Vaxtrek 9 - Part I

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VAX...The Final Frontier.

These are the voyages of the starship Vaxerprise.

Our continuing mission: to seek out that which is silly;

To explore that which is funny;

To boldly go...where no VAX 6320 has gone...before!

_____________________________________________________________________

This semester's episode:

"C'est La Z!"

Written by:
ENTERPRISE

Ephemerally based on the TNG Episode "Deja Q"

Adaptation for MBBS:
Monty's Q-Scan Emporium

Story by:
SYZYGY & ENTERPRISE

Comedic Inspiration provided by:
CONDOR & FIREDRAKE

Musical Score Performed by:
Renal Calculi and His Orchestra

Produced & Directed by:
ENTERPRISE

_____________________________________________________________________

                            PLACE:  STARBASE #455
                             TIME:  Stardate 48900.3

                 (...in the "obscure corner" of the Galaxy.)


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                                     ^ |:
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                                       :


                      (In the Perimeter Control Room...)

LT. MISSY:  "Hmmm...working on a Starbase.  It's the ONLY way to live."  :)

LT. AMH:  "Eh...it's boring."  :(

LT. MISSY:  "Aw...you just have to learn how to occupy your time.  For
	     example, when I'm bored, I..."

LT. AMH:  "Spare me the pep talk.  I just want to go to sleep."

LT. MISSY:  "You CAN'T sleep!  You're on duty."

LT. AMH:   "Big deal.  Like anything ever happens out here.  We haven't had
	    a perimeter alert in well over a month."

LT. MISSY:  "You never know.  We could be attacked by Romulans or something."

LT. AMH:  "I wish.  At least it'll give us something to do."  :(

LT. MISSY:  "You have a point."  *sigh*  "So when does your shift end?"

LT. AMH:  "Not for another 3 hours."

LT. MISSY:  "You poor kid."

LT. AMH:  "Hey!  I live on the edge.  Wake me if anything interesting happens." 

LT. MISSY:  "Will do."  :)

LT. AMH:  "Z-z-z-z..."

                (Suddenly the perimeter alert siren goes off.)

           *Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep*   *Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep*

LT. AMH (Leaping out of his chair):  "AAAAUUUGH!"

LT. MISSY:  "Uh...time to wake up."  :)

LT. AMH:  "What's happening?!"

LT. MISSY:  "Something has crossed the outer station marker."

LT. AMH:  "What's its bearing?"

LT. MISSY:  "273 Mark 15."

LT. AMH:  "On screen."

  .------------------------------------------------------------------------.
  |                                                                        |
  |              ____________.--------.                                    |
  |        .   / _   _       .--------.~~-_           .                    |
  |           / | | |_|      |  ____  |    ~-_                             |
  |          /  |_|  _|      | |    | |       ~-_                   .      |
  |  .      /                | `----' |          ~-_                       |
  |        /==NCC-2061=======|========|======(>)    ~-_                    |
  |        \~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~~~~~~__-'                 . |
  |      .  \   DoRight      |        |       __--~~     .              :  |
  |          \               `--------' __--~~                             |
  |          |~||~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~||~~---__                               |
  |          |_||__________________||__---~~'                 .            |
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  `------------------------------------------------------------------------'

LT. MISSY:  "It appears to be a shuttlecraft."

LT. AMH: "It's the DoRight from NCC-2061.  Hmmm...its mothership may be
	  nearby.  Access the station log for a listing of Starships assigned
	  to this quadrant and display their registry numbers."

LT. MISSY:  "Coming right up."

   (With a few touches of a nearby keypad, the following display appears on
                            LT. MISSY's monitor.)

      .---------------------------------------------------------------.
      |          STARSHIP	REGISTRY NUMBER		STATUS        |
      |		 --------	---------------		------	      |
      |  1. USS BANANA SLUG        NCC-1331           On Assignment   |
      |  2. USS NOSTROMO	   NCC-3301	      On Assignment   |
      |  3. USS ALKA-SELTZER       NCC-1820	      Dry Dock	      |
      |  4. USS NAIVE		   NCC-4117	      DESTROYED	      |
      |  5. USS SCAPEGOAT	   NCC-4224	      On Assignment   |
      |  6. USS PHEROMONE	   NCC-1996	      On Assignment   |
      |  7. USS BULLWINKLE	   NCC-2061	      MISSING	      |
      |  8. USS EX-LAX		   NCC-1822	      Dry Dock	      |
      |   							      |
      |  End of File						      |
      `---------------------------------------------------------------'

LT. AMH:  "It's from the USS BULLWINKLE?!  Then what's it doing way out HERE?"

LT. MISSY:  "I'm not sure.  I'll have it brought into the docking bay."

LT. AMH:  "Ok.  While you do that, I'll bring up a display of the BULLWINKLE's
	   service record."

LT. MISSY:  "Will do.  COMMODORE ZAPHOD, please report to Docking Bay #3."

   (At that, MISSY heads to docking bay #3, as AMH brings up the following
                           display on his monitor)

      .---------------------------------------------------------------.
      |  STARSHIP:  USS BULLWINKLE  NCC-2061                          |
      |	 COMMANDED BY:  Rear Admiral Michael J. SYZYGY        	      |
      |  COMMISSIONING DATE:  Stardate 46099.8			      |
      |								      |
      |  STATUS:  Missing as of Stardate 46162.6		      |
      |		  Encountered BORK scout vessel on 46145.9            |
      |		  Loss of Stardrive Section on 46146.1		      |
      |   	  En route to Starbase #455 for repairs.              |
      |   	  Never arrived.  Last communique on 46149.3	      |
      |   	  Declared missing by COMMODORE ZAPHOD on 46162.6     |
      |   							      |
      |  End of File						      |
      `---------------------------------------------------------------'

LT. AMH:  "Hmmm...it's been missing for 2.7 years?  This should be quite
	   interesting."

                     (Later...down in Docking Bay #3)

COMMODORE ZAPHOD (Entering):  "Good morning, Lieutenant.  You sent for me?"

LT. MISSY:  "Yes, sir.  And Good morning to you too.  We discovered this
	     shuttlecraft when it drifted past our outer detection marker."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Hmmm...it looks undamaged.  Have you tried opening it?"

LT. MISSY:  "No.  I decided to wait for you to arrive.  The shuttle was covered
	     with ice when we found it.  Most of it has melted."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Ice?"

LT. MISSY:  "LT. AMH and I did some research and found that it's been adrift
	     for almost 3 years.  Its mothership is...or WAS the BULLWINKLE."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "The BULLWINKLE eh?  Well, the registry numbers DO match."
		    Have you detected any life signs from within?"

LT. MISSY:  "I've examined the shuttle with my tricorder, and I'm getting faint
	     readings.  Who ever it is, they're alive."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Well, I say we should open her up and see who's inside.
		    Maybe we can get some answers as to the BULLWINKLE's where-
		    abouts."

LT. MISSY:  "Aye, sir."

    (At that, MISSY walks over to the side of the DoRight and presses the
       button which opens the emergency hatch.  Upon opening the hatch,
 a cloud of very cold mist emerges from the shuttle, and within the darkened
               shuttle lies a young man in his early twenties.)

LT. MISSY:  "He appears to be in a hibernetic state.  Body temperature...
	     5 degrees Celsius.  Heartbeat...3 beats per minute."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "ZAPHOD to MEDICAL TEAM.  Please report to Docking Bay #3."

LT. MISSY:  "He seems quite healthy.  I'm sure we'll be able to bring him
	     around."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Good.  Keep me informed of his progress.  I'll be in my
		    office."

LT. MISSY:  "Aye, sir."

               (2 hours later...in COMMODORE ZAPHOD's office.)

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                                       :

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "I know it seems outrageous, but it's true.  We have one
		    of its shuttles sitting in Docking Bay #3."

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "Well, I must say, this is quite a find.  Has the crew member
		 awakened yet?"

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Not yet.  They expect he should be awake within the hour."

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "Do we know his identity?"

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "His personnel file says he's LT. LARS."

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "LARS?  Hmmm...never heard of him."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:   "He's listed as one of the engineers on the USS BULLWINKLE.
		     We're presuming he must have left just before the ship
		     disappeared.  We'll have to talk to him."

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "Very well then.  Keep me posted.  Oh...by the way.  Are you
		 going to be attending CAPT. TREKKER's promotion ceremony next
		 week?"

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Nah...I think I'll pass on that.  TREKKER and I never
		    really hit it off too well."

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "Oh well.  Just thought I'd ask.  SMILIE out."  :)

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Hmmph.  ADMIRAL TREKKER.  Who'd have thought...?"

DR. MURDER:  "MEDICAL BAY to COMMODORE ZAPHOD.  Our guest is awake."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "On my way."

                 (Shifting our viewpoint to the MEDICAL BAY)

LT. LARS:  "Where am I?"

DR. MURDER:  "You're on Starbase #455.  You're quite safe."

LT. LARS:  "Starbase #455?!   That's wonderful!  You know...I didn't think I 
	    would make it.  The food replicator went out after a couple of
            weeks and Life Support shortly thereafter."

DR. MURDER:  "Well, that would explain why you were frozen.  We found you
	      adrift near our station's perimeter."

LT. LARS:  "How long was I drifting?"

DR. MURDER:  "We estimate about 3 years."

LT. LARS (Looking into a mirror):  "Three years?  And I haven't aged a day!"  8)

DR. MURDER:  "Hahaha..."

                          (COMMODORE ZAPHOD enters)

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "How's our patient, doctor?"  :)

DR. MURDER:  "He's getting much better.  I'm giving him injections every 15
	      minutes to help balance his electrolytes."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Wonderful.  So, Lieutenant...would you mind if I asked you
		    a few questions?"

