is funny;

To boldly go...where no VAX 6320 has gone...before!

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This semester's episode:

"Lather, Rinse...Repeat If Desired"

Written by:
TREKKER & ENTERPRISE
or
ENTERPRISE & TREKKER

(Depending on your mood)

Based on the back of a Head & Shoulders bottle

Adaptation for MBBS:
Hossen-TREKKER Incorporated

Musical Score Performed by:
TIPMO & The (N)ext Key Jammers

Produced by:
Skin-So-Soapy Products

Directed by:
VALKRIS

_____________________________________________________________________

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Captain's Log...Stardate 48860.3.  We are on our way 
                 to explore the outermost reaches of the galaxy.  However
                 before we embark on our perilous journey we have stopped
                 at McDonald's to pick up...lunch.  End of log."

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "LOG ENTRY HAS BEEN RECORDED AND FILED."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "I WANT A HAPPY MEAL!  I WANT A HAPPY MEAL!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "I could really go for a charbroiled burger and some...
                  FRENCH FRIED POTATOES!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Uh...LTCOMDATA, what seems to be the hold up?"

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "There is a Starship ahead of us."

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "They've been sitting there for 30 minutes!  Honk the
                       horn."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "In SPACE?!"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "You know, in space...no one can hear you honk."  8)

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Hmmm...can you say SET UP?!"  8)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Put the offending vessel on screen."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Right away, Cap'n!"


 .-------------------------------------------------------------------------.
 |                                       \                                 |
 |                    CLEARANCE 400.63'   \         .                      |
 |----------------------------------------'                                |
 |                  |      _                     _           .          .  |
 |  .---------.     |     /_\       _____       /_\                        |
 |  |    |    |     | ====\_/=====---------=====\_/====                    |
 |  `---------'     |      ||_____|_/___\_|_____||                         |
 |  Drive-Thru      |            |_________|                               |
 |    Window        |             \ [|||] /                                |
 |------------------'   .          \_---_/          .             .        |
 |    .                                                          :         |
 `-------------------------------------------------------------------------'

LT. COMM. PYEWACKET:  "Ooo!  How pretty!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Open a channel."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Channel open, sir."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "This is Captain Jean-Luc TREKKER of the happy-go-lucky, yet
                 shamelessly unspirited USS VAXERPRISE.  SPEED IT UP, WILL ya!"


                    (Meanwhile...on the offending vessel)


CAPT. RED:  "I *SAID* I WANT 125 BIG MACS...15 OF THOSE WITHOUT PICKLES, 
             73 WITHOUT ONIONS, 29 WITH EXTRA KETCHUP.  I ALSO WANT 56
             HAPPY MEALS, 35 WITH THE BORK ACTION FIGURES, 21 WITH THE
             LT. VENKMAN ACTION PLAYSET!"

McDONALD's TRAINEE SEYMOUR:  "Ok...you want 29 BIG MACS...50 without pickles
                              17 without the free onions...LT. VENKMAN...and
                              a Happy Meal dipped in Ketchup?"

CAPT. RED:  "NO, NO, NO!  125 BIG MACS...15 OF THOSE WITHOUT..."

LT. COMM. SILF:  "Sir, the engines are overheating."

CAPT. RED:  "THANK YOU, COMMANDER...15 OF THOSE WITHOUT PICK..."

LT. COMM. DELIRIUM:  "Uh...we're also being hailed by the VAXERPRISE."

CAPT. RED:  "D'oh!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "This is Captain Jean-Luc TREKKER of the happy-go-lucky, yet
                 shamelessly unspirited USS VAXERPRISE!  We DON'T have all
                 day!  We have an episode to film you know!"

CAPT. RED:  "THIS is Captain Andrew T. RED of the exorbitantly expensive even
             though we bought the parts wholesale...USS FATHEAD!   Hold your
             horses!  I have 450 people to order for you know!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Oh, well since you put it THAT way.  TREKKER out."  8)

CAPT. RED:  "D'oh!"

McDONALDs TRAINEE SEYMOUR:  "Your order comes to $45,236.02.
                             Please drive around."

CAPT. RED:  "Number One, remind me not to stop here next time."

COMM. BLUE:  "I DID remind you not stop here.  But do you listen to me?"

CAPT. RED:  "Alright already!  Sheesh."

