Vaxtrek 9 - The Conclusion
(When we last left our heroes, TREKKER and Z were beginning to devise a plan
for rescuing their commrades on the VAXERPRISE. For those of you playing at
home, Fleagle had declared war on the Federation after CAPT. JELLYHEAD
inadvertently offended their head monarch, Q'oach MONGO. JELLYHEAD, EINSTEIN
and OVERDOSE are being held captive and are scheduled for execution at dawn.
We now join our plucky little children of doom, namely TREKKER and Z,
as they ride the subway, on their way downtown.)
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TREKKER: "Admiral's Personal Log...Stardate 48010.3 It is 8:35 Friday
morning and Z and I are on our way to rendezvous with a gentleman
who says he can supply us with a ship. Z has yet to inform me of
his plan for getting our jobs back, and rescuing the VAXERPRISE, but
I have this unusual feeling that I should trust him in this matter.
End of Log."
Z (Holding a tape recorder): "LOG ENTRY HAS BEEN RECORDED AND FILED."
TREKKER: "Thank you, Z. I feel MUCH better." :)
Z: "Do you HAVE to do that in EVERY episode of VAXTREK?!"
TREKKER: "Would it make you feel any better if I said, 'Dear Diary'?"
Z: "Hmmm...I guess so. Does it have anything to do with cows?"
TREKKER: "No, moron. You're thinking of DAIRY!"
Z: "Oh. Then a personal log has nothing to do with trees then?" 8)
TREKKER: "No."
(Z begins looking around at all the people on the train, who, strangely
enough, stare back at him as if he's a creature from outer space.)
Z: "Wow! This public transportation thing is really neat! It's clean AND
efficient! I trust your experience has been similar?" 8)
TREKKER (Hands Z a newspaper): "Here, read this."
Z (Accepts newspaper): "Why?"
TREKKER: "Because, maybe if your BRAIN is occupied, you won't TALK so much."
Z: "ME? TALK? NEVER! I mean, heaven forbid I should ramble. I remember the
time Gloria and I went to the Farmer's Market to pick up some eggs. I kept
telling her, 'Gloria, you can't get Ostrich eggs from the Farmer's Market.'
But would she listen to me? Noooo. Now she's in rehab trying to get
the shards of chicken beak out of her forehead. Girls...you can't live
with 'em...you can't shoot 'em...you can't turn 'em into hamsters..." 8)
TREKKER: "Z!"
Z: "Yeeeees?" 8)
TREKKER: "SHUT UP!"
Z (Stands and salutes): "Yes, SIR!" 8)
(Z sits back down and begins to read the front page.)
Z: "Uh...I hate to alarm you Mister Former Admiral Man, but weren't those
vagabonds you call crew members supposed to be executed at dawn?"
TREKKER: "Yes, why?"
Z: "Well, it's 8:37, and dawn happened quite some time ago."
TREKKER: "But see, they mean dawn at the Fleaglean capital."
Z: "Ah...and since Fleagle rotates once every 36 hours, that gives us..."
TREKKER: "9 hours to hire a ship, get there, and persuade the government
not to execute them. Basically, it's impossible." :(
Z: "Don't worry, I've been doing a little research on Q'oach MONGO, and I
know JUST how to persuade him to see things OUR way." 8)
TREKKER: "Well, for everyone's sake, let's HOPE so."
(Z goes back to reading the paper.)
Z: "Hahahah! Did you read Ziggy today?! It's a riot!" 8)
TREKKER: "SHUT UP, Z!"
Z: 8)
(At that, the train stops)
SUBWAY COMPUTER: "WE HAVE NOW ARRIVED AT...DOWNTOWN. PLEASE WATCH YOUR HEAD
AND STEP AS YOU DISEMBARK."
TREKKER (Gets up to leave): "Come on, let's go."
Z: "Yay! Are we going shopping?! I think I want to buy some shoes! I've
never bought shoes before." 8)
TREKKER (Looking up at the ceiling): "Why me, God? Why me?"
(TREKKER and Z leave the subway terminal and emerge on the street above.
The sky is clear and the temperature is a pleasant 65 degrees. The pair begin
their stroll toward a large plaza nestled between several large buildings.)
Z: "So, are you sure this guy we're meeting is reliable?"
TREKKER: "As far as I know. He's supposedly been in the business for quite
some time. He used to be a Starfleet Captain, but he retired about
10 years ago, after he won the lottery."
Z: "Does he live here in Apple Valley?"
TREKKER: "No. He lives on Delta IV. He owns a large salvage yard where he
keeps junked Sci-Fi vessels."
Z: "Cool! 8)
(The pair arrive in the plaza and sit down next to a gentleman wearing a
Purple T-shirt bearing the words "SuperBee" across the front.)
ANKH: "Greetings, gentlemen. Are you the guys I spoke to on the phone?"
TREKKER: "Yes, I'm TREKKER and this is Z."
ANKH: "C'est la Z?" 8)
TREKKER: "Don't get cute. I presume you're CAPT. ANKH?"
ANKH: "ANKH, yes. I dropped the Captain part several years ago. It caused
problems with some of my creditors. Anyway, what can I do you for?"
TREKKER: "Well, we need a vessel with warp capability. Preferably, around
Warp 3."
ANKH: "Hey! You're in luck! I have JUST the thing for you. It's an old
Starfleet shuttle from the USS VAXERPRISE. Some guy brought it in and
traded it for one of my Colonial Vipers a few years back. I finally
purchased a new phase inverter for the dumb thing."
Z: "Did you say VAXERPRISE? Hey Jean-Luc, wasn't that YOUR rust bucket?"
TREKKER: "Yes, Z."
ANKH: "Jean-Luc? Ah! It makes sense now. You're the Captain of the ship
that guy was trying to return to!"
Z: "Heh. He WUZ." 8)
TREKKER: "Hush, Z. That guy wasn't LT. LAZLO was it?"
ANKH: "Yep, that he was. He mentioned something about you leaving him behind
when he went outside to..."
TREKKER: "Yes, yes...we've been through this already. Just give us the ship."
ANKH: "Well, it's the GOOMBOT, and as I said, it does have warp capability,
but I can't just GIVE it to you."
TREKKER: "What do you mean?! It's Starfleet property!"
ANKH: "Yes, but you're no longer a member of Starfleet, are you?"
Z (Looking at TREKKER): "He's got ya there, JEEN!" 8)
TREKKER: :(
ANKH: "And, according to the Starfleet inventory log from Stardate 44574, the
GOOMBOT was catalogued as having crashed on Delta IV. This voids any
claims Starfleet has on it."
TREKKER: "Hmmmph."
ANKH: "However...I'll be glad to SELL it to you, for a substantial profit of
course."
TREKKER: "Really?! How much?" :)
ANKH: "Hmmm...including the new phase inverter, a fresh coat of paint, and a
recharged anti-matter supply, I'd say...$18,000,000."
TREKKER: "EIGHTEEN MILLION DOLLARS?!"
ANKH: "Hey! Anti-matter isn't exactly what one would call a 'discount
commodity'! That stuff is expensive!"
Z: "Jean-Luc! Mi hermano! You're forgetting you're with ME! WONDER BOY!
The chosen one of the gods! Heh...cash is NO problem!" 8)
(Z snaps his fingers...and nothing happens.)
Z: "D'oh!" 8(
TREKKER: "ANKH, I don't have 18 million dollars. However, I DO have an idiot
for a roommate. Perhaps we could..."
Z (Pulling TREKKER aside): "Uh...pardon us for a second?"
ANKH: "Sure."
(Z and TREKKER step back a few feet so that they may speak privately.)
TREKKER (Whispering): "What is it, Z?"
Z: "I was thinking. You don't NEED money! You can use one of those little
plastic thingies...what are they called? Credit cards?!"
TREKKER: "I'll pretend you didn't say that."
Z: "You have one though, don't you?"
TREKKER: "Yeeees. But we aren't going to USE it."
Z (Confused): "Why not? It's only 18 million dollars!"
TREKKER (Walking over to ANKH): "Go away, Z."
Z: 8(
TREKKER: "ANKH? Perhaps we can negotiate. Possibly, a trade?"
ANKH: "That would be acceptable. What do you have?"
TREKKER (Pointing to Z): "How about this slightly used entity?"
Z: "HEY!"
TREKKER: :)
(Meanwhile...on the Planet Fleagle, CAPT. JELLYHEAD, COMM. EINSTEIN, and
LT. OVERDOSE are locked away in a dark, somewhat damp dungeon in the
basement of the Palace of Q'oach MONGO. We join our wretched amigos
as they ponder their fate.)
. . _________________________________=====___
__--__ \ ===<=USS VAXERPRISE = NCC-1313-A === /
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LT. OVERDOSE: "Did I mention we're all going to die?" :(
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Look, Lieutenant. If you keep whining about our ordeal,
it'll make the wait all the more unbearable. Take Commander
EIGENVALUE over there. He's not letting this affect him.
Are you, Number One?!"
COMM. EINSTEIN (Mumbling to himself): "2...4...16...256...65,536...4 billion
294 million, 967 thousand 296..."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Are you playing 'Powers' over there, Number One?"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "No, actually I'm counting how rapidly these rats are
multiplying."
LT. OVERDOSE: "We're gonna die." :(
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Perhaps if I speak with the guard, he'll listen to reason."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Don't you think you've done enough already, Captain?"
(CAPT. JELLYHEAD gets up and walks over to the bars of the cell)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Actually, I plan to do more. But first, we have to get out
of here. GUARD! WHERE'S OUR FOOD?!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "They're not going to feed us."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "And what makes you think that?"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Think about it, Captain! Why bother FEEDING us if they're
going to kill us?! DUH!"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Heh. You just have to know how to talk to these people."
LT. OVERDOSE: "Wasn't it your lack of knowledge in that department that got
us in here in the first place?"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Heh. You're just jealous that I'm a Captain, and you're a
lowly Lieutenant." :)
LT. OVERDOSE: "Yeah...and monkeys might fly outta my butt."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Shhh! I think someone's coming."
GUARD #1: "Rose, Blanche and Dorothy at the hotel."
LT. OVERDOSE: "Wh?"
GUARD #1: "Rose, Blanche and Dorothy in jail! Hahahaha!" :)
(The guard leaves)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "I wonder what THAT was all about?"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "It was a Golden Girls reference. I think I remember that
episode. Rose, Blanche and Dorothy were visiting a hotel on
Miami Beach when the place was raided. They were arrested
for prostitution."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "So the guard thinks we're...PROSTITUTES?!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Hmmm...I hope not."
LT. OVERDOSE: "And me without my neon green pumps and halter top." :)
(Meanwhile...on the VAXERPRISE, two crew members are walking down
a corridor on Deck 4; more popularly referred to as The LIDO DECK. We join
the pair as they make small talk en route to a nearby turbolift.)
LT. HORST: "So, did you see that tape of TREKKER's Promotion Ceremony?"
LT. FREEMAN: "Nah. I was too busy watching his court-martial." 8)
LT. HORST: "Oh yeah! How did that go?"
LT. FREEMAN: "They canned him."
LT. HORST: "No way!"
LT. FREEMAN: "Yes, way. And to top it all off, CAPTAIN JELLYHEAD is about
to be executed."
LT. HORST: "Hey! Maybe COMM. EINSTEIN will become our new Captain." :)
LT. FREEMAN: "Don't hold your breath. EINSTEIN's going to be snuffed out as
well."
LT. HORST: "Drat!"
LT. FREEMAN: "So, which ship did you transfer from?"
LT. HORST: "Well, I was an Ensign aboard the USS STOLICHNAYA, and upon my
promotion, I requested a transfer to the VAXERPRISE."
LT. FREEMAN: "You switched from the STOLI to the VAXERPRISE? What are you,
nuts?!"
LT. HORST: "Hey! This is the flagship of the fleet!"
LT. FREEMAN: "Yeah...but the STOLI is a TALON class! Those mamas are SWEET!
You ever listen to the engines throttle up to Warp 9 from a dead
stop? Man...it'll make you think you've died and gone to
heaven."
LT. HORST: "True, but that's NOTHING compared to the knowledge that I'll
be serving on the legendary VAXERPRISE! Some of Starfleet's
BEST serve here."
LT. FREEMAN: "Uh...guess again, happy pants. On the USS BLADDER INFECTION we
used to call this the USS LOSERPRISE. There were at least a
hundred running jokes on our ship about TREKKER's hair alone!"
LT. HORST: "Then why are YOU here?"
LT. FREEMAN: "1...they pay more, 2...the male-female ratio is better, and 3...
who in their right mind would want to serve on a ship called
the USS BLADDER INFECTION? We held the record for the fastest
turnover rate in the fleet for over 4 years."
LT. HORST: "I see." :)
(At that, the pair arrive at the Turbolift, the doors open
and they step inside.)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "LEVEL PLEASE."
LT. FREEMAN: "Engineering."
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "THANK YOU. PLEASE STAND CLEAR OF THE DOORS. POR FAVOR
MANTENGANSE ALEJADOS DE LAS PUERTAS."
(The doors close, and as the turbolift begins to move, the digitized voice
of Ensign PODAR emerges from the speakers.)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "TO ALL OUR NEW PASSENGERS, ALOHA! WELCOME TO TURBOLIFT
MAUVE. WE ARE TRAVELING DOWNWARD AT A SPEED OF ROUGHLY
5 METERS PER SECOND EN ROUTE TO THE WATERMELON DECK."
LT. HORST: "What the...?"
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "YOU ARE RIDING IN THE STATE OF THE ART IN INTRASHIP
TRANSPORTATION. OUR WHISPER QUIET PASSENGER COMPARTMENT
IS BEING PROPELLED BY 3 LINEAR INDUCTION MOTORS MOUNTED
LONGITUDINALLY ALONG THE LENGTH OF THE CAR."
LT. FREEMAN: "You see why we called it the LOSERPRISE?"
LT. HORST: "I don't know. I kind of like it." :)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "THE CAR CONSISTS OF A LIGHTWEIGHT DURANIUM COMPOSITE
FRAMEWORK, SUPPORTING..."