LT. LARS:  "Sure, go ahead.  Care to ask me about Stromgren Radii or HII
	    Regions?  I'm very good at Interstellar Matter.  It's kind of
	    a hobby of mine."  8)

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Oh.  Well, I was hoping you could tell us more about the
		    disappearance of the BULLWINKLE."

LT. LARS:  "Oh yes, of course.  Well, it all started 45 years ago at a small
	    14 Kilowatt radio station in Stockholm.  It was just after the war
	    and we..."  8)

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Doctor, I think you've given him one too many injections."

LT. LARS:  "I'm sorry.  Admiral SYZYGY was pursuing a BORK scout vessel which
	    was orbiting a planet in sector 272, and in his zeal, decided to
	    follow the BORK into the planet's atmosphere.  Of course, he didn't
	    account for friction with the planet's atmosphere, and the Star-
	    drive Section was irreparably damaged, and had to be discarded."
	    
COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Ah...so why were YOU in a shuttle?"

LT. LARS:  "Well, after the starboard warp nacelle fell off, the bridge
	    gave the order to evacuate.  So I ran to the shuttlecraft bay
	    and took a shuttle."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Hmmm...I was always under the impression that during an
		    evac of the secondary hull, all personnel were supposed
		    to go to the primary hull."

LT. LARS:  "Really?  Hmmm...no one told me."  8(
	
COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Don't worry about it.  In dire emergencies, evac in a 
		    shuttle is permitted.  So you say the saucer section may
		    still be in sector 272?"

LT. LARS:  "Uh...no.  They left the planet on their way here.  Since I was in
	    a shuttle, I couldn't keep up with them and I got left behind."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Hmmm...on full impulse, it would have taken them about...
		    a year and a half to get here.  As of yet, we haven't seen
		    or heard from them."

LT. LARS:  "Well, I lost visual contact after 2 days and shortly thereafter I
	    lost their distress beacon as well.  It's as if they just vanished."

DR. MURDER:  "Maybe it was a black hole?"

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "No, that's unlikely."

DR. MURDER:  "Perhaps they had a core breach and exploded."

LT. LARS:  "The core was in the Stardrive Section."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Well, I will contact the USS NOSTROMO and have them 
                    examine sector 272 for any signs of the BULLWINKLE's
		    saucer.  I'll also have the yard crew drag out the
		    loaner stardrive.  You never know...we MIGHT find the
		    saucer; and we could always use another ship."

LT. LARS:  "If we DO find them, you think the crew will be alive, after 3
	    years?"

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Well...YOU'RE alive, and YOU didn't have any food."  :)

LT. LARS:  "Good point, Commodore."  8)

          (Later that same day, on the bridge of the USS NOSTROMO.)

                ________.			________.
       ______________________________              _______
      |____NCC_3301____USS_NOSTROMO_/    ##============================
                     ________|__|________/________/`-----'
                     \=_____________  _____--==> /
  ________.                         \_|   /_____/            ________.
       ________.     _________________|__/__
                    |______________________/        ________.

                         ________.

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Status, Mr. WANKER?"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Course has been plotted for Earth, sir.  We're traveling
		    at warp 9.3.  We should be there in about 2 days."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Cool!  I'll be able to get my toaster attachment shined
		   up before the ceremony!"

COMM. CAJUN:  "You're going to wear it to the ceremony?"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Well, it's not like I can take it OFF you know."

LT. COWJUICE:  "We all had our BORK attachments removed when the VAXERPRISE
		rescued us.  It shouldn't be hard to do."

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "I'm sure our Chief Medical Officer can remove it for you."

LT. ACE:  "I think he should keep it.  It's kinda cool.  You know, like an
	   earring, or a tattoo.  It's something to remember things by."  :)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "And it's a great conversation piece at parties!  Hey,
		   WANKER!  HEADS UP!"  8)

    (Suddenly FIREDRAKE fires a piece of toast across the bridge at WANKER
       who in turn leaps over his console and catches it in his teeth.)

COMM. CAJUN:  "Good shot, Sir!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE (nods):  "Thank you."  8)

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Hey!  *crunch-crunch*  I'M the one who CAUGHT it!"

COMM. CAJUN:  "Yeah...but HE's the Captain."  :)

LT. COWJUICE:  "Sir, we're receiving a message from Starbase #455."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Yay!  On screen!"

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Hey kids.  It's your boss.  I have an assignment for you."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "But sir, we're on assignment."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Well, your orders have changed.  We need someone to scan
		    sector 272 for any debris from the USS BULLWINKLE, or
		    with luck, its saucer section."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "The BULLWINKLE?  Wasn't it destroyed by the BORK?"

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "No, that was the NAIVE.  The BULLWINKLE is just missing."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Oh.  Well, we WERE en route to Earth to attend CAPTAIN
		   TREKKER's promotion ceremony."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Well, unfortunately you'll have to miss it.  You're the
		    closest ship to that sector, and we really would appreciate
		    your assistance in this matter."

COMM. CAJUN:  "Well, if we don't change course soon, we won't be the closest
	       for long."  :)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Change course to sector 272, Lieutenant."

LT. COWJUICE:  "Aye, sir."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "I'm sorry about this kids, but we might be onto something
		    big here.  We found a shuttlecraft from the BULLWINKLE
		    this morning, containing a living crew member."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Really?  It wasn't Rear ADMIRAL SYZYGY was it?  He owes me
		   50 bucks."  :)

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Nope.  No luck.  SYZYGY is probably with the saucer, where-
		    ever IT is."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Well, we'll check it out, Commodore."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Thank you, Captain.  Sorry about all this.  I know how
		    much you were looking forward to attending Capt TREKKER's
		    ceremony."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Well, actually, TREKKER and I don't get along very well,
		   I was just going for the free cookies."  :)

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Really?  You too?!"  :)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Hahahahaha..."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "ZAPHOD out."  :)

COMM. CAJUN:  "Why do I sense a running gag here?"  8)

                           _                     _                         .
               .          /_\       _____       /_\ 
    .                 ====\_/=====---------=====\_/====         .
                           ||_____|__|_|__|_____||
                                ,|_________|,
                         .     // \ [|||] / \\                     .
          .                  _//   `-----'   \\_   .
                            /_\               /_\
                            \_/               \_/
                                                                 .

(5 days later, on the other side of the Galaxy, the VAXERPRISE is approaching
 Earth for a special occasion.  The promotion of CAPTAIN TREKKER to ADMIRAL.
    We shift our attention to the bridge of the VAXERPRISE where the crew
                         is knee deep in nostalgia.)

                        ___                       ___
                       |___|       __---__       |___| 
      .              ___\_/_____---.--.--.---_____\_/___                  .
                     \____\\_______\__:__/_______//____/
                            \\_   \__| |__/   _//
                              \\_   `| |'   _//
        .                       \\..=====..//         .          .
                   .             `/|||||||\'
                                 |_-------_|                              .
                               OOO\       /OOOOOO
     .                    OOOOO  |_`-----' ---- OOOOO
           .           OOO\            / --------- _/OOO
                     OOO _/           / --------- /   / OO
       ...         OOO  /            / ---------- `--' _/ OOO
                 OO -- /            / -------------- _/     OO
                OO --- \_    .---.  \  ------------ /         OO
     .     .  OO ------- \_  | -- `__'  ---------- |           OO
             OO ---------  \ `-\ ------------------ \

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "So...Admiral, are you excited?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Of COURSE I'm excited!  I've been waiting all my life for
		 this!  I remember when I entered Starfleet Academy back in
		 35073...a raw cadet, ugly as sin, acne up to HERE!  Pizza
		 face TREKKER they use to call me, but did that faze me?
		 HECK NO!  I had a goal!  I had a mission!  One...to become
		 ADMIRAL before I lost ALL my hair...and Two..."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "But sir, you HAVE lost all your..."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "SHUT UP, boy.  And Two...to spread love and chocolate chip
		 cookies throughout the universe!"

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "That's a lot of cookie dough."

LT. COMM. PYEWACKET:  "Shhh!  I'm trying to READ!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "You're STILL reading that book?"

LT. COMM. PYEWACKET:  "Heck nah...I finished 'Lord of the Rings' last month!
       		       In celebration of CAPT. TREKKER's promotion, I'm now
		       reading 'Lord Of The Flies.'"  8)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "How touching."  :(

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "So...who wants to ferry the Captain down to the ceremony
		  tomorrow?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "I'M NOT A FAIRY!"

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "Sir, he is referring to the Captain's Yacht."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Alright, but I want it entered in the log that I'm NOT
		 a fairy."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Uh...oooookay."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Maybe we could draw straws?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "That's a good idea!  We'll do it tonight, in the arboretum!"

LT. OVERDOSE:  "But...what about our SHORELEAVE?!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Well, we'll just have to meet somewhere at 19:00 hours."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Hmmm...a group of us from Ops were planning on having
		   dinner in Paris this evening."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Gee...thanks for inviting me."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "But Russ, you don't speak FRENCH, and you hate FRENCH FOOD."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Hey!  I picked up a few things when I took that leisure course
		a couple years ago.  I know my way around a bison."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Uh...that's Bistro."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Whatever."

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "Sir, I was planning on visiting the Daystrom Institute
		       this afternoon.  I heard they're developing a humor
		       chip for me."