                (Meanwhile...on the bridge of the VAXERPRISE)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Hmmmm...let's go to Arby's."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "But I want a HAPPY MEAL!"  8(

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Look...how about if we get you a Beef-N-Cheddar Sandwich
                 and PRETEND it's a Happy Meal?"

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Hmmm...I don't know.  It wouldn't be the same without..."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Mr. LTCOMDATA, plot a course to Arby's.  Warp factor 7."

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "Aye, sir."

        _____.                                   _____.
  ___======_________________________________      
  \ === USS VAXERPRISE = NCC 1313-A ==>==  /               __--__
   \______________________________________/ ____________---______---___________
                           \_    \          \_________________________________/
                   _____.    \_   \   _____. /  : ..  _/  \______/
         _____.                \_  \        /  :   _ /      `--'
                             ____\_ \______'-------===,                     
              _____.        /_|    \_|    : .::.     | |  
                            \____ .:     --========>== |      _____.
      _____.                     ----___             | |            ______.
                          _____.        --------------'      _____. 
            _____.
                                 _____.


                  (Meanwhile...down in LT. SVEN's quarters)

LT. IRELAND (Caressing SVEN's earlobes):  "That was a lovely dinner, SVEN."

LT. SVEN:  "Thank you, Kathy.  Would you care for some...*wink-wink*
            ...dessert?"  8)

LT. IRELAND:  "Sure, honey.  I'd love some."  *kiss* 8)

LT. SVEN:  "Computer, reduce illumination to half."

 (At that moment, LT. SVEN and Kathy Ireland retire to the bed in the center
 of the room.  With cheap porno-movie music playing softly in the background,
        Ms. Ireland undresses herself seductively as LT. SVEN removes
his boots and communicator.  The now naked Ms. Ireland, with skin glistening,
    and chest heaving, begins to complete LT. SVEN's disrobing, being sure
                  to linger in all the appropriate places.)

LT. SVEN:  "Oooh...yes."  8)

LT. IRELAND (Slowly caressing LT. SVEN's chest):  "My!  You're so...studly."

LT. SVEN:  "Stud is my middle name, you know."  8)

LT. IRELAND:  "Ah..."

       (LT. SVEN and LT. IRELAND then climb into bed and begin to make
                         goo-goo eyes at each other.)

LT. SVEN:  "So...do you like it on top?"  8)

LT. IRELAND:  "Oooo...baby!  Do it to me!"

  (Suddenly, SVEN hears the sound of doors opening, which sound surprisingly
                            like Holodeck doors.)

ENSIGN PODAR (Seeing someone rolling around in the sheets):  "What's this 
	    						      crap?!"

LT. SVEN:  "WHAT THE?"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Computer, end program."

(Suddenly, all the objects in the room vanish, including the sultry Ms. Ireland.
  This of course leaves LT. SVEN lying on the floor next to his communicator
     in all his naked, and substantially aroused glory; or lack thereof.)

ENSIGN PODAR:  "LT. SVEN?!  What are you doing here?"

LT. SVEN:  "I was about to ask YOU the same thing!  WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ROOM?!"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "You're on Holodeck #5."

LT. SVEN:  "No, I'm not!  I came to my ROOM to have dinner with LT. IRELAND.
            This is my room!"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "No...this is Holodeck #5."

LT. SVEN:  "Don't give me that!  I haven't been to the Holodeck for over a
            WEEK!"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "A week?  Uh oh...did you say Lieutenant IRELAND?"

LT. SVEN:  "Yeah, what about her?"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "It wouldn't happen to be KATHY Ireland, would it?"

LT. SVEN:  "In fact, it is."

                 (At that, ENSIGN PODAR falls over laughing.)

LT. SVEN:  "What's so funny?"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Hahah...you ran IRELAND.EXE last week, didn't you?"  8)

LT. SVEN:  "Yeah...why?"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Hahaha...I wrote that program MONTHS ago.  You see, it simulates
                the entire ship and produces a scenario where the user...that's
                you...has a relationship with LIEUTENANT Kathy Ireland.
                Pretty flawless program, huh?"  8)

LT. SVEN:  "I should say so."  8(

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Hmmm...now that I think about it, I've heard people talking
                in Ten Forward about having not seen you in almost a week."