(Suddenly, the turbolift brakes in order to stop on Deck 10.)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "...WE ARE NOW STOPPING. PLEASE REMAIN STATIONARY UNTIL
THE TURBOLIFT HAS COME TO A COMPLETE STOP. IF YOU ARE
DISEMBARKING, THANK YOU FOR USING VITS: THE VAXERPRISE
INTRASHIP TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM."
(The doors open.)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "THIS IS THE KIWI FRUIT DECK...HOME OF CINDY'S BAR &
GRILL. PLEASE, WATCH YOUR STEP."
LT. HORST: "Isn't this cool?!"
LT. FREEMAN: "No."
(LT. COMM. MIBSTER and LT. INDIA enter the Turbolift)
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "Hey kids!"
LT. HORST: "Commander."
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "LEVEL PLEASE."
LT. INDIA: "Uh...Deck 42."
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "THANK YOU. PLEASE STAND CLEAR OF THE DOORS. POR FAVOR
MANTENGANSE ALEJADOS DE LAS PUERTAS."
(The doors close and Turbolift Mauve continues its journey.)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "TO ALL OUR NEW PASSENGERS, HOWDY! WELCOME TO TURBOLIFT
MAUVE. WE ARE TRAVELING SIDEWAYS AT A SPEED OF ROUGHLY
8 METERS PER SECOND EN ROUTE TO THE WATERMELON DECK AND
THE GUADALUPE DECK.
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "So, you're going to the arboretum?"
LT. INDIA: "Yeah. I haven't been there in a while. I'm meeting LT. SVEN
before my next shift."
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "SVEN? Whatever for?"
LT. INDIA: "Filler. As you probably guessed, we're padding out the scene
here."
LT. HORST: "Ah...so THAT's why this turbolift scene is so dang long!"
LT. INDIA: "Yep. It's a VAXTREK tradition to include long, turgid scenes in
either a turbolift, or the holodeck. It's used to pad out the
time between plot complications."
LT. FREEMAN: "Heh. That in itself speaks volumes."
(As the turbolift begins to move downward again, LT. HORST looks at the
control panel, and stares vacantly at the blinking lights.)
LT. HORST: "How pretty." :)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "...THE INTERCONNECTING DORSAL BETWEEN THE PRIMARY AND
SECONDARY HULLS, NOT ONLY CONTAINS A MYRIAD OF CONDUITS,
BUT HOUSES ONE OF THE MOST LUXURIOUS LOUNGES ON THE
VAXERPRISE. THE NEWLY COMPLETED 'STARBOARD SIDE LOUNGE'
WILL BE THE SITE OF MANY DIPLOMATIC AND RECREATIONAL
EVENTS; INCLUDING THE ANNUAL SADIE HAWKINS DANCE, VAX
BOWLING, AND ZERO-G SKEET SHOOTING. YOU'LL FIND THAT..."
(Suddenly, the turbolift brakes in order to stop on Deck 26.)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "...WE ARE NOW STOPPING. PLEASE REMAIN STATIONARY UNTIL
THE TURBOLIFT HAS COME TO A COMPLETE STOP. IF YOU ARE
DISEMBARKING, THANK YOU FOR USING VITS: THE VAXERPRISE
INTRASHIP TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM."
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "Joy."
(The doors open)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "THIS IS THE PARSIMON DECK. PLEASE, WATCH YOUR STEP."
(At that, LT. COMM. KITIRAT enters.)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "LEVEL PLEASE."
LT. COMM. KITIRAT: "Engineering."
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "THANK YOU. PLEASE STAND CLEAR OF THE DOORS. POR FAVOR
MANTENGANSE ALEJADOS DE LAS PUERTAS."
(The doors close and Turbolift Mauve continues its trek downward.)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "TO ALL OUR NEW PASSENGERS, BIENVENIDO! THIS IS TURBOLIFT
MAUVE. WE ARE TRAVELING DOWNWARD AT A SPEED OF ROUGHLY
3 METERS PER SECOND EN ROUTE TO THE WATERMELON DECK AND
THE GUADALUPE DECK."
LT. FREEMAN: "Is this scene EVER going to end?"
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "Not likely."
LT. INDIA (Looking at KITIRAT): "Hey! Weren't you a Romulan in VAXTREK 8?"
LT. COMM. KITIRAT: "Shhh! Don't say it too loud. People might get
suspicious." :)
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "Too late, butthead."
LT. HORST (Looking at INDIA): "Pardon me for interrupting, but how long have
you and MIBSTER been serving on the VAXERPRISE?"
LT. INDIA: "I've been here for about a year, and MIBSTER's been here for 2."
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "Yep, and it's been the happiest 2 years of my life."
LT. HORST: "Really?"
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "Nah, but it sounds good, doesn't it?" :)
(Suddenly, the turbolift brakes in order to stop at Engineering.)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "...WE ARE NOW STOPPING. PLEASE REMAIN STATIONARY UNTIL
THE TURBOLIFT HAS COME TO A COMPLETE STOP. IF YOU ARE
DISEMBARKING, THANK YOU FOR USING VITS: THE VAXERPRISE
INTRASHIP TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM."
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "INDIA, remind me to take the stairs next time."
LT. INDIA: :)
(The doors open and HORST, FREEMAN and KITIRAT exit the Turbolift)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "THIS IS THE WATERMELON DECK. PLEASE, WATCH YOUR STEP."
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "I think I'm going to have a nice long bubble bath when this
episode is over."
LT. INDIA: "Sounds perfect to me."
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "PLEASE STAND CLEAR OF THE DOORS. POR FAVOR MANTENGANSE..."
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "ALRIGHT ALREADY! WE GET THE POINT!"
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "SORRY."
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "Don't apologize! Just STOP it!"
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "YES MA'AM."
LT. INDIA: "Git it girl!"
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "When you got it, you got it." :)
(Meanwhile...back on Earth)
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(TREKKER and Z have completed negotiations with ANKH, and they're on their
way to the GOOMBOT. We join the pair as they leave a local clothier.)
TREKKER: "I can't believe you talked me into giving ANKH all of my GENESIS
CDs." :(
Z: "What do want? You didn't have the $18,000,000. We had to give him
SOMETHING!"
TREKKER: "Yes, but my GENESIS CDs? My entire supply of Chocolate Chip
Cookies was bad enough, but to have to give up my CDs?!"
Z: "Who cares about your dusty old CDs?! How do you like the way my new
pants fit?" 8)
(Z strikes a pose)
TREKKER: "They're charming." :(
Z: "Thanks! Hmmm...are you sure they wear this kind of stuff on Fleagle?
You've been wrong about clothing before, you know."
TREKKER: "Yes, I'm sure. Those pants are all the rage this time of year."
Z: "Really? Says whom?"
TREKKER: "Intelligence."
Z: "Who's intelligence?"
TREKKER: "Starfleet's!"
(TREKKER and Z arrive at the GOOMBOT, which is parked in a lot across the
street from the aforementioned clothier.)
Z: "Starfleet intelligence? Isn't that an oxymoron?" 8)
TREKKER: "Shut up and get in the shuttle."
(TREKKER opens the door and steps inside. Z immediately sits at the co-pilot's
station and notices the technical manual sitting on the dashboard.)
Z: "Hey! Jean-Luc! Look what I found!" 8)
TREKKER (Stowing his gear under the Captain's seat): "What is it NOW, Z?"
Z: "It's an old copy of the Shuttlecraft Tech Manual!"
TREKKER (Fastening his seat belt): "Yeah, what about it?"
Z: "The first 4 pages are scribbled on. And I believe you're mentioned." 8)
TREKKER (Powering up the engines): "Really?! What does it say?"
Z: "It's tough to make it out, but I think it says, 'Dear Dairy...er I mean
Diary. I've been adrift out here for 7 hours now. When I see TREKKER
again, I'm going to shove this tech manual right up his...'"
TREKKER: "Thank you, Z. That'll be QUITE enough."
Z: "But it's signed, Lovingly yours, Lieutenant LAZLO."
TREKKER: "Thank you, I'm quite aware of that. Fasten your seat belt.
We're leaving."
Z: "YAAAAY!" 8)
TREKKER: "WHY, God?! WHY?!"
Z: 8)
(Meanwhile...back at Starfleet Headquarters, two old friends say goodbye)
CAPT. RED: "Well, Ira. It's been fun."
CAPT. BLUE: "Yep. The best 3 installments of my life."
COMM. JUANA: "You WILL come and visit us on the FATHEAD every once in a while,
won't you?"
CAPT. BLUE: "Certainly! I'd be honored." :)
CAPT. RED: "Oh...that reminds me. I wanted to do something before you left."
(CAPT. RED reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small box. He then takes
hold of JUANA's hand, and gets down on one knee.)
CAPT. RED: "JUANA, although we've only known each other for 2 installments,
will you give me the pleasure of being my...Number One."
CAPT. BLUE: "But, she's already your First Officer."
CAPT. RED: "No, MORON! I'm asking her to MARRY me!" :)
COMM. JUANA: "Me?! Marry YOU?!" :)
CAPT. RED: "Yes, Commander. Make me whole. Be my wife."
COMM. JUANA: "Hmmmm...ok." :)
CAPT. RED: "Then you'll marry me?!"
COMM. JUANA: "Of course!"
CAPT. RED: "Joy!"
(RED then opens the box and places a small diamond ring on JUANA's finger)
COMM. JUANA: "Andy, you've made me the happiest FATHEAD in Apple Valley!" :)
CAPT. RED: "I know." :)
(JUANA hugs RED)
CAPT. BLUE: "Hmmmph...funny. He never gave ME a ring." :)
CAPT. RED: "D'oh!"
(Suddenly, another Starfleet officer approaches the group)
COMM. WOLFIE: "Are you Captain BLUE?"
CAPT. BLUE: "I sure hope so. I'm wearing his underwear." :)
COMM. WOLFIE: "Oh...hahaha...good one. I'm your new First Officer. Commander
Eric K. Wolfenstien. Everyone calls me WOLFIE."
CAPT. BLUE: "Glad to have you aboard, Commander."
COMM. WOLFIE: "Thank you, sir. The Fleet Admiral tells me that our ship is
ready and that it's been renamed."
CAPT. BLUE: "Really? To what?"
COMM. WOLFIE: "You're not going to like it, sir."
CAPT. BLUE: "Come on, tell me. I can take it."
COMM. WOLFIE: "Uh...okay. It's the USS...FEVER BLISTER." :)
CAPT. BLUE: :(
COMM. JUANA: "Hahahahaha! Er 'um...I'm so...haha...sorry. Aren't we sorry,
honey?" :)
CAPT. RED: "Hahahah...yes, *ahem*...quite...haha...sorry." :)
CAPT. BLUE (Looking at RED): "Like FATHEAD is any better!"
CAPT. RED: "I think you should have stuck with INCONTINENT." :)
COMM. WOLFIE: "ARCH says that it's not final yet. They're repainting the
ship now."
CAPT. BLUE: "Good! Maybe we can stop them! See ya later, kids!"
CAPT. RED & COMM. JUANA: "Bye, Ira!"
(CAPT. BLUE and COMM. WOLFIE go running down the corridor, as
RED and JUANA hold each other arm-in-arm.)
COMM. JUANA: "Poor Ira." :)
CAPT. RED: "Eh...he'll be okay. He can sue them to get the name changed." :)
COMM. JUANA: "This is true."
(Meanwhile...back on Fleagle, our 3 captives are less than eagerly
awaiting their execution. To pass the time, they've been telling
ghost stories.)
. .
.
. . OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO .
OOOOO \ ------------ OOOOO .
. OOO\ \ -------------- _/OOO
OOO _/ \ ------------ / OO
. . OOO / \ ----------- \ OOO
OO -- / / ------------ \ /OO .
OO --- \ _____/ -------------- \_____/ --OO
. . OO ------ \ / --------------------------------OO
OO -------- \ / ----------------------------------OO
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "...and there it was. The grotesque, misshapen head of the
cafeteria lady, sitting in the bin...WITH THE HAM PATTIES!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "AAAAUUUGGGHH!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "I'm not frightened you know."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Hmmph."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Oooo! I have an idea! Let's have a sing-a-long!"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "This is hardly the time, or the place." :(
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Sure it is! Want to join me, Russ?" 8)
LT. OVERDOSE: "Sure. I'll try anything once." :)
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Okay, here's one. Once upon a time, there was a little black
girl in the Brewster Projects of Detroit Michigan. At 15,
she was spotted by an Ebony Fashion Fair talent scout and
her modeling career took off!" 8)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Oh NO! NOT SUPERMODEL!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "You better work!" :)
(Suddenly, music starts playing and EINSTEIN and OVERDOSE begin dancing
around the dungeon. This of course causes the rats to scurry in a
frothing frenzy of fur toward our hero, CAPT. JELLYHEAD.)
COMM. EINSTEIN: "You better work!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Covergirl!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Work it girl!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Do a twirl!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Do your thing..."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD (Fighting off rats): "HELP!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "...on the runway! WORK!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "SUPERMODEL!
CAPT. JELLYHEAD (Still fighting off rats): "I BEG OF YOU! HELP!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Of the world!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Wet your lips...and make love to the camera!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "WORK!"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD (Covered with rats): "FOR GOD'S SAKE! STOP SINGING AND
HELP ME!"
(EINSTEIN and OVERDOSE stop their song and dance.)
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Should we help him?"
LT. OVERDOSE (Thinks it over for a second): "Nah." :)
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Third verse?" 8)
LT. OVERDOSE: "Let's." :)
(EINSTEIN and OVERDOSE resume their merrymaking)
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Linda!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Work it mama!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Naomi!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "She is FIERCE!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Christie!" 8)
LT. OVERDOSE: "Foxy Lady! Outta sight!" :)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD (Still fighting off rats): "AAAAAUUUGGGHHH!"
(Two hours later aboard the GOOMBOT)
_____.
_____________.--------. _____.
____. / _ _ .--------.~~-_
/ | | |_| | ____ | ~-_
/ |_| |_| | | | | ~-_ _____.