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "Yeah, and what if I want to cruise the Serengeti on my
		       bike?  I don't want to have to meet you guys in Los
		       Angeles and worry about where I'm going to park it."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Let's just all agree to meet on the ship at 19:00 hours,
		  okay?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Why are you all going to so much trouble to decide who will
		 pilot me to headquarters?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "It's who's NOT piloting you that we're concerned about, Sir.
		  PODAR told us about the trip you took with him to the
		  Managerial Conference on Yakcam 2."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Is it MY fault that the emergency hatch opened and he was
		 ejected into space?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Yes."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Hmmmph...I'll be in my Ready Room if I'm needed.  Standard
		 orbit, Lieutenant."  :(

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Aye sir."
                              (TREKKER leaves.)

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Ah...well, now that all THAT is over with, anybody
		  want me to pick up anything from Japan while I'm there?
		  I'm visiting my family in a few hours."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Since I have to stay here while THEY go galavanting around
		FRANCE, bring me back some Sushi.  It almost tastes GOOD if
		you cook it properly."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Remind me never to invite you to Mom's for dinner."

              (Meanwhile...in sector 272, the NOSTROMO completes
            its scanning mission after having arrived 2 days ago.)

                           _                     _                         .
               .          /_\       _____       /_\ 
    .                 ====\_/=====---------=====\_/====         .
                           ||_____|__|_|__|_____||
                                ,|_________|,
                         .     // \ [|||] / \\                     .
          .                  _//   `-----'   \\_   .
                            /_\ OOOOOOOOOOOOO /_\
                         OO \_/   |          /\_/ OOO
                       OOO- \|/ -- \        / ------ OOO
                     OOO -- -O- --  \       `--. ------ OO
                   OOO ---- /|\ --  /           \ ------ OOO 
                 OO\ ------------- /     _______/-- ______/ OO
                OO  \_____________/    / ---------- \         OO
              OO\                    / ------------- \         OO


CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Well that was...exciting."  8(

COMM. CAJUN:  "Should I contact Starbase #455?"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Sure, why not."  8(

LT. COWJUICE:  "Sir, we're receiving a transmission from Starbase #455!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Really?!  What propitious timing!"  8)

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Hey kids!  I have good news for you."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Oooo!  What is it?"

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Recent events or happenings that are of a pleasant nature,
		    but that's not important right now.  We found the saucer
		    section from the BULLWINKLE!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE (Jumping up and down with joy):  "Really?!  WHERE?!"

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Calm yourself, Captain.  It was detected in the Ceti Alpha
		    system by the USS SPEED RACER during a cartography
		    mission.  The saucer is orbiting Ceti Alpha V."  :)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Hmmm...have they tried to hail them?"

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Yes, but no one responded.  The saucer appeared to be
		    deserted."

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Mmmmm...dessert...Ted."  :)

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "So, now that we've found it, I'd like for you to come to
		    the Starbase, and escort the loaner Stardrive to Ceti
		    Alpha V."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Will do, Commodore.  We'll be there before you can say
		   Walla Walla Wisconsin."

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Hmmm...Walla Walla Wis..."

                                    *FOOM*
                           _                     _                         .
               .          /_\       _____       /_\ 
    .                 ====\_/=====---------=====\_/====         .
                           ||_____|__|_|__|_____||
                                ,|_________|,
                         .     // \ [|||] / \\                     .
          .                  _//   `-----'   \\_   .
                            /_\       __      /_\
                            \_/.------||------\_/
                    .-------------------------------------.      
                 __/   ..  ..      ___..___      ..  ..    \__     
              __/                 /   ||   \                  \__   .
           __/ ... ..: ... .:.   |    ||    |   . . : .  :. .  . \__   
        __/                      |    ||    |                       \__  
     __/   ... ..  ..:  ... ..    \___||___/    ...  :..  . .  ...     \__ 
  __/                                 ::                                  \__
 /____________________________________'`_____________________________________\ 
 `---------------------------------------------------------------------------'
                           |  [1]  [2]  [3]  [4]  |
  .                        |______________________|
                         _/                        \_
                       _/   ...   ...   ...   ...    \_
             .        /                                \
                     |.. ..  ..  ..  ..  ..  ..  ..  .. |        .
                     |                                  |
           .          `--------------------------------'
                               |              |
                               | .. .. .. ..  |      .                 .
                               |              |
                               | .. .. .. ..  |            .
                               |              |
            .                  | .. .. .. ..  |
                               |______________|                   .
                             _/                \_
       .                    /    ..   ..   ..    \
      :                    |  ...  ...  ...  ...  |
                            \_                  _/
                              \________________/
                                   |      |
                     .             |..  ..|              .
                                   |..  ..|
                                   |______|
                                    \____/ 
          .                          | ||                          .
                                     | ||
                                     ^ |:
                                       |
                                       :

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "...consin."  :(

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Good work, Mr. WANKER."  8)

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "That's why I pull down the big bucks."  ;)

COMMODORE ZAPHOD:  "Well...now that you're here, come on inside, and we'll
		    prepare the loaner drive for you."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "We're on our way, Commodore.  NOSTROMO out.  Lieutenant
		   COWJUICE, take us inside.  COMM. CAJUN, you and LT. ACE
		   will pilot the loaner drive from their battle bridge."

COMM. CAJUN:  "Aye, sir."

LT. ACE:  "Cool!  A field trip!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Since it will be a FATHEAD class stardrive, its max
		   cruising speed should be Warp 7."

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "But remember, sir.  It doesn't have its Primary Hull.
		    That changes the warp dynamics a bit."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Hmmm...I guess we'll have to take it slow.  At warp 5 it
		   should be a 1 day trip.  We MIGHT make it back to Earth in
		   time for TREKKER's cookie fest!"

LT. COWJUICE:  "YAY!"  8)
                                                      .
     .                            .


                   .           OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO                       .
     .                    OOOOO  |_/   \ ------ OOOOO       .
           .           OOO\            / --------- _/OOO
                     OOO _/           / --------- /   / OO
       ...         OOO  /            / ---------- `--' _/ OOO
                 OO -- /            / -------------- _/     OO    .
                OO --- \_    .---.  \  ------------ /         OO
     .     .  OO ------- \_  | -- `__'  ---------- |           OO
             OO ---------  \ `-\ ------------------ \


   (The next day...back on Earth, many Starfleet dignitaries have gathered
at the Headquarters in Apple Valley, California...Home of Roy Rogers' stuffed
     horse Trigger...for the induction of TREKKER into the hallowed rank
            of ADMIRAL.  Mankind's greatest hero...is not present.
       But TREKKER is there, with his retinue!  Let's watch...shall we?
                                                                    
               It is roughly 7:00 in the evening local time and
  TREKKER & Company are standing in the cavernous Conference Hall...which is
       surprisingly similar in design to the one used in Star Trek IV.
           All the Admirals, Commodores, Captains, and the like are
                        mingling before the ceremony.)


LT. SIREN:  "I must say...you really look snappy in your dress uniform, sir."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Why thank you, Lieutenant."  :)

LT. OVERDOSE:  "I think we ALL look snappy, except, I don't think you're
		supposed to be wearing a dress, sir."  :)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "This is NOT a dress!  It is the Official Induction Uniform, 
		 Mister MAN!  REAR ADMIRAL VISION told me so!  Nyah!"  :P
                                              
                   (C-IN-C SMILIE walks over to the group)

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "So, Captain.  Oh...by the way, nice sequins.  They compliment
		 your figure and they glimmer, much like your eyes."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Thanks.  It's a bit showy, but I like it.  Especially with
		 this big bow in the back.  I don't know what it's for..."

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "It's...um...SYMBOLIC...of...uh...how you've...um...TIED your
		 whole...uh...career together...to...uh...get to this...point!
		 Yeah, that's the ticket.  So, are you...uh...excited?"

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Of COURSE I'm excited!  I've been waiting all my life for
		 this!  I remember when I entered Starfleet Academy back in..."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "You told this story already, sir."

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Oh yeah.  Nevermind."  :)

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "Well, nevertheless, we at Starfleet are very proud of your
		 performance..."

ADMIRAL ZEPPELIN (walking by):  "*snicker*  That'll be the day."  :)

(Suddenly FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH approaches the podium and begins to speak to the
               throngs of people gathered for tonight's event.)

FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH: "May I have your attention please?  Will the participants
		     in tonight's game...oops, so sorry.  This is usually my
		     Parcheesies Squares night.  Will the participants in
		     tonight's ceremony, please report to the gathering area
		     in the East Wing.  Thank you."

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "Well, that's us...ADMIRAL.  Shall we go?"  :)

CAPT. TREKKER:  "Certainly.  Bye all."  :)

LT. SIREN:  "Bye...ADMIRAL!"  :)

                          (TREKKER and SMILIE leave)

LT. SIREN:  "He's SO cute."  :)

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Whatever."  :(

LT. SIREN:  "So, you never told me why you decided to come down for the
	     ceremony."

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Well, a group of us drew straws last night to see who would
		pilot the Captain's Yacht.  I lost."  :(

LT. SIREN:  "Oh."

                        (Meanwhile...20 feet away)

ADMIRAL TBLAZER:  "There he goes...soon to be Admiral TREKKER."  :(

CAPTAIN RAISTLIN:  "Yeah.  I wonder who's butt HE had to kiss."  :(

FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH (Walking by):  "Mine."


                 (Meanwhile...with another group of invitees)


CAPTAIN RED:  "Captain BLUE!  You made it!"

CAPTAIN BLUE:  "Yep!  I came to pick up my new ship, and heard they had free
		cookies, so I stopped by."  8)

COMMANDER JUANA:  "Really?!  So did we!"  8)

CAPT. RED:  "Well you know TREKKER's being crowned Queen of The Winter Carnival
	     today."