LT. SVEN:  "You mean I've been here for a WEEK?!  I'll get you for this, 
	    PODAR!"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Well, it's not MY fault!"

LT. SVEN:  "I feel so stupid."  8(

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Well, if you don't mind, I'm on break now, and I'd like to use
                the Holodeck."

LT. SVEN (Looking around quite dazed):  "Uh...yeah, sure."  8(

ENSIGN PODAR:  "You might want to cover up before you go out there.  The
                Captain has been doing random inspections lately, and I 
                wouldn't want him to see you like...that."

LT. SVEN:  "Oh, REALLY?!  Well as you've probably noticed, I have no clothes
            with me!"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "You have a point there.  TRANSPORTER ROOM #3...PODAR here.
                Lock onto LT. SVEN's communicator."

        (ENSIGN PODAR then tosses the communicator to LT. SVEN and it
                       lands a little below the belt.)

LT. SVEN:  "OUCH!  Watch where you're throwing that thing!"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Wow!  For a first attempt, I have pretty good aim."

LT. SVEN:  "Try aiming higher next time...you clod!"

LT. DEEPLY:  "TRANSPORTER ROOM #3 here.  Locked on."

ENSIGN PODAR:  "TRANPORTER CODE #15...NOW!"

LT. SVEN:  "TRANSPORTER CODE #15?  WHAT'S THAT?!  WAIT!  WHAT'S TRANSPORTER
            CODE #15?!"

ENSIGN PODAR:  "You'll find out.  Go in peace!"  8)

LT. DEEPLY:  "Energizing."

                          (LT. SVEN dematerializes.)

ENSIGN PODAR:  "Computer...run program BORG.EXE."

HOLODECK COMPUTER:  "RUNNING PROGRAM BORG.EXE."

    (Suddenly...the bridge of the VAXERPRISE appears around ENSIGN PODAR)

LOCUTUS:  "YOU WILL DISARM YOUR WEAPONS, AND ESCORT US TO SECTOR 001.  IF
           YOU ATTEMPT TO INTERVENE...WE WILL DESTROY YOU."

LT. TREKKER:  "What shall we do, Captain?"

CAPT. PODAR:  "Lock phasers on the BORG vessel and fire!"

LT. TREKKER:  "Aye, sir!"

                     (Meanwhile...in Transporter Room #3)

LT. DEEPLY:  "Oh my god...you're naked!"

LT. SVEN:  "Thank you.  I'm quite aware of that.  Could you just kindly
            transport me to my quarters."

LT. DEEPLY:  "Uh...sure.  Let me get my camera first."  8)

LT. SVEN:  "JUST TRANSPORT ME ALREADY!"

LT. DEEPLY:  "Ten Forward it is.  Energizing."

LT. SVEN:  "WAIT!  NOT TEN FORWARD!  I SAID..."

              (LT. SVEN dematerializes off the transporter pad.)

LT. DEEPLY:  "Uh...whoops."  8)


                        (Meanwhile...in Ten Forward.)


ROMANTIC:  "I think I'll enjoy working here.  I'm supposed to meet the
            Captain shortly."

ENSIGN RASHEED:  "Wow...you're so...MYSTERIOUS."

ROMANTIC:  "Hey...it's my job."

        (Suddenly...LT. SVEN materializes in the center of the room.)

LT. SVEN:  "Oh...my...god."

LT. FABBABE:  "Say!"  8)

LT. SVEN:  "Uh...I gotta go."

       (At that...LT. SVEN grabs a napkin from a nearby table, wraps it
  around his...um, well, you know...and runs zippo quick from Ten Forward.)

ROMANTIC:  "Ooooookay."

     (Meanwhile...in the hallway outside Ten Forward, LT. SVEN runs past
           LT. GHOST, who incidently is on his way TO Ten Forward.)

LT. SVEN:  "Hello.  Can't talk.  Gotta run."   *swish*

LT. GHOST:  "Uh...the pool is...THAT way."

                   (LT. SVEN then dashes into a turbolift.)

LT. GHOST:  "Hmmm...too weird."