/ | `----' | ~-_
/===NCC-1313=======|========|======(>) ~-_
\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~~~~~~__-' _____.
___\ Goombot | | __--~~ _____.
\ `--------' __--~~ _____.
|~||~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~||~~---__ ____.
|_||___________________||__---~~'
_____. _____.
(TREKKER and Z are about three hours away from their destination.
Unfortunately, because of Z's uninterrupted chatter, the last 2 hours have
seemed like days.)
Z: "...so after the wedding, I walked up to the bride and said, 'You know, if
you didn't have that hard squinty look so common to carnival trash, you
could be a model!' Isn't that hilarious?!" 8)
TREKKER: "Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!"
Z: "Did I ever tell you about the time I misplaced the entire Deltivid
Asteroid belt? Oh wait, that wasn't me. That was Z! HA!" 8)
TREKKER: "DEAR LORD! Does your mouth EVER stop running?!"
Z: "Occasionally. Oooo! Look, now my nose is running too! See!" 8)
TREKKER: "ICK!"
Z: "Now that I'm human, will I lose control of ALL my bodily functions?" 8)
TREKKER (Passing Z a handkerchief): "God, I hope not."
Z: "Hmmm...that would be kind of interesting to watch. Profuse sweating,
foaming at the mouth, accelerated hair growth, pimples, oily skin,
dandruff, halitosis. And I can catch diseases now too!" 8)
TREKKER: "PLEASE SHUT UP!"
Z: "I could catch ring worm, tetter, psoriasis, body lice, chiggers, amoebic
dysintery, diptheria, TB, hepatitis..."
TREKKER: "Lockjaw..." :(
Z: "Hmmm...maybe I could contract kooky stuff like lyme disease. Then my
eyes would bug out! Or perhaps...OOF!"
(Z doubles over in pain)
TREKKER: "What's wrong with you now, Z?"
Z (With stomach growling): "All of a sudden...UGH! My stomach hurts...OOF!"
TREKKER: "Please, God. Let it be an ulcer."
Z: *GROAN* "This is intensely uncomfortable...EEP!"
TREKKER: "Maybe it was something you ate."
Z: "No, that's not it...OOP! I haven't eaten anything...ACK!"
TREKKER (Reaches into his bag for an apple): "THAT's the problem! You MORON,
you forgot to eat!"
Z: "Why in the Z would I want to do...UGH...that?"
TREKKER (Hands Z an apple): "Z, if you don't eat you'll...hmmm...on second
thought."
Z (Accepts the apple): "Thank you." 8) *CRUNCH*
TREKKER: "Eating is how we humans get our energy. Some of us do a better job
at eating than others, but nevertheless...wait a second! I've seen
you eat before! Why is it that all of a sudden, you've forgotten
about food?"
Z: "Well, I never NEEDED to eat before. I just used to imitate YOU guys.
You know, when in Rome." 8) *CRUNCH*
TREKKER: "Hmmmph. Hard to believe YOU would be trying to fit in."
Z: "You forget Jean-Luc, I've been hanging around you guys for a LONG time.
Unlike my brethren in the Continuum, I find your ape-like antics amusing."
8)
TREKKER: "Hmmph. Is that why you used to pester us all the time?"
Z: "Pester is such a harsh word. I like to think of it as Creative
Irritation. Besides, you humans are such a minor species in the whole
scheme of things. I thought you would appreciate the attentions of an
omnipotent such as myself." 8)
TREKKER: "Correction. That's FORMER omnipotent." :)
Z: "Well...yeah. *CRUNCH* Thanks again for the apple. I feel MUCH better
now." 8)
TREKKER: "Good. Now please, stop talking. We'll be there in a few hours,
and I'd like to practice my Tamarian before we get there."
Z: "Ok. I'll read some more of this newspaper."
TREKKER: "Thank you."
(TREKKER reaches into a compartment under his armrest
and pulls out an audio cassette. He then inserts the cassette into
the tape player in the dashboard.)
MARK OKRAND: "Hello. This is an instructional tape to help you brush up on
your Tamarian. It's a relatively easy language to learn, if you
put your mind to it. And now, to help you with sentence
structure, is the star of TV's Star Trek: The Next Generation,
Mr. Patrick Stewart!"
TREKKER: "Yay!" :)
PATRICK STEWART: "Our first 3 sentences today will convey a feeling of
gratification and sensuality. I'll say each sentence once,
and you will repeat it. Are you ready?"
TREKKER: "Yep!"
PATRICK STEWART: "Very well, here we go. LT. SVEN on the holodeck."
TREKKER: "LT. SVEN on the holodeck." :)
PATRICK STEWART: "LT. SVEN with Kathy Ireland."
TREKKER: "LT. SVEN with Kathy Ireland." :)
PATRICK STEWART: "LT. SVEN in his underwear, his arms held wide."
TREKKER: "LT. SVEN in his underwear, his arms held WIDE!" :)
Z (Reading the newspaper): "HEY! YOUR NAME IS DAVE?!"
TREKKER: "Hey! Your name is...excuse me?"
(TREKKER stops the cassette player)
Z: "I just read it here in the paper! Your real name is David Ezekiel
TREKKER!"
TREKKER: "Oh, that. I had my name changed when I was on the USS NAPLES."
Z: "Why you charlatan! I like that in a roommate! Continue your Tamarian.
I think I'm going to read Cathy." 8)
TREKKER (Restart the cassette player): "Alright then."
PATRICK STEWART: "Well done! Our next series of sentences will convey a
feeling of frustration and ultimate failure. Are you
ready?"
TREKKER: "Yep!"
PATRICK STEWART: "Good. Let's begin. "PODAR and EINSTEIN in the transporter
room."
TREKKER: "PODAR and EINSTEIN in the transporter room."
PATRICK STEWART: "PODAR and EINSTEIN in the Ready Room."
TREKKER: "PODAR and EINSTEIN in the Ready Room."
PATRICK STEWART: "EINSTEIN on the bridge, PODAR in the transporter room."
TREKKER: :)
(Meanwhile...back in the dungeon on Fleagle, EINSTEIN and OVERDOSE are
still singing and dancing while CAPT. JELLYHEAD is sitting in the corner,
covered from head to toe with rat bites.)
. .
.
. . OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO .
OOOOO \ ------------ OOOOO .
. OOO\ \ -------------- _/OOO
OOO _/ \ ------------ / OO
. . OOO / \ ----------- \ OOO
OO -- / / ------------ \ /OO .
OO --- \ _____/ -------------- \_____/ --OO
. . OO ------ \ / --------------------------------OO
OO -------- \ / ----------------------------------OO
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Latisha got a big ole butt!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Oh yeah!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Tawanda got a big ole butt!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Oh yeah!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Felisha got a big ole butt!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Oh yeah!"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "You guys are pathetic." :(
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Hmmm...JELLYHEAD got a big ole butt!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Oh yeah!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "TREKKER got a big ole butt!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Oh yeah!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "VENKMAN got a big ole butt!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Well, there's no denying that."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Uh...PODAR's got a big ole butt?"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Uh...noooo."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "We MUST get out of here. These rats are giving me the
creeps."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "They tend to do that, you know."
RAT: "Squeak-squeak!"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Hmmm...I have an idea! Let me borrow your communicators."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "What for?"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Well, in survival training, I saw a guy try to catch a
squirrel using his communicator."
LT. OVERDOSE: "Really? How'd he do that?"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "It's actually quite simple. The communicator has a hinge on
one side, so that you can open it to replace the power
supply, and well...the hinge has a spring on it. My idea is
that if we put a piece of food in the communicator and
trigger the lid so that it snaps shut when the food is taken,
we can eliminate this rat problem."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "But wait. Aren't these rats a BIT too big for that?"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Hey, live for the day I always say. It wouldn't hurt to try."
LT. OVERDOSE (Hands JELLYHEAD his communicator): "Ok, I'm game. Here you go."
COMM. EINSTEIN (Also handing over his communicator): "I guess I'll conform."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Great. Now I'll put a piece of this chocolate chip cookie
inside each communicator..."
LT. OVERDOSE: "Cookies!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Where'd you get those?"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "TREKKER had a stash of them in the secret compartment of his
desk. So, I swiped them." :)
COMM. EINSTEIN: 8(
LT. OVERDOSE: "Now, we WILL be able to get our communicators back when you're
done, won't we?"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Sure you will."
LT. OVERDOSE: "You promise?"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Would *I* lie?" :)
LT. OVERDOSE: :(
COMM. EINSTEIN: 8(
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Alright then. I'll just set these communicators on the floor
here, and see if the..."
(Suddenly, 2 rats come charging toward the communicators, they pause for a
second, look at each other, then they each swallow a communicator whole.)
LT. OVERDOSE: "THEY ATE OUR COMMUNICATORS!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "So I noticed." 8(
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "No bother, I still have mine." :)
RAT #1: "Squeak-squeak!"
RAT #2: "Squeak...BURP!" :)
(Suddenly, LT. DEEPLY contacts the way team)
LT. DEEPLY: "VAXERPRISE TO AWAY TEAM! We've fixed the transporter, and we're
beaming you up now!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "WAIT!"
LT. DEEPLY: "Energizing."
(At that, CAPT. JELLYHEAD, RAT #1 and RAT #2, vanish from the dungeon.)
COMM. EINSTEIN: "FRACK!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Uh...that was cute." :(
COMM. EINSTEIN: "I can't believe this! We were THIS close to being outta
here!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Well whose idea was it to give JELLYHEAD our communicators?!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "HIS!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Yeah, but YOU agreed to it!"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "I was just following your lead!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "You can't prove that."
COMM. EINSTEIN (Sits down and starts petting one of the rats): "Hmmmph."
LT. OVERDOSE: "Have I mentioned we're all going to die?" :(
COMM. EINSTEIN (Looking at the rat he's petting): "You know, when you take
a good look at these things,
they're actually kind of
cute."
LT. OVERDOSE: "ICK! If you don't get help with us, please...get help
somewhere."
(Meanwhile...in Transporter Room Sneezy)
LT. DEEPLY (Standing on the transporter console): "MICE! Eeeeeee!"
RAT #1: "Squeek-squeek!"
(RATS #1 and #2 jump off the transporter pad and scurry out the door.)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Actually, they're rats, Lieutenant."
LT. DEEPLY: "Gracious! What have I done?! I've turned EINSTEIN and OVERDOSE
into rats!" :(
CAPT. JELLYHEAD (Stepping off the transporter pad): "Don't give yourself that
much credit, Lieutenant.
They're still on the
planet."
LT. DEEPLY: "But I thought they were with you."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "They were. The rats ate their communicators."
LT. DEEPLY: "Then how are we going to rescue them?"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Ask me if I care. That's THEIR problem. I'm going to my
quarters to freshen up."
(JELLYHEAD leaves)
LT. DEEPLY: "Oh dear." :(
(Later...on a nearby asteroid)
OFFICER MINKOWSKI: "Do you realize how fast you were going?"
TREKKER: "Yes, and I was UNDER the speed limit the whole time!"
Z: "Actually, Dave, you DID creep up to Warp 5.3 for a while when you were
passing that herd of goats back there." 8)
TREKKER: "The name is Jean-Luc! And mind your own business, you!"
Z: 8)
OFFICER MINKOWSKI: "I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you a citation."
Z: "A Chevrolet Citation?" 8)
TREKKER: "No, lunkhead." :(
OFFICER MINKOWSKI (Handing TREKKER the citation): "We'll see you in court on
the 13th of the month."
TREKKER: "Again?!"
Z: *snicker* 8)
OFFICER MINKOWSKI: "Now go in peace, and keep it under c."
(The police officer leaves.)
TREKKER (Stares at his speeding ticket): "Hmmmph."
Z: "I TOLD you to slow down."
TREKKER: "Stow it, Z. We're in a hurry!"
Z: "Well, the 5 minutes you saved has been effectively nullified by the 30
minutes we've been detained by the officer."
TREKKER: "Why did I bring you on this trip?"
Z: "Uh...because I'm beautiful?" 8)
TREKKER: "Not bloody likely. Let's go." :(
(Later...back on the VAXERPRISE)
. . _________________________________=====___
__--__ \ ===<=USS VAXERPRISE = NCC-1313-A === /
_____________---______---____________ \_____________________________________/
\___________________________________/ / _/.
\______/ \_ .. : \ / _/
`--' \_ : \ / _/ .
,===------`______/ _/____
. | |_ .::. : |_/ |_\
| ==<=========-- :. ____/
: | | ___---- .
`-------------
. . OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO .
OOOOO \ ------------ OOOOO .
. OOO\ \ -------------- _/OOO
OOO _/ \ ------------ / OO
. . OOO / \ ----------- \ OOO
OO -- / / ------------ \ /OO .
OO --- \ _____/ -------------- \_____/ --OO
. . OO ------ \ / --------------------------------OO
OO -------- \ / ----------------------------------OO
(PERIGRINE, the refugee from Gignac IV, is sitting on the floor next to an
open turboshaft on Deck 8. He is talking to ENSIGN PODAR who's inside
working on the wiring for Turbolift MAUVE.)
PERIGRINE: "So, what's wrong with it?"
ENSIGN PODAR: "Its interaction circuit appears to be fried."
PERIGRINE: "Couldn't you just put in a new one?"
ENSIGN PODAR: "Well, it's not as easy as that. The chip can be replaced, but
the programs on the chip will have to be reloaded and
compiled."
PERIGRINE: "Sounds hard."
ENSIGN PODAR: "It's more time consuming than hard. But never to fear, I
should have the old girl up and running by the next shift
rotation." 8)
PERIGRINE: "Nifty! So, all these tube things are connected?"
ENSIGN PODAR: "Yep."
PERIGRINE: "And those turbolift cars are constantly moving through them,
right?"
ENSIGN PODAR: "You are correct, sir." 8)
PERIGRINE: "Then what's preventing a turbolift from trying to come to this
opening and slamming into the car you're working on?"