CAPT. BLUE:  "Really?  WHY?"  :)

CAPT. RED:  "I don't know.  It was on the flyer."

CAPT. BLUE:  "So THAT's why he's wearing the dress.  Queen of the Winter
	      Carnival...eh?  Somebody said he was being made Admiral."  :)

REAR ADMIRAL VISION (Walking by):  "Yeah...that's what WE told him."  :)

CAPT. BLUE:  "Hmmm...Queen of the Winter Carnival.  That explains all the 
	      Starships parked outside.  And the SNOW!"  :)

CAPT. RED:  "Oh...allow me to introduce my first officer.  Number Two...this
	     is Captain BLUE.  Commander JUANA, this is Captain Ira S. BLUE."

CAPT. BLUE:  "Pleased to meet you."  :)

COMM. JUANA:  "Likewise."  8)

CAPT. RED:  "So Ira...what's the name of your new ship?"

CAPT. BLUE:  "Uh...well, it's kind of embarassing.  We're trying to get it
	       changed.

COMM. JUANA:  "Well, it can't be worse than that Carnival dress TREKKER's
	       wearing.   Come on and tell us.  We won't laugh."

CAPT. BLUE:  "Ok.  It's the USS...INCONTINENT."

CAPT. RED:  "Hahahahahaha...er uh...*ahem*...what a shame.  That's worse
	     than FATHEAD."

CAPT. BLUE:  Thank you, you don't have to remind me."

COMM. JUANA:  "Who names these Starships, anyway?"

CAPT. RED:  "Some wag at the Utopia Planitia Fleet Yards."

CAPT. BLUE:  "That would explain it."

       (Meanwhile...in the top row of seats on the western side of the
                             Conference Hall...)

COMMANDER FORD:  "I want my cookies, NOW!"

CAPT. CONDOR:  "Wait for it.  They'll be giving them out after the ceremony."

LT. COMM. ARES:  "And you believe them?"

CAPT. CONDOR:  "They've been trustworthy before."

        (LT. COMM. ARIES arrives and takes a seat next to COMM. FORD)

CAPT. CONDOR:  "LT. COMM. ARIES, glad you could join us."  :)

LT. COMM. ARES:  "But I've been here for HOURS!"

COMM. FORD: "Not YOU, lunkhead!  ARIES!"

LT. COMM. ARES:  "But I AM ARES!"

COMM. FORD (To CONDOR):  "I'm going to have to kill him.  There's nothing
			  else to it."

CAPT. CONDOR:  "Calm down, Number One.  It's nothing that a good pummeling
		about the head and neck with a lukewarm banana can't cure."

LT. COMM. ARIES:  "Hey, Captain!  I saw the Captain's Yacht from the VAXERPRISE
		   parked outside!  Did you see the ENGINES on that thing?
		   It's INCREDIBLE!"

CAPT. CONDOR:  "The Captain's Yacht?  You mean...the CONNIPTION*ghlk*?!  Wow!
		When *I* was First Officer, we only used it once!  But that
		was for a late night doughnut run, so that probably doesn't
		count."

LT. COMM. ARIES:  "Well, it's out there.  You should go take a look at it.
		   It's quite impressive."

CAPT. CONDOR:  "I'll do that.  Uh...Commander, if you don't mind me asking.
		Are those COOKIES in your pocket?"

LT. COMM. ARIES:  "Yeah...I swiped 'em off the buffet table in the East Wing.
		   Clever...huh?"  ;)

COMM. FORD:  "THE EAST WING!  I'm THERE!  Anybody with me?!"

LT. COMM. ARES:  "I'm right behind you, sir."  :)

              (FORD and ARES get up and shuffle down the aisle)

CAPT. CONDOR:  "But wait!  Aren't you guys going to stay for the ceremony?"

COMM. FORD:  "What for?!  TREKKER never gave ME the time of day.  I just
	      came for the free cookies."

LT. COMM. ARES (Looking at FORD):  "Wow!  So did I!"  :)

COMM. FORD:  "Come on, let's go."

                 (FORD and ARES begin to run down the aisle)

CAPT. CONDOR:  "Those goofy kids."  :)

LT. COMM. ARIES:  "Oh!  I saw Captain TREKKER in the East Wing while I was
		   getting the cookies."

CAPT. CONDOR:  "Really?  Did he look excited?"

LT. COMM. ARIES:  "Well, for wearing a dress, he looked as excited as he could
		   possibly be."

CAPT. CONDOR:  "A dress?  Why is he wearing a dress?"

LT. COMM. ARES:  "Don't ask me.  I'm only here for..."

CAPT. CONDOR:  "I know...I know...the cookies."  :)

  (Meanwhile on the VAXERPRISE, several crew members are running zippo-quick
          down the hallway on their way to Transporter Room Latoya!)

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "HURRY UP...we're gonna be late!"

LT. SCRIB:  "Uh...why are we bringing weapons?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "The flyer said we were to bring Party Phasers."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "No, sir.  That's Party FAVORS!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Are you sure?"

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "I think so."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Oh fibbledee-jibbit.  Let's bring 'em anyway!"

LT. COMM. PALLAS:  "Dang this dress uniform is tight!"

LT. SCRIB:  "It MUST be.  I can see your heart beating!"

LT. COMM. MIBSTER:  "Shut up and run, monkey boy!"

               (At that...everyone enters the Transporter Room)

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Beam us DIRECTLY to that Conference Hall...thingy!"

LT. DEEPLY:  "Coordinates already set, sir!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Good!  Everyone, phasers on stun.  Assume defensive posture."

                 (Everyone puts their hands over their eyes.)

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "No...the OTHER defensive posture."

LT. DEEPLY:  "Sir, why are you taking phasers?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Don't have time to explain, Lieutenant!  ENERGIZE!"

LT. DEEPLY:  "Energizing."

 (Suddenly our gang vanishes from the transporter room and rematerializes in
    the Center of the Conference Hall.  We now shift our viewpoint there.)

COMM. EINSTEIN (Waving his phaser):  "EVERYBODY FREEZE!"

MINDLESS DRINK SERVER:  "Hi...would you care for a frosty beverage?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "I SAID *FREEZE*!"  *FFFFSSSHHHHHZZZZZZOOOOOOoooo*

LT. COMM. PALLAS:  "Good shot, sir!"

LT. COMM. MIBSTER (Pointing to FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH):  "THERE HE IS!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "MR. PRESIDENT!!!"

LT. SCRIB:  "OUTTA THE WAY!  OUTTA THE WAY!!!"

    (Our merry band of thugs violently pushes their way through the crowd
                  as EINSTEIN makes his way to the podium.)

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "MR. PRESIDENT!  MR. PRESIDENT!!!  NO!!!!"

   (EINSTEIN leaps into the air, diving toward ARCH, missing him completely
        and lands flat on the Buffet Table.  No one seems to notice.)

COMM. EINSTEIN (Looking at a pile of tuna fish sandwiches): "Jeff...VAXERPRISE."

                     (Meanwhile...orbiting Ceti Alpha V)
.
                              .                  .

                 _______              ______________________________
     ============================##   \_USS NOSTROMO____NCC_3301____|
                 `-----'\________\________|__|__________
       .                 \ <==--_____  _______________=/                  .
                          \_____\   |_/                   .
                               __\__|__________________  
                               \_______________________|
                  .                   ______________________________
                        _________     \___LOANER__STARDRIVE_________|
                        \________\________|__|________ 
       .                 | PROPERTY OF UFP _________=/                  .
                          \<=---    _.----'             .
                           \_____.-'                _____   
    .                 		       =================================      .
                                                   `_____'        
              .                                                             .
             :                 OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
                          OOOOO    |          / OOOOO
                       OOO\        |         /       OOO
       .             OOO   \       |        /           OO
                   OOO      \      `-------'    __________OOO
                 OO         /                  /            OO
                OO_________/      .-----------'               OO
              OO                 /                             OO



CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "So...what do your scans show, Lieutenant?"

LT. COWJUICE:  "Well...the saucer appears to be deserted.  All the power is
		off, and life support is not functioning.  I'm getting an
		ambient temperature reading of...YIPE!  -100 degrees Celsius!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Hmmmm...NOSTROMO to LOANER DRIVE."

COMM. CAJUN:  "LOANER DRIVE, CAJUN here."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Number One, I want you and LT. ACE to connect the Stardrive
		   to the Primary Hull.  Reconnecting the two should bring the
		   power back on line."

COMM. CAJUN:  "Will do, sir.  LOANER DRIVE, out."

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Sir, I'm detecting minimal power readings on the surface!
		    It could be a shuttlecraft!"

LT. COWJUICE:  "Actually, I've already identified it.  It's a Jogabout."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "A Jogabout?  Not a Runabout?"

LT. COWJUICE:  "The fleet could only afford the economy version."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Excellent!  With any luck, we'll find the crew safe and
		   sound!  WANKER, you and I will beam down to the surface
		   and check it out."

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "But, sir.  You can't leave the ship.  It might be too 
		    dangerous."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Well, my First Officer is gone, and you're going with me, 
		   so who's gonna command the ship?"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Good point, sir."  :)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Oh...just in case we run into some 'undesirables' down
		   there, let's have a Transporter code phrase."

LT. COWJUICE:  "You mean like in the TOS Episode 'Whom Gods Destroy'?"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Well, I was thinking more of the Phrase That Pays on KTK,
		   but that'll do.  Here's the code.  You say 'Red hand green',
		   and I'll say, 'Left hand blue.'  Got that?"

LT. COWJUICE:  "Red hand green...Left hand blue.  Got it."  8)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Excellent.  LT. COWJUICE, you have the conn."