                    .   ___                       ___            .
                       |_|_|       __---__       |_|_|
                     ___\_/_____---_______---_____\_/___
                     \_________________________________/
                            \\_   \_______/   _//                       .
          .                   \\_   `---'   _//
                                \\..-|_|-..//
.                .               `/ .---. \'                 .
                                 | |  o  | |
                                  \ `___' /
                                   `-----'


               (Later, on the bridge of the USS VAXERPRISE...)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Captain's log, stardate 48860.6.  The VAXERPRISE is en route
	         to sector 84J for mapping and exploration.   We have
		 identified several systems in the area and are preparing to
		 investigate any class 'M' planets we may discover.  End of
		 log."

SHIP'S COMPUTER:  "LOG ENTRY HAS BEEN RECORDED AND FILED."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Mr. LTCOMDATA, what is our estimated time of arrival at the
		 first system?"

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "At our current speed of warp 5, we will enter the 
		       Gignac system in 36 hours, eighteen minutes."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Very well.  I think it's time I meet our new bartender.
		 Mr. EINSTEIN, you have the bridge."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Alright!"

                           (Capt. TREKKER leaves.)

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Now, *I* am in command!  All of you will follow MY orders!"

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Oh, bite me."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Is Thursday good for you?"

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "It IS Thursday."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Oh.  Then is NOW good for you?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "SILENCE!  Commander PYEWACKET, prepare simulated combat
		  drills against Klingon Battle Cruisers!"

LT. COMM. PYEWACKET:  "I can't now, sir."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Why not?"

LT. COMM. PYEWACKET:  "I'm reading 'Lord of the Rings' on my terminal.  Maybe
		       when I'm done..."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "But you could be doing that for DAYS!"

LT. COMM. PYEWACKET:  "So?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "This is MUTINY!"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "No, this is VAXTREK VIII.  Mutiny on the Bounty was 
 		       showing on Rec Deck Four last week. 
 
COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Don't you REALIZE I could have you all DEMOTED?!"

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Ooo.  You're such the BIG MAN, aren't you?"

LT. COMM. PYEWACKET:  "Him?  A MAN?  Bwa-hahahahaha!"

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "Excuse me, but Starfleet Record JF122772 specifically
		       states the gender of COMMANDER JEFFERY K. EINSTEIN as
		       being male."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "THANK YOU, Mr. LTCOMDATA."

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "You are welcome, sir."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Ooo, leave it to TIN MAN to point out a technicality."

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "I am made of a space age polymer, not unlike kevlar,
		       thank you."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Ooo, the toaster's getting upset!"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "That's a rather burnt remark."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Just shut up...all of you!"

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Yeah.  I can't hear my monitor!  I'm trying to watch the
		   hall of fame balloting - just in case I get in."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "And I'm sure Steve Jeltz will be right behind you."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Well, you never know!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "What is this?  The Lottery?"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I'd say our odds of winning the lottery and this
		       crew taking you seriously are about the same."  8)

COMM. EINSTEIN:  *sigh*


   (Meanwhile in TEN FORWARD, a group of people has gathered at the bar to
     attempt to learn more about the ship's mysterious new bartender...)
                                                                          

ENSIGN RASHEED:  "A lot of people are talking about you."

ROMANTIC:  "And just what are they saying?"

ENSIGN RASHEED:  "That you're some kind of superior being.  And that you
		  knew CAPTAIN TREKKER when he was on the USS NAPLES."

ROMANTIC:  "No, I didn't know the Captain when he was on the NIPPLES."

ENSIGN RASHEED:  "Uh, that's NAPLES."

ROMANTIC:  "Whatever."

ENSIGN RASHEED:  "So why ARE you on this ship?"

ROMANTIC:  "The Captain thought it would be good to have me aboard."

LT. SCRIB:  "But I thought you said you didn't KNOW the Captain."

ROMANTIC:  "I don't.  He apparently read my profile & thought I'd be a 
	    good choice for the job."

LT. SIREN:  "Why?"

ROMANTIC:  "Well, for one, do you know how old I am?"

LT. JORGES:  "Old enough to know the tricks?"

ROMANTIC:  "Exactly.  I'm over 320 years old."

ENSIGN RASHEED:  "Wow!  I'll bet you've seen a lot of movies!"

ROMANTIC:  "Yes, I have."

ENSIGN RASHEED:  "And traveled to MANY places!"

ROMANTIC:  "Yes, I have."

ENSIGN RASHEED:  "And played a lot of DABO!"