ENSIGN PODAR: "Oh...I turned off the connections to this line. Unfortunately,
that locks out all the turbolift ports on the starboard side of
Deck 8. That means that when anyone tries to get to this side,
the car will automatically deposit them on the opposite side of
the deck."
PERIGRINE: "Ah...and they'll have to walk all the way around to get here."
ENSIGN PODAR: "Exactly! You know, for a backwards outworlder, you're pretty
quick." 8)
PERIGRINE: "That's what LT. COMM. PYEWACKET tells me." :)
ENSIGN PODAR: "Oh...hand me that torque wrench, please."
PERIGRINE (Passing the wrench to PODAR): "Here you go."
ENSIGN PODAR: "Thanks."
(Suddenly, CAPT. JELLYHEAD comes marching down the corridor.)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Are you the one who's been holding up the turbolifts?"
ENSIGN PODAR (Stands and brushes off his uniform): "Yes sir. I'm performing
some repairs to the
system, and it requires
that I..."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Well stop what you're doing immediately, and get back to
work."
ENSIGN PODAR: "But...I AM working."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Well...do something else. You're tying up the whole system."
ENSIGN PODAR: "But, sir...if I stop, who's going to fix the turbolift?"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "What's one less turbolift? Their chatter is annoying
enough as it is."
ENSIGN PODAR: "But sir, if I don't repair this turbolift, it could cause
serious malfunctions in the system. Please...let me just..."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Look! Don't make me have to punch your lights out. Just
do as I say. Pack your stuff and be gone. I'll expect the
system to be back up in 5 minutes."
ENSIGN PODAR (Saluting smartly): "Yes, SIR!"
(CAPT. JELLYHEAD continues on to his quarters)
PERIGRINE: "Wow...that's too bad."
ENSIGN PODAR: "Eh...don't sweat it. I'll reconnect the drive mechanism and
have MAUVE sent to the holding bay. I can work on it after
I get off work."
PERIGRINE: "Cool! Can I come with?"
ENSIGN PODAR: "Well, I've never ridden in a turbolift car on its way to the
holding bay. But heck, I can live a little!" 8)
PERIGRINE: "Excellent!"
(PODAR closes the access panel in the side of the turboshaft, climbs off
the top of the turbolift car and steps into the main corridor.
He then enters a command on his handheld computer which causes the
turbolift to rise to door level. The inner doors open, and both
he and PERIGRINE step inside.)
ENSIGN PODAR: "And now...we open the control panel, flip the switch to on,
and..."
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "LEVEL PLEASE."
ENSIGN PODAR: "Turbolift holding bay. Slot number...15-J."
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "THANK YOU."
PERIGRINE: "Uh...what happened to the 'Please stand clear of the doors'
message?"
ENSIGN PODAR: "It's broken, remember?" 8)
PERIGRINE: "Oh yeah."
(At that, Turbolift MAUVE takes PODAR and PERIGRINE to the holding bay)
. . _________________________________=====___
__--__ \ ===<=USS VAXERPRISE = NCC-1313-A === /
_____________---______---____________ \_____________________________________/
\___________________________________/ / _/.
\______/ \_ .. : \ / _/
`--' \_ : \ / _/ .
,===------`______/ _/____
. | |_ .::. : |_/ |_\
| ==<=========-- :. ____/
: | | ___---- .
`-------------
. . OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO .
OOOOO \ ------------ OOOOO .
. OOO\ \ -------------- _/OOO
OOO _/ \ ------------ / OO
. . OOO / \ ----------- \ OOO
OO -- / / ------------ \ /OO .
OO --- \ _____/ -------------- \_____/ --OO
. . OO ------ \ / --------------------------------OO
OO -------- \ / ----------------------------------OO
(Later that same day, the USS BULLWINKLE arrives at Starbase #133,
where Rear Admiral SYZYGY has an appointment with Commodore VIVISECVI.)
_ _
/_\ _____ /_\
====\_/=====---------=====\_/====
. ||_____|_/___\_|_____|| .
. |_________|
. .--\ [|||] /---. .
.--------------\_---_/----------------.
__/ .. .. ___..___ .. .. \__
__/ / || \ \__ .
__/ ... ..: ... .:. | || | . . : . :. . . \__
__/ | || | \__
__/ ... .. ..: ... .. \___||___/ ... :.. . . ... \__
__/ :: \__
/____________________________________'`_____________________________________\
`---------------------------------------------------------------------------'
| [1] [2] [3] [4] |
. |______________________|
_/ \_
_/ ... ... ... ... \_
. / \
|.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. | .
| |
. `--------------------------------'
| |
| .. .. .. .. | . .
| |
| .. .. .. .. | .
| |
. | .. .. .. .. |
|______________| .
_/ \_
. / .. .. .. \
: | ... ... ... ... |
\_ _/
\________________/
| |
. |.. ..| .
|.. ..|
|______|
\____/
. | || .
| ||
^ |:
|
:
LT. COMM. GROGAN: "Starbase #133 says we're cleared for docking, sir."
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "Excellent. Notify Transporter Room #5 that Dr. CHRISTOS
and I will be beaming directly to VIVISECTVI's office."
LT. COMM. GROGAN: "Will do, sir."
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "SYZYGY to SICKBAY."
DR. CHRISTOS: "SICKBAY. CHRISTOS here."
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "Meet me in Transporter Room #5."
DR. CHRISTOS: "On my way, sir."
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "Number One, mind the store while I'm gone."
COMM. BILL: "Aye aye, Cap'n!" 8)
(Shifting our viewpoint back to Fleagle...TREKKER and Z are
making their final approach.)
. ______________
: / ____________ \ . .
. / / NCC-1313 \ \
/ / 08 \ \
/ / Goombot \ \ .
. /=/ .---. .---. \=\
\~\ |-O-| |-O-| /~/
\ \ `---' `---' / / .
. \ `--------------' /
/~~~\------------/~~~\
\___/ \___/
. .
.
. . OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO .
OOOOO \ ------------ OOOOO .
. OOO\ \ -------------- _/OOO
OOO _/ \ ------------ / OO
. . OOO / \ ----------- \ OOO
OO -- / / ------------ \ /OO .
OO --- \ _____/ -------------- \_____/ --OO
. . OO ------ \ / --------------------------------OO
OO -------- \ / ----------------------------------OO
Z: "We're secured from warp speed, sire!" 8)
TREKKER: "Very well. Patch me into ground control."
Z: "Patched in, sir." 8)
TREKKER: "Ground Control, Flight 408 at O'Hare."
GROUND CONTROLLER: "The Tydirium at Endor. Its clearance forged."
TREKKER: "Darth Vader and The Emperor, on the Tydirium."
GROUND CONTROLLER: "The Tydirium lands on Endor."
TREKKER: "Chewbacca and Han, with smilies unfurled. You may now close the
channel, Z." :)
Z: "Channel closed." 8)
TREKKER: "Thank you."
Z: "You're welcome. You handled yourself pretty well."
TREKKER: "Hey, the tapes work."
Z: "So...which one am I, Chewbacca or Han?" 8)
TREKKER: "Just land the shuttle, Fuzzball. We don't have much time."
Z: *ROAR* 8)
(As The GOOMBOT proceeds to land on Fleagle, EINSTEIN and OVERDOSE are
about to be led out for execution.)
LT. OVERDOSE: "Nooobody knows, the trouble I've seen. Nooobody knows my
sorrow." :(
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Nooobody knows, the trouble I've seen. Nooobody knows but
Jesus." 8(
(Suddenly, H. ROSS PEROT appears at the door)
H. ROSS PEROT: "Howdy, fellas! I'm here to escort you to your execution."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Uh...really?"
H. ROSS PEROT (Unlocking dungeon door): "Yep. Actually, I'm officiatin' as
well. You see, I'm the only person
on the council of elders who can
translate Tamarian into English
without havin' to use one of them
dictionary things. Take a look at
this graph here..."
(H. ROSS PEROT pulls out a pie chart)
LT. OVERDOSE: "Oooo...nice graphs."
H. ROSS PEROT: "Thank you. I did it usin' Quattro. Anyway, back to what I
was sayin'. If you take a look at this graph, you'll see that
the deficit has been neglected for FAR too long! I believe
it's time for us to get up and DO somethin' about this!
The people need a government that will roll WITH them, not
OVER them. And that's why I'm here. I've been requested by
the people to take charge of this fiasco and tell those pac
money grubbin' sons of...well...you get the picture. Tell
those...legislators in Washington just what they can go do
with themselves. You know, just the other day, I was tellin'
Margot about..."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Uh...Mr. Perot?"
H. ROSS PEROT: "Yes, son?"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Our execution?"
H. ROSS PEROT: "Oh yes, you're absolutely right! Sorry, sometimes my mouth is
is like a wheelbarrel rollin' downhill. Once it gets goin',
it's hard to stop. Come on, let's go." :)
(At that, EINSTEIN and OVERDOSE are led to the courtyard by H. ROSS PEROT.)
. ___ ___ .
|_|_| __---__ |_|_|
___\_/_____---_______---_____\_/___
\_________________________________/
\\_ \_______/ _// .
. \\_ `---' _//
\\..-|_|-..//
. . `/ .---. \' .
| | o | |
\ `___' /
`-----'
(Meanwhile...in Cindy's Bar and Grill, a group of crew members have gathered
around the viewscreen behind the bar, to watch the execution of EINSTEIN
and OVERDOSE.)
LT. FABBABE: "This is so pathetic. They did nothing wrong!"
LT. SIREN: "I can't believe they're being executed."
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "I can." :)
LT. FABBABE: "Hmmmph...well if you ask me, Amnesty Intergalactic is going to
hear about THIS!"
ENSIGN MOZART: "Shhh! I can't hear what Bernard is saying."
ROMANTIC: "I'll turn up the volume a bit."
BERNARD SHAW IV: "...the executees should be emerging shortly. Ah! There
they are. They're being escorted by H. ROSS PEROT, and...
wait a minute. Someone is missing. Hmmm...apparently,
the Captain of the VAXERPRISE has failed to appear for
his execution. I wonder what happened to him? Let's
ask Mr. PEROT. Uh...Mr. Perot, GNN Headline News here.
We'd like to ask you a few questions."
H. ROSS PEROT (Walking by): "No comment."
DR. DOC: "Why that *IS* H. ROSS PEROT!"
ENSIGN HOBBES: "What's HE doing there?"
ENSIGN RASHEED: "Something dealing with college work study, I think." 8)
ENSIGN MOZART: "Uh...and where's JELLYHEAD?"
ROMANTIC (Polishing glasses): "Heh...don't ask me. I just work here."
ENSIGN MOZART: "Hmmm...Belgie, have you heard anything about him?"
BELGARATH (Holding a glass of Figgy Fizz): "Drop dead, you failure." :(
(Suddenly, CAPT. JELLYHEAD walks in)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Greetings, fellow crewmates! What are all the long faces
for?"
LT. FABBABE: "Why are YOU here?"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Well, if you'd read the first installment of VAXTREK 9,
you'd know that I've been assigned here as your new
Captain. Certainly, you aren't THAT incompetent."
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "No, dufus! She means, why aren't you on the planet being
killed."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "EXCUSE ME?! I'm your commanding officer and I will NOT be
called a dufus!"
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "Yes, sir. I was way out of line."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "That's better." :)
LT. COMM. MIBSTER: "Heh...NOT!"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: :(
DR. DOC: "Why ARE you up here? And why aren't EINSTEIN and OVERDOSE with
you?"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Look, Doctor. I don't have time to be the babysitter for
those rugrats. I have more important things to worry about.
I can always get another First Officer, and Navigators are
a dime-a-dozen."
LT. FABBABE: "Dang you're cold blooded."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Who cares?! I'm not being paid the big bucks to worry about
about some dead scientist and his drugged out friend. I'm
going up to my Ready Room."
LT. FABBABE: "Don't trip on your ego on the way up there."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "WHAT?!"
LT. FABBABE: "You heard me!"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "I DON'T THINK I LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE MISSY! YOU'RE FIRED!"
ENSIGN MOZART: "Hey! You can't fire her! She's a girl!"
ENSIGN RASHEED: "Huh?"
ENSIGN MOZART: "She has rights, ya know!"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Ah! So...you're all going to turn against me...eh? THEN
YOU'RE ALL FIRED! BE OFF THE SHIP BY 17:00 HOURS!"
MOZART: "D'oh!"
(CAPT. JELLYHEAD grabs a glass of Figgy Fizz, chugs it down, and storms out
of Cindy's Bar and Grill. As he leaves, he encounters LT. BIGAL
who is now one of the doors to the aforementioned bar.)
BIGAL THE DOOR: "Hi! I'm a door!"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "SHUT UP!"
(CAPT. JELLYHEAD leaves, and BIGAL closes)
MIBSTER: "Smooth move, Ex-Lax. Now what are we going to do." :(
MOZART: 8(
DOC: "I guess we're going to have to find other jobs."
SIREN: "But what am I going to do? I have no skills!"
RASHEED: "You could give back rubs."
SIREN: "Uh...I don't think that's a viable option."
BELGARATH: "Gee, I've been fired, twice in as many days. I can barely stand
the excitement." :(
FABBABE: "Excuse me, I have a letter to write."
(FABBABE leaves)
HOBBES: "Hmmm...anybody wanna go bowling?"
RASHEED: "What else are we going to do?"
SIREN: "We COULD finish watching EINSTEIN and OVERDOSE's execution."
HOBBES: "Hmmm...I don't know. After that little scene back there, it kind of
ruins the mood."
(Meanwhile...down on the planet.)
. .
.
. . OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO .
OOOOO \ ------------ OOOOO .
. OOO\ \ -------------- _/OOO
OOO _/ \ ------------ / OO
. . OOO / \ ----------- \ OOO
OO -- / / ------------ \ /OO .
OO --- \ _____/ -------------- \_____/ --OO
. . OO ------ \ / --------------------------------OO
OO -------- \ / ----------------------------------OO
(It's just minutes before sunrise, and Z and TREKKER have landed the GOOMBOT
in a clearing just outside of town. They are currently roaming the streets
pushing a large wooden cart.)
TREKKER: "So, you never told me what the cart was for."