         (FIREDRAKE and WANKER get up and head toward the Turbolift.)

LT. COWJUICE:  "Seeing as I'm the only person left on the bridge, who am I going
		to boss around?"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "I'm sure you'll think of someone."  8)

      (Meanwhile...back on Earth, TREKKER's promotion ceremony is about
  to begin.  All the visiting dignitaries have taken their seats and as the
 presiding officials approach the stage, everyone present rises to attention
            as the Starfleet Anthem is played over the PA System.)
                                                      .
     .                            .


                   .           OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO                       .
     .                    OOOOO  |_/   \ ------ OOOOO       .
           .           OOO\            / --------- _/OOO
                     OOO _/           / --------- /   / OO
       ...         OOO  /            / ---------- `--' _/ OOO
                 OO -- /            / -------------- _/     OO    .
                OO --- \_    .---.  \  ------------ /         OO
     .     .  OO ------- \_  | -- `__'  ---------- |           OO
             OO ---------  \ `-\ ------------------ \


LT. SIREN:  "Wow!  Will you LOOK at all the people!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Yeah.  I've never seen anything quite like it."

LT. SCRIB:  "More Admirals than you can shake a STICK at!"

LT. COMM. PALLAS:  "You know...if a bomb went off in this place..."

LT. COMM. MIBSTER:  "Shut up, hosehead."  :(

 (Suddenly, CAPT. TREKKER appears, escorted by ADMIRALS FRAENHAWK and SUSHI.
           All 3 officers take their seats behind the podium as the
    Starfleet Honor Guard positions itself on the far ends of the stage.)

LT. SIREN:  "Look!  There he IS!  Isn't he adorable?"  :)

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Uh...why is he wearing a dress?"

LT. SIREN:  "It's not a dress!  Geeze!  You men!  You wouldn't know fashion if
	     it came up and bit you on the butt."  :(

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "I may not know fashion, but I know a DRESS when I see one!"

LT. COMM. PYEWACKET:  "Shhh...I'm trying to read!"

LT. COMM. PALLAS:  "Hey!  I didn't know you were here!"

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Yeah...we came down 2 hours ago with ENSIGN RASHEED and
		   ENSIGN HOBBES."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "But wait.  Weren't you guys supposed to stay on the ship?"

LT. COMM. PYEWACKET: "What?  And miss out on the free cookies?"

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Will you let that DIE?!"

LT. COMM. MIBSTER:  "Speaking of RASHEED and HOBBES, where ARE they?"

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "They went to go get some popcorn."

LT. SCRIB:  "Mmmm...popcorn."

LT. SIREN:  "Shhh...I think it's about to start."  :)

             (At that...ADMIRAL WORLDMAGE approaches the podium)

ADMIRAL WORLDMAGE:  "Greetings, fellow officers, family and honored guests.
		     We are gathered here tonight for a very special occasion.
		     For over 200 years, Starfleet has prided itself on
		     excellence, hard work, and bad planning.  Well, tonight
		     is no exception.  Before you now, sits an officer which
		     has continued to show unfailing devotion to both Starfleet
		     and the United Federation of Planets.  Over the years,
		     he has led diplomatic missions, saved dying planets, and
		     eaten his weight...in Chocolate Chip Cookies."  8)

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Mmmm...Chocolate Chip Cookies."  :)

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Shhh."

ADMIRAL WORLDMAGE:  "14 years ago, when I served with CAPT. TREKKER on the USS
		     NIPPLES...er uh...NAPLES, I knew I was serving with an
		     exceptional officer.  Time and again, he proved to be the
		     manifested quintessence of what Starfleet holds dear.  I,
		     like many of the other officers who have served with this
		     kind and gentle leader, cherish the pride and dignity
		     with which CAPT. TREKKER has carried out his duty."  8)

LT. COMM. PALLAS:  "Geeze!  You need BOOTS to listen to this guy!"  8(

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Shhh!"

ADMIRAL WORLDMAGE:  "And that is why we on the Board of Admiralty have chosen
		     CAPTAIN Jean-Luc TREKKER to become a member of our elite
		     rank.  Therefore, without further adieu...I will now turn
		     the proceedings over to a woman who needs no introduction,
		     but will get one whether she likes it or not.  Ladies and
		     Gentlemen...the C-IN-C."  8)

                                  *APPLAUSE*

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Music Factory?"  8)

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Come on, you guys.  This is supposed to be a DIGNIFIED
		  occasion!  Now stand up!"

LT. COMM. OVERDOSE:  "We have to stand up AGAIN?!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "YES.  It's out of respect!"

LT. OVERDOSE:  "To whom?"  :(

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Look, Russ.  I don't want to have to explain to the Board of
		  Inquiry why I killed my ship's Navigator during a Promotion
		  Ceremony.  Now STAND UP!"

LT. OVERDOSE (Standing up):  "Geeze!  This is just like CHURCH!"  :(

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Russ, you don't GO to church!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Shhhhhhh!"

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "Thank you, ADMIRAL.  You may all be seated."

LT. OVERDOSE (Who promptly sits down):  "Thank God."  :(

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "Well, I'm glad to see so many of you here!  I should send out
		 mass mailings more often."  8)

                 (Meanwhile...on the other side of the room)

COMMODORE VIVISECTVI:  "5 credits says her speech is longer than WORLDMAGE's."

ADMIRAL TRIBBLE: "You're on."  :)

REAR ADMIRAL VISION:  "Can I get in on this?"  8)


                        (Meanwhile...on Ceti Alpha V)

                            .                                       .
       ______________________________              _______
      |____NCC_3301____USS_NOSTROMO_/    ##============================
                     ________|__|________/________/`-----'
                     \=_____________  _____--==> /           .
  .                                 \_|   /_____/                    .
           .         _________________|__/__
                    |______________________/        .
       ______________________________              _______
      |____LOANER__STARDRIVE________/    ##==========================
                     ________|__|________/________/`_____'
                     \=_________ PROPERTY OF UFP |
                                `----._    ---=>/         .
           .                           `-._____/                   .

                               OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
                          OOOOO    |          / OOOOO
                       OOO\        |         /       OOO
           .         OOO   \       |        /           OO          .
                   OOO      \      `-------'    __________OOO
                 OO         /                  /            OO
                OO_________/      .-----------'               OO
              OO                 /                             OO


   (CAPT. FIREDRAKE and LT. COMM. WANKER have beamed down to the surface of
Ceti Alpha V, which for all intents and purposes is a desolate and inhospitable
 hunk of rock.  Our two rugged explorers are trudging through the vast desert
    looking for the Jogabout from the USS BULLWINKLE.  Both FIREDRAKE and
                 WANKER are, of course, wearing space suits.)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Are you SURE this is the right place?"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Absolutely positive.  The Jogabout is just over that ridge."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Hmmm...not a very nice place, is it?"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Hey...this is the garden spot of Ceti Alpha V!"

(After several minutes of hiking, our gang arrives at the door of the Jogabout.)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Hmmm...The PEABODY.  Think we should go inside?"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Sounds like a good idea to me!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "But wait!  What if there are...*gulp*...BEARS inside?"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Then we'll eat their porridge, break their furniture, and
		    sleep on their stuff.  Come on, Captain.  Where's your
		    sense of ADVENTURE?!"  :)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "I think I left it on the NOSTROMO."  8(

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Hmmm...well, at least your arm is loaded.  If we run into
		    any trouble, you can just fire toast at them."  :)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Good point!  In we go!"  8)

 (WANKER presses the button on the side of the Jogabout which opens the main
               entryway, and both he and FIREDRAKE go inside.)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Uh...why is it so dark in here?"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Well, it COULD be because the lights are off.  But don't
		    quote me."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE (Stumbles around):  "Hmmm...maybe I can find the light switch."

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Good luck."


                                    *WHAM*

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "OUCH!"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "What's wrong?!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Something just hit me on the head.  Nothing serious."

(After a few more seconds of feeling around, FIREDRAKE finds the light switch.)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Found it!"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Yay!"

(FIREDRAKE turns on the lights, and to his shock, 3 bearded Starfleet officers
                 leap out at him, wearing tattered uniforms.)


LT. COMM. GROGAN:  "SURPRISE!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE (Falling backward):  "AAAUUUGGGHHH!"

LT. KORTENKAMP:  "Eeep!  Will you look at the size of his head!"

LT. COMM. TIM:  "He's wearing a spacesuit, you dummy.  That's his helmet."

LT. KORTENKAMP:  "Ah...I was wondering why he didn't fall over when I hit him
		  on the head."  :)

LT. COMM. GROGAN:  "My God.  Take a look at that one's colour!"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Who...me?"

LT. COMM. TIM:  "Yes, YOU...monkey boy.  What's your name?"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Lieutenant Commander WANKER of the USS NOSTROMO.  And
		    yourself?"

LT. COMM. TIM:  "I'm Lieutenant Commander TIM...Chief Engineer of the USS
		 BULLWINKLE.  THAT is LT. KORTENKAMP...our Navigator.  And
		 the guy with the English accent over there is our Second
		 Officer, Lieutenant Commander GROGAN."

LT. COMM. GROGAN:  "Pleased to make your acquaintance."  :)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Likewise, I'm sure."  8)

LT. COMM. TIM:  "ENOUGH WITH THE PLEASANTRIES!  I say we get the Admiral."

LT. KORTENKAMP:  "You think they should meet the Admiral NOW?"

LT. COMM. TIM:  "Why not?  They look ready for death."  :)

LT. KORTENKAMP:  "But what if he's in the tub.  You KNOW how he hates being
		  disturbed while he's in the tub."