ROMANTIC:  "Wh?"

   (Captain TREKKER enters Ten Forward, and walks over to our conversants.)

ENSIGN RASHEED:  "Hello, sir!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Ensign."

ROMANTIC:  "Greetings, Captain."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Welcome to the VAXERPRISE, ROMANTIC."

ROMANTIC:  "Thank you."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I trust you're finding the facility to your liking."

ROMANTIC:  "Yes, except the guy before me left several copies of PLATO'S
	    WORKS lying around."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Yeah.  He was an odd fellow."

LT. SCRIB:  "He made a good Figgy-Fizz, though!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I trust you all are welcoming our new proprietor?"

LT. VENKMAN:  "We're trying to discover what secret powers she posesses."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Why?"

LT. SIREN:  "Well, there had to be SOME reason you wanted her on the ship."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Well, her service profile was more impressive than anyone 
	         else's."

LT. VENKMAN:  "What?!  Tending bar is simple!  Even PODAR could do it!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Ah, that's where you're wrong, VENKMAN.  Remember, ALFALFA?
		 She had a special wisdom that no other had."

LT. VENKMAN:  "All I remember of her 'special wisdom' is that she couldn't
               even tell when CONDOR was about to shoot her with a phaser."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Oh yeah, there was that, wasn't there."

ROMANTIC:  "So what AM I supposed to do on this ship, Captain?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Well, your profile indicates you have a certain something.
                 One that transcends my species."     

ROMANTIC:  "Ah, you mean the part about me being able to control myself
            around a batch of chocolate chip cookies."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Exactly."

LT. VENKMAN:  "That's disgusting!"

ENSIGN RASHEED:  "I'm impressed!"

ROMANTIC:  "Thank you."  8)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Well, if you need anything, don't hesitate to call."

ROMANTIC:  "Well there is one thing, but..."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Name it."

ROMANTIC:  "A decent man."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I beg your pardon?"

ROMANTIC:  "I want a man who will love me for who I am!  Someone to snuggle 
            with me at night without wondering how far I'll let him go.  
            I want a man who is trusting, faithful, handsome, honest, open, 
            poetic, just and honorable!  I want a man to show me some respect!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Um-"

LT. VENKMAN:  "Uh, you've got the wrong ship, babe.  The USS FANTASY was
	       decommissioned YEARS ago."
                                  
ROMANTIC (resting her head on the bar, sobbing):  "Oh the pain!  The pain!"

CAPT. TREKKER (flustered):  "I'll, um, see what I can do..."

ENSIGN RASHEED:  "Say, if *I* need something, can I ask you?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "No."

                         (CAPTAIN TREKKER leaves...)

LT. SCRIB:  "Hey, cheer up!  Would you like to go see a movie with me?"

ROMANTIC (still sobbing):  "Oh, just go away."

ENSIGN RASHEED:  "What a weird lady."

LT. SIREN (rolling her eyes):  "Geez, you MEN!"

       (LT. SIREN proceeds to go around to the other side of the bar.)

LT. SIREN:  "C'mon, dear.  I know a holodeck massage program that'll make
             everything alright."

           (LT. SIREN begins to lead ROMANTIC out of TEN FORWARD.)

LT. SCRIB:  "Hey!  If you want a massage, I'll be happy to give you one!"

LT. VENKMAN:  "Oh, give it up, SCRIB."

ENSIGN RASHEED (yelling after SIREN & ROMANTIC):  "Hey!  Who's gonna tend
	        		                   bar while you're gone?"

LT. SIREN:  "Just fix your drinks yourself!"

                        (LT. SIREN & ROMANTIC leave.)

LT. VENKMAN:  "ALRIGHT!  FREE FIGGY-FIZZ FOR ALL!"

                (VENKMAN assumes the position behind the bar.)

                          (Meanwhile...at a table.)

LT. GHOST:  "Would you like some TOFU chunklets?"

LT. FABBABE:  "Ug.  No thanks."

LT. GHOST:   "You don't KNOW what you're missing."  8)

LT. FABBABE:  "Look, Rob, there's something I've been meaning to tell you."

LT. GHOST:  *munch* *munch*  "What's that?"  *munch* *munch*

LT. FABBABE:  "Well, I don't quite know HOW to say it..."