Z: "Well, we're going to need it to carry stuff in."
TREKKER: "Stuff? What stuff?"
Z: "Ok...well, remember how I did some research on our friend, Q'oach MONGO."
TREKKER: "Yah."
Z: "Well, I found out that he likes to grow mushrooms. They're the only
things he eats. Kind of like you and Chocolate Chip Cookies." 8)
TREKKER: "Ok, so far so good. Now, how does this involve us?"
Z: "Well...the only way we can get onto the grounds of the palace is if we're
delivery men."
TREKKER: "Delivery men? That's not so tough."
Z: "Well, I haven't told you what we were delivering yet."
TREKKER: "Oh no. Not mushroom food." :(
Z: "Yep!" 8)
TREKKER: "DUNG! YOU HAVE US DELIVERING DUNG?!"
Z: "Well, it was the only way we could get beyond the gate without clearance.
And it's not DUNG. Think of it as...nature's happy by-product." 8)
TREKKER: "It's DUNG." :(
Z: "Come on, Dave. Give it the old college try!" 8)
TREKKER: "I'm NOT delivering DUNG! And stop calling me DAVE! The name is
Jean-Luc. Jean-Luc TREKKER! Got that?!"
Z: "Dave. Dave. Dave-Dave-Dave-Dave-Dave." 8)
TREKKER: "I REALLY oughta pop you." :(
Z: "You've been saying that for years. Come on, there's a guy near the palace
who has 500 pounds of mushroom food for us."
TREKKER: "Hmmph. May I ask what you offered in exchange for this mushroom
food?"
Z: "Uh...how does one slightly used shuttlecraft sound?" 8)
TREKKER: "YOU TRADED OUR TRANSPORTATION FOR 500 POUNDS OF DUNG! WHAT ARE YOU,
INSANE?!"
Z: "Well...yeah." 8)
(Meanwhile...back on the VAXERPRISE, LT. DEEPLY and ENSIGN PODAR are
having a discussion in Transporter Room Sneezy.)
ENSIGN PODAR: "Rats, eh?"
LT. DEEPLY: "Yep, big UGLY ones, too."
ENSIGN PODAR: "So where are Jeff and Russ?"
LT. DEEPLY: "They're still on the...OH MY GOSH!"
ENSIGN PODAR: "What?!"
LT. DEEPLY: "They're about to be executed!"
ENSIGN PODAR: "What time is it down there?"
LT. DEEPLY: "EEEP! It's almost 6 am!"
ENSIGN PODAR: "Uh...gotta go."
LT. DEEPLY: "Want me to beam you down?"
ENSIGN PODAR (Running out the door): "Nope...I have a better idea!"
(Meanwhile...back on the planet, the execution is about to begin, and
H. ROSS PEROT is officiating. For ease of reading, we have decided to
directly translate H. ROSS PEROT's Tamarian into English. Enjoy!)
H. ROSS PEROT: "Ladies and Gentlemen! We are gathered here today, for the
execution of these two malefactors. They have single handedly
plunged our planet into a state of unrest, and we're NOT going
to take it anymore!"
(At that same moment, at the gate to Q'oach MONGO's palace.)
TREKKER: "Hello, we would like to see Q'oach MONGO."
PALACE GUARD: "His Q'oachitude isn't here right now. He's watching the
execution of the bogus hippy dudes from outer space."
Z: "Oh dear, I'm afraid this would happen."
TREKKER: "Hey, you don't speak Tamarian."
PALACE GUARD: "Dude, I'm a polyglot."
TREKKER: "Fascinating. So why the Surfer Speak?"
PALACE GUARD: "You ever watch Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure?"
Z: "I saw Pee Wee's Big Adventure!" 8)
TREKKER: "Hush, Z. I saw it once. It was ok."
PALACE GUARD: "Well, the Q'oach really digs that movie, and he kinda
forces everyone to watch it once a week. Consequently,
it's become a part of our culture."
Z: "Bitchin'!" 8)
TREKKER: "Hmmm...I'll remember that. So...where are they holding the
execution?"
PALACE GUARD: "Don't ask me, dude. I'm just hangin' here till my old lady
gets off work. You could try checkin' out the plaza."
TREKKER: "Very well, then. Z, to the plaza!"
Z: "Uh...what do we do about the DUNG?" 8)
TREKKER: "Just leave it! Hurry, we're losing precious time!"
Z: "Right behind ya, Dave!"
TREKKER: >:(
PALACE GUARD: "Later dudes!"
(TREKKER and Z run lickety split to the town plaza.)
PALACE GUARD: "Excellent." :)
(Shifting our viewpoint back to the VAXERPRISE, ENSIGN PODAR, after having
stopped off at his quarters to change into his dress uniform and pick up
some sunglasses, is anxiously awaiting the arrival of Turbolift CORAL.)
ENSIGN PODAR: "Come on, come on!"
(Suddenly, the turbolift doors open, and PODAR jumps inside.)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "LEVEL PLEASE."
ENSIGN PODAR: "KIWI FRUIT!"
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "THANK YOU. PLEASE STAND CLEAR OF THE DOORS. POR FAVOR
MANTENGANSE ALEJADOS DE LAS PUERTAS."
(The doors close, and the turbolift begins to move upward)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "TO ALL OUR NEW PASSENGERS, SALUD! WELCOME TO TURBOLIFT
CORAL. WE ARE TRAVELING UPWARD AT A SPEED OF ROUGHLY
5 METERS PER SECOND EN ROUTE TO THE KIWI FRUIT DECK."
(PODAR then opens the access panel in the wall near the door, pulls out one
of the cables, and plugs it into his handheld computer. Upon doing this, the
turbolift brakes in order to stop on Deck 10.)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "WE ARE NOW STOPPING. PLEASE REMAIN STATIONARY UNTIL
THE TURBOLIFT HAS COME TO A COMPLETE STOP. IF YOU ARE
DISEMBARKING, THANK YOU FOR USING VITS: THE VAXERPRISE
INTRASHIP TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM."
(The doors open, and MOZART, MIBSTER, HOBBES and RASHEED try to enter.)
HOBBES: "Skippy! HUGS!"
(HOBBES hugs ENSIGN PODAR)
ENSIGN PODAR: "Thanks, but you guys can't ride on this one. I'm taking it
on a bit of a journey." 8)
RASHEED: "Cool! Where?!"
ENSIGN PODAR: "I don't have time to explain, just make sure everyone's out
of Ten Forward, okay?"
MOZART: "Will do."
MIBSTER: "Uh...why the dress uniform?"
ENSIGN PODAR: "I'll explain later! See ya when I get back!" 8)
HOBBES: "Ok...laterness!" 8)
(The doors of the turbolift close.)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "LEVEL PLEASE."
ENSIGN PODAR: "Override...clearance RB-211."
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "ACCESS DENIED, PLEASE RE-ENTER."
ENSIGN PODAR: "Whoops. I meant, Override...clearance JT-8D."
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "CLEARANCE GRANTED."
(Ensign PODAR then sets the controls which will prevent any turbolift cars
from entering the tube he's occupying. He then sets the car's linear induction
motors to full acceleration, and disables the braking mechanism.)
ENSIGN PODAR: "Computer, increase inertial damping field to full."
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "WORKING."
ENSIGN PODAR: "PODAR to DEEPLY."
LT. DEEPLY: "DEEPLY here. What's up?"
ENSIGN PODAR: "Be a dear and run to Cargo Bay #2, and lock onto Turbolift
CORAL for me."
LT. DEEPLY: "Boy, are YOU in luck. I'm already in Cargo Bay #2. I'll lock
on to your signal."
ENSIGN PODAR: "Thanks. I'll be moving pretty fast, so keep track of me."
LT. DEEPLY: "Ok. May I ask what your doing?"
ENSIGN PODAR: "No...but I can tell you this much. I'm doing something that's
going to get me into a LOT of trouble. I'll talk later."
LT. DEEPLY: "Ok, DEEPLY out."
(Meanwhile... MOZART, MIBSTER, HOBBES, and RASHEED are approaching the
entrance to Cindy's Bar and Grill)
BIGAL THE DOOR: "Hi! I'm a door!" :)
HOBBES: "Yeah, we know. Open up."
(BIGAL opens)
HOBBES: "ATTENTION DWEEBS! THERE'S A PARTY AT THE BOWLING ALLEY! FREE
CUPCAKES FOR THE FIRST 5 PEOPLE THERE!"
(Suddenly, everyone stampedes from Ten Forward.)
RASHEED: "Wow! That was effective."
HOBBES: "What do you expect? They're greedy." 8)
BIGAL THE DOOR: "Hi! I'm a door!"
MIBSTER: "Shut up, butthead."
(Meanwhile, down on the planet, TREKKER and his trusty sidekick, Z
have arrived at the central courtyard in the town plaza.)
TREKKER: "Cripes! We're too late!"
Z: "Wait, I see Q'oach MONGO!"
(Z and TREKKER push their way through the crowd.)
TREKKER: "Q'oach MONGO! Q'oach MONGO!"
Z: "Excuse me...pardon me....ouch...sorry about that, lady."
TREKKER: "Q'oach MONGO!"
(Q'oach MONGO notices TREKKER approaching him and turns around to address him.)
Q'OACH MONGO: "Bill and Ted at the Circle K."
TREKKER: "Bill and Ted in the phone booth."
Q'OACH MONGO: "Bill and Ted in History class. Their grades, dropping."
TREKKER: "Bill and Ted at the police station."
Q'OACH MONGO: "Bill and Ted, late for their presentation?"
TREKKER: "Bill and Ted in the long tunnel. They meet the ancient ones."
Q'OACH MONGO: "Ah...MONGO, with smile unfurled." :)
TREKKER; "Heh-heh...TREKKER, with hands outstretched."
Z: "I think I'm going to throw up." 8(
(Shifting our viewpoint back to Turbolift CORAL)
ENSIGN PODAR: "Computer, what is the compliment of Ten Forward?"
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "TEN FORWARD IS EMPTY."
ENSIGN PODAR: "Good. Seal pressure bulkheads in sections J-14, 15, and 16."
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "PRESSURE BULKHEADS HAVE BEEN SEALED."
(ENSIGN PODAR continues to enter commands into his handheld computer.)
*Beep-beep*
LT. COMM. PALLAS: "PALLAS to PODAR. Why are the pressure bulkheads sealing on
Deck 10?"
ENSIGN PODAR: "It's a surprise. PODAR out."
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "WARNING. DISABLING THE BRAKING SYSTEM IS NOT ADVISED."
ENSIGN PODAR: "Hey! I overrode that!"
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "WHOOPS. SO SORRY. I MUST HAVE READ THE WRONG LINE.
NEVERMIND."
ENSIGN PODAR: "Wonderful. Ok CORAL, here we go."
(PODAR presses one last button and the Turbolift doors open again.)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "LEVEL PLEASE."
ENSIGN PODAR (Putting on his sunglasses): "Cindy's Bar and Grill."
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "THANK YOU. PLEASE STAND CLEAR OF THE DOORS. POR FAVOR
MANTENGANSE ALEJADOS DE LAS PUERTAS."
(As the doors close, PODAR promptly sits on the floor and braces himself
along the left wall. Then, like a shot from a gun, the turbolift rockets
sideways down the turboshaft.)
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "TO ALL OUR NEW PASSENGERS, GREAT SCOTT! DO YOU REALIZE
HOW INCREDIBLY FAST WE'RE GOING?! WE'RE TRAVELING AT A
SPEED IN EXCESS OF 60 METERS PER SEC...65 METERS...70...
75...80...UGH! I THINK I'M GOING TO FAINT."
ENSIGN PODAR: "Oh boy...this better work."
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER: "86...87...88 METERS PER SECOND! MARTY!"
(At that, Turbolift CORAL comes bursting out of the wall behind Ten Forward,
through the wall behind the bar, then it goes crashing out the large plate
glass windows at the front of the ship. The explosive decompression
causes all of the furniture, glasses, party hats, napkins, TV Dinners,
tin cans, et cetera to go gushing into space.)
ENSIGN PODAR: "Yeeeehaaa!" 8)
(Shifting our viewpoint to the bridge)
LT. COMM. ACKER: "What in the heck was that?!"
LT. COMM. PYEWACKET: "Hold on...let me check."
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "WARNING. OUTER HULL BREACH."
LT. COMM. ACKER: "Uh...nevermind."
LT. COMM. PYEWACKET: "Jumpin' Jehosphat! According to my monitor, a turbolift
just went sailing out the front of the VAXERPRISE."
LT. COMM. ACKER: "Through Ten Forward?"
LT. COMM. PYEWACKET: "Yep."
LT. COMM. ACKER: "Cool!"
LT. COMM. PYEWACKET: "Its trajectory is taking it down toward the planet's
surface."
LT. COMM. ACKER: "Where do you think it'll land?"
LT. COMM. PYEWACKET: "I'm not sure, but it looks like it's headed toward the
Fleaglean capital."
LT. COMM. ACKER: "Wow."
(Shifting our viewpoint back to the execution)
. . _________________________________=====___
__--__ \ ===<=USS VAXERPRISE = NCC-1313-A === /
_____________---______---____________ \_____________________________________/
\___________________________________/ / _/.
\______/ \_ .. : \ / _/
`--' \_ : \ / _/ .
,===------`______/ _/____
. | |_ .::. : |_/ |_\
| ==<=========-- :. ____/
: | | ___---- .
`-------------
. . OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO .
OOOOO \ ------------ OOOOO .
. OOO\ \ -------------- _/OOO
OOO _/ \ ------------ / OO
. . OOO / \ ----------- \ OOO
OO -- / / ------------ \ /OO .
OO --- \ _____/ -------------- \_____/ --OO
. . OO ------ \ / --------------------------------OO
OO -------- \ / ----------------------------------OO
H. ROSS PEROT: "Do the accused have any last requests?"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Yes, we heard you serve a wonderful red wine with your
Beef Stroganoff. Would it be troubling you too much to
request that we sample some of your wares?"