LT. COMM. TIM:  "Just send for him, okay?"

LT. KORTENKAMP:  "Aye, sir.  KORTENKAMP to SYZYGY, we have some visitors here
		  to see you, sir."

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "WHAT?!  VISITORS?!  DON'T THEY KNOW I'M IN THE TUB?!'

LT. KORTENKAMP:  "Well, uh..."

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "NEVERMIND.  I'M ON MY WAY."

LT. COMM. GROGAN:  "Oh boy.  You're going to get it now."  :)

                                 *Beep-beep*

LT. COMM. GROGAN:  "Ah...it's 20:00 hours.  Anyone care for some tea?"

                         *INSERT EERIE SILENCE HERE*

LT. COMM. GROGAN:  "Alright then.  Just thought I would ask."

     (Suddenly, LT. OSIP walks in, and upon seeing FIREDRAKE and WANKER,
          draws his phaser and aims it at LT. COMM. WANKER's head.)

LT. OSIP:  "FREEZE, MORONS!"

LT. COMM. TIM:  "Hold your fire, Dave.  They're safe.  The Admiral is on his
		 way to see them now."

LT. OSIP (Leaning against the wall):  "Oh?  Hahahah...this is going to be
				       good."  8)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  *Gulp*

(At that, a door on the far side of the room opens and Rear Admiral SYZYGY
    appears in a bathrobe with "Property of The Delta 4 Hilton" stenciled
      across the back.  He walks toward FIREDRAKE and WANKER and begins
                         to glare at them fiercely.)

LT. COMM. TIM:  "They're from the USS NOSTROMO, sir.  FIREDRAKE, and WANKER.
		 Captain and Lt. Commander, respectively."

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Well, well, well.  If it's not two of our Starfleet
		       brethren.  So...did you come to rescue us, or to gloat
		       at our ignominy?"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Actually, we came to deliver this fruit basket and a bag
		   of..."

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "SILENCE!  If I want your opinion, I'll have kind Mr.
		       GROGAN beat it out of you!"

LT. COMM. GROGAN:  "Pardon?  Oh...yeah.  I'll pound you into pulp, bucky boy!
		    So you better watch it."  :)

                   (GROGAN goes back to drinking his tea.)

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Now.  Explain to me why you are here.  And tell me
		       what that pig TREKKER's been up to."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "TREKKER?  Oh...he's being promoted to ADMIRAL today."  8)

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "ADMIRAL?!  THAT...SCUM!  Wait...is he a FULL Admiral?"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "I believe so."

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "AAAUUUGGHHH!  THAT...FESTERING MALODOROUS SCUM!!!"

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Why are you so angry with Admiral TREKKER?"

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY (Looking at FIREDRAKE):  "You never told him the tale?  To
					      amuse your Lt. Commander?"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Well...we've been so busy lately with the painting and
		   refurbishing of the bowling alley, that it kind of slipped
		   my mind.  You know these things get away..."

LT. OSIP:  "Shut up, YOU!"

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Thank you, Lieutenant.  Never told your fellow crewmate
		       how the USS VAXERPRISE came to rescue us after we
		       encountered the BORK, and with specific orders to 
		       tow us to Starbase #455, TREKKER talks his trained 
		       minion Z, into sending us to this desolate HOLE!"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Well, you COULD have stayed on the Saucer section you know."

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Oh REALLY?!  Have you checked the temperature on that
		       floating shipwreck lately?  I don't know about you, 
		       but I don't like walking around with icicles dangling
		       from my..."

LT. KORTENKAMP:  "SIR!  Watch your language.  It's a family show."

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Hmmmph.  Anyway, the life support died out 5 days after
		       we were left here.  A group of about 70 of us from the
		       BULLWINKLE decided to take a Jogabout to the surface."

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Only 70?  Then where's the remainder of your crew?"

LT. OSIP:  "Dead."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Dead?!"

LT. OSIP:  "Hey!  We had to eat something!"

LT. COMM. TIM:  "Oh that's REALLY gross, Dave."  :(

LT. OSIP:  "Who cares?  They're as good as dead anyway."

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "No, Captain.  They aren't dead.  We put them in stasis
		       before we left.  Once the power comes back on, we can
		       defrost them."

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Uh...whoops."

LT. COMM. GROGAN (Walking over to our conversants):  "Whoops?  What's whoops?"

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "We kind of...turned the power back on when we connected
		   your Stardrive Section."  8(

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Really?!  A new stardrive?  How fortunate!"  8)

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  "Fortunate?  How come?"

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Now that we have this choice piece of information, AND
		       warp capability, we don't need YOU anymore.  We'll just
		       dispose of you, return to your ship, and take OUR ship
		       from you.  Or better yet, we'll have YOUR ship beam us
		       directly to OUR ship!"  :)

LT. COMM. WANKER:  "Way to go, Captain."  :(

CAPT. FIREDRAKE:  8(

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Mr. OSIP, would you do the honors, please?"

LT. OSIP:  "With pleasure, sir."  8)

 (At that, LT. OSIP whips out his phaser and stuns both FIREDRAKE and WANKER)

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Now...where's his communicator?"

LT. COMM. TIM:  "Got it right here, sir."

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Wonderful!  GROGAN and I will beam up first, and bring
		       the rest of you up after we've taken over the 
		       BULLWINKLE."

LT. COMM. GROGAN:  "Ah...nothing like subterfuge to get the blood going...eh?"

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Exactly."  *Beep-beep*  "*AHEM*...FIREDRAKE to
		       NOSTROMO.  2 to beam directly to the BULLWINKLE."

LT. COWJUICE:  "NOSTROMO here.  Right hand green."

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Huh?"

LT. COWJUICE:  "Right hand green!"

LT. COMM. GROGAN:  "It must be a code of some sort."

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Hmm...then what could the countersign be?"

LT. COWJUICE:  "I'm waiting, Captain.  Right hand green."

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Uh...You sank my battleship?"

LT. COWJUICE:  "Close enough.  Energizing."

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "YES!!!  See ya later, guys."  :)

LT. COMM. TIM:  "Later, Admiral."

   (Meanwhile...back on Earth.  5 hours have elapsed since the beginning of
  TREKKER's ceremony.  To the dismay of many of the members of the VAXERPRISE
       crew in attendance, the ceremony has been plagued by one turgid
          speech after another.  We now join ADMIRAL SUSHI's speech
                           ...already in progress.)
                                                      .
     .                            .


                   .           OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO                       .
     .                    OOOOO  |_/   \ ------ OOOOO       .
           .           OOO\            / --------- _/OOO
                     OOO _/           / --------- /   / OO
       ...         OOO  /            / ---------- `--' _/ OOO
                 OO -- /            / -------------- _/     OO    .
                OO --- \_    .---.  \  ------------ /         OO
     .     .  OO ------- \_  | -- `__'  ---------- |           OO
             OO ---------  \ `-\ ------------------ \


ADMIRAL SUSHI:  "And then...after the training maneuver, TREKKER walks up to me
		 and says...'Excuse me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?'
		 Hahahaha...I could have died!"  8)

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Please do."  :(

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Gee...Russ.  You've been out of sorts all evening.  Take
		  Commander PALLAS.  He's not letting the speeches get to him.
		  Are you PALLAS?"

LT. COMM. PALLAS (Head back with mouth wide open):  "Z-z-z-z..."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  8(

                    (Meanwhile...in the top row of seats)

COMM. FORD:  "Damn!  How long is this coronation supposed to last?"

CAPT. CONDOR:  "It's a Promotion Ceremony, and it was only supposed to be 30
		minutes long."

LT. COMM. ARES:  "Cripes!  And TREKKER hasn't even gotten up to speak yet!" :(

LT. COMM. ARIES:  "Forget this, man!  I'm going back for more cookies."

COMM. FORD:  "Sounds good to me.  I'm with you."  :)

CAPT. CONDOR:  "I can't take you guys anywhere."

   (Meanwhile...on the battle bridge of the USS BULLWINKLE, COMMANDER CAJUN
       and LT. ACE are watching TREKKER's ceremony on the viewscreen.)

COMM. CAJUN:  "Nice ceremony, isn't it?"

LT. ACE:  "It's ok.  I kind of like C-IN-C SMILIE's hair.  I never pictured
	   her as a red-head before."

COMM. CAJUN:  "It's a bit of a shock, isn't it?"

LT. ACE:  "Yep.  What *I* want to know is why TREKKER's wearing a dress?"

COMM. CAJUN:  "A dress?  Where?"

LT. ACE (Pointing to the viewscreen):  "There...look closely.  He's sitting
					next to ADMIRAL FRAENHAWK.  I swear
					he's wearing a sequined evening gown!"

COMM. CAJUN:  "You mean that long green thing?"

LT. ACE:  "No, that's the curtain.  THAT...the long black thing wearing the
	   cheap toupee.  He's nodding off in the chair next to FRAENHAWK."

COMM. CAJUN:  "Oh yes.  I see him now."

LT. ACE:  "See...what'd I tell you?"  :)

                             (CAJUN's jaw drops)

COMM. CAJUN:  "Oh my god.  He IS wearing a dress!"

 (Suddenly, REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY and LT. COMM. GROGAN enter the battle bridge
            with phasers drawn...aimed directly at CAJUN and ACE.)

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "I think you're sitting in our chairs."

COMM. CAJUN:  8(

LT. ACE:  :(

                         (Meanwhile...back on Earth)


DR. DOC:  "Uggh!  I think my butt's asleep."  :(

LT. SCRIB:  "Hey!  When did YOU get here?"

DR. DOC:  "About an hour ago.  You were asleep."