                   (LT. GHOST stops munching for a second.)

LT. GHOST:  "What?"

LT. FABBABE:  "Well, the last few weeks, I've..."

LT. GHOST:  "WHAT?!"

LT. FABBABE:  "Well...I've been lunching with another guy."

LT. GHOST:  "You...WHAT?!"

LT. FABBABE:  "I wanted to tell you about it earlier, but I didn't want to 
	       hurt your feelings."

LT. GHOST:  "I don't believe this!"

LT. FABBABE:  "There's more."

LT. GHOST:  "MORE?  What?"

LT. FABBABE:  "We've decided to start having breakfasts together as well."

LT. GHOST (stunned):  "Are you saying our meals together are over?"

LT. FABBABE:  "Well, who knows.  Maybe someday we can have dinner together
	       again, but, for now..."

LT. GHOST:  "Who is he?  A LIEUTENANT COMMANDER?  Not that ACKER guy, is it?"

LT. FABBABE:  "No, it's not ACKER."

LT. GHOST:  "Then WHO!?"

                                   *FWOOSH*

Z:  "Salutations, my petite Fandango Muffin!"  8)

LT. FABBABE:  "Hey Brownie-Boy!"

LT. GHOST:  "HIM?!"

LT. FABBABE:  "I'm afraid so."

LT. GHOST:  "I can't believe this!"

Z:  "You CAN if you TRY!"  8)

LT. GHOST:  "Hmmmph."

Z:  "Would you care to partake in some epicurian fare, my little rose blossom?
     Or perhaps some ice cream would be to your liking?"  8)

LT. FABBABE (smiling):  "Oooh, it all sounds so GOOD!"  8)

Z:  "Ah...thou art as radiant as the freshly picked strawberry."  8)

LT. GHOST:  "I'm going back to my quarters.  I think I need to be alone
	     with my bovine companions."

LT. FABBABE (to GHOST):  "I'm so sorry, Rob."  8(

Z:  "Here, allow me to assist you in your expedient departure!"  8)

LT. GHOST:  "WAIT!  I'd rather walk!"

Z:  "Too late."  8)

                                   *FWOOSH*

          (Suddenly, LT. GHOST is transported back to his quarters.)

LT. FABBABE:  "I didn't want to hurt him."  8(

Z:  "Oh PLEASE.  He'll get over it.  You humans are resilient.  Emotionally,
     you bounce back like rubber.  Take Captain TREKKER for example.  I've been
     tormenting him for over 7 years and he still loves it when I visit."  8)

LT. FABBABE:  "Why do I have trouble believing that?"

Z:  "Well...I'm going to go send DEEP ROW I through a temporal distortion.
     See ya!"  8)

LT. FABBABE:  "Bye, my entity!"

                                   *FWOOSH*

  (Meanwhile, down in Engineering, LT. COMM. PALLAS is introducing himself
            to his staph.  Yes, the misspelling was intentional.)

LT. COMM. PALLAS:  "As I'm sure you are all aware, LT. COMM. SIROTTO has been
                    transferred to the Fleet Yards at Utopia Planitia to aid
	 	    in the development the next class starship.  THEREFORE...
                    I have hereby been assigned to the VAXERPRISE as your NEW
                    Chief Engineer.  This engine room will run like a well
                    oiled machine.  Any of the bad engineering practices you
                    may have developed under LT. COMM. SIROTTO will be
                    forgotten!  From this time forward, you will answer to ME!
                    Now...are there any comments?"

LT. ZENMASTER:  "I have a question."

LT. COMM. PALLAS:  "Yes?"

LT. ZENMASTER:  "How come I've been on this ship for 7 years & I'm STILL a
		 Lieutenant, while you waltz right in here and take over
		 as Chief Engineer?  That should be MY job!"

LT. COMM. PALLAS:  "Yes, and?"

LT. FLOUNDER:  "I think LT. ZENMASTER has a point.  How can you just come in
		here and take over like this?"

LT. COMM. PALLAS:  "Because *I* was on this ship way back when everyone was
		    turned into wombats!  I've SEEN the adversity this ship
 		    experiences, AND I know this ship like the back of my
		    hand!"

LT. EGGMAN:  "Actually, sir...that was the ORIGINAL VAXERPRISE.  This is the
              VAXERPRISE-A.  The design is somewhat different."