H. ROSS PEROT: "No...not at all. Of course, we'll have to put a drop of
Hemlock in each glass." :)
LT. OVERDOSE: "Hey!"
H. ROSS PEROT: "Oh...didn't they tell ya? We're goin' to poison you."
LT. OVERDOSE: "Way to go, Jeff." :(
COMM. EINSTEIN: 8(
(A burly gentleman wearing a black hood steps up on the platform next to
EINSTEIN and OVERDOSE, and gives them each a glass of wine.)
LT. OVERDOSE: "But wait...I don't drink!"
H. ROSS PEROT: "There's always a first time...and a last time. Now drink up."
(At that, Q'oach MONGO approaches the center of the plaza with
Z and TREKKER in attendance.)
LT. OVERDOSE: "Hey Jeff! It's Captain...er I mean Admiral...er I mean, hey
it's Jean-Luc!" :)
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Don't you mean Dave?"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Whatever."
Q'OACH MONGO (Addresses LT. OVERDOSE): "Bill and Ted at the Circle K."
LT. OVERDOSE: "Oh no, not again."
Q'OACH MONGO: "Bill and Ted in the phone booth."
H. ROSS PEROT: "Answer him, boy! Or you're dead."
TREKKER (whispering to himself): "Come on Russ, you can do it. Bill and Ted
in History Class."
LT. OVERDOSE: "Uh...The Toxic Avenger at Nuke 'Em High?"
TREKKER: :(
Q'OACH MONGO (Addresses COMM. EINSTEIN): "Grrrr! Bill and Ted at Circle K."
TREKKER: "Come on, Number one...you can do it. Bill and Ted in History
Class."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Oh boy. Uh...Bill and Ted...at K Mart?"
Q'OACH MONGO: "GRRRR!!!! Bill and Ted FAIL HISTORY!"
LT. OVERDOSE: *sigh* "We're dead." :(
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Again." 8(
TREKKER: "Cripes! What are we going to do, Z?"
Z: "Well...I hadn't thought THAT far ahead. How about if we run into the
woods?!"
TREKKER: "Wh?"
(Suddenly, a high pitched whistling sound is heard from above the crowd.)
TREKKER: "What is that?"
Z: "Uh...it LOOKS like a box."
TREKKER: "A box, falling from the sky?"
Z: "Hey! You asked me what it looked like!"
TREKKER: "Hmmm...don't look now, but it's headed this way."
Z: "Holy guacamole! Me thinks it's headed for herr burgermeister."
(Z's keen eyesight has alerted him to the fact that Turbolift CORAL is headed
directly for Q'oach MONGO. He now wrestles with the question of whether to
push the monarch out of the way, or let the poor man get squished.
Let's watch and see what happens, shall we?)
Z: "Oh...what the heck. You only live once. GERONIMO!"
(Z lunges toward Q'oach MONGO and pushes him aside. Unfortunately, Z
doesn't get out of the way in time.)
TREKKER: "Z! LOOK OUT!"
*SQUISH*
(Turbolift CORAL lands on Z, crushing him flat, and horrifying the
Fleaglean onlookers.)
LT. OVERDOSE: "Eeew. THAT's going to leave a mark."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Hey! That's a turbolift! How did it get here?"
LT. OVERDOSE: "It obviously fell."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "From the VAXERPRISE? How?"
(At that...the doors on Turbolift CORAL open and ENSIGN PODAR steps out
wearing his dress uniform and a pair of sunglasses. Much to Q'oach
MONGO's delight, PODAR looks remarkably like Rufus from Bill and Ted's
Excellent Adventure.)
ENSIGN PODAR: "Greetings, oh excellent one." 8)
Q'OACH MONGO: "Rufus and the phone booth at Fleagle!"
ENSIGN PODAR: "Exactly. Uh...Bill and Ted, you're with me."
LT. OVERDOSE: "You don't have to tell ME twice." :)
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Hahaha...this is great." 8)
(With the crowd still in shock, EINSTEIN and OVERDOSE are able to
dash inside the open turbolift.)
ENSIGN PODAR: "Q'oach MONGO, people of Fleagle...be excellent to each other."
8)
(PODAR steps inside the open Turbolift and closes the door. We now shift
our viewpoint to within Turbolift CORAL.)
LT. OVERDOSE: "How'd you do this?!"
ENSIGN PODAR: "Plastics!" 8)
COMM. EINSTEIN: "You're going to get into BIG trouble you know."
ENSIGN PODAR: "Hey...anything for my buds." 8)
COMM. EINSTEIN: 8)
LT. OVERDOSE: :)
ENSIGN PODAR (Taking off his sunglasses): "PODAR to DEEPLY, you still locked
on to me?"
LT. DEEPLY: "Yep...solid as a rock."
ENSIGN PODAR: "Perfect! Energize." 8)
(At that...the turbolift vanishes, leaving the crowd in awe.)
Q'OACH MONGO: "Excellent!"
TREKKER: "Bill, Ted, and Rufus...in the phone booth."
Q'OACH MONGO: "Bill and Ted in the future." :)
TREKKER: "Bill and Ted in the past." :)
Q'OACH MONGO: "Bill and Ted PASS History!"
TREKKER: "Yay!" :)
(Suddenly...G appears and time stops.)
*FWOOSH*
G: "What in the...oh my gosh. Z, is that you?"
Z: "Yes...it's me. I'm dead aren't I?" 8(
G: "Pretty much. But I have good news for you." 8)
Z: "Well, heck...I'm dead. The news can't get much worse." 8(
G: "We were monitoring you and we saw what you've been doing for the last few
days."
Z: "Really? Oh my...you didn't see me washing TREKKER's car, did you?"
G: "Yes. But we also saw how you made his life miserable. And we in the
Continuum liked that. We found it very amusing." 8)
Z: "Why thank you. I aims to please!" 8)
G: "Not only that, but your selfless act of pushing the monarch out of the
way...that was high drama."
Z: "Hey...I'm a pro!" 8)
G: "That's why the Continuum has authorized me to grant you your powers back."
Z: "YAY!"
G: "On one condition!"
Z: "What?"
G: "You have to be more like us. We know that you like humans, but try not
to show it so much. Be assertive, be confrontational, be...spunky!"
Z: "Yeah...I seem to have lost my spunky edge, haven't I?"
G: "Yep."
Z: "Ok...I'll be more...spunky."
G: "Thanks. I hereby grant you the return of your powers."
*FWOOSH*
Z: "Oh happy day!" 8)
G: "See ya!" *FWOOSH*
(G vanishes and time is restored)
TREKKER: "Z! We thought you were dead!"
Z: "Ah...tut-tut! Thou canst killest off a member of the Z, THAT easily!"
*FWOOSH*
(Z appears behind TREKKER)
Z: "Boo!"
TREKKER: "AAAAUUGGGH!"
Z: "Surprise!" 8)
TREKKER: "Let me guess? You have your powers back?" :(
Z: "Yep! And I'm going to be more evil than ever!" 8)
TREKKER: "Joy." :(
H. ROSS PEROT: "Sir, allow me to shake your hand."
TREKKER: "Pardon me?"
H. ROSS PEROT: "You're the first outworlder who's made Q'oach MONGO happy.
Look at him. He'll be smiling like that for WEEKS!"
Q'OACH MONGO: :)
H. ROSS PEROT: "Anyway, I want to be the first to thank you. What's your
name again?"
TREKKER: "Uh...TREKKER. Jean-Luc TREKKER."
H. ROSS PEROT: "Ah...you're the guy who got court-martialed in the last
installment!"
TREKKER: "Geeze! Did everybody read about that?!"
H. ROSS PEROT: "Yep. Anyway, I'll see that your superiors hear about the
wonderful job you did here."
TREKKER: "Thank you, Mr. PEROT!" :)
H. ROSS PEROT: "Hey...united we stand." :)
(H. ROSS PEROT leaves the platform, and Q'oach MONGO leads the crowd in
a rousing rendition of...I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing.)
Q'OACH MONGO: "Oh...I'd like to teach the world to sing...in perfect harmony!"
*FWOOSH*
Z (Passes TREKKER a bottle): "Here, hand this to MONGO."
TREKKER: "Why?"
Z: "Don't ask why. Just do it."
TREKKER: "But...when?"
Z: "You'll know when. Just trust me." 8)
Q'OACH MONGO: "...I'd like to buy the world a drink, and keep it company!"
TREKKER (Interjecting as he hands MONGO the bottle): "Have a Figgy Fizz!"
Q'OACH MONGO (Opening the bottle, and taking a drink): "Hmmmm..." :)
Z: "See what'd I tell ya. Your stock will go up a thousand fold. The
way these guys imitate, heck, I'd be surprised if they didn't shave their
heads and wear a cheap toupee, just to look more like you." 8)
TREKKER: "Oh, be quiet. I'm enjoying this." :)
Q'OACH MONGO: "Oh...I'd like to teach the world to sing...in perfect harmony!
I'd like to buy the world a drink, and keep it company! Have
a Figgy Fizz!"
TREKKER: 8)
(One hour later...on Starbase #133)
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:
COMMODORE VIVISECTVI: "Thank you, Mr. PEROT. I'll get right on that."
(VIVISECVI turns off his desk top monitor.)
COMMODORE VIVISECTVI: "Mrs. McGillicuddy, could you please send REAR
ADMIRAL SYZYGY in here again."
MRS. MCGILLICUDDY: "Right away, Commodore."
(SYZYGY enters)
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "So...you wanted to see me?"
COMMODORE VIVISECTVI: "Yes. It looks like TREKKER's going to be reinstated."
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "WHAT?!"
COMMODORE VIVISECTVI: "Yep. It looks like he performed quite a substantial
errand of mercy a little while ago, and the government
was so pleased that they requested that he be
reinstated."
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "BUT! WHAT ABOUT THE CHARGES!"
COMMODORE VIVISECTVI: "They're being dropped. Heck Mike, they were trumped
up anyway! It's a miracle they stuck at all."
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "Hmmmph. When I see TREKKER again, so help me I'll..."
COMMODORE VIVISECTVI: "Uh...I wouldn't be making any long range plans if I
were you. It's inevitable that news of your
involvement in all of this will get back to TREKKER.
And since he outranks you, for YOUR sake, I hope he's
forgiving."
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "AAAUUUGGHH! THAT...SLIME!"
COMMODORE VIVISECTVI: "Anyway...that's all I wanted to tell you. You're
free to go. The Fleet Admiral will be giving you
your assignment sometime tomorrow."
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "Oh alright. I'll see ya around."
COMMODORE VIVISECTVI: "Goodbye."
(SYZYGY leaves VIVISECTVI's office)
COMMODORE VIVISECTVI: "Mrs. McGillicuddy, contact Fleet Admiral ARCH for me,
please."
MRS. MCGILLICUDDY: "Yes, sir."
(The next day on the VAXERPRISE)
. . _________________________________=====___
__--__ \ ===<=USS VAXERPRISE = NCC-1313-A === /
_____________---______---____________ \_____________________________________/
\___________________________________/ / _/.
\______/ \_ .. : \ / _/
`--' \_ : \ / _/ .
,===------`______/ _/____
. | |_ .::. : |_/ |_\
| ==<=========-- :. ____/
: | | ___---- .
`-------------
. . OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO .
OOOOO \ ------------ OOOOO .
. OOO\ \ -------------- _/OOO
OOO _/ \ ------------ / OO
. . OOO / \ ----------- \ OOO
OO -- / / ------------ \ /OO .
OO --- \ _____/ -------------- \_____/ --OO
. . OO ------ \ / --------------------------------OO
OO -------- \ / ----------------------------------OO
(A group of former Ten Forward revelers examines the remains of their
once hallowed drinking hole.)
RASHEED: "What a mess."
HOBBES: "It'll NEVER be the same."
MOZART: "Hmmph...I'm bitter."
SIREN: "I need a back rub."
MIBSTER: "Thanks for sharing."
(Suddenly, Z and TREKKER appear after a short jaunt to Earth)
*FWOOSH*
Z: "Yo! Space urchins! I have a surprise!" 8)
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Hey kids! Guess who's an Admiral again!"
HOBBES: "DAD! HUGS!"
(HOBBES hugs ADMIRAL TREKKER)
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Thank you, Ensi...er uh I mean...Lieuten...uh. Excuse me,
but where are all of your rank pins?"
MIBSTER: "Captain Recyclebopper fired us." :(
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "He did, did he?"
HOBBES: "Yes. And my widdle kitty doesn't have any food, cause I don't have
a job and I can't use the replicator, because he's locked us out, and
now he wants to..."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Uh...thank you, HOBBES. I'll see what I can do. All of
you, come with me. Z, you too."
Z: "Nah, I have to go. I'll be back in a bit. Ciao!"
*FWOOSH*
RASHEED: "Cool! A field trip!" 8)
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Hardly." :(
(Meanwhile, up on the bridge)
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Then the turbolift fell from the sky and PODAR stepped out!
It was the most amazing thing."
LT. COMM. PYEWACKET: "Wow! It must have been thrilling."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "It was for me. But then, I impress easily." 8)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Yeah, you and the REST of this thankless band of flotsam."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Heh...you're just jealous that TREKKER did what you
COULDN'T."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "HA! AT LEAST I CAN ACT!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Oooo! He's got a point there, Commander."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "You need an attitude adjustment, Number One. I want to
see you in my Ready Room in 5 minutes."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Aye, sir." 8(
(CAPT. JELLYHEAD leaves the bridge)
LT. OVERDOSE: "CAPTAIN OFF THE...oh...who cares?" :(
(Suddenly, the Turbolift doors open, and ADMIRAL TREKKER and his entourage
emerge. Of course, seeing TREKKER in his Admiral's uniform is enough
to put the entire bridge crew in shock.)
LT. COMM. PYEWACKET: "TREKKER, you're an...you're an..."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Admiral again, yes. Thanks to my old buddy Z here,
and a young Ensign who shall remain nameless."
LT. COMM. PYEWACKET: "You mean PODAR?"
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Exactly."
COMM. EINSTEIN: "Well, I'm glad you're back, sir. The last few days have been
absolutely dreadful."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "So I've heard. Where's the Captain now?"