LT. SCRIB:  "Oh."
                 
                 (Suddenly ENSIGNS RASHEED and HOBBES arrive)

ENSIGN HOBBES:  "We're back with more popcorn!"

ENSIGN RASHEED:  "The line out there is ridiculous!"

DR. DOC:  "Yeah...and this ceremony is WAY too long.  I think I'm going to help
	   move it along a bit."  

   (DR. DOC gets up and stands on her chair...amid the sleeping audience.)

DR. DOC:  "HEY!  COULD YOU SPEED IT UP OVER THERE?!  WE AIN'T GOT ALL NIGHT YOU
	   KNOW!  SOME OF US HAVE TO DELIVER BABIES IN 9 MONTHS!"

          (ADMIRAL SUSHI immediately stops speaking, and sits down.)

ENSIGN RASHEED:  "Hey!  Way to go, Doc!"

DR. DOC:  "You just have to know how to get things done."  :)

     (FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH then walks to the podium and address the crowd.)

FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH:  "Uh...thank you, ADMIRAL SUSHI for that stirring...speech.
		      And now we have arrived at the moment in the program that
		      you've all been waiting for.  The conferring of TREKKER's
		      promotion."

AUDIENCE:  "Z-z-z-z-z..."

FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH:  "You'll get to go home soon."  :(

AUDIENCE:  "Yay!"

FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH:  "Therefore, I now call CAPT. TREKKER to the podium."

 (CAPT. TREKKER, with tears in his eyes, gets up and walks toward the podium
   where C-IN-C SMILIE is holding a silver box with the Starfleet Insignia
                            engraved on the lid.)

FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH:  "It's all yours C-IN-C."

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "Thanks, ARCH.  It is with great pleasure that I bestow this
		 rank on you TREKKER.  Over your years of service, Starfleet
		 has watched you work and we are impressed.  Therefore, in
		 gratitude of your service to king and country...I crown
		 thee...Queen of the Winter Carnival!"

    (SMILIE opens the box, and places a tiara on TREKKER's head and a sash
    around his body which reads STARFLEET'S QUEEN OF THE WINTER CARNIVAL.)

                        (Meanwhile...up in the stands)

LT. COMM. MIBSTER:  "OH MY GOD!"

LT. SCRIB:  "PALLAS!  Wake up!  They just made TREKKER Queen of the Winter
	     Carnival!"

LT. COMM. PALLAS:  "Z-z-z-z...that's nice...Z-z-z-z-z...Queen of the WHAT?!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Wow.  I hope someone is recording this."  8)

ENSIGN HOBBES (With tricorder in hand):  "We are."  8)

                               (Back on stage)

QUEEN TREKKER:  "WHAT?  Queen of WHAT Winter Carnival?"  :(

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "It was on the flyer.  I thought you read it.  Hmmm...that's
		 a shame too, because now you'll have to live out your life
		 with the knowledge that you were a guest on...TV'S BLOOPERS
		 AND PRACTICAL JOKES!"

                  (The conference hall erupts with laughter)

AUDIENCE:  "Hahahahaha...!"

QUEEN TREKKER:    :(

C-IN-C SMILIE (Pointing to the VAXERPRISE gallery):  "Behold, our accomplices!"

(At that...the entire Bridge Crew of the VAXERPRISE begins to wave frantically.)

QUEEN TREKKER:   >:(

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "But seriously, TREKKER.  We knew how fond you were of practical
		 jokes, so we couldn't pass up the opportunity!  So it is now,
		 that I have the great pleasure of conferring upon you the rank
		 ...of ADMIRAL...with all the privileges and immoluments there
		 unto appertaining.  Congratulations, ADMIRAL TREKKER."  8)

             (Thunderous applause again erupts from the audience)

ADMIRAL TREKKER (Stunned, but happy):  :)

C-IN-C SMILIE:  "Now.  For those of you who were shallow enough to come only
		 for the free cookies, you can get them in the East Wing."

   (Suddenly, dozens of dignitaries jump out of their chairs and run toward
       the entrance to the East Wing.  At the same time, COMM. FORD and
              LT. COMM. ARIES are returning from the East Wing.)

CAPT. CONDOR:  "Glad you guys could make it back."

COMM. FORD:  "It's a good thing too.  We just finished off the cookies."

ADMIRAL TRIBBLE (In the East Wing):  "HEY!  WHO ATE ALL THE COOKIES?!"

COMM. FORD:  :)

LT. COMM. ARIES:  8)

                         (Meanwhile...near the stage)

ADMIRAL WORLDMAGE:  "Commander!  I've been looking all over for you!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Sir!  That was a wonderfully stirring speech you gave!"

ADMIRAL WORLDMAGE:  "Thank you.  I wrote it myself.  I want to know if you
		     could do us a favor."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Sure...what is it?"

ADMIRAL WORLDMAGE:  "Well, the Fleet Yards have been churning out Starships
		     faster than we can find Captains for them.  And after
		     reviewing your service record, I believe you're ready
		     to command your own Starship."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Me?  A Captain?"

ADMIRAL WORLDMAGE:  "Yes, you.  You're very talented, and ever since we got
		     that Starship replicator, we've been finding it hard
		     to store the little beasties.  So would you mind taking
		     one of them off our hands?"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Uh...which one?"

ADMIRAL WORLDMAGE:  "It's a TALON class Starship.  The USS VAN DAMME."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "The VAN DAMME?  Why would anyone name a Starship VAN DAMME?"

ADMIRAL WORLDMAGE:  "Well, ever since he saved President Schwarzenegger's life
		     back in 2009, Starfleet kind of felt beholden."  8)

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Uh...I'll get back to you on that."

 (Several hours later, after having commandeered the USS BULLWINKLE from the
  crew of the NOSTROMO, the bridge crew prepare to enter the main bridge for
                         the first time in 3 years.)
	      
                             _____.
  _____.       _____.                                        _____.
                                             _____.
       ______________________________              _______
      |____LOANER__STARDRIVE________/    ##==========================
                     ________|__|________/________/`_____'
                     \=_________ PROPERTY OF UFP |
                                `----._    ---=>/         _____.
      _____.                           `-._____/                 _____.
                      _____.


                      (We now join them in Turbolift #7)

LT. OSIP:  "So GROGAN.  You sure the NOSTROMO can't catch us?"

LT. COMM. GROGAN:  "Most assuredly.  Just before we left the system, I
		    deposited a 6 pack of Newcastle Brown Ale in the centre
		    of their Warp Core.  The Queen Mother will be proud."  8)

    (For those of you playing at home, the mother of Queen Elizabeth II is
   STILL ALIVE, and living quite comfortably in Buckingham Palace.  Granted
               she's 300 years old but hey, what do you expect?
                  Royal blood is laced with preservatives!)

LT. KORTENKAMP:  "A whole 6 pack!  That's wicked."  :(

TURBOLIFT COMPUTER:  "MAIN BRIDGE."

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Well, here we go."

  (The doors of the Turbolift open, and the occupants disperse toward their
 stations.  Rear Admiral SYZYGY lingers a moment near the viewscreen to gaze
                        at the Commissioning plaque.)

          .-------------------------------------------------------.
          |                                                       |
          |               USS BULLWINKLE - NCC-2061               |
          |                                                       |
          |                 ----------*----------                 |
	  |	    Commanding Officer: Rear Adm. SYZYGY          |
	  |	     Executive Officer: Cmdr. BILL                |
          |             Second Officer: Lt. Cmdr. GROGAN          |
          |             Chief Engineer: Lt. Cmdr. TIM             |
          |      Chief Medical Officer: Dr. CHRISTOS              |
          |                 ----------*----------                 |
          |                                                       |
          |   PLACE OF CONSTRUCTION: Utopia Planitia Fleet Yards  |
          |      COMMISSIONING DATE: Stardate 46099.8             |
          |                                                       |
          |                 ----------*----------                 |
          |                                                       |
          |   "You Knew The Job Was Dangerous When You Took It!"  |
	  |							  |
          `-------------------------------------------------------'

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Ah...ye olde commissioning plaque."  :)

          (SYZYGY then walks to his command chair and takes a seat.)

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Status."

LT. OSIP:  "Engines are running beautifully.  We're cruising at Warp 5, in
	    no particular direction.  And I'm lovin' every moment of it."  8)

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Excellent.  Mr. GROGAN, contact Starbase #455.  I wish
		       to speak to ZAPHOD."

LT. COMM. GROGAN:  "Right on it, sir."

LT. COMM. TIM:  "So, sir.  How are you going to effect your revenge on
		 TREKKER?  You aren't going to kill him are you?"

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Oh no.  I'm going to do WORSE than kill him.  You see,
		       by having me sent to Ceti Alpha V, he kicked dirt in 
		       my face.  And NOBODY kicks dirt in MY face.  That's why
 		       I've already started work on a plan to...punish him."

LT. COMM. TIM:  "Cool!"

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "You see, ADMIRAL TREKKER is not the brave and fearless
		       leader Starfleet would like us to believe he is.
		       I was doing a little research in my quarters a while
		       ago and I accessed the data file containing the log
		       entries made by Starfleet vessels assigned to Starbase
		       #133.  To my surprise, the USS VAXERPRISE filed a log
		       entry on 48865 which clandestinely mentioned that they
		       left a crew member behind on Gignac IV; a planet in
		       sector 86J which they were exploring.  Anyway, after
		       probing a little further, I discovered that this crew
		       member was none other than LT. Eugene T. VENKMAN III."

LT. COMM. TIM:  "Eugene T. VENKMAN III?  Isn't he the son of..."