LT. COMM. PALLAS:  "Yes, and?"

LT. EGGMAN:  "And what?"

LT. COMM. PALLAS:  "Well...it's called A POINT.  GET TO IT!"

LT. ZENMASTER:  "I think I'm going to go have a talk with our Captain about
		 this."

LT. COMM. PALLAS:  "Oh, like that would help!"

LT. FLOUNDER (to ZENMASTER):  "He has a point there."

LT. ZENMASTER:  *Sigh*

                           (Back on the Bridge...)

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "So what are you doing after your shift, Russ?"

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Well, it IS Saturday night, isn't it?"

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Scrabble, then?"

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Of course."  8)

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Can we PLEASE not invite LTCOMDATA this time?"

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Why not?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Because if he uses the word ZINCKING one more time, I'm
		  going to kill him."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "But wait, he's an android."

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "May I remind you, sir, that ZINCKING was a legal word."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Yes, but you scored over 300 points!  Which is more than I got
		  for the entire game!"

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Well, you suck, Jeff."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Watch it!  You are addressing a SUPERIOR officer."

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "Well, a halfway decent one, anyway."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Stop that!"

LT. OVERDOSE:  "I'm still not sure how you managed to get promoted ahead of
		me."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Hey I risked my LIFE for this ship!  Didn't you read VAXTREK
                  IV?  I saved the ship!"

LT. OVERDOSE:  "I think they just hate me because I'm..."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Hush yo mouth!"

                         (Captain TREKKER enters...)

LT. OVERDOSE:  "CAPTAIN ON THE BRIDGE!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "At ease."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Uh...we are."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Oh yeah." 

LT. COMM. PYEWACKET:  "Could you all PLEASE be quiet?!  I'm trying to read
		       here!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Hey!  This is MY ship & I'll be loud when I want to!"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "Obviously that goes for your clothes as well..."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Sh!"

LT. COMM. PYEWACKET:  "Thank you!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I'll be in my Ready Room."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Sir?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Yes, you are in command, Number One."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "But no one listens to me!"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I know."   8)

                    (CAPT. TREKKER enters his ready room.)

LT. OVERDOSE:  "CAPTAIN OFF THE BRIDGE."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Hey ACKER, I think the Simpsons are on."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Already watching, sir."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Excellent!  On screen."


    .-------------------------------------------------------------------.
    |                   (#########)                                     |
    |   __&__          (#########)                                      |
    |  /     \        (#########)   |\/\/\/|    /\ /\  /\              /|
    | |       |      (#########)    |      |    | v  \/  \---.   .----/ |
    | |  (o)(o)       (o)(o)(##)    |      |     \_        /      \     |
    | c   .---_)    ,_c     (##)    | (o)(o)      (o)(o)  <__.  .--\ (o)|
    |  | |.___|    /____,   (##)    c      _)    _c         /    \     (|
    |  |  \__/       \     (#)       | ,___|    /____,   )  \     >   (c|
    |  /_____\        |    |         |   /        \     /----'   /___\__|
    | /_____/ \       oooooo        /____\         ooooo            /|  |
    |/         \     /      \      /      \       /     \          /    |
    `-------------------------------------------------------------------'

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Uh...what happened to Maggie's head?"

LT. OVERDOSE:  "..and Marge's hair?!"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "...and Scarecrow's Brain?!"

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "Wh?"

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Sorry, kids.  The horizontal hold has been on the fritz."

               (Suddenly, a siren is heard over the speakers.)

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "What the?!"

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Commander, we're being hailed."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "By whom?"

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "I'm not sure, sir.  I think they're police officers."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Put them on speakers."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Aye, sir."

OFFICER MINKOWSKI:  "PULL OVER!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Excuse me?!"

OFFICER MINKOWSKI:  "I SAID PULL OVER!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "What for?!"

OFFICER MINKOWSKI:  "YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF INTERGALACTIC TRAFFIC CODE #359."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Which is?"

OFFICER MINKOWSKI:  "SUPERLUMINAL TRAVEL."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "HUH?"

OFFICER MINKOWSKI:  "WE ARE THE PHYSICS POLICE.  YOU ARE VIOLATING INTERGALAC-
                     TIC TRAFFIC CODE #359!  NOW PULL OVER!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Secure from warp speed, Lieutenant."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Aye, sir."