COMM. EINSTEIN: "He's in his...er I guess it's YOUR Ready Room...now, sir."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Yep. It's mine, the ship is mine, EVERYTHING is mine!
And you know what? It's gonna STAY that way. Step
back kids, and give old grandpa some room." :)
MIBSTER: "This is going to be GOOD."
HOBBES: "Dang! I left my tricorder downstairs!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Don't worry. The bridge cameras will pick up any violence." :)
RASHEED: "Cool!"
(Shifting our viewpoint to Ready Room.)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Talk back to me will he? Hmmph. I'll make him EAT his words."
*Beep-beep*
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Come."
ADMIRAL TREKKER (Entering): "Greetings all! I'm here to serve!"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Admiral! I...TREKKER? What are you doing here? And why
are you in that uniform?!"
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Didn't you hear the news? I've been reinstated. In est...
you're history."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Nah...there must be a mistake. The council couldn't possibly
have let you back in."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Au contraire, my perspicacious pal! After my exploits on
Fleagle, the council voted unanimously to reinstate me as
an ADMIRAL. Not to mention, commander of THIS vessel."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Hmmmph. I'm sure this is just some grand joke that you and
your cronies out there are trying to play on me."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "No...I'm actually serious this time. The VAXERPRISE is
mine again, and I hereby relieve you."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Relieve me?"
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Which word didn't you understand?" :)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: >:(
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Oh...and by the way, where are my fish?"
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "I had them ejected into space. I can arrange to have you
follow them, if you like."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Uh...that won't be necessary." :)
(CAPT. JELLYHEAD picks up his belongings and heads out the door, but
pauses momentarily at the entrance to the turbolift.)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "You haven't heard the last of me, TREKKER!"
(Suddenly, the turbolift doors open, but to everyone's horror, there's
no turbolift inside. JELLYHEAD, whose gaze is fixed on TREKKER,
is unaware of the empty turboshaft directly behind him.)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "I'll see that they find something that STICKS this time.
Just you wait! I'll come back! And when I do, I'll..."
HOBBES, RASHEED, & MOZART: "Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump Jump..."
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "What are you people chanting about?"
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Look behind you, Captain." :)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD (Seeing the empty turboshaft): "OH MY GOSH! I could have
fallen down that thing!"
MIBSTER: "Hey! It's never to late to try." :)
(At that, MIBSTER shoves CAPT. JELLYHEAD into the gaping maw of the
empty turboshaft. Needless to say, he plummets to the bottom.
ADMIRAL TREKKER leans his head into the turboshaft to watch him fall.)
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "ROSALYN! ROSALYN! OH MY GOD!"
(And with that, JELLYHEAD slams headlong into the bottom of the shaft with
a resounding splat. This of course, kills him instantly.)
*SSSSSPLAT*
(LT. OVERDOSE then runs over and leans into the turboshaft)
LT. OVERDOSE: "Eeew! Clean up on aisle seven!" :(
(At that the turbolift doors close and lock.)
ENSIGN PODAR: "Uh...PODAR to BRIDGE."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "BRIDGE here, go ahead."
ENSIGN PODAR: "I wanted to warn you guys that I'm turning off the turbolift
connections to the bridge for a few minutes, while we repair
the damage to the line that leads to Ten Forward."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "So YOU'RE the one!" :)
ENSIGN PODAR: "The one what?"
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Just meet me in my Ready Room when you're done. It concerns
your career."
ENSIGN PODAR: "I'm not being fired, am I?"
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "On the contrary! I have big plans for you. So, come on
up when you're through. Oh...and check the bottom of
Turboshaft #1. CAPT. JELLYHEAD had a bit of an accident."
ENSIGN PODAR: "Uh...will do, sir. See ya soon! PODAR out." 8)
MIBSTER: "HEY! I'm the one who pushed him in!"
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Geeze...I'm sorry. I hereby restore all of you to active
duty."
BELGARATH: "Including me."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Yes, including you." :)
COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "I feel VERY happy!" :)
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Now...down to business. Anyone for some Chocolate Chip
Cookies in the Observation Lounge?"
COMM. EINSTEIN (Snaps to attention): "I thought you'd never ask, sir." 8)
ENSIGN HOBBES: "I'll go get the milk."
(ADMIRAL TREKKER and company exit the bridge and walk down the corridor to
the Observation Lounge. Upon entering, TREKKER trips over a large object
propped up against the wall.)
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "What the...Lieutenant Commander LTCOMDATA!"
LT. OVERDOSE: "Oh yeah. CAPT. JELLYHEAD made us turn him off."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Well turn him back on. He looks spooky sitting there
slumped over like that."
LT. OVERDOSE: "Aye, sir."
(LT. OVERDOSE reaches behind LTCOMDATA and flips the switch that gives
our happy little android life.)
LT. COMM. LTCOMDATA: "GOOD MORNING, DR. SOONG. I AM READY FOR MY FIRST
LESSON."
LT. OVERDOSE: "Uh...anybody have a rebuild disk?" :)
(Meanwhile...at the bottom of Turboshaft #1)
*FWOOSH*
Z (Looking at JELLYHEAD's body): "EEEEP! How ghastly! You know, these people
REALLY need to be more careful." 8)
(At that, Z brings JELLYHEAD back to life.)
*FWOOSH*
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "AAAAAUUUGHHHH! MY BACK! Uh...who are you?"
Z: "My name is Z, and your's?" 8)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Captain JELLYHEAD. Uh...am I dead?"
Z: "Well you WERE. I brought you back." 8)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Uh...why?"
Z: "Primarily, so that you can make Dave's life more...enjoyable." 8)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Dave? Who's Dave?"
Z: "Nevermind. You'll see."
*FWOOSH*
(Z is now holding a fish tank, similar to the one in TREKKER's Ready Room.)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "Uh...what's THAT for?"
Z: "It's your new home." 8)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "MY NEW HOME?! What are you talking about?!"
Z: "You'll see." 8)
*FWOOSH*
(Z turns CAPT. JELLYHEAD into a fish, specifically a Dragon Wrasse, and places
him in the fish tank. This of course makes JELLYHEAD quite irate.)
CAPT. JELLYHEAD: "HEY! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M A STARFLEET CAPTAIN!
I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD ON A PLATTER, YOU...YOU...YOU THING!"
Z: "Hmmm...we can't have you talking now can we?" 8)
*FWOOSH*
(Z removes JELLYHEAD's ability to speak and peers at him through
the side of the fish tank.)
Z: "Aw...how CUTE! Now isn't that better than being dead?" 8)
JELLYHEAD (Ramming his head against the side of the fish tank): >:(
Z: "Well, off you go to Dave's Ready Room." *FWOOSH*
(The fish tank vanishes)
Z: "Ah...I'll love being helpful." 8)
*FWOOSH*
(Z vanishes)
(Two days later, in TREKKER's Ready Room)
.
___======_________________________________
\ === USS VAXERPRISE = NCC 1313-A ==>== / __--__
\______________________________________/ ____________---______---___________
\_ \ \_________________________________/
. \_ \ . / : .. _/ \______/
. \_ \ / : _ / `--'
____\_ \______'-------===,
. /_| \_| : .::. | |
. \____ .: --========>== | .
----___ | | .
. . --------------' .
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Admiral's Log...Stardate 48913.4. I have officially been
given command of the VAXERPRISE again, and with a new
mission. Because of my diplomatic prowess in ending the
conflict between the Federation and the Fleagleans, I
have been given the duty of Federation Diplomatic Liason.
The Fleagleans are now proud members of the Federation,
my Ready Room is back in order, and the repairs to
Ten Forward are going smoothly. We are now en route to
Pacifica for a well needed shoreleave. And as for Z,
well...I just hope we don't bump into each other for a
while. End of Log."
SHIP'S COMPUTER: "LOG ENTRY HAS BEEN RECORDED AND FILED."
*Beep-beep*
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Come."
ENSIGN PODAR (Running in): "Sorry I'm late, sir. It took longer than I
expected. By the way, we checked the bottom
of Turboshaft #1 and there's no sign of CAPT.
JELLYHEAD."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Really? That's odd. Oh well, no bother. At least he's
out of our hair."
ENSIGN PODAR (Noticing the fish tank): "Indeed. Uh...what's the deal with
that fish in your tank?"
(TREKKER gets up and walks to his fish tank)
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "I'm not sure. He looked a little lonely yesterday, so I
put some other fish in with him, and he just ate them.
Funny thing is, I don't even know where he came from."
ENSIGN PODAR: "He is an angry looking fish isn't he?"
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Yeah. I've never seen anything quite like it. Notice how he
keeps ramming the front of the fish tank?"
ENSIGN PODAR: "Yeah...it looks like he's trying to attack you."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Hmmm...and to think, he's such a pretty little fish."
(TREKKER returns to his desk)
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Anyway, about why I called you here. I couldn't help but
notice what you did for us down there the other day.
You really came through for us. How did you know about
the Bill and Ted referrences?"
ENSIGN PODAR: "I watched the 'Up Close And Personal' interview with Q'oach
MONGO, on 20/20 the night before."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Ah. Well, anyway...your hard work and dedication will
not go unrewarded. COMM. EINSTEIN and I got together and
decided that it was high time that you received some
recognition for your efforts. And that is why I have
decided to give you..."
ENSIGN PODAR (Hoping TREKKER will say 'Promotion): 8)
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "...an extra 20 hours per week on your work permit!
Congratulations, Ensign! You're now working 53 hours per
week! Enjoy!" :)
ENSIGN PODAR: "Uh...I uh..."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Tut-tut...no need to thank me. The expression on your face
says it all."
ENSIGN PODAR: 8(
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Besides, it was all Commander EINSTEIN's idea. I was going
to promote you to full Lieutenant. But you know, I always
listen to the advice of my staff." :)
ENSIGN PODAR: 8(
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "So anyway, enjoy your gift. Oh...by the way, you remember
those lyrics to Lapti Nek I gave you in VAXTREK IV?"
ENSIGN PODAR: "Yeah."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Well, I'd like them back. I lost my copy and yours is the
only one left." :)
ENSIGN PODAR: 8(
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Alright then. Dismissed." :)
(ENSIGN PODAR who is now crest fallen, leaves the Ready Room, with
tears in his eyes.)
(Meanwhile...on the Bridge)
LT. COMM. ACKER (Looking at PODAR): "Hey, Skippy?! Did you get the
promotion?!"
ENSIGN PODAR: "I'm a failure." 8(
COUNSELOR BELGARATH: "*I* could've told you THAT."
ENSIGN PODAR (Stepping into Turbolift BLACK): 8(
(Just as ENSIGN PODAR leaves, ADMIRAL TREKKER enters the bridge.)
LT. OVERDOSE: "ADMIRAL ON THE BRIDGE!"
ADMIRAL TREKKER (Walking to his command chair): "At easy all. Status."
LT. OVERDOSE: "Everything's running smoothly, sir."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Glad to hear it."
LT. COMM. ACKER: "Sir, we're receiving a message from the USS BULLWINKLE."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "The BULLWINKLE? But, I thought it was on Ceti Alpha V!"
LT. COMM. ACKER: "Uh...a bit has changed while you were gone, sir."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Very well, on screen."
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "Helloooo...TREKKER!"
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Admiral."
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "So, did you have FUN playing Mr. Diplomat?"
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Actually, it was quite enjoyable." :)
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "Hmmm...what a shame. Oh...by the way. I'm the one
that got you kicked out, you little TOAD!"
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "YOU'RE the one, eh? That explains a lot, you gruesmome
piece of..."
LT. COMM. ACKER: "Sir, there's another call coming in for you."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Wow! Three way calling! On screen."
FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH: "Howdy, TREKKER! Welcome back!"
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Glad to BE back, sir."
LT. COMM. ACKER: "Hey! That's MY line!" 8)
LT. OVERDOSE: "Will you let that die?"
FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH: "Just wanted to congratulate you on a job well done."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Thank you, sir."
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "Hmmmph. Razzafrazzagrumble..."
FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH: "Ah...SYZYGY, I've been meaning to call you."
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "It's our new assignment isn't it?"
FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH: "Yep. I'm assigning you and your crew to a 6 month,
extended diplomatic mission to Risa..."
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "YES!!!"
FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH: "...just as soon as you're discharged from the Starfleet
Mental facility." 8)
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "AAAAAUUUUGGGHHH!!!"
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Heh-heh...so long screwy! See ya in St. Louie!"
REAR ADM. SYZYGY: "AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!!!"
(SYZYGY's line disconnects)
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Thanks, ARCH. That was classic."
FLEET ADM. ARCH: "I thought you'd like that. ARCH out." 8)
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Later, Admiral."
LT. COMM. PYEWACKET: "Channel is closed sir."
*FWOOSH*
Z: "Ooo...before you go. A little present." 8)
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "What the...?"
*FWOOSH*
(Z vanishes)
COMM. EINSTEIN: "He's so...WEIRD!"
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Heh. You never had to live with him." :(
LT. COMM. ACKER: "Sir, the engine room reports they're ready to go."
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Excellent! Helm...plot a course to Pacifica. Warp
factor 4."
LT. OVERDOSE: "Course plotted and laid in, sir." :)
ADMIRAL TREKKER: "Engage!" :)
____.
____. ____.
___======_________________________________
\ ="Working Harder To Serve You Less!"= / __--__
\______________________________________/ ____________---______---___________
\_ \ \_________________________________/
____. \_ \ ____. / : .. _/ \______/
____.\_ \ / : _ / `--' ____.
____\_ \______'-------===, ____.
____. /_| \_| : .::. | |
\____ .: --========>== | ____.
____. ----___ | |
____. --------------'
____.
(Meanwhile...on ROMULUS)
. .
. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO .
. OOOOO \ ------ OOOOO .
OOO / --------- _/OOO
OOO / --------- / OO
OOO / ---------- \ OOO
OO _/ ----------- / OO .