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:   "...the Vice President of the Federation?  Exactly."

LT. COMM. TIM:  "Oooo...boy!  It's gonna hit the fan, kids!"

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Precisely.  A few hours ago, I spoke to ADMIRAL XIMINEZ
		       about the matter, he informed me that some of the
		       members of the Board of Admiralty were a bit reluctant
		       to bestow TREKKER with such a high rank.  Evidently,
		       someone has been watching him for quite some time.  Any-
		       way, he said that he's going to form a Board of Inquiry
		       get to the bottom of this...scandal."  :)

LT. COMM. TIM:  "Superb, ADMIRAL!  Absolutely suberb!"

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY:  "Hey!  It's air tight, and I've got him RIGHT where I 
		       want him.  Hey.  Paybacks are a bitch."

                      (Suddenly, COMMANDER BILL enters)

COMM. BILL:  "Well, the ball is rolling.  I just received a communique from
	      COMMODORE VIVISECTVI, about our inquiry.  He informed me that
	      he will examine TREKKER's file from top to bottom as soon as he
	      gets back to Starbase #133.  Which should be sometime tomorrow
	      morning."  8)

REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY (Grinning maniacally):  "YES!!!  Heh-heh-heh!  TREKKER...
					     your butt is MINE!"
	      
                             _____.
  _____.       _____.                                        _____.
                                             _____.
       ______________________________              _______
      |____LOANER__STARDRIVE________/    ##==========================
                     ________|__|________/________/`_____'
                     \=_________ PROPERTY OF UFP |
                                `----._    ---=>/         _____.
      _____.                           `-._____/                 _____.
                      _____.


  (The next day...back on Earth, the crew of the VAXERPRISE has returned to
     the ship, and ADMIRAL TREKKER is at his post as LT. OVERDOSE lays in
        the coordinates that will take them to their next adventure.)

                    .   ___                       ___            .
                       |_|_|       __---__       |_|_|
                     ___\_/_____---_______---_____\_/___
                     \_________________________________/
                            \\_   \_______/   _//                       .
          .                   \\_   `---'   _//
                                \\..-|_|-..//
.                .               `/ .---. \'                 .
                                 | |  o  | |
                               OOO\ `___' /OOOOOO
     .                    OOOOO  |_`-----' ---- OOOOO
           .           OOO\            / --------- _/OOO
                     OOO _/           / --------- /   / OO
       ...         OOO  /            / ---------- `--' _/ OOO
                 OO -- /            / -------------- _/     OO
                OO --- \_    .---.  \  ------------ /         OO
     .     .  OO ------- \_  | -- `__'  ---------- |           OO
             OO ---------  \ `-\ ------------------ \


COMM. EINSTEIN:  "So, ADMIRAL.  What's next on our itinerary?"

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "We've been given orders to proceed to the Planet Fleagle
		   to aid in their entry into the Federation."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Isn't that the planet that speaks Tamarian?"

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "Yeah.  I'll be brushing up on my DARMOKESE over the next
		   few days, and LT. SIREN has offered to...help me."  :)

LT. OVERDOSE:  "How do *I* go about getting some of this...*ahem*...help?"
		   
ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "You don't."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "SSSSLAM!"  8)

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "HE SHOOTS!  HE SCORES!  One point for Admiral TREKKER.  And
		   now for a word from Depend Undergarments."  8)

LT. COMM. PYEWACKET:  "Shhh!  I'm trying to read!"

                            (Suddenly, Z appears.)

                                   *FWOOSH*

COUNSELOR BELGARATH:  "I sense a toilet flushing."

Z:  "GREETINGS, Mon Capitan!"  8)

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "That's ADMIRAL to you, pot head."

Z:  "Oh....a thousand pardons, sahib!"  8)

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "So, why are you here NOW, Z?"

Z:  "I came to congratulate you on your fame and fortune, and to bid all my
     former crew mates a fond..."  8)

(Suddenly...a SECOND member of the Z appears.  But this one is referred to as
 G, and he's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has dark hair and well developed eyebrows.
             His resemblance to ACHERNAR is PURELY coincidental.

G:  "ICK!  How squalid."  8(

Z:  "G!  What brings YOU here?"  8)

G:  "I came to collect you."

Z:  "Collect me?  Whatever for?"  8)

G:  "You are to be put on trial.  Several members of the Continuum find your
     flirtation with these...humans...to be vulgar, and painfully offensive.
     It is an affront to everything the Z stand for, and we will put a stop
     to it."

Z:  "But I'm here visiting my friends!  Aren't I, fellas?"  8)

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "I see no friends here, Z."  :)

LT. OVERDOSE:  "Nope...never heard of him."  :)

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Hmmph.  He's no friend of MINE!"

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Z who?"

G:  "Then that settles it.  You're coming with me."

Z:  "No!  TREKKER!  You can't let them take me!  They don't know how to love!
     Not like YOU!  I can't even TOUCH them!  Don't let them take me!"
     TREKKER?!  You MUSTN'T take me!  I'm too young to die!"  8(

G:  "Oh please!  You're over 8 million years old.  And besides, you'll only
     die if you get kicked out of the Z.  Which is a dang good possibility.
     Now let's go.  The sight of these...humans is making me ill."

Z:  "I WANNA STAY!"  8(

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "Bye Charlie!  Write when you get work!"  :)

                                   *FWOOSH*

                              (Both Z's vanish)

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "YES!!!  He's out of my hair forever!"

LT. OVERDOSE:  "But, sir...you don't..."

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "Watch it, Lieutenant."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Wow.  That was so...sad."  8(

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "Who cares?!  We're finally rid of him!  And I have bigger
		   fish to fry!  MR. LTCOMDATA, plot a course to the Planet
		   Fleagle, warp factor 2!"

LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA:  "Course plotted and laid in, sir."

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "Very well.  En..."

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Sir, we're receiving an urgent message from FLEET ADMIRAL
		   ARCH."

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "Probably to congratulate me on my promotion, no doubt.
		   On screen."  :)

FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH:  "Hello, TREKKER.  Some disturbing news has just crossed
		      my desk."

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "Really?  What is it?"

FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH:  "Well, someone has gone to a great deal of trouble to 
		      inquire about your past and I'm afraid they've found
		      some damaging evidence against you.  They were obviously
		      very good at covering their tracks, because none of us
		      at headquarters knows who started the inquiry.  Anyway,
		      the accusations brought against you are pretty severe
		      and they warrant your presence here at Headquarters.  So,
		      I would appreciate it if you could report to my office
		      as soon as possible, I'd like to go over..."

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "But, sir.  What about our mission?"

FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH:  "That's the other thing I have to discuss with you.  Due
		      to charges brought against you, we believe that you may
		      be detained here for a while.  So, I'm going to have to
		      ask you to relinquish command of the VAXERPRISE."

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "WHAT?  But you can't!"

FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH:  "It's the decision of the Council, Jean-Luc, not mine.
		      The USS VELOCIRAPTOR will intercept you in a few minutes
		      with your replacement.  Upon his arrival, he will take
		      immediate command of the VAXERPRISE."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Pardon me for interrupting.  But what about me?  Why aren't
		  I being given command?"

FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH:  "The delicate nature of your mission requires an
		      experienced negotiator.  The Council believed you were
		      too young to fill that need.  The transfer will take
		      place as scheduled.  ARCH out."

ADMIRAL TREKKER:   :(

LT. OVERDOSE:  "My...when it rains, it pours."

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "Number One, accompany me please."

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "Aye, sir."

     (TREKKER and EINSTEIN leave on their way to Transporter Room Dopey)

LT. COMM. ACKER:  "Gee.  I wonder who our new Captain will be?"

                      (Later...in the Transporter Room.)

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "Hmmmph.  Relinquish my command..eh?  Someone's going to
		   pay DEARLY for this."

COMM. EINSTEIN:   8(

LT. DEEPLY:  "Sir, the VELOCIRAPTOR is signalling they are ready."

ADMIRAL TREKKER:  "Hmmmph...Energize."

(At that, the transporter beam engages, and the new Captain of the VAXERPRISE
   appears on the Transporter Pad, holding a suitcase, and smoking a pipe.)

COMM. EINSTEIN:  "NO!"

CAPTAIN SPUDBOY:  "Greetings all!  I'm here to serve!"  :)

ADMIRAL TREKKER (Clutching his heart):  "AAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!"

                                    *THUD*

                       (And with that, TREKKER faints.)


                    .   ___                       ___            .
                       |_|_|       __---__       |_|_|
                     ___\_/_____---_______---_____\_/___
                     \_________________________________/
                            \\_   \_______/   _//                       .
          .                   \\_   `---'   _//
                                \\..-|_|-..//
.                .               `/ .---. \'                 .
                                 | |  o  | |
                               OOO\ `___' /OOOOOO
     .                    OOOOO  |_`-----' ---- OOOOO
           .           OOO\            / --------- _/OOO
                     OOO _/           / --------- /   / OO
       ...         OOO  /            / ---------- `--' _/ OOO
                 OO -- /            / -------------- _/     OO
                OO --- \_    .---.  \  ------------ /         OO
     .     .  OO ------- \_  | -- `__'  ---------- |           OO
             OO ---------  \ `-\ ------------------ \


                     "Will the VAXERPRISE be destroyed?"

                    "Will SPUDBOY destroy the VAXERPRISE?"

                  "Did TREKKER get any of the free cookies?"

_____________________________________________________________________

Tune in next week for the exciting continuation of:
VAXTREK 9: "C'est La Z!"

Only on Board #11:

"Boldly Going Forward, 'Cause TREKKER wears a dress."

_____________________________________________________________________

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