             (At that, OFFICER MINKOWSKI beams onto the bridge.)

OFFICER MINKOWSKI:  "Do you realize how fast you were going, buddy?!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Actually, I'm not sure.  How fast were we going, Commander?"

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "Warp 7, sir."

OFFICER MINKOWSKI:  "Actually, it was Warp 7.00005, which is a flagrant
                     violation of ALL three Lorentz Transformations!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Lorentz what?"

OFFICER MINKOWSKI:  "You're kidding, right?  You DO know about Lorentz 
                     Transformations, don't you?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "ENSIGN PODAR mentioned them to me once, but I forgot.
                  Do they have anything to do with baseball?"

OFFICER MINKOWSKI:  "NO!  They describe the physical manifestation of
                     relativistic velocities as viewed from an inertial
                     frame of reference, and YOU sir, violated all THREE
                     of them!  Length Contraction...Time Dilation...Mass
                     Inflation...the WHOLE thing.  What's your name?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Uh...Commander Jeffery K. EINSTEIN."

OFFICER MINKOWSKI:  "Did you say EINSTEIN?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Yep.  EINSTEIN!  E-I-N..."

OFFICER MINKOWSKI:  "I know how it's spelled.  Hold on.  I have to call my
                     supervisor."

  (OFFICER MINKOSKI pulls out a walkie-talkie and begins mumbling into it.)

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "Well...the waffles have hit the fan now."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Hmmm...waffles."  8)

LT. COMM. PYEWACKET:  "SHHHH!  I'm trying to read!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "I can't believe it.  My first time being given command,
                  and I'm pulled over for speeding."

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I guess the Captain will have to STEER clear of you
                       next time."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "D'oh!"

OFFICER MINKOWSKI:  "Well...I just spoke to my supervisor.  I thought you were
                     somehow related to Albert.  We now know otherwise."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Huh?"

OFFICER MINKOWSKI:  "Here's a citation.  We'll see you in traffic court on the
                     13th of the month."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Uh...thanks."

OFFICER MINKOWSKI:  "Glad to be of service.  And remember...keep it under c!"

                        (OFFICER MINKOWSKI vanishes.)

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "C?"

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "C, which in Latin stands for celeritus, is the variable
                       denoting the speed of light.  Approximately 300 million
                       meters per second."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Oh boy."  8(

LT. OVERDOSE:  "So...what do we do now?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Maintain course...half impulse."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Aye, sir."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "And DON'T tell the Captain about this, okay?"

ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW:  "Aye, sir."

                      (CAPT. TREKKER enters the Bridge.)

LT. OVERDOSE:  "CAPTAIN ON THE BRIDGE."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Hey, Captain!  Guess what just happened to..."

COMM. EINSTEIN (Glaring at ACKER):  "YOU PROMISED!"

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Whoops."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Promised what, Number One?  And why are we only travelling
                 at half impulse?  Why did we change speed?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Uh...we slowed down so we could...uh, check out the scenery?"

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Good answer!"

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "Sounds a bit contrived to me.  You better INTERROGATE
                       him further."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I'll take command now, Number One.  Helm, increase speed
                 to Warp Factor 7."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Aye, sir."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "So, wanna tell me what happened?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Uh...it's a long story."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Well it appears that we have PLENTY of time."

                        ___                       ___
                       |___|       __---__       |___| 
      .              ___\_/_____---.--.--.---_____\_/___                  .
                     \____\\_______\__:__/_______//____/
                            \\_   \__| |__/   _//
                              \\_   `| |'   _//
        .                       \\..=====..//         .          .
                   .             `/|||||||\'
                                 |_-------_|                              .
                                  \       /
                                   `-----'

                     "Will the VAXERPRISE be destroyed?"

                "Will CAPT. TREKKER learn the dark secret that
              may jeopardize COMM. EINSTEIN's Starfleet career?"

         "What sort of revenge will LT. SVEN plan for ENSIGN PODAR?"

_____________________________________________________________________

Tune in some time next month...or perhaps earlier,
for the excruciating continuation of VAXTREK VIII!

Only on BOARD #11:
"Boldly Going Forward, 'Cause We're Wanted By The Cops!"

_____________________________________________________________________

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