OO\ / ------- _____/ OO
. . OO - \ / ------- / /OO
OO --- \ / -------- \ / -OO
(PRAETOR ACHERNAR is watching GNN Headline News, while eating a bowl
of Chilled Raisins.)
PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "ZOROASTER! ZOROASTER! Come hither!"
CENTURION ZOROASTER (Running in): "Yes, sir?!"
PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "Did you hear the good news?! TREKKER's an ADMIRAL again!"
CENTURION ZOROASTER: "Uh...am I supposed to be impressed?"
PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "Of course, you nu-nu head! Quick! Create a grand display!
Set off the Fireworks!"
CENTURION ZOROASTER: "But sir, you washed all the Fireworks last week.
They're unusable now."
PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "Then uh....use Plasma torpedoes!"
CENTURION ZOROASTER: "PLASMA TORPEDOES?!"
PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "Of course! Fire them into the sky! I want to see the
pretty flames!"
CENTURION ZOROASTER: "But, sir. May I suggest..."
PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "SILENCE! LEST YOU INCUR MY WRATH!"
CENTURION ZOROASTER: "Yes, your majesty." :(
(As ZOROASTER leaves, ACHERNAR goes back to eating his chilled raisins.)
PRAETOR ACHERNAR (Gazing out the window): "Ah...don't the moors look lovely
this evening?"
(Suddenly...21 Plasma torpedoes are launched into the sky, creating beautiful
arcs of shimmering light as they ionize the atmosphere. Unfortunately, due to
the strong winds outside, the trajectories are altered such that
all 21 torpedoes come crashing down on ACHERNAR's prized Grape Vineyard;
source of his chilled raisin supply.)
PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "Oooo! Look at the pretty mushroom cloud!" 8)
(COMMANDER T'NOLAN comes running in)
COMMANDER T'NOLAN: "Honey! Did you just launch those torpedoes?!"
PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "Why of course! Weren't they lovely?" 8)
COMMANDER T'NOLAN: "Yeah...seeing as they obliterated YOUR grape vineyard."
PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "AAAAAUUUUGGGGH!!! MY GRAPES! DANG YOU TREKKER!!!!"
COMMANDER T'NOLAN: "Wh?"
PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "THIS MEANS WAR!!!!"
COMMANDER T'NOLAN (Looking up at the ceiling): "Dear God, not again?!"
PRAETOR ACHERNAR: "BABY, GET THE KEYS TO THE WARBIRD! I'VE GOT SOME
STARSHIPS TO DESTROY!"
. .
. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO .
. OOOOO \ ------ OOOOO .
OOO / --------- _/OOO
OOO / --------- / OO
OOO / ---------- \ OOO
OO _/ ----------- / OO .
OO\ / ------- _____/ OO
. . OO - \ / ------- / /OO
OO --- \ / -------- \ / -OO
(Thus ends another bowel moving episode of VAXTREK!)
"Yay!" 8)
Vax Trek IX
C'est la Z!
Written by..........................ENTERPRISE
Story by..........................SYZYGY and ENTERPRISE
Based on Plot
Complications
Created by..........................TREKKERPRISE
Plot Consultants..........................CONDOR, FIREDRAKE, TREKKER,
EINSTEIN, RED, BLUE, OVERDOSE.
JELLYHEAD
Secondary Plot
Consultants..........................MIBSTER, HORST, HOBBES, WOLFIE,
HEADACHE
Special Effects..........................IMAGE "Z" 8)
Matte Paintings..........................Industrial Light & Freddings
Incidental Music..........................The Queen Latifah Marching Band
Costumes by..........................The Happy Hooker
Catering..........................Pic-N-Lick
Cast
----
THE USS VAXERPRISE
------------------
CAPTAIN TREKKER......................TREKKER
ADMIRAL TREKKER......................TREKKER
QUEEN TREKKER......................TREKKER
Just plain TREKKER......................Dave 8)
COMMANDER EINSTEIN......................J. Freddings
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER LTCOMDATA......................LTCOMDATA
COUNSELOR BELGARATH......................BELGARATH
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER ACKER......................"Go start the bus!"
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER PYEWACKET......................PYEWACKET
DOCTOR DOC......................DOC
LIEUTENANT OVERDOSE......................RA
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER PALLAS......................Lee Press-On Friend 8)
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER MIBSTER......................"Thanks for sharing."
LIEUTENANT BIGAL......................"Hi! I'm a door!"
LIEUTENANT DEEPLY......................Deeply eeply eply ply ly y
LIEUTENANT EGGMAN......................EGGMAN
LIEUTENANT FABBABE......................You go girl!
LIEUTENANT FLOUNDER......................FLOUNDER
LIEUTENANT FREEMAN......................FREEMAN
LIEUTENANT GHOST......................Cows-R-Us!
LIEUTEANT HORST......................Drat!
LIEUTENANT INDIA......................INDIA
President of the United States......................Hillary, er uh Bill Clinton
LIEUTENANT LAZLO......................They LEFT me!
LIEUTENANT SCRIB......................Steve!
LIEUTENANT SIREN......................SKYE
LIEUTENANT SVEN......................SVEN
LIEUTENANT VENKMAN......................"Well...yeah."
ENSIGN HOBBES......................HUGS!
ENSIGN PODAR......................They call him Mr. Pitiful
ENSIGN MOZART......................Mmmm...Mozart!
ENSIGN RASHEED......................Mighty Mush Podar
ROMANTIC......................ROMANTIC
SHIP's COMPUTER......................MAPLE.CIRCA.UFL.EDU
TURBOLIFT COMPUTER......................OAK.CIRCA.UFL.EDU
PERIGRINE......................PERIGRINE
and of course...in his debut appearance
CAPTAIN JELLYHEAD......................Tommy Smuckers! 8)
PEOPLE WITH HIGH RANKING POSITIONS WHO EAT IMPORTED FIGS
--------------------------------------------------------
VICE PRESIDENT VENKMAN......................VENKMAN
COMMANDER IN CHIEF SMILIE......................SMILIE
FLEET ADMIRAL ARCH......................ARCH
ADMIRAL EAS......................The Snow Burglar! 8)
ADMIRAL FRAENHAWK......................D.J. Jazzy Isaacson
ADMIRAL HEADACHE......................X411AHM
ADMIRAL MCW......................MCW is God!
ADMIRAL SUSHI......................SUSHI
ADMIRAL TBLAZER......................TBLAZER
ADMIRAL TRIBBLE......................TRIBBLE
ADMIRAL WORLDMAGE......................CIROP01
ADMIRAL XIMINEZ......................Nooobody expects the
Spanish Inquisition! 8)
ADMIRAL ZEPPELIN......................Zeppy!
VICE ADMIRAL SARAH......................SARAH
VICE ADMIRAL SUMLER......................SUMLER
VICE ADMIRAL VIOLET......................It's a Purple World! 8)
REAR ADMIRAL VISION......................Phil!
COMMODORE VIVISECTVI......................VIVISECTVI 8)
THE USS BULLWINKLE
------------------
REAR ADMIRAL SYZYGY......................"I'm a Pic-N-Slave!" 8)
COMMANDER BILL......................"No, you're an astronomer."
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER GROGAN......................"Did I mention that
Manchester is a desolate
hole?"
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER TIM......................"Huh?"
LIEUTENANT KORTENKAMP......................"On Wisconsin!"
LIEUTENANT LARS......................"On Stockholm!" 8)
LIEUTENANT OSIP......................"You're ALL nuts."
DOCTOR CHRISTOS......................"Sir, could you explain
what the mechanism behind
grain polarization could
be? No? Oh well, I'll
ask Lars." 8)
THE USS NOSTROMO
----------------
CAPTAIN FIREDRAKE......................CIROP11
COMMANDER CAJUN......................CAJUN man! 8)
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER WANKER......................Hank!
LIEUTENANT COWJUICE......................Milk. It Does A Body Good!
LIEUTENANT ACE......................Bandages
THE USS FATHEAD
---------------
CAPTAIN RED......................JUANA's Honey Bunch
COMMANDER JUANA......................RED's Sweety Pie
DOCTOR X4411AHM......................HEADACHE
THE USS TALON
-------------
CAPTAIN CONDOR......................COTOPAXI
COMMANDER FORD......................Have You Driven One Lately?
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER ARIES......................ARES
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER ARES......................ARIES
THE USS INCONTINENT (possibly FEVER BLISTER)
--------------------------------------------
CAPT. BLUE......................BLUE
COMMANDER WOLFIE......................CIROP23
LIEUTENANT COMMANDER ? ......................STAFF
LIEUTENANT ? ......................STAFF
DOCTOR ? ......................STAPH
STARBASE #455
-------------
COMMODORE ZAPHOD......................"If I Only Had A Brain"
DR. MURDER......................Ms. Shealey!
LT. MISSY......................MISSY
LT. AMH......................BIGAL
Cameo Appearances
-----------------
CAPTAIN RAISTLIN......................RAISTLIN
LT. COMM. SIROTTO......................Like Mike! If I Could be
Like Mike!
ANKH......................Matt "SuperBee" Terrill
GENERAL K'CELESTE......................CELESTE
Special Guest Appearances
-------------------------
PATRICK STEWART......................Himself
MARK OKRAND......................Himself
H. ROSS PEROT......................Himself
THE ROMULANS
------------
PRAETOR ACHERNAR......................J. D. Garrison
COMMANDER T'NOLAN......................WENCH
CENTURION ZOROASTER......................Walter Zo Roaster
DA BOYZ IN DA HOOD
------------------
Z......................Skippy Podar 8)
G......................ACHERNAR
C......................CAT
T......................EINSTEIN
---------------*-----------------
(And now...for you trivia buffs!)
Actual Star Trek Episodes that had trials in them:
"The Drumhead"
"Star Trek IV"
"Star Trek VI"
"Court Martial"
"A Matter Of Perspective"
"The Measure of A Man"
"The First Duty"
"Menagerie"
"Devil's Due"
"Encounter at Farpoint"
"Space Seed"
...and many others too numerous to mention.
---------------*-----------------
(And now...miscellaneous characters portrayed by
the Not Ready For Warp Speed Players)
JUDGE WAPNER RUSTY T. BALIFF PALACE GUARD
Q'OACH MONGO MINDLESS DRINK SERVER MS. HAVERSHAM
GORDON GRAHAM V MRS. MACGILLICUDDY BERNARD SHAW IV
(And now...THE LITTLE PEOPLE!)
Make Up...............Armor All
Dance Choreography...............Bowling Balls-R-Us
WET FLOOR...............Is that a command?
Chief in charge of Spell Czeching...............ENTERPRISE
Spell chezching assistants...............MOZART, VENKMAN, ZAPHOD,
BELGARATH
Guy responsible for helping to retype
the lost first installment...............EINSTEIN
Spanish Grammatical Consultant...............Jorge "Mantequilla" Canas
Lighting...............CSE, BRYAN 232, ARCH 131
Best Boy...............J. Freddings
Gaffer...............SELINA
Dolly Grip...............MOZART
Claymation TREKKER provided by...............Play D'oh!
Stop Motion Supervisor...............Sean Gignac
TREKKER's Toupee Provided By...............Georgia Carpet Outlet
TREKKER's Toupee Fumigated By...............Bug-A-Away!
Computer Animated TREKKER Dolls By...............Industrial Light &
Freddings 8)
TREKKER's Dress Provided by...............Georgio's of Beverly Hills
Assistant to Mr. ENTERPRISE...............SYZYGY
Assitant to Mr. SYZYGY...............ENTERPRISE
Assistant Director...............ENTERPRISE
Story Editor...............ENTERPRISE
Assistant Story Editor...............ENTERPRISE
Assistant Assistant Story Editor...............ENTERPRISE
Continuity..............."Well...not much."
Van Driver...............Greg Mullane
Transportation Chief...............Miles O'Brien
Vehicles Provided By...............I Can't Believe It's A
Car Dealership
Person in charge of making Pound...............FABBABE
Cake for the crew
Guy in charge of strategically
placing those annoying little
commas in ALL the right places...............Not Applicable
Stunts
------
JELLYHEAD FIREDRAKE WANKER
---------------*-----------------
"Love Theme to VAXTREK IX" "Your Love Is Like A Spigot"
Written by Chad Jackson Performed by The Beer Kegs
"Mail Order Surf Baby!" "Whip Me, Beat me, Teach Me To Love!"
by The Disposables Performed by the S&M Boys of Gignac IV
"Supermodel" "Doin' Da Butt!"
Written by Rupaul Performed by MC Freddings
Performed by The Dungeon Kids and L. L. Ackerman
"My Pal Dave!" "Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!"
Written by Z Incorporated Performed by TREKKER
"SKANK!" "I've Got A Golden Ticket...In My Pants!"
Performed by HEADACHE Written by ACHERNAR
---------------*-----------------
(Typed on Location at the Psychedlic Outhouse)
Soundtrack available on I-Done-Sleighed-Yo-Mama CDs and CASSETTES
Read the Novel from TYPOGRAPHICAL ERRORS Inc.
See the Dramatic one man Opera featuring:
John "1st Amendment? What's that?" Bollinger!
---------------*-----------------
Special Thanks to:
Digital Equipment Corporation
TRW and the BP1500
The Center For Instructional And Research Computing Activities
EAS
MCW
MONTY
BELGARATH
The Authors of the 1st Amendment
My mom...8)
TREKKER
MADAME FONG'S FEVER BLISTER EMPORIUM
The Government and People of Fleagle
Michael Okuda...the coolest Scenic Art Supervisor in the world 8)
The entire staff at Paramount Pictures
and of course
Gene Roddenberry, for without whom,
none of this would be relevant
And anyone else who was mentioned in this story.
---------------*-----------------
VAXTREK is the official trademark of Board #11 Productions...dang it!
Any violation of copyright laws will result in immediate constipation.
All characters or events portrayed in this story, didn't actually happen.
If you can find ANY similarities between this story and A Summer Place
seek some counseling.
So there...nyah! 8)
Copyright © MCMXCIII, MCMXCVIII BOARD #11 Productions!
COMING THIS FALL to Board #11
"VAXTREK X: Romulans On Parade!"